Take a look at any bar's cocktail menu and you're faced with a dizzying array of choices.
However, when it comes to mixed drinks, we're sorry to say it, but they're not all created
equal.
Here are the ones you should avoid.
Mojitos sound like the perfect choice for bar patrons looking for a light, refreshing
libation that still packs a boozy punch.
Before you order your next minty drink, though, consider this: cocktails that require fresh
ingredients, like the mint for that mojito, can be a risky order in many bars.
Adam Levy of The Alcohol Professor has been pretty straightforward in saying that generally,
bars don't serve enough mojitos to keep the freshest mint on hand, so you could very well
end up with week-old herbs in your cocktail.
Everyone who's ever sipped a mojito knows that fresh mint is a must for a great one,
and nothing will ruin a mojito faster than wilted mint.
There's also a little matter of those spoiled mint leaves potentially carrying bacteria.
Hard pass on that.
One more reason not to order a mojito: Your bartender will probably hate you for it.
That's because they take significantly longer to make with all the muddling and shaking
involved, and, if you're in a crowded bar, they're definitely on the do-not-order list.
Some bartenders might flat-out refuse to indulge your mojito whims, depending on the size of
the crowd.
Bartender Noah Esperas told SFGate,
"Honestly, if I am slammed at 1 a.m. and someone asks for four mojitos, I won't make them."
Don't be that customer.
Make your mojitos at home instead.
Another cocktail that goes on the "don't order anything with fresh ingredients" list is the
White Russian.
Sure, it's a perfectly tasty after-dinner drink, and you should definitely make them
at home with fresh cream.
But that fresh cream is where the problem lies when you're ordering this coffee-infused
delight at a bar.
As with the fresh mint, cream is one of those ingredients that bars just don't use a lot
of, and, as a result, there's a good chance it's more funky than fresh.
Bartender Timothy Dunn says that there's a good chance the cream or milk you're sipping
in your cocktail is expired and possibly even well on its way to going sour.
Cream only lasts for about a week, after all, and unless there's a big run on White Russians,
it's unlikely that a jug is going to get used in that amount of time.
You're better off just staying in your bathrobe and making your own at home.
"Hey, hey, hey!
Careful, man!
There's a beverage here!"
No drink makes you feel like you're in a tropical paradise more than the piña colada.
They're creamy and dreamy, sure, and those super-cute mini umbrellas are hard to beat,
but they're also a bit of a sugar bomb.
That tall 12-ounce frozen beverage you're sucking down faster than your bartender can
make them?
Yeah, your typical pina colada has around 84 grams of sugar each.
The American Heart Association says that women should limit their sugar intake to 25 grams
per day, and men should have 37 and a half grams at most.
You don't have to be a math whiz to see that one piña colada is more than three days worth
of sugar for the ladies.
Is a piña colada really worth it?
Here's a little perspective.
For as much sugar as you get from just one of those coconut-y cocktails, you could eat
eight glorious glazed doughnuts from Krispy Kreme.
Is that tropical drink really worth it?
When you're looking for dessert in cocktail form, you turn to the mudslide, because there's
no doubt that this frozen drink is delicious.
It's got Kahlua, Bailey's, vodka, chocolate sauce, and, depending on which recipe you
follow, it's got milk, heavy cream, or vanilla ice cream, and sometimes whipped cream.
Like we said, it's delicious.
But all that decadence does come with a bit of regret and it'll vary based on your recipe,
but you're looking at somewhere in the neighborhood of 650 calories for that one drink.
For the sake of comparison, that's not too far off the calorie count of a medium chocolate
shake from McDonald's.
What we're saying is, you probably don't think it's a great idea to drink a Mickey D's chocolate
shake every day, so you probably don't want to drink a mudslide every day either.
When you're scanning a cocktail menu looking for the so-called healthiest option, it's
understandable why you would stop at sangria, but it turns out that sangria can be a bit
deceiving and could have a lot more sugar and more calories than you might expect from
a wine-based drink.
Registered dietitian Keri Glassman had this to say to Fitness Magazine:
"Don't be fooled.
Although I love the benefits of red and white wine, sangria often has additional fruit juice,
simple syrup, and table sugar mixed in, making this cocktail very caloric."
Since bulk batches of sangria are likely already mixed by the time you order your pitcher,
it's hard to know exactly how much of what went into the concoction.
That's why, if you're watching your sugar intake, it's probably best to skip the sangria,
even though this can be a perfectly delightful option to make at home.
Can you think of a single night when Long Island iced teas were the drink of choice
that ended well?
Probably not.
There's good reason a Long Island gets you buzzed and fast: it boasts 3.75 ounces of
alcohol.
Considering a shot is 1.5 ounces, that means you're sucking down what amounts to two-and-a-half
shots in no time flat.
By drink number two, you're well on your way to doing things you're probably going to regret
in the morning.
"What am I going to tell Melissa.
I lost a tooth, I have no idea how it happened!"
"You’re freaking me out, man.
I have a massive headache.
Let's just calm down.”
Extra booziness aside, Patrick Williams, beverage director at Punch Bowl Social, says another
problem has more to do with quality than quantity.
He explained,
"It's a lot of booze, but usually the lower-shelf stuff — the well products.
It gets thrown into the glass with not a lot of care or effort."
Then, there's the calorie count, which could easily top 780 for a single drink.
But honestly… they are pretty amazing, right?
So here's a pro tip for anyone who's going to keep right on ordering them anyway: don't
ask for it to be made with no ice in the hopes that you'll get more alcohol.
