- So last week I made a video
all about why I'm sex positive.
And whilst all of that is true,
here are some other reasons why I'm not sex positive.
Because sex positivity is all about
respecting people's personal choices,
it can be quite individualistic
and ignores the power structures around us
that often limit people's choices,
their ability to make choices,
and the choices that are just
available to them in the first place.
Power structures such as the patriarchy,
and capitalism, all good things.
Also I feel like the sex positive movement
doesn't acknowledge how complicated consent can be.
Power imbalances often come into play and we
just live in a non-consensual culture in general.
("for example" in a foreign language)
Your friend, or acquaintance,
asks if you wanna go for a coffee.
You do not want to go for that coffee,
but you can't just say no to them 'cause that would be rude.
So instead you say, sorry I'm busy
or you just go along to the coffee anyway.
When we're not taught how to say no
in general life and social interactions,
how do we expect us to be able to say
no when it comes to sexual interactions?
It's pretty damn difficult when ya
live in a non-consensual culture.
Sex positivity also creates this
norm of being sexually active.
So it's like you used to be repressed
and you'd be punished if you were at all sexual.
But now look, sex positivity,
go out and get all the sex, isn't it great?
You're so sexual and so sexually active.
But that's just not the case for lots, or most, people.
Obviously, totally fine if you
are super sexually active but
this norm of being sexually active
actually creates a new kind of pressure
to always want, or to be having lots of sex.
And no one wants added pressures.
Also, it's in it's language.
Positive implies that it's not
complicated and that it is always good,
and for a lot of people, they have
negative or painful sexual experiences.
They sometimes don't have a good time during sex.
Or it can be quite painful,
or their first time wasn't super magical
and it was really awkward and weird,
they are gay and grew up in a non-accepting place
and had developed a lot of shame around that.
You know, there is a lot of potential
to have negative experiences with sex and with sexuality.
Obviously that's not a good thing,
but we need to acknowledge that
not everyone is coming into the realm
of sex as a level playing field.
Not everyone is super comfortable with their body.
Not everyone is really confident in their ability
to have a good time and have a safe good time.
We have to acknowledge that when it
comes to perpetuating this norm that
everyone is super sexually active
and that sex is great all of the time.
'Cause it's not always great.
Sex positivity also ignores people
without any interest or desire for sex.
Prime example would be asexual people.
But then also people who don't fancy
having sex for personal reasons.
Or only want to sleep with people
who they are in a committed relationship with.
I think within sex positivity,
people who aren't having a lot of sex
are often called prudes, and that's just not fair.
It's like you're either a slut or a prude,
and there's just no middle ground.
The other shitty thing is that
the concept of sex positivity
has kinda been hijacked and stolen
by advertising and by the media
in order to create this sex positive lifestyle
that you're supposed to aspire to.
In order to get this lifestyle
you have to spend lots of money.
So you gotta get them bikini waxes,
you gotta buy them sex toys.
Yes, I know, I do like my sex toys.
And again, acknowledging that choices
are made within power structures.
When it comes to sex work you have to
think of the power structures such as
the patriarchy and capitalism.
A lot of people turn to sex work as a choice,
but it's because of their limited amount of
choices for decent paid work because of capitalism.
So you know, maybe don't try and ban sex work
which makes the work harder and less safe for sex workers,
and instead create a better, more efficient welfare state.
Sex positivity is very Western-centric
and often ignores religion and faith,
and it just creates unrealistic expectations.
This sex positive lifestyle that we see
that we're supposed to aspire to means you're having
lots of really good, really fulfilling sex.
You're having multiple orgasms all of the time,
you're super confident sexually,
you're super confident in your body,
you have no trouble just going out there and getting laid.
And that just creates these unrealistic expectations
and a lot of self-doubt and confusion in people.
What if you don't want those things?
What if you can't have multiple orgasms?
And then that then feeds into a different kind of shame of
is my body good enough, is my sex life good enough?
So there are some of the reasons why I'm not sex positive.
Again, if you haven't watched the video
where I talk about why I am sex positive,
do go and watch that.
I feel like at this point I should
come up with a kind of conclusion.
Like, in conclusion, it depends.
I still hold the values of sex positivity
very dear to me but I understand
there are a lot of problems with it.
Or a lot of problems that have developed from it.
It has its issues and it has its holes.
I used to have sex positive in my Twitter bio
and I've changed things around now so that's gone,
but I do still think I'm sex positive
but I would call myself critically sex positive.
Or sex critical.
I heard that phrase first from Meg-John and Justin.
If you don't listen to their podcast,
do listen to their podcast.
They're like my sex education gurus right now, I love them.
So I hope you have enjoyed this very mini series.
I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Are you sex positive, are you sex critical,
where do you lie in all of that?
I've also heard, but don't know too much about,
sex negative feminism.
So if that's something that you
have heard of or you agree with
I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments, too.
Please give this video a thumbs up
if you enjoyed it and don't forget
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And I'll see you soon, bye.
(fun upbeat music)