The Democrats began laying out their case
for why President Trump should be held responsible
for inciting the Capitol riot of January 6th.
And between Trump's many speeches, interviews and tweets,
the prosecutors had a mountain of evidence
at their disposal.
It's basically a slam dunk case.
I mean, this would be like having a murder suspect
who left his DNA at the scene,
dropped a bloody glove
and fled the scene in a Ford Bronco.
There would be no way you couldn't convict that guy.
It would be a... Wait, that happened?
Now, in addition to the evidence against Trump,
prosecutors showed harrowing,
never-before-seen footage
of the attack on the Capitol
and the violence inflicted on Capitol police.
So, we all expected the Democrats
to present a competent, compelling case,
but what nobody expected
was that Trump's lawyers would be so terrible.
They never addressed key issues.
They went off on meandering tangents.
One guy cried while reading a poem.
It was going so badly for the Republicans,
I thought Ted Cruz was gonna start another insurrection
just to change the subject.
In fact, when Trump's lawyers were done,
some of the harshest criticism
came from Republican senators
on their own team.
Senator Lindsey Graham, one of Trump's biggest allies,
saying, "I thought I would figure out where he was going,
but in the end, I don't know where he was going."
Senator Susan Collins said, "I was perplexed
"by that first lawyer
who seemed to not make any argument at all."
President Trump's team were disorganized.
They did everything they could
but to talk about the question at hand.
And when they talked about it, they kind glided over it,
almost as if they were embarrassed of their arguments.
Now, I'm an impartial juror,
and one side's doing a great job,
and the other side's doing a terrible job
on the issue at hand.
As an impartial juror, I'm gonna vote
for the side that did the good job.
-Did you listen to it? -NEWSMAN: I did.
Okay, then, you-you... It speaks for itself.
Goddamn!
Bill Hader's dad is pissed.
And I would be, too.
Trump's lawyers were so bad,
they forced him to be impartial.
Nobody should be forced to have an open mind.
Seriously, though, do you know how bad a job
those lawyers had to do
that even Lindsey Graham turned on them?
He wants to be on their side.
That's like drawing something so bad
that your kindergarten teacher roasts you for it.
"Okay, Billy, you know I want to like this,
"but this is dog shit, my man.
"This doesn't look like a flower at all.
"In fact, I got to show this to the other kids.
"Kids, everybody come together.
"Yeah, look at this bitch-ass flower that Billy drew.
Oh, my God, Billy. You're so dumb."
Now, of course, nobody was more upset
by Trump's shitty lawyers
than the man who was never gonna pay them anyway:
Donald J. Trump.
Sources familiar with Mr. Trump's reaction
told CBS News he was angry
with his lawyers' lackluster performance,
which, at times, rambled on.
At one point, nearly yelling at his television
while Bruce Castor was making his case.
That's right. Trump was reportedly yelling at the TV
while watching his shitty lawyers
make their opening arguments.
Although, to be fair,
Trump also yells at the TV during commercials.
"Good luck with your boner, Mr. Viagra.
"We're all rooting for you.
Those four hours are gonna be so much fun."
But still, this is bad news for Trump's lawyers,
because Trump is a dude who'll spend four hours at a rally
ranking his favorite department store.
If he thinks you're rambling,
then you know you (bleep) up.
Luckily for these lawyers, we all know and they know
that no matter how bad their defense is,
they're still gonna win this trial.
Which, on the one hand, makes a mockery
of the entire idea of accountability.
But, on the other hand,
it's gonna make
for a very inspiring movie.
NARRATOR: To defend his impeachment,
President Trump needed
the best legal team in the country.
-(record scratch) -Instead, he got these guys.
My name is Bruce Castor.
I am the lead prosec... or lead, uh...
counsel for the 45th president of the United States.
NARRATOR: They were two hopeless lawyers
who didn't prepare, barely tried
and may not even have law degrees.
The president was nearly yelling at his TV
while he was watching the proceedings.
I worked in this building 40 years ago.
I got lost then, and I still do.
But they're about to find out that what matters
isn't the strength of your case.
It's having a defendant whose party won't convict him,
no matter what.
I'm ready to move on.
I'm ready to end the impeachment trial,
because I think it's bla-blatantly unconstitutional.
It's simply beyond the constitutional authority
of the Senate.
President Trump is going to be acquitted.
It's the impeachment trial critics are calling
"a sad moment for democracy"
and "the founders' worst nightmare."
Underdog Lawyers.
A story of triumph against no odds.
Uh, words are what make our Constitution, quite frankly.
They sure do.