♪♪♪ HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF "YEAR BOOK," MR. SETH ROGEN.
SETH, YOU'VE GOT YOUR -- SETH, YOU'VE NOT YOUR NEW BOOK CALLED
YEAR BOOK.
THERE'S A STORY HERE THAT'S GOT A FAIR AMOUNT OF ATTENTION, YOU
AND JED A APATOW.
NO ONE'S EVER TRIED TO SELL ME ON SCIENTOLOGY AND I WOULD LIKE
IT IF SOMEONE WOULD TRY.
>> IT HAPPENED A FEW HOURS INTO THE MEETING AND I WAS WORRIED
THAT I WASN'T DEEMED WORTHY IN SOME WAY, HONESTLY.
AND SO IT WAS NICE WHEN THE PITCH FINALLY CAME.
BUT, YEAH, ME AND JUDD WERE SUMMONED TO TOM CRUISE'S HOUSE
TO TALK ABOUT MOVIE IDEAS BECAUSE THIS WAS THE PEEK WHEN
HE WAS VIEWED UNFAVORABLY WHEN HE WAS JUMPING ON THE COUCH ON
OPRAH -- >> Stephen: CALLING MATT LAUER
GLIB.
>> WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, ULTIMATELY, IT WAS A TIME I
THINK THAT HE WAS SAYING HE WANTED TO DO A COMEDY, AND, SO,
HE WAS MEETING WITH COMEDIC FILM-MAKERS TO TALK ABOUT A
POTENTIAL COMEDY MOVIE.
SO ME AND JUDD WENT TO MEET HIM.
WE WENT TO HIS HOUSE.
>> Stephen: NICE PLACE, I'M GUESSING?
>> VERY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, PALATIAL, ESTATE, WINDING
DRIVEWAY, I MIDWEST SURI.
NOBODY HAD MET HER AND WONDERED IF SHE WAS REAL.
IT WAS BELIEVABLE HE PERHAPS HAD A FAKE BABY, WHICH IS ON THE
TABLE, WHICH IS NOT SOMETHING YOU WANT PEOPLE TO THINK OF YOU.
BUT I WENT THERE, YEAH, WITH JUDD, AND, AFTER A FEW HOURS,
THE CONVERSATION FINALLY SHIFTED TO HOW HE WAS PER SIEVED IN THE
PRESS, AND HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW, YOU KNOW, IT WAS -- A LOT
OF THE STUFF WAS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT AND HE FELT AS THOUGH
THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY WAS PERHAPS USING THEIR SWAY TO
CONTROL -- YOU KNOW, MAKE HIM LOOK BAD IN THE MEDIA BECAUSE
SCIENTOLOGISTS DON'T BELIEVE IN PHARMACEUTICAL DRUGS, SO HE
THOUGHT HE WAS DAMAGING THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY.
AND, SO, THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME SCIENTOLOGY CAME UP.
IT WAS, LIKE, OH, BECAUSE OF SCIENTOLOGY, THAT'S WHY THEY
WOULD DO THAT.
HE WAS, LIKE, YEAH.
AND THEN HE LOOKS AT US AND HE GOES, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE HAVE A
LOT OF MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY, AND IF YOU LET ME
TELL YOU FOR ONE HOUR WHAT SCIENTOLOGY WAS, YOU WOULD SAY
NO ( BLEEP ) WAY.
AND, LIKE, I REMEMBER THINKING LIKE -- I REMEMBER THINKING LIKE
DO I SAY YES?
WHAT DO I SAY?
JUDD WAS THERE, I WAS LIKE IS HE GOING TO SAY YES?
WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS?
>> Stephen: PLEASE TELL ME YOU SAID YES.
>> I SAID NOTHING BECAUSE I DID NOT KNOW -- I GENUINELY FEARED I
WAS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO GET THE PITCH AND NOT GO ALONG WITH IT.
I'M A BIG TOM CRUISE FAN.
I WOULD NOT -- >> Stephen: ME, TOO!
THAT'S LIKE BEING TAUGHT ABOUT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH BY
ST. PETER.
>> EXACTLY, YOU WIND UP A CATHOLIC, THOUGH!
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
HE WOULD GET YOU.
THAT WAS MY FEAR.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW HOW?
HE WOULD GET YOU WITH THE TECH.
>> EXACTLY.
HE'D CLEAR -- >> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO USE
THE TECH BECAUSE KSW, AND I MEAN THAT.
