-And now we're gonna get to the news.
After President Biden met last week with the KPop band BTS,
the White House posted a video to Instagram
that showed Biden playing the group's hit song "Butter"
but they cut out the part where he asked them
to please write a song about something he's allowed to have.
"'Smooth like hummus,' how 'bout that?"
President Biden delivered an address on Thursday night
from the White House and called on Congress to pass
gun safety legislation, which is kind of like calling on the Jets
to win the Super Bowl.
You can ask...!
That's right, President Biden delivered an address
on Thursday night and called on Congress to ban
assault-style weapons and expand background checks,
or at the very least get rid of the vending machines.
Dr. Mehmet Oz last week won Pennsylvania's
Republican senate primary, which seems a little crazy,
I mean, is he even qualified...
to be a doctor?!
The House Select Committee investigating
the Capitol attack will hold its first public hearing on Thursday
so we can all finally get to the bottom
of that thing the entire country watched on live TV in real time.
[ Laughter ]
A man recently threw cake on the protective glass of
Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa painting at the Louvre
in Paris, he also threw some on a Picasso,
but no one noticed.
Yeah, we'll go after Picasso!
You're not off of the hook, Picasso!
Yesterday was National Hot Air Balloon Day --
this news was first reported by a very apologetic
JetBlue gate agent.
[ Laughter ]
Bays and I talked backstage and we were like,
"I think we put 'JetBlue' on the balloon."
[ Laughter ]
You know what, I don't think it would have mattered either way.
During a -- [ Laughs ]
So did you guys even understand, though?
I feel like you guys don't even und--
You buy a ticket on a JetBlue flight,
and then you get to the gate and they have to apologize
and be like, we're very sorry it's Hot Air Balloon day,
you got to ride a hot air balloon.
[ Laughter ]
You know...
We were on hiatus, we're all a little rusty.
During the parade over the weekend honoring
her Platinum Jubilee,
a hologram of Queen Elizabeth
was shown in her gold stagecoach.
And whatever you think of the queen,
her duet with Tupac was amazing.
And finally, New York's LaGuardia Airport
over the weekend debuted its newly renovated Terminal C,
which features an 11 lane security screening area.
And this is cool -- one of them is open!
The first lady, Dr. Jill Biden,
yesterday unveiled a new postage stamp
that honors former first lady Nancy Reagan.
The stamp will be very helpful when you need to figure out
which birthday card came from your grandparents.
"Let's see -- flower, flower, Snoopy, Gay Pride.
Oh, here we go!"
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg announced
yesterday that he has tested positive
for a breakthrough case of the coronavirus.
Unfortunately, he's still not old enough for the vaccine.
According to reports,
former president Trump's advisers are divided on
if Trump should announce his reelection campaign
before this year's midterm elections or wait
so it does not take attention away from other candidates.
Oh, because he'd hate stealing attention.
Trump's like a bridesmaid who keeps mentioning in her speech
that it's her half birthday.
According to reports, former president Trump
may launch his reelection campaign on July 4th.
So step aside, dogs, it's our turn to hate that day!
That's a good...
Very good "scared of a fireworks" dog right there.
That's how you say it -- "a fireworks," right?
Yeah. Yeah. It was -- It sounded weird,
but that's definitely the way you say it.
The sixth installment of the dinosaur
sci-fi series called "Jurassic World: Dominion"
will be released this Friday in theaters.
Man, if that series goes on any longer,
they're going to have to include mammals.
"The horses are out!"
Lawmakers in New York recently passed the so called
"Stop the Chop" act,
which will allow residents to sue companies
for excessive helicopter noise.
So now New York residents
will only have to deal with noise from garbage trucks,
"sweet-streepers," ambulances, weed-"wrackers,"
leaf blowers and people screaming
when a rat pops its head out of a bodega.
And finally, a guinea pig in Hungary named Molly
was recently honored with the Guinness World Record
for most basketball slam dunks in 30 seconds.
But before you get too excited, full disclosure,
apparently the rim was only set at nine feet, six inches.
You know, I was a little concerned that
that was our closer.
Yeah.
You know, I -- I trust the process.
Bays knows.
I don't know why. You know what, guys?
Look, the important thing is we told that joke.
We had the courage to tell it.
President Biden is reportedly preparing to forgive $10,000
in student loan debt for Americans
who make less than $150,000.
