Hi. In this video, I'm going to share three keys to finding, Mr. Right.
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Hi there. Mat Shaffer, your empowerment connection and relationship coach here.
I'm a former attorney who's committed his life to supporting women like you
in creating fun, fulfilling, dynamic connections and relationships with men
that you are so profoundly worthy of.
I'm really excited about this topic.
I'm going to share three important keys that are absolutely essential
if you want to find a great guy, the guy that a lot of women call, Mr. Right.
The sort that I work with my clients on all the time,
and I'm totally stoked to dive into it.
Before we do, take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training
that is going to make a huge difference in your connections with men.
Who is Mr. Right?
Mr. Right is going to be a very subjective thing
because Mr. Right is different for everyone.
There is no one uniform man that is a perfect fit for every type of woman.
In a lot of ways, Mr. Right is an inside job.
A lot of our tips are going to revolve
around who you get to be in order to attract Mr. Right.
This all goes back to a fundamental principle,
that all relationships are a mirror.
What does a mirror do?
A mirror shows us a reflection of our self,
and so Mr. Right and how he shows up in your life,
will be a reflection of your best self.
How many of you can relate to
maybe some of your relationships that you've had throughout your life?
They've all been a reflection or a projection of where you were in your life.
If you're depressed, if you're in a bad space in your life,
a lot of times the relationships you're going to have during that period
are going to be toxic.
It's important that we do this inner work as we're going out into the world
so that we can show up as our best self and attract the best possible partner to us.
Are you with me?
Let's dive into this.
Key number one is to know and love yourself.
I know that may sound simple, but for a lot of people, it's not.
How well do you know yourself?
I want you to take a second and ask yourself right now,
what is your unique brilliance?
What are your gifts? What are your strengths?
What are your talents?
These are all super important for you to be aware of
as you go out there into the world, as you connect with men,
because these are what you want to be demonstrating to him,
and we're going to get into that later.
It starts with an inner awareness.
Check-in with yourself.
What gifts do you bring to relationship?
What brilliance do you shine and radiate out into the world?
If you're having a hard time coming up with some of them,
it's a really powerful exercise to ask the people closest to you.
The people that know and love you the best.
Ask them, what do you think my gifts are?
What value do I bring to our friendships, to our relationships?
If you're able to do that,
they're going to give you incredible feedback.
It's going to be a little vulnerable, it might be a little scary,
but sometimes, seeing how other people see us,
can be one of the most powerful mirrors that you'll ever have in relationship.
Get vulnerable, ask the people around you,
and then incorporate what it is that you're saying.
That's going to be a little scary for some of you too
because when they give you feedback
on all the beauty and the brilliance that they see in you,
you're going to get to believe them and you're going to get to receive that.
You're going to want to believe and receive.
Say it with me now, believe and receive.
Speaking of believe, another huge component of knowing and loving yourself
is being aware of your beliefs.
I like to say that our beliefs are an invisible box that we live in.
We often can't see the walls of it, but it will dictate and determine
so many of our behaviors and the patterns that we operate from in our life.
Have you done belief work?
Have you flipped the beliefs that no longer serve you?
Most people are operating on autopilot,
under conditioned beliefs that they've been picking up
from childhood throughout their life.
If you haven't done belief work, dive into it.
Let me know in the comments if you want to see me do a belief work video,
I would be delighted to do that for you all
if it's something that you think you'll get some value out of.
One more important point around knowing and loving yourself
is to know and love your shadow.
It's not just enough to know and love all the beautiful brilliant parts of yourself,
but ask yourself, "Where do you feel shame?
In what aspects of your life do you feel like you need to hide them from other people?
Where do you feel bad about yourself?"
There's no more important area that you need to love in your life,
that you need to shine light upon, than the things that you're ashamed of.
That is another key component of knowing who you are,
is looking for that shadow,
looking for the darkness in your life and bringing it into the light.
Brené Brown said it best, "Shame grows in the dark,"
so those parts of ourselves that we're embarrassed about.
Maybe you think that you're not smart enough,
maybe you think that you're not attractive enough,
that you are unworthy of having a true partner.
This goes back to that belief flipping that we were just talking about.
