- I was scared now, because if he's not pressing charges,
that means he wants to kill me.
[laughter]
So me, out of paranoia, I got hooked on crack.
[laughter]
I mean, I got hooked on crack!
[dark electronic music]
♪
[cheers and applause]
- Every time I see him, he puts everybody in a good mood.
He's fucking everybody's best friend.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up
for Mr. Felipe Esparza.
Let him hear it.
[cheers and applause]
- My name is Felipe Esparza.
I grew up, like, five miles from here,
in Boyle Heights, the capital of East Los Angeles.
What's up, fool?
And this is how I became a comedian one night.
I've always wanted to be a comedian,
since I was a little kid.
My friend Jackie Escalera, he had a--
one of those little record players you--
you plug in, and we heard
Bill Cosby for the first time.
And I said, "Man, that's funny."
And I memorized it, and I said,
"I wanna be just like him."
Not anymore, but--
[laughter]
But I wanted to be just like him.
So I grew up, and...
I got older, and I didn't follow my dream, you know,
to be a comedian, so I end up--got--
I got jumped to a-- I got jumped into a gang.
I didn't really wanna get jumped into a gang,
but I was hanging around with them too much,
so then one day they asked me, "So what's up, Batman?
You wanna get jumped in?"
And they punched me, and I got jumped in.
[laughter]
And my name was Batman.
They chose Batman because I wore Batman shirts every day,
and they were just underwear, though.
They were Underoos.
[laughter]
So one night, you know, my friends and I, we know--
We liked going to the drive-in movie theaters,
because you could sneak in one person--and Mexicans,
we're used to sneaking in people anyway, so.
[laughter]
So we're drinking at the drive-in theater,
watching the "Terminator 2,"
that's how long it goes,
and I love the "Terminator 2", man.
I love all the "Terminator"s.
'Cause the story about somebody that they hate you so much,
that they're gonna bring somebody who's not even
fucking born...
[laughter]
To kill your fucking mom.
[laughter]
I said, "I got to watch this shit."
So, you know, we're--we're, you know, little gangster guys,
you know, my friend Donald and my friend Bobo.
You know, they say,
"Hey, Batman, you wanna smoke some PCP?"
I said, "Fuck it, why not?
Let's get into the 'Terminator.'"
So we're smoking PCP at the drive-in theater,
and I don't know how we made it home
without killing anybody.
But we made it home safe, thank God,
but when we got to the neighborhood,
there was, like, a lot of people there.
They were partying; it was, like, 1:30 in the morning.
Everybody was-- The whole neighborhood was out;
there were no police, because the police doesn't come
to our neighborhood at night,
and there was this guy there who was, like--
I like to say, 'cause he was older than me--
I was only 21; he was 30.
And in my neighborhood, if you're 30, your life is over.
[laughter]
So I looked at him like an old man,
because nobody in my neighborhood really made it
to be 25.
So he should've been dead a long time ago.
So he--he don't like me, because I'm a popular guy
in the neighborhood; I'm funny; I'm likable.
And he goes, "What's up, Batman?
I heard you beat up my friend Batman."
And I did.
Um, this guy came out of prison,
and he said, "I heard they call you Batman,"
I said, "Yeah, well, some people do."
"Well, I'm the real Batman."
And I said, "Whoa, you know, I could be the Joker right now."
[laughter]
Penguin, Riddler...
So him and I end up fighting, and didn't--
It didn't go too well for him.
So this guy goes, "You know, um, that's not right,
the way you beat up my homey," and I said,
"Well, I didn't really wanna fight him
for the name, you know?"
So he ended up punching me in the face right away,
and I was on PCP,
so I don't know if he punched me or his friend,
'cause I was looking at two people, you know?
[laughter]
And...he hit me really hard.
My eyes closed right away. I was, like--
you know, like Rocky.
"Cut me, Mick," you know?
So he starts punching me more in the face,
the other eye, busted lip.
I can't fight.
I might be 6'1", 270 pounds,
but this is just for looks.
[laughter]
This is just...armor.
[laughter]
This is a shield to hide that I'm a big pussy.
So he's punching me, and nobody's helping me;
like, every--
Nobody's watching. It was too soon.
Nobody was yelling "World Star," or they would.
There was just the same stuff, like,
"Man, could this be the end of the Dark Knight?"
He is strangling me now, like, I can't breathe,
and he's, like, strangling me, and nobody's helping me.
Now, he's really choking me to death.