Says one bartender on Reddit,
"You don't get more booze, you get more sour mix.
Which is awful.
Enjoy your heartburn."
Applebee's trots out a new dollar cocktail offering just about every month, and they're
tasty-sounding drinks, for sure.
But the question is: Are these cocktails worth even one of your hard-earned dollars?
According to an Applebee's insider, they decidedly are not.
Industry insider Darron Cardosa has received plenty of evidence from an alleged Applebee's
bartender that proves these dollar cocktails are pretty much exactly what you'd expect
them to be.
The bartender explains that, for example, their margaritas start and end with a big
bucket, one gallon of margarita mix concentrate, one gallon of bottom-shelf tequila, and three
gallons of tap water.
For those of you keeping track, that's one part booze, 4 parts not booze.
Yum.
Can you get drunk on dollar cocktails?
Apparently you can, around Long Island iced tea number five.
As strong as they typically are, it definitely shouldn't take five to feel a buzz.
Brunch with bottomless drinks.
It doesn't get much better than that, right?
Actually, it does.
In what really shouldn't be surprising news, it turns out that bottomless mimosas and bloody
Marys don't stack up when it comes to alcohol content or quality.
Did you really think a restaurant was going to serve you unlimited drinks for $15 and
use the good stuff?
According to Jordana Rothman, who penned "The Complete Guide to Hating Brunch,"
"The average bargain mimosa consists of a half to two-thirds pour of OJ and a few glugs
of bottom-rack sparkling wine to make the thing foam up.
The juice is mostly a mask for acrid, poor-quality bubbly— and its added sugar content means
that a late-day hangover is a lock."
There is absolutely nothing about that description that makes these bottomless cocktails sound
the least bit appetizing.
They'll only be adding to your sorrows, not helping you drown them.
A novelty, yes.
But worth even the lowest price?
Probably not.
Moscow mules, served in those oh-so-trendy copper mugs, are one of the easiest-to-drink
cocktails around.
The combination of ginger beer, vodka, and lime can actually be a bit dangerous — before
you know it, you've knocked back a few too many and brunchtime suddenly turns into naptime.
So what's the problem with this light and refreshing drink, other than its ability to
sneak up on you?
That trendy copper mug is the problem — or it could be, anyway.
In 2017, an advisory bulletin from Iowa's Alcoholic Beverages Division suggested that
the Moscow mule's serving vessel of choice could lead to copper poisoning due to the
fact that, foods that have a pH below 6 should not come into contact with copper, and added
that the typical pH of one of these boozy favorites is, indeed, well below 6.0.
The memo continued,
"High concentrations of copper are poisonous and have caused foodborne illness.
When copper and copper alloy surfaces contact acidic foods, copper may be leached into the
food."
Snopes chimed in on the issue, reporting that, yes, acidic liquids will reportedly cause
copper to leach into your drinks in unlined mugs, but it's unclear how much it would take
to affect a person or how long the drink would need to sit in the mug for there to be a problem.
You can avoid any risk whatsoever by skipping the copper mug, especially considering it'll
still taste good in a glass.
Mixed drinks just aren't the place for the priciest booze you can get your hands on,
so you absolutely shouldn't worry about picking out something extra classy for your drink.
Why not?
Take it from this bartender of Reddit:
"You don't pay top $$ for good whisky to overpower it with Coke.
It's like pouring ketchup and mustard on Kobe beef steak.
It's simply … wrong."
"Whiskey, and one for Ahab there.”
Another Redditor agreed, using a top-shelf cognac to illustrate their point, saying,
"Hennessy is a wonderful beverage.
Smooth as silk, easy to drink, and like all brandy [...] it takes on the flavor of whatever
you mix it with.
So Hennessy and Coke tastes about the same as just Coke.
In which case why even order the Hennessy instead of just well brandy?
You're just throwing an extra $4 at the drink price because it's top shelf now."
Top-shelf liquor is typically best enjoyed on its own, without sickly sweet soda or overpowering
citrus to mute its carefully crafted flavors.
It's a top shelf drink for the simple reason that it can stand on its own, and mixing it
with anything else is just a waste.
It's not going to make your drink any better, either.
As mixologist Ian Cox puts it,
"As long as your bartender is making the cocktail properly, there just isn't a need for a higher-end
spirit."
Can you waltz into a dive bar and order the latest, trendiest mixed drink that consists
of ingredients most people have never even heard of, let alone know where to procure
them?
Sure.
Will you get said craft cocktail placed in front of you with a garnish of edible gold
leaf and rose water mist?
Not a chance.
But that doesn't stop dive bar patrons from trying.
New York bartender Will Benedetto recounted a similar story to Food & Wine of a customer
who tried to order a cocktail containing, quote, "duck-fat washed gin, Vermouth caviar,
and something called 'sea foam.'"
And here's the important lesson to be learned: know the room, what ingredients a place is
likely to have on hand, and what's not going to get you laughed out of the joint.
Benedetto asks,
"Why would you think a dive bar has gins fat-washed with exotic meats, caviar anything, or sea
foam?"
"You guys are drinking wine out of those cans?"
“Oh, hell yeah.”
“Can I have one?”
“Yeah!”
"And you will notice the advantages almost immediately.”
Basically, don't be that customer ordering a complicated craft cocktail when a bar clearly
can't accommodate it, don't order a generic beer in a craft beer bar, and don't order
a margarita in an Irish pub.
No one will be impressed with the out-of-the-box thinking.
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