>> CROSS THE BRIDGE, MAN.
I STEPPED ON YOU A LITTLE BIT THERE.
YOU WERE RIGHT TO SAY YES AND JUDD SAID NO.
>> JUDD -- I LOOKED AT JUDD AND JUDD ULTIMATELY SAID, HE'S,
LIKE, MAYBE ANOTHER TIME, AND TOM MOVED ON.
>> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF TOM'S WATCHING, I REALLY
WANT TO HEAR IT.
>> YOU WANT THE SHPEEL.
>> Stephen: I REALLY WANT TO HEAR IT.
I'M REALLY CURIOUS.
>> I'M SURE THEY WOULD BE THRILLED TO TELL YOU.
>> Stephen: TOM CRUISE.
CELEBRITIES NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
AND, LISTEN, HEY, I AM A CATHOLIC.
I MAKE PLENTY OF JOKES ABOUT MY OWN RELIGION, SO I'M READY TO
HEAR ANYBODY'S IDEA OF WHAT, YOU KNOW, WHAT THEY THINK I SHOULD
BE BELIEVING.
>> WELL, IT INVOLVES ALIENS AND VOLCANOES AND HIRED JEN BOMBS,
THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU'VE GOT A CHAPTER IN HERE ABOUT YOUR FIRST
WRITING GIG.
YOU WROTE JOKES FOR A MOIL.
>> I DID.
MY FIRST JOB.
>> Stephen: THE OBVIOUS FIRST QUESTION IS DID HE TAKE YOUR
SCRIPTS AS IS OR DID HE HAVE SOME CUTS?
>> THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD ONE!
YEAH, WELL, WHAT'S FUNNY, IT DID TURN INTO A BIT OF A
NEGOTIATION.
HE -- YEAH, HE -- HE SAW ME DO STANDUP AND HE GAVE ME HIS CARD
AND ASKED ME TO WRITE JOKES FOR HIM.
I HAD NEVER BEEN TO A CIRCUMCISION IN MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: ONE.
YOU WENT TO ONE.
>> WENT TO ONE.
HAVE A SHADY, BAD RECOLLECTION OF IT, TO SAY THE LEAST.
AND IF I DID REMEMBER IT, I PROBABLY THOUGHT IT WAS NOT AN
OCCASION FOR JOKES, IF ANYTHING, YOU KNOW.
AND, SO, YOU KNOW, HE WANTED ONE LINERS TO WARM UP THE CROWD
WITH, BASICALLY.
AND, SO, HE SAID HE WOULD PAY ME 50 BUCKS A JOKE.
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S GOOD MONEY!
>> IT'S NOT BAD.
I THOUGHT I'LL WRITE TEN JOKES, THAT'S 500 BUCKS.
I WAS IN.
TO ME, THAT WAS GREAT, YOU KNOW.
HE PICKED ME UP FROM SCHOOL IN HIS FERRARI.
HE HAD A FERRARI.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
A GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO CUT A MILLIMETER OF SKIN OFF THE TIP
OF AN INFANT'S PENIS IS DRIVING A ( BLEEP ) FERRARI?
HOW MANY BABY PENISES ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE?
WHAT IS THE RATE?
WHAT IS THE VIG?
WHAT DOES HE TAKE OFF THE TOP?
>> THERE'S NOT EVEN THAT MANY JEWS IN VANCOUVER.
IF THERE WAS LIKE BROOKLYN OR SOMETHING I WOULD TOTALLY
UNDERSTAND IT.
THERE'S A VERY SMALL NUMBER OF JEWISH PEOPLE IN VANCOUVER.
IT'S TOTALLY CRAZY.
AND, SO, HE PICKED ME UP IN HIS FERRARI.
WE GO TO A COFFEE SHOP, AND I GO OVER THE JOKES WITH HIM, AND HE
FIRST SAYS, THOUGH, HE'S, LIKE, I ONLY WANT TO PAY YOU FOR THE
JOKES I'M GOING TO USE, WHICH WAS ( BLEEP ) I THOUGHT.
I WAS, LIKE, THAT'S GOING TO A RESTAURANT AND SAY I'M ONLY
GOING TO PAY FOR WHAT I EAT ULTIMATELY.
I SAID, YOU CAN'T DO THAT, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR ALL OF IT.
AND HE HAS A FERRARI.
I WAS 14 YEARS OLD.
SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIKE ENTERING NEGOTIATIONS WITH A
14-YEAR-OLD OVER $500, DON'T DO IT AFTER DRIVING TO COFFEE IN
YOUR FERRARI, IS ALL I WAS GOING TO SAY, BECAUSE I WAS JUST LIKE
( BLEEP ), NO, YOU'RE PAYING M THE $500 YOU KNOW ME.
HE DIDN'T HAVE IT ON HIM AND I MADE HIM DRIVE ME TO AN A.T.M.
AND GET THE MONEY HE OWED ME.
>> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER THE JOKES?
>> HE'LL BE THE COOLEST KID IN PRE-SCHOOL, NOT A LOT OF KIDS
HIS AGE HAVE BEEN IN A KNIFE FIGHT.
THERE WAS ONE, IT WAS, LIKE, HE WALKS OFFSTAGE AND HE'S LIKE
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, I'VE JUST GOT TO OIL UP THE CHAINSAW.
I SAID, THAT'S NOT A GOOD ONE.
HE LIKED THAT ONE.
I SAID, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE PICKING THE RIGHT ONES, TO BE
TOTALLY HONESTLY.
WHAT'S CRAZY IS I HONESTLY DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THIS SINCE I
WAS 14, THE LAST 25 YEARS, BASICALLY.
LAST YEAR, MY MOTHER WAS AT A WEDDING SITTING NEXT TO THIS GUY
AT THE WEDDING BY COMPLETE COINCIDENCE, THE MOIL, AND IT
CAME UP, AND HE WAS, LIKE, DO YOU STILL TELL THE JOKES?
HE'S, LIKE, I STILL USE ALL THE JOKES IN EVERY SINGLE
CIRCUMCISION I DO.
SO 500 BUCKS FOR 25 YEARS WORTH OF JOKES IS PRETTY GOOD.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD DEAL.
WELL, THOSE STORIES AND MORE IN "YEAR BOOK" ON SALE NOW.
THE AUTHOR THE SETH ROGEN, EVERYBODY: THANKS, SETH.
BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY JACK INGRAM, MIRANDA LAMBERT AND JON
RANDALL.
♪♪♪
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♪♪
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♪♪
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♪♪
[ Humming ]
[ Door creaks ] Oh.
[ Soft music playing ]
What are you all doing in my daydream?
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(Brother) Hi Sis!
(Sister) You're late!
(Brother) Fashionably late.
(Sister) We can not be late.
(Brother) There's a road right there.
(Brother) That's a cat. Wait, just hold Madi's headpiece.
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BETTY: Honorary forest ranger Betty White here lending a hand
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>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
PERFORMING "IN HIS ARMS" FROM THEIR ALBUM, "THE MARFA TAPES,"
JACK INGRAM, MIRANDA LAMBERT AND JON RANDALL.
♪ ♪ ♪ (ACOUSTIC GUITAR)
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I'VE SEEN EL PASO WHEN THE SKY WAS ON FIRE
♪ LOST A NIGHT IN JUAREZ A COUPLE OF TIMES
♪ DANCED WITH A COWBOY ON A STRAIGHT TEQUILA HIGH
♪ I WISH I WAS IN HIS ARMS TONIGHT
♪ I'VE BEEN A ROLLING STONE, A TUMBLEWEED
♪ WAITING FOR THE RIGHT ONE TO COME FIND ME
♪ BUT THE WRONG ONE ALWAYS SET ME FREE
♪ I WISH I WAS IN HIS ARMS TONIGHT
IS HE ♪ PLAYING IN SOME HOUSE BAND
IN DALLAS?
♪ IS HE BREAKING HORSES IN SAN ANTONE?
♪ IS HE ALL ALONE IN THE NEON LIGHT?
♪ I WISH I WAS IN HIS ARMS TONIGHT
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
IS HE PRAYING FOR RAIN ♪ OUT IN WEST TEXAS?
IS HE LOST IN THE MARFA LIGHTS?
IS HE OUT THERE LOOKING FOR ME?
♪ WISHING I WAS IN HIS ARMS TONIGHT
I WISH I WAS IN HIS ARMS TONIGHT ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ >> STEPHEN: JACK INGRAM, MIRANDA
LAMBERT, AND JON RANDALL, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
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>> STEPHEN: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR A NEW FRIDAY LATE SHOW WHEN MY GUESTS
MORGAN FREEMAN.
STAY STRONG.
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Media Access Group at WGBH