- Hey everybody, happy Thursday.
Now today's question is another good one.
But before we jump into that, are you new to my channel?
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all things mental health.
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Hi Katy, can you make a video about emotional incest?
You know, how to recognize it?
What to do?
How it can feel, et cetera?
Of course I can.
Thanks for asking.
And as always I wanna begin by defining the term,
emotional incest, because just the term itself
makes it sound like sexual abuse kind of, right?
But it's not sexual at all.
Emotional incest is when a parent doesn't have
any healthy boundary between themselves and their child.
They rely on their child for emotional support
and treat them like a partner instead of a child.
Meaning they may cry to their child
about their divorce or break up.
Even sharing sexually explicit details
with their child, treating them like a friend,
or even a spouse.
And this can be a huge burden on a child.
And it can make us feel pressure to, you know,
have to fix whatever is going on with our parent.
In a perfect world, a child would be free
to be a child and to socialize with other children.
In an emotionally incestual relationship,
a child often feels guilty if they leave
their parent at home or knows just how much
the parent needs them so they won't engage
in after school activities.
Now obviously this can appear in many variations.
But, overall just know that the child
isn't able to form healthy and happy relationships
with those around them and can be emotionally manipulated
by the parent.
Because think about it, if I'm so worried that my mom
is gonna be upset and, if I don't come home,
or she's so sad when I'm not there,
she's so lonely, that I don't do any after school stuff,
I don't play any sports that I like,
I don't try out for that play I've really been wanting to,
or try to get into that band because the practices
are after school, if, if we restrict ourselves
as a child that way we're being manipulated, right?
Our behaviors aren't of our own volition.
They're controlled by the parent.
And children should be free to do what they want.
They should be able to participate
in after school activities.
Or school activities.
Some parents who are emotionally incestual
with their children will often try to homeschool them
just so they have more control
and have them around more.
Now I could go on and on about this topic
because I find it so fascinating
and also so important for us to talk about
so that it doesn't keep happening to us
or those around us, but let's get into the question itself.
This person asked how to recognize emotional incest.
Now if your parent is sharing things that,
as a child, you shouldn't know, that's your first red flag.
Now I know that that may be hard for you to recognize.
That seems kind of broad.
But ask your friends.
That's a way to test it.
Ask the people that you see at school
and see what their parents share with them.
Also, notice if you're allowed to have friends.
Or if you're made to feel guilty
when you would rather spend time with them.
Because it's normal for children to want
to see their friends over their parents,
especially when we're teenagers.
It's part of that boundary pushing developmental
stage that we're at.
So it's very normal for us to be like,
no mom, I don't wanna go with you to that thing.
I'm gonna go out with my friends.
That's just kind of part of, part of how it is
and how it should be.
And a healthy parental relationship will involve discipline.
You know where you may get grounded.
Or you might be forced to spend time with family.
Like, it's a birthday dinner for your sister.
Oh.
Or, you know, you have like a family reunion
or something like that.
That's all normal.
But other than that, you should feel free to socialize
after school and on weekends with friends.
I mean as long as your homework's done
and you've done your chores you,
you should be able to go.
It shouldn't be an always no thing.
Or sure leave me, oh.
And they cry.
That's part of the manipulation
that I want you to just be aware of.
Another sign is if you feel responsible
for your parent's emotional struggle.
Meaning you feel you have to fix it.
Or work something out for them.
This is not the role of a child.
Okay?
Unless you need to apologize for something that you did
because we can all hurt people's feelings
and do things that are wrong,
but other than that you're not responsible
for the emotional wellbeing of your parent.
That's the role of their therapist,
spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or,
even more importantly, themselves.
We are all responsible for ourselves
and our own emotional wellbeing.
We can't lean completely on other people.
Especially not our children.
Our children should be free to develop
their own emotional awareness and connectivity
with other kids and other people in their lives.
And we should be there to support
and guide and love them.
Now the next portion of the question
is about how it can feel.
And to be honest, it can feel odd.
Really uncomfortable at first.
And then the guilt that we may feel can be debilitating.
But overall, if this has been happening
since we were really, really young,
we might not even notice by the time we're a teen let's say.
We might get so used to it happening
that we don't even recognize it as weird anymore.
But there can still be things that a parent will share
that could creep us out.
Or make us not want to continue the conversation.
Like, for example, if your mother is the one
doing this to you, she may try to share how upset
she is that her boyfriend broke up with her.
In doing so she can cry, you know,
she might tell you how often they had sex,
and then she found out he was sleeping with another person.
No matter how long this emotional incest has been going on,
you should still and most probably will be creeped out
by this or upset at the very least.
And that's why I describe emotional incest
as feeling uncomfortable.
Yet, filled with constant guilt.
Now let's finish by talking about how to heal from it.
And the first thing we can do
set up boundaries. And I know I talk about this a lot.
And many of you don't really understand boundaries
or I know that they're very, very difficult
to put in place and to uphold.
