- What are your three favorite memories we share?
- Three favorite memories that we share.
I would say when you...
When you first told me you loved me, I think.
It hit me so hard 'cause I had never had that happen before.
I was used to kind of being the one
that kind of fell too quickly with women.
To have someone who loved me, I mean, I was kinda shook.
But it was... I was low-key internally like, "Oh, yeah."
Another memory is Poconos.
That was awesome just because it was one of the first times
we kinda took an opportunity to go away on our own.
It felt kind of grown up.
That whole weekend was just filled
with laughs, and joy, and...
It was one of those indicators and reminders
there's someone I can just truly, truly be me.
Also, this happens to be my partner, so that was cool.
Then, third favorite memory I think of us...
I don't know, we have various times
in which we've stayed up and broke night.
I think it was actually when we first started talking,
We stayed up and watched the sunset.
We must've been FaceTiming, or...
And then we lost track of time, then realized
it was like seven in the morning,
and we'd been talking since like 10:00 p.m. that night.
- I remember that.
- I think I read you my mother's letter
- You did. - And it was one of
those breakthroughs of,
"Damn, you know, I kinda trust her.
"I really trust her", not kinda, "I really trust her."
We kinda opened up that much more to each other that night,
so that was one that I recall.
So, what did you first think
when I first brought up 'the pass' as a sort
of addition or for the marker into our relationship?
- I was definitely taken aback.
I think was taken aback because classically,
men are possessive, or people are possessive,
but men are very like, "My woman is my woman."
So the first thing that struck me was, "This is interesting.
"What do you mean 'a pass' for me?"
I remember thinking, "Okay..."
'cause I'm not typically very trusting, you know.
I was thinking, "Is this something that you wanna get...
"Is there something you wanna get out of it
"that you're like trying to spin towards me?"
It also just felt uncomfortable
to have so much focus put on me, and like,
"Figure out what you want, go explore your desires."
I was like, "I don't know how to, I don't know
"that I actually will do it."
And I remember the parameters around it
being more about exploring with women
'cause that's something that still gives me anxiety now.
I remember feeling anxious, confused a little bit,
a little excited like, "Okay, what does this mean?"
But yeah, totally did not know
how much it would mean beyond that.
But those were the first thoughts.
- Yeah, I didn't really consult anybody
because I do see that sometimes people are possessives,
and then it becomes like, "Why would you let that happen?"
But what it was for me, it was...
That's your friend at the end of the day.
We're partners, we're dating,
but it was like, "This is your friend."
And if your friend desires a certain level
of growth or potentially explorative about it,
don't silence that voice.
'Cause eventually it's gonna clap back.
It's gonna clap back in the way that you don't like,
so let's see where this person is.
'Cause you talked about it,
kinda gesturing around it long enough.
I was like, "Maybe."
I think the hard part was kinda figuring out
what that looks like.
But it was like, "You're gonna just give her the green light
"to kinda like do," and whatever that comes in the form of,
but you also know your set of own limitations.
You're not trying to hit every single detail
of X, Y, and Z that happened.
'Cause that would hurt your feelings.
The fear of doing it didn't stop me from doing it.
And then we kinda just spring-boarded from there.
- I think fear was actually,
probably a pretty fair thing too.
I think fear of our relationship changing and losing you.
I think more so the fear about you going forth
with other people wouldn't be...
Of course, it was a jealousy, possessive thing,
but I think it was more so that you would forge a new
relationship with somebody else and then forget about me.
Even though-- - We dated three years.
Right, it was...
It was silly, but I think that was definitely an irrational
fear that was driving a lot of feelings behind that, yeah.
- And then, I think also, it was one of those opportunities
to explore me outside of Raheem and Gari.
Because I think, just especially at Wesleyan,
in the bubble that it was, we were almost a package deal.
It was like, "Oh, Raheem."
Like, "Gari shouldn't be too far behind."
I'm like, "Yo, come on."
I loved you, and I love you so much,
but it was like, "Yo, we are two separate people."
We not into the same things all the time,
used to be high-key not wanting to talk to people.
I'm like the social butterfly. - Social butterfly. (laughs)
- But, what is Raheem gonna do?
He has to get to know Raheem outside of the context
of Raheem and Gari, so that's nourishing
the social relationships, that's hanging out
with different people and not having you around.
Just to see if these are legitimate friendships
and relationships that would transcend Wesleyan,
or is it dependent on us being together?
- Yeah.
- When was the last time I disappointed you?
And how do you feel about it now?
- Hm, last time you disappointed me, thank you,
and how do I feel about it now?
That's a good question.
I feel tearful because I think of our relationship,
especially towards the end, about how much
I disappointed you that...
I don't really think about
how you disappointed me as much anymore.
I know you stressed me out in our relationship,
and I knew I used to be mad all the time.
But I don't...
I feel like I weigh how much things were,
and I feel like I've done so much more,
so I don't really think about all the things
that you could have done.
Yeah, disappointed...
Just thinking about our senior year, I can't even
think about a time when I was necessarily disappointed.
I guess what I could say would be disappointed that you
didn't want to entertain the conversation around polyamory,
but at that point it wasn't so much disappointment
'cause, I mean, "I ain't a killer, but don't push me."
I already pushed you all the way to the edge. (laughs)
So, it makes sense that the way that the conversation
unfolded after that point happened as it did.
So, I don't know.
How I feel about this now, about any disappointment,
is just that I feel like I disappointed you a lot.
I think my disappointment was such
a grand disappointment regarding our friendship
that I feel like, I don't feel like I'm allowed
to feel the way about anything else.
And it's also just drastically diminished
the weight of everything else, yeah.
- It's like, you know...
I think...
I think in some ways that there were little things
in which I probably did to disappoint you.
Like stopped doing those little things,
but it was also like we stopped spending
as much time together too.
As we were about to go through this change
and college graduation, it was like
we were spending less and less time together.
And we lived in the same apartment.
That was kinda like a trip, you know?
Seeing you, all you wanted to do was spend time with Nate,
and it was like...
And I think, you know I...
I would say I'm disappointed in myself
for not just speaking up
and calling that out for what it is.
It's like, "Yo, wait what?"
We're not gonna be in the same state.
You're moving to down south, I'm moving back home.
We should want to spend time together.
And I think I'm disappointed in myself at times
for not speaking up and vocalizing that.
- What do you think I am hesitant to tell you?
- I'm gonna just process that.
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