- Hi, I'm Marisa Peer
and I'm frequently asked about Imposter Syndrome.
It seems to be the new buzzword,
but really it's been around for some time.
So what is Imposter Syndrome?
Because some studies recently showed that 70%
of professional women have Imposter Syndrome.
40% of professional men have it,
and that doesn't even take in the statistics
of people who wouldn't class themselves as professional,
but still have this Imposter Syndrome.
So Imposter Syndrome is kind of self-explanatory.
It means 'I feel like a fake.
'I feel like a fraud.
'I feel like I'm acting.
'I feel like one day people are going to find out
'that I'm just not good enough.'
And that is the number one feeling and belief
that lies underneath Imposter Syndrome.
'I'm not good enough.
'I'm not smart enough.
'I'm not talented enough to play this part.
'I can fool everyone, but I can't fool myself
'and so I go to work and I feel like a fake.'
And many, many coaches tell me
that the number one thing that clients come to them for
is Imposter Syndrome.
And guess what, coaches say "But I also feel like an imposter,
"I don't like coaching wealthy people
"that have more money than me, 'cause how can I coach them?"
And many HR departments talk about the same problem.
"We've promoted someone, we know they're great,
"but they've got this huge fear of being a fraud."
In fact, I recently worked with an amazing woman
who's promoted to head of her department.
She said, "but I can't tell men what to do.
"I just don't feel comfortable leading this team.
"I don't know why I got promoted,
"but I feel like a fake."
And you know, Imposter Syndrome happens to everybody.
Rich clients, famous clients,
super successful, gifted, talented people
still have this feeling of not really good enough.
"I'm scared that you'll find out,"
because we now compare ourselves to everyone.
And actually I blame the media a lot for Imposter Syndrome.
You see, when I've worked with clients who have it,
they always go back to the same thing,
over exposure to fake images of perfection.
'Everyone else is great, everyone else is super skinny.
'Just had a baby.
'Their homes are perfect.
'Their kids are perfect.
'Their relationships are perfect.
'Their careers are perfect.
'They haven't had rejection or setbacks or knock backs.'
Of course they have, but the media,
and especially social media,
now causes us to compare ourselves to people whose lives
that we see on the screen aren't even real.
And of course we feel inadequate
when we compare ourselves to that,
but remember, it's not real.
So who suffers from Imposter Syndrome?
Well, you might be surprised to know
how many famous, rich, beautiful, talented,
gifted people suffer from Imposter Syndrome.
David Beckham has talked about it,
Eminem,
Ed Sheeran talked about it a lot,
about how on his way to fame,
he was never quite sure that he was enough.
Lady Gaga has talked a lot about her issues,
the depression and the price of fame
and this feeling of transitioning from a singer
to an actress and doing it incredibly well,
but always thinking 'I wasn't really good enough.
'I could've, would've, should've done better.'
We know that Rihanna has talked about it too.
It's interesting to look at people who've got everything,
because then we think, 'wow,
'I thought Imposter Syndrome was feeling like a fake
'until I made it,
'but you can still have that feeling when you've made it.'
Oh, yes!
For some people, it actually makes it worse.
Imagine you're doing something
and trying to believe that you're enough
and suddenly you've got this army of fans,
you have your photograph taken all the time,
and that pressure can cause a meltdown.
We can see Lily Allen was an example of that
because now, "before I felt not good enough,
"now I've got a whole audience of fans
"who expect me to be perfect
"and I cannot possibly live up to that.
"Because I felt like a fraud before
"and I feel like a bigger fraud
"with more pressure to pretend I'm not a fraud
"and I just can't run away from that feeling of being a fake,
"being not enough, being an imposter."
So being in show business is like being in any business.
You have to deliver
and many people have performance anxiety,
this feeling of 'I won't be good enough,'
and whether you're stepping on stage
or having a meeting with a client or selling a product,
it all comes back to you having to be authentic
and having high confidence
and not this worry of 'I'm going to mess this up,
'I'm not good enough, I'm just a fraud.'
For many, many people, Imposter Syndrome just lies
on top of this feeling of 'I'm not enough'.