$10,000, or, as your college calls it, a chemistry book.
President Biden traveled today to Los Angeles.
Not sure what for, but it's got to have something to do with
"Top Gun."
The public Congressional hearings on the Capitol attack
kick off tomorrow night in prime time
and make sure to tune in afterwards
for "Talking Insurrection" hosted by Chris Hardwick.
Fox News announced this week
that it will not carry live coverage
of Congress's prime time hearings over the Capitol attack
to focus on more important news like
would it kill Mulan to wear a dress?
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson on Monday
narrowly survived a no confidence vote in parliament.
And from the looks of him,
he also narrowly survived electrocution.
"I think the hair looks quite good.
I think I'll go on, now.
Let everyone know that I have confidence.
I have confidence that the hair is good."
According to a new poll, 72% of New Yorkers believe
Mayor Eric Adams is doing better than
or as well as his predecessor, Bill de Blasio.
I knew if we just gave him a chance
he would prove just how much we didn't like Bill de Blasio.
The CDC this week raised its monkeypox alert
to level two, though,
if you want people to take it seriously,
don't change the alert level, change the name "monkey pox."
Just sounds too cute.
Monkey pox?
Aww, you guys, should we get it?!
I'm going to get it for the summer.
A man in California was arrested this week
for allegedly stealing an Olympic gold medal from a car.
Officials suspected the man was guilty
when they very easily caught up to him.
Singer Jimmy Buffett's
new Margaritaville at Sea cruise line
recently launched its first ship
for a one-night-only inaugural voyage.
And nothing says safety like "Margaritaville,"
a song that is about a drunk guy who cuts himself
and decides to get drunker.
There are some people on this show who are of the age
that we know the plotlines of the Jimmy Buffett songs.
And finally, at a recent press conference,
a judge in India referenced a case
where a man filed for divorce from his wife
because she cooked him instant noodles for every meal.
Well, fortunately for that guy, he's already got a solid idea
of what single life is going to be like.
House Committee investigating the Capitol attack
held its first public hearing tonight
where they called their first witness --
literally, all of us.
That's right. The January 6 Committee aired
a 90 minute hearing tonight, which was carried live
by all the major news networks except Fox News.
Though Fox ended up with better ratings
by just airing the original Capitol attack.
President Biden criticized the Republican Party
in a new interview and said it has undergone
a, quote, radical shift
since former president Trump was elected.
I don't know, I think they were always this radical,
and then they elected a guy who couldn't be subtle about it.
It's like when you're at a dinner party
and you whisper to your wife, "Dinner parties suck,"
and then she says, "Dinner parties suck?!"
And then you have to say, "Okay, yes,
I think dinner parties suck, everybody!"
President Biden said yesterday that he's often asked
why he does not play the political games
that the Republicans play, and said, quote,
If we do the same thing they do,
our democracy will literally be in jeopardy.
Okay, you know, there was a televised insurrection
hearing tonight, right?
It's already in jeopardy.
That's like the captain of the Titanic saying,
"I'm worried everyone running to one side
isn't good for the boat."
Republican Senator John Kennedy criticized
the Biden administration yesterday
for not doing more to bring down high gas prices
and added that it would be, quote,
excuse me, it would be, quote, cheaper to buy cocaine
and just run everywhere,
which -- which it's a pretty, pretty cute joke.
But mostly I want to know,
where are you getting a gallon of cocaine
for $6?
Don't be stingy, Jack!
Arizona Republican senate candidate
Blake Masters reportedly met with conservative activists
earlier this year at a Phoenix IHOP
and suggested that the Capitol attack may have been
a false flag operation set up by the FBI,
which is absolutely the least crazy idea
ever pitched at a Phoenix IHOP.
Today was National Sex Day.
Ew!
During the day?!
A group of pro-choice, topless protesters
with green paint on their chests
stormed the court of a WNBA game in Brooklyn this week,
but the NYPD announced that no charges were filed.
Apparently, they couldn't make an arrest
because nobody saw their faces.
"Oh, not I!"
There's no way I would not look at a face!
The cosmetics company Nails Inc recently launched
a line of cheese scented nail polishes.
Or if that's too expensive, just eat one handful of Cheetos.
And finally, a man in Wales broke a Guinness world record
after drinking at 56 pubs in 24 hours.
It was for "Most sober man in Wales."
And that was the monologue, everybody, oh!
♪♪