So I didn't know what to do,
so I ended up biting half his ear off.
Before Tyson, who-- He hacked me.
So now I'm, like, chewing his ear,
like Ozzy Osbourne, you know?
Running to the-- You know, crazy train...
I was like, "Fun!"
I don't remember this part, because I blanked out,
of course, because of the PCP and the alcohol,
but my friends told me that I ended up taking my belt off
and started whipping him, also, in the streets.
So he had like a "Hecho en México"
on his forehead.
[laughter]
He ends up going to the hospital, and he--
He didn't press charges, you know?
Because he could've pressed charges.
He didn't press charges because he's not a rat.
You know? He's a-- He's a hardcore guy,
and I was like, fuck-- I was scared now,
because if he's not pressing charges,
that means he wants to kill me.
[laughter]
So me, out of paranoia, I got hooked on crack.
[laughter]
I mean, I got hooked on crack!
I was walking around the neighborhood
like Jeff Dunham with no puppets.
[laughter and applause]
Tweaking hard.
And I was still wearing the same shirt
from the bloody night,
so I looked like a walker.
So I'm scared, you know?
My mom was scared, because...
she knows that they're after me.
So I come from a family where nobody says, "I'm sorry,"
Nobody had ever said, "I'm sorry."
My mom never told me, "I'm sorry."
My dad never said, "I'm sorry."
So my Mom was praying,
and this priest comes to my house,
Father Greg Boyle,
from Homeboy Industries.
He tells me that, "Your mom told me
that you're walking around with a loaded pistol."
And then I was, "Who told you that?"
"Well, you've been telling everyone in the neighborhood
that you have a loaded pistol."
So I give him the loaded pistol,
and he puts me in rehab, but I don't wanna go to rehab,
because I feel like I'm pussing out, you know?
Like, "Rehab? I could take this guy.
You know, I already bit bit half his ear off."
[laughter]
So I go to rehab, and I have a black eye
from the fight, you know?
I'm all--I'm all messed up.
I'm like a young-- I'm a loser, what I am.
I didn't mean anything-- I'm a fucking loser.
And I'm there in rehab with heroin addicts,
and I'm praying every night; I'm crying every night.
I don't know, I'm too-- I'm, like--
I wanna escape, but I don't know how to get home.
And this real nice guy-- I'll never forget his name--
from the valley-- this Irish guy named Tim.
He comes up to me one day, and he goes,
"Felipe, what did you ever wanna be in your life?"
And I said, "Before a crackhead?"
[laughter]
"I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to be a comedian."
And he goes, "Why don't you write that down?
"So write down five things
that you wanna accomplish in life."
And nobody's ever told me that, like,
five things to accomplish in life.
Nobody had told me--
I never thought I would live this long to be here,
at Cheetah's, and not being kicked out.
[laughter]
And, so--
[cheers and applause]
I wrote down, "I wanna be a comedian,"
and the second thing was, "I wanna be happy,"
and the third one was, "Because I love Olive Garden,
I wanna go to Italy."
[laughter]
And four and five, I didn't write shit,
because I thought--I couldn't think of anything else, man.
[laughter]
So I--I graduate out of rehab--
you know, my first time graduating.
I got a one year diploma for being sober.
I come back home, and who do I see?
Half ear.
I see the guy I fought, you know?
And I wanted to tell him I'm sorry, you know?
Because I really was sorry,
even though he started the fight,
but I really felt sorry 'cause I was sober.
And I remember he came up to me, and--
Fuck, man.
He wanted to fight.
[laughter]
He said, "I'ma kill you!"
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I turn the other cheek;
like, I didn't even fight.
I just gave him my back,
and he kicked the Bible off my hand, you know?
Like, "You're not a fucking Christian.
You're a [bleep]." You know?
And I was like, "Ugh!" I held it in, you know?
Not to do nothing to him,
And then I ran inside the house, and I was crying.
I said, "Man, everybody gonna think
I'm a big [bleep], a big pussy."
I took my shirt off, threw my Bible in the air,
and I ran outside, and my dad clotheslined me,
"What are you doing?
Don't you wanna be a comedian?"
And I said, "Oh, yeah, I do. I do."
So I went back inside and didn't do nothing.
And I'm proud of that,
because I probably would've killed him, and--
If you're alive and you're watching this,
I hope your life turned out great.
Mine did okay. I'm very sorry.
Thank you very much.
[dark electronic music]
[cheers and applause]
♪