Are you ready for a bowl of K Crunch?
RRRRGGHH!
[music]
We've got five sizzling videos heating up July 2011
starting with 2NE1's "I Am The Best"
Although technically released at the end of June,
it's monstrous success spilled into July.
We think it's best described as a dirty electro version of a tribal sacrifice,
2NE1, goddesses that they are, are given many things
to appease their rageful anger.
Ice cream cats, kittens, cars, poodles and pleather,
and yet the goddesses are unappeased.
They angrily destroy their last awards
With a baseball bat that says "HIT" on it. Get it?!
Because it says Hit, song, and they're like hitting it.
Like, hit hit. It's like a smash. Like a smash hit.
Guise? No? Oh.
Their blindfolded followers then proceed to drum for them,
But 2NE1 is still unappeased,
so they enter a trancelike state with jibberish incantations.
BOMBARATATATA BATA TA TA TA BEET!
And then proceed to destroy the pyramid and presumably,
murder everyone around them.
Good job 2NE1. You scare me a little bit.
T-ara's "Roly Poly" also released at the end of June,
marks their comeback for 2011.
We love this song. This is the awesomest discofunk music
you're ever gonna hear in Korea in this decade.
They showcase many talents in this video, from acting to dancing,
to sneaking away like ninjas from a hipster crowd
of kumbayaing nerds in a gigantically open field.
We loved this video.
So after leaving said Kumbaya, they head to a club,
which is for some reason packed in the middle of the day.
But, anyways, they meet a special breed of man,
a mumblecruster, who only touches his hair to communicate with people.
[AHH YEAH THAT'S SOME SEXY COWBELL MUSIC!]
Then, they do something amazing.
They channel the spirit of John Travolta
and they learn a perfectly choreographed disco dance in five minutes in the bathroom
Wait...was that the macarena?
Afterwards they boogie on stage and something something something
HOLY CRAP DID YOU HEAR THAT COWBELL SOLO?
Dear Kpop Producers:
The Scientific community has recently come to unanimous decision
that the use of cowbell directly improves the quality of your songs
In fact, if you refer to graph 1.1
You will see that cowbell usage directly improves
the quality of the awesomeness of your song.
Therefore, in conclusion: More cowbell!
Thank you very much.
Hyuna marked the release of her first solo EP with "Bubble Pop"
This is her second solo song since 2010's "Change"
This might be Korea's biggest Kpop video of the summer,
with something like 9,000,000 views since we last checked.
Hyuna's "Bubble Pop" proves to be a hip workout for girls
and an eyebrow workout for guise.
You know what I mean. With the eyebrow workouts
Like this. Oh yeah. Feel the burn. Very nice.
Oh yeah I'm cramping. Ok I'm done here.
My favorite part of the song: where they go [DUBSTEP SOLO]
Somehow, they seem to merge the cute bubbliness of Korean pop
with the raging angsty nerdiness of dubstep DJs. Well done!
The only thing that struck us as odd
was that the sound of the song, the lyrics, and the video
just didn't mashup well together.
The lyrics are about this lying guy and wishy washy girlfriend
who choses to go out whenever she wants
and refuses to pick up the phone and accuses her boyfriend of lying.
But the music's all like "AHAHAHAHA Bubbles are Popping! So fluffy!"
And then contrasting all of that, the video should probably be rated R.
For RAUNCHY! ANG!
I don't know. It's kind of like a death metal ballad to kittens
with a video about a glass of milk.
Oh, wait. Make that a sexy glass of milk.
I LOVE CUTE AND FLUFFY KITTENS LIKE BILASA
CONQUEROR OF KITTIES
AND DEVOURER OF TEENAGED HEARTS AND GALAXIES!
Pop!
MBLAQ released "Mona Lisa" which is their first single
of their 2011 Mini-Album.
So MBLAQ bust out the accordion and acoustic guitar in this one,
but I don't really like it.
Martina loves it though! But her taste is a little bit suspect,
because she likes stuff like Twilight,
which is an automatic credibility ruiner.
Hay! Edward is Sparkly! You wish you were sparkly!
Oh yes! Ohhhh look at my sparkly nipples!
This is similar to our complaint about Hyuna's "Bubble Pop":
Accordions and Spanish guitars don't really seem like appropriate music
for a bunch of angsty looking Kpop guise who suck at filling your gas.
Hay! Hay! Focus! how about you try filling your car with gas
Instead of serenading the pump?
Guess who's not winning employee of the month again
for the second month in a row? That's right Thunder. It's you.
Try saying "Hi!" "How are you?" "What can I help you with?"
It's kind of like, Customer Service 101 here, right?
Wait...wait a second. Was that gas attendant wearing a skirt?
Girl's day released their follow up single to "Twinkle Twinkle"
with their new one, "Hug Me Once"
"Hug Me Once" is a synth heavy super asian super peppy pop style song.
In the video, a guy gets a ticket to have every guy's fantasy come true
with a Girl's Day Beach Party.....
...yet they never end up on a beach.
They're on a boat, a rocky shore, a museum,
and, ironically, an indoor swimming pool in which they swim with their clothes on.
Which...is not how you're supposed to swim,
you're supposed to take your clothes off
and put on the rubber duckie, and then you go swimming.
Yeah, I don't know about you, but when I hear the phrase "Beach Party"
I think to myself "Hm! Volleyballs! Barbecues! Picnics!"
Swimming in the ocean, in a bathing suit,
but anyways, he bounces from girl to girl
in extremely un-beachpartylike situations
undoubtedly breaking the hearts of each of them and putting a strain on their relationships.
Poor girls! All getting played by this faceless guy!
No, seriously. I can never see his face.
He's like this creepy faceless guy!
But anyways, don't worry! They're gonna get their justice,
they break into his hotel room and lie behind his couch
and when he's sleeping, they jump out from behind
PEEKABOO
Justice has been served...kind of.
HAHAHA! Isn't it funny to scare the poop out of sleeping people?
P.S. If you ever did that to me...I would kill you.
[music]
We're officially awarding Girl's Day with the English fail of the month
with their line "Everyday I think about you
Every night I wanna with you"
Every night I wannna...what with...You know what
I don't wanna know. I'm not gonna ask.
But in contrast with the English fail,
Girl's Day win the most poetic Korean line of the month
with something that roughly translates to.
You're like a sweet whipped cream gently slipping into me
Kiss me your love for me.
What should I do with something so sweet...so sour?
No I uh I uh I uh I don't know.
If you guise can clearly translate that line for us,
please let us know, because we're very confused.
I hope you enjoyed your nutritionally balanced bowl of K Crunch.
Now go brush your teeth and hit the showers.
See you next month in August.
[musics]