[Applause]
welcome to the second
annual rupaul's roast this year we are
really switching things up
instead of rupaul we are going to roast
a man of true charisma
uniqueness nerve and talent
unfortunately he was unavailable so it's
going to be michelle visage
michelle we know you for being a kind
patient shero and gonorrhea clinics know
you as
patient zero
girl you have had more in you than a
urinal at dodger stadium
the only difference is they get cleaned
up after a grand slam
well ladies and gentlemen just remember
if you liked my performance my name is
shea coulee
and if you hated it it's nina benita
brown
thank you shea coulee that was extremely
edifying humor uh
sorry am i using that word correctly not
edifying i know that one
it was humor that i wasn't sure worked
in this context
tonight we really do have an opportunity
to salute empowering representation in
the media
we have an out and proud lesbian
comedian thank you so much ross matthews
ross matthews has the face of a young
gay man
and the voice of an adult woman so
the opposite of tamar braxton
it's now come time to talk about
michelle visage herself
michelle is so jersey her idea of
classical music
is lisa lisa
michelle visage is so jersey she calls
her pubic hair the garden state
expressway
and let's not even get started on the
holland tunnels
michelle visage is so i have more of
these michelle massage
is so jersey she wanted to call her
second child white flight
oh well that one worked in my mind
and now a queen who combines all the
excitement
of smiling with the thrill of just
standing there
give it up for valentina
mama rupaul you are the shadiest queen
cause you let micelle visage look so
busted
on season three and four
and five and six and seven and eight
and girl that's your friend
[Laughter]
michelle is such a cochina that she
knows
how to say and spell harder in six
different languages missile
you is such a tired that when
you got
carpal tunnel from giving out free hand
job
she just became left-handed
i'm so confused ross you're just
so cute and so sweet you just remind me
of a
cute hamster i just want to shove you up
my butt
thank you pedro mo we be
in please
excuse the way i'm dressed i have to go
feed the chickens after this
and i didn't want to wear my good things
i sometimes even have to wrestle a few
of them
michelle you know all about wrestling
don't you
i think we have a lot in common from the
same taste in hairspray
to the same units of botox fillers lifts
tucks snips and hips
michelle every time i walk the runway
you have this pungent look on your face
kind of like you got a
i reckon they have some laxatives for
that
just a secret we all poop
let's get this roasted cooking
can we please put our hands together
for the one the only michelle
visage jizz breath
they're the real star of this show sorry
rupaul
i find it hilarious that michelle visage
judges a talent competition
i don't know about you but don't you
actually have to have talent to do that
and i'm pretty sure having one song in
the 90s that no one even remembers
doesn't qualify you to be a judge on
such a big tv show
good thing she's been rupaul's for so
long
oh and we've got tamar braxton in the
house
tamar braxton however you say it
she's tony braxton's less talented
more annoying sister
um anyways now that michelle's stick
breath has stunk up this entire stage
i'd like to introduce our next minty
contestant peppermint
hey y'all thank you pheromone ross
everyone says that your voice is
annoying and high-pitched but
i actually love the sound of your voice
right now don't talk
don't talk miss visage michelle michelle
not since destiny's child has a michelle
become
so famous for riding somebody else's
coattail
[Applause]
rupaul all smiles ross
all smiles michelle poker face
no seriously someone poked her face it
it doesn't even move
michelle says no to everything
michelle you like my dress no you like
my makeup
no where the hell were you when
somebody asked you if you wanted to
write that book
it's a great book michelle said no one
honestly i fell in love with you
michelle watching you and rupaul on vh1
and i'm so honored to share this moment
with you so thank you
happy 90th birthday michelle
hey babies it's me mother maybelline
nina bonina banana for fana osama bin
laden's brown great aunt
all the way from the lions tigers and
bears the shapes of the lord missionary
baptist church
praise the lord moving on to the man of
the hour
rupaul's secretary michelle the sage
you know michelle your face reminds me
of my hip
stiff oh jesus
[Laughter]
what's your name baby
you are a whole lot of woman
well we normally save the best for last
but in this case
we had to settle for alexis michelle
oh michelle michelle michelle
in honor of your big night i wore your
favorite color girl
um we
have so much in common michelle we have
the theater running in our veins
michelle
you also have several venereal diseases
running through yours but
besides the point
but you know you're also an inspiration
to me michelle
as thin as you have become one area has
stayed the same
unchanged it's a hanukkah miracle baruch
hashem
oh my goodness fortune you also know
about playing second fiddle you've been
playing bull
to chelsea handlers alcoholic wasp for
ages now
now michelle i have to congratulate you
on really being able to take the piss
just
ask the uk men's water polo team
[Music]
okay she loves water sports she loves
the uk
and we love you mama thank you
ladies and gentlemen it's been real good
night everybody
this is not a happy ending and it don't
help that you look like she-hulk
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hi