What beliefs about who you are and how you show up in the world,
where do you carry shame?
Are you willing to look at that and are you willing to expose it to the truth
that those beliefs aren't real?
You are worthy of an incredible relationship.
You are 100% worthy of love.
You are good enough. You are smart enough.
You are enough,
but you get to adopt and embrace that to yourself.
Look at your shadow, bring it to the light of day
and that will be one of the biggest components of loving yourself that you'll ever do.
The second key has two important parts.
The first is that you get to embrace that you are worthy of Mr. Right,
while simultaneously releasing the need to find him.
This is a little interesting so I'm going to break it down for you.
The first part of this is that you get to be in absolute certainty that you are worthy.
That you are worthy of a beautiful relationship.
That you are worthy of being happy.
Going back to the first point and practicing self-love,
but in a very focused way
because for a lot of us,
relationship is where we come up against our worthiness conversation.
Who am I to deserve being happy?
Who am I to get the relationship that I want?
For most of us or for a lot of us out there,
we watched our parents have relationships
where they maybe weren't as happy as they could be,
or we went through our own lives settling
in relationship, after relationship, after relationship.
Bottom line is, you all, just because it's happened in your past,
doesn't mean it gets to be your future.
You make that choice in the present moment.
You can change your history in the present moment.
You can look back in your past relationships
and everything you've experienced up until now and say,
"I am grateful for every relationship that I have had up until now,
whether they were good, bad, or ugly,
but I'm not going to allow those past relationships
to determine the rest of my life.
I'm going to choose to believe in this moment.
No matter how many times I've been told that I'm not worthy,
that now I am worthy of everything that I want and I am going to be happy.
I'm going to make that choice every day that I get out of bed,
and with every decision that I make when it comes to men."
That is what we call, stepping into worthiness in a big way.
Then, the other side of this is we get to release attachment to the outcome.
You don't need, Mr. Right.
You don't need Mr. Right because you're happy already.
You're grounded in who you are.
You did, key one, in a big way
and you recognize that you are worthy of an incredible relationship
and you don't need a person to complete you
or to give you that sense of fullness or completeness.
When you release attachment to finding Mr. Right,
when you release that need to have him in your life,
how do you think that impacts how you show up?
I'll tell you.
It makes you magnetic.
As a man, I can tell you, nothing makes a woman more attractive to me
than her not having a lot invested in the early stages of our connection.
Me feeling that she is free and playful and light.
Remember, ladies, men are looking to be set free by women.
That is something that the masculine is craving so deeply from the feminine.
By you showing up unattached to outcome,
unattached to the way things are going,
and just allowing yourself to be in experiential joy with us,
it's going to be incredibly attractive, incredibly magnetic,
and it's going to draw us towards you.
If you want to call Mr. Right in, truly believe in every fiber of your being
that you are worthy of him and the experience of being in relationship with him,
but then, don't get attached to how he shows up, when he shows up.
Release outcome dependence, release your timeline.
An important point here is, timing is none of your business.
That's super, super, super important for you to recognize,
that the timing of when he's going to show up
is going to be directly connected to where you're at within yourself.
That's why we keep doing inner work
while we're out there in the world connecting with men.
Speaking to being out in the world, that's what key number three is all about.
The third key to finding Mr. Right
is that you get to be in full unapologetic ownership of all of this out in the world.
How many friends do you have
that sit there complaining about not finding any good guys,
as they sit on the couch watching Netflix
and hanging out and complaining to other friends.
We're all complaining about the same thing while they sit at home.
That is not going to get us the results we want.
We get to be in ownership of all this inner work out there where we can be seen.
What is the stretch in this?
It is that you get to allow yourself to be seen,
you get to allow yourself to be seen on online dating platforms,
you get to allow yourself to be seen in social settings,
you get to put yourself out there.
I know for a lot of women, that can be very scary.
I want you to check-in with yourself and ask yourself,
"What comes up for you when you think about being seen by men
when you think about putting yourself out there?
I know for a lot of my clients and students, what comes up is fear.
Fear of rejection, fear of being seen for those shameful parts of ourselves,
the parts that we're scared people will see,
the shadow stuff that I talked about a little while ago.