But we have to learn kind of where they are.
The first stage in setting up boundaries
is when do we feel uncomfortable?
Is it when our parent talks about sex?
Or talks about their romantic relationships?
Maybe that's that icky uncomfortable creep feeling,
that comes out when they talk about those topics.
So if that's the case,
those are the things that we're gonna first
have our boundary up about.
If that parent begins to talk about it
we can say, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
I just don't wanna hear about that.
Please stop or I'm just,
I'm gonna have to go with my friends.
I just don't wanna hear.
So we're holding it up that that's not okay.
We should probably say,
I don't like it when you talk about x, y, z,
so they know what it is.
And then we can offer to remove ourselves.
Because we know that they want us there.
And I know this can sound like the reverse manipulation
but we're really just like teaching them this is a boundary.
If you don't adhere to it,
I'm not gonna talk to you.
Because that's the truth.
That's what boundaries are for.
And so as we kind of get more and more comfortable
placing boundaries up around things we're okay
with someone talking to us about
and things we're not, the better it will get
and the, the easier it will be, okay.
And we'll start to feel a little bit of levity.
Maybe a little bit happier.
A little better because we have more space.
And the boundaries can slowly move out.
I don't want you to think you have to throw out boundaries
and then that's just what it is.
That's what makes them hard.
That's what, why I think a lot of people are like,
oh, I can't do that.
But we can start little by little.
Certain things aren't okay.
I would prefer to do it this way.
Just make sure we're communicating them.
We're not just shutting down.
Telling them, nope, and walking away.
We have to communicate like,
I don't like hearing about that.
It's really upsetting or it's really uncomfortable.
If they try to fight you on it,
that's when you can say, you know what,
I'm just gonna have to walk away.
I don't wanna talk about this.
And those are, that's how you set up boundaries healthfully.
So, I have a bunch of videos about boundaries.
You can just search Katy Morton boundaries if you want more.
But let's move on to the next one.
And my next tip is get outside support.
Build up your support system outside of your parent.
That might be starting to join that band
you've always wanted to join at school.
Or starting that sport or trying out for something.
Or joining that art club.
Anything.
We need to start building up supports.
It could be if we already go to church,
we join the youth group.
It could be, if we have a really good friend,
we spend more time at their house.
And we get to know some of their other friends
and their other friend groups.
We need to start branching out.
So that you're reminded each and every day
that you're not alone.
And that the parent isn't the only person in your life,
nor should they be.
And we need to be around other people
who have more healthy interactions with their parents
so that we can see what's normal.
And that can also be helpful
when we're setting up boundaries.
We can look at it and be like,
oh, their mom, oh, that's why I don't like it
when my mom does that.
Okay. And then we can kind of learn from it.
It can be a really, really great thing to see
so that we can learn from the things
that are going right in their lives.
At the time, get some extra support.
And number three, see a therapist or join a group.
We know when we've been
in an emotionally incestual relationship
there's gonna be a lot we're gonna have to process through.
And things we're gonna have to like,
tell our therapist and be like, is that normal?
Am I crazy?
We're gonna need some of that validation.
Some understanding.
And therapy is a really, really safe place,
and even group therapy,
that's why I added that in there,
is that those can be safe places
to learn about it, process through what happened,
so that we can begin to heal.
And my fourth tip,
get out of you can.
If you're still living with this parent,
save your money.
Get a job where you just work a couple hours a week
and start saving it.
See if you can stay with a friend
or another family member.
Please get out of that situation.
You are not responsible for that parent.
They are responsible for themselves.
And if they can't adhere to boundaries
and they don't, they won't allow for a healthy relationship
to be cultivated, you have to get out
so that you can heal.
And my fifth and final tip, and it's not even really a tip,
it's just a comment kind of is,
know that it will be painful and hard,
but that it will be worth it.
This is totally a process, not perfection.
Trying to leave a parent that has been
so dependent on us can be really hard.
And it can make us feel like a bad child.
A bad daughter, a bad son, and we're just a bad person.
But that's not what's happening.
So just be patient with yourself.
And be understanding that the relationship that you have
and that dynamic isn't healthy.
And it's not okay.
And if they won't work with you,
which in my experience most incestuous parents do not,
but some can, right.
It's never hard and fast.
It's not just 100% don't.
There could be a parent that would.
And so, at least open up into that
and then be aware that they may not be able
to have a healthy relationship with you.
And that could be painful.
And there may be a lot of grieving that you have to do.
I've talked about grief a lot,
and how I think that we're all grieving
at different times in our lives.
And this might be one of those times for you.
But just keep with it.
Keep reaching out, keep speaking up,
keep trying, saving your money so you can get out
because it can and will get better.
Thank you so much for watching.
I hope you found that helpful.
As always share in those comments down below.
How are the ways that you've healed?
Or what signs and symptoms did you experience
to let you know that that was what was going on?
Please let me know in those comments down below.
And I will see you next time.
Bye.