Nigella Lawson has talked about that very honestly,
how people think she's a domestic goddess,
She's said "I'm not really good at playing with my children.
"And by the way, when people show me pictures
"of myself looking like a goddess, I didn't feel great.
"I feel pressure."
Eric Clapton's wife said, "every time I saw myself
"on the cover of Vogue, I felt inadequate.
"People thought some goddess has walked into the room
"because here are the songs written about me,
"'Wonderful Tonight', 'Layla', 'Something',
"and that didn't make me feel good.
"It made me feel like a fake.
"People thought a goddess would walk into the room
"and I didn't even know how to be that goddess."
Taylor Swift has talked a lot
about the pressure to be perfect,
to deliver something that isn't real.
And Bryony Gordon, the influencer, the journalist,
the writer has talked about the same thing,
this pressure to be something we're not,
to deliver someone who is physically,
mentally, emotionally, financially perfect.
We can't do it, but we feel we must do it.
And it always goes back to this 'well, I'm not enough
''cause I'm not all-around perfect
'and you expect me to be perfect.
'Now I have what I call the self-destructiveness of talents.
'So much is expected of me.
'I can't possibly deliver that much.
'And if I can't deliver perfection,
'I must be delivering failure.'
Which feeds straight back in, again, to this imposter.
'I'm a failure because I can't be perfect,'
but there is no perfect.
Perfect does not exist.
If you set out to be perfect,
it's a destination you will never, ever reach.
There is no terminus called 'perfection'.
You've entered a race with no finishing line ever.
The unhappiest people try to be perfect
and the happiest people accept 'hey,
'I'm a real, flawed person having real, flawed relationships
'with the flawed people in my life
'and I don't need, nor even want, to be perfect.'
And that is one of the ways you get over
this Imposter Syndrome.
There is no question that impostor syndrome will steal away,
hamper, eat into your joy, your progress,
your happiness and people do have it.
You might be surprised to know that I've had it.
Only two years ago, a huge Hollywood actor asked me
if I'd go to his home and work with him.
And in the car, he sent me a limo,
in the car to his house, I was thinking 'who am I?
'Who am I to go and see somebody as big as him?
'What could I possibly offer him?
'He's a megastar!'
And when I got to his house,
we seemed to spend a long time by the gate.
The chauffeur was on the phone.
I said, "what's happening?"
He said, "oh, he wants to be in the drive to meet you.
"You're so important.
"He so honored you've come to see him."
I'm like, "he's honored?"
But, of course, when I worked with him,
I realized that he also had Imposter Syndrome.
Here's me thinking 'who am I?
'Who am I to help you?'
And as I sat down to help him,
he was thinking, 'who am I?
'Who am I to go on stage and act like I'm something?
'I still feel like this little kid from a small town.
'And I feel like a fake.'
And there it is.
Who am I?
And of course, Marianne Williamson wrote an amazing poem
that was in Nelson Mandela's speech
"Who am I? Who are you not?"
And he said "who are you not to be gorgeous?
"Why would you hide your light under a bushel?
"You playing small doesn't serve anyone."
And so when you have that 'who am I?',
remember what he said, "who are you not?"
We're all given something.
Just be the best.
You don't compare yourself
because when you can be the best you
and know that the best you can ever be
ever, ever, ever is a flawed person
having a great flawed life with other flawed people,
you'll feel so much better.
I'm flawed, everyone in my life is flawed,
and we have amazing, wonderful, flawed relationships
without beating ourselves up for not being perfect.
Because I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt,
my unhappiest clients ever
are the ones that try to be perfect.
Not only are they the unhappiest, guess what,
they're always the loneliest too
because people don't want to hang out
with someone who's perfect.
It makes them feel inadequate.
You can join my 'I Am Enough' program
and learn so many techniques that wire in and fire in
and code in better thoughts
so you overcome Imposter Syndrome.
And if you want to know how to do that,
click the link below to watch my free masterclass.
So you will begin to see how to let go
of negative beliefs that get right in your way
and replace them with positive ones that set you free.