Just know that it is completely natural for all sorts of fear,
all sorts of worthiness conversations, all sorts of ego stuff
to come up for you when you're talking about putting yourself out there.
I want you to know that none of it matters.
None of it should keep you hiding away
because if you are in full recognition and acknowledgment
that you are worthy of a loving, passionate, vibrant relationship
with an incredible partner,
then that means that you get to own your voice.
If all relationships are a mirror, you get to stand in your power,
unapologetically, in front of men
so that they can witness that and they can feel that,
and they can experience that, and then they can be drawn to you from that.
You can create that in an online dating profile,
you can create that standing at a bar with your friends,
by the way that you show up, by the pictures that you choose,
by the words that you choose when you're writing your profile.
There are so many different ways to do it.
I want to invite you to step in and ask yourself,
"What would that version of me say?
How would she show up in pictures?"
Pick those pictures where you are fully in your power,
where you are on the top of a mountain,
where you are in incredible experiential situations with friends and with family.
What demonstrates the core of who you are?
What does it look like for you to be in unapologetic ownership
of your value and your worthiness when you're connecting with men?
Are you owning your voice?
Are you holding your frame?
Are you actually disagreeing with him in a playful way,
if you two have a difference in opinion on something?
Know who you are,
know what you're into and what you're not into,
and don't be afraid to hold your frame with a man
because that demonstrates high value to him.
That's going to help him see the truth of who you are
and it's going to draw him to you
and make him want to honor and get to know you better.
Men love a little challenge.
Men love a woman who doesn't just collapse their frame into his,
and I'm going to link to my Hold Your Frame video down in the description below
if you're curious more about that concept.
I know I've shared three powerful keys to finding Mr. Right.
You know what?
I'm feeling generous, I want to give you a fourth one.
This is probably the most important one yet.
That is, I want you to think of Mr. Right not so much as a character
with a certain hair and a certain physique and everything else,
I want you to think of Mr. Right as an experience.
I want you to think about Mr. Right as the magic that you feel when you're with him.
Keep his physical parameters open and flexible.
You can draw upon lots of different people in putting that together,
but what's more important than what he looks like, is how he makes you feel.
I want you to draw upon all of your past relationships,
all the beautiful moments that you've had with previous partners,
and use them to help compile an experiential understanding
of what being with Mr. Right looks and feels like.
It's that feeling, it's that experience that you really want to call upon,
and that you want to use when you're thinking about
what that relationship is going to be.
That's what's going to inspire you to get out there and do that work,
to get out from under your old beliefs and allow yourself to be seen
by men who truly want to celebrate and cherish you.
Remember, ladies, those four keys to finding Mr. Right are,
number one, knowing and loving yourself first.
Do that inner work, do that belief work,
understand and recognize the value and the gifts and the brilliance
that you bring into relationship,
and don't be afraid to ask the people closest to you
if you're getting stuck around what they are.
Key two, truly embrace that you're worthy of him
and release the need to have him.
Release your outcome dependence.
It's a combination of being in full ownership of your value and your worth,
while at the same time, not being attached to when he shows up or how he shows up.
If you can do that in a powerful way,
it is going to make you irresistible to the men that you're meeting.
The third key is
to be in unapologetic ownership of all of this brilliance out in the world.
You need to allow yourself to be seen by men in online dating,
out at the supermarket.
In every area of your life, there are opportunities for you
to put yourself out there and be seen in the way that you connect with men.
When you're connecting with them, own your voice, hold your frame.
That last bonus tip, ladies,
is to see Mr. Right less as a person and more as an experience.
You want to really dive into the feeling of being in that dream relationship.
Call upon all the best parts of all your past relationships,
and use them to put together a beautiful highlight reel
of what it will be like to be with that dream partner.
Bring in new things. Use your imagination.
Don't be afraid and don't allow any thoughts of unworthiness or cynicism
to dull the magic of that experience.
If you're able to do these things effectively,
you will be amazed at the men that will begin flowing into your life from all angles.
Before you get out there and do all that,
be sure to take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training for you
that's going to make a huge difference
in your connections and relationships with men.
Thanks so much for stopping by, and I'll see you in my next video.
Bye-bye.
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