Hey, can I borrow your laptop for this presentation?
I need to project my PowerPoint.
Yeah, sure. Thank you.
WOMAN MOANS: Uhh, yeah! Yeah!
No. No...
Yeah! Yeah...
Fu-u-uck!
URGENT MUSIC
Hey there, Speedy Gonza...
Just the man I was looking...for!
Damn it!
My laptop!
MOANING
SILENTLY:
MOANING AND SLAPPING
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
No. No, no, no.
I can explain...
MOANING CONTINUES
Oh, mate, are you OK?
Not really.
I can't get the formatting right on this spreadsheet.
No, you look really unwell.
I mean, I have got a bit of a tickly throat. Right.
Because it looks like you might have the plague.
The plague?
Mike, it's winter. Everyone's a bit sniffly.
Yeah, but... your hands are going black.
I'll take a half day tomorrow, let it settle down a bit.
Maybe take a full day.
I'm not made of holiday allowance!
HE CHUCKLES AND COUGHS
I spent all weekend with Andy and he's absolutely fine.
All right, lads? How's it...
HE COUGHS
Oh, tell you what, has anyone got a Strepsil?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
For years, women have fought hard
to ensure that our generation had an equal place in the workforce.
And to all those women, we just want to say...
Thank you. But also...
ALL: BLEEP you.
I am so tired.
Being a working woman sucks balls.
I work for a women's rights NGO
and every day I get letters from little girls
saying, "Help me, I need an education."
And I'm like... "No, you don't."
I had an education. And you know what I need now?
A nap.
In my mother's day they used to say
that a woman's place was in the kitchen, and to that I say,
why did that change?
I work a 50-hour week in an architecture firm designing kitchens
and ironically I can't find one night to cook a meal in my own.
If I have to eat one more Tesco ready meal, I will lose it!
My mother raised me to be an independent woman.
I don't want to do that.
I want to marry a rich banker and go to brunch.
I've tried to find him on Tinder, Happn, Hot Hunk, Soul Search.
I made those last two up.
No, literally. I made them.
I work for a tech start-up.
And now...
Now I'm a high earner, at the end of every date, I'm expected to s...
..to spl...
She's trying to say, "split the bill".
CARD BEEPS
I bought a slow cooker four years ago
and I have never had the chance to use it.
There was a time when women could just go to the bank
and take money out.
We didn't have to work for it. We could just have it.
All for the small fee of sex with our husbands once a month.
So this International Women's Day, take a step in the right direction.
ALL: Backwards.
No, there's steps there. Not a good idea.
Brought to you by The Women Against Tiredness Society.
Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke...
You see what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, I could do something about...that,
but you're forgetting, Dave has over 13,000 followers on Twitter.
Sorry, what? He's verified, Kate.
So he's been late to work every day since he started,
but he's...he's turned it into a witty narrative.
He destroyed the company printer. That's £2,000.
More like 2,000 shares.
HE LAUGHS
PHONE PINGS
Oh, God! Dave has just deleted the client database.
We've lost millions of pounds.
It gets better! He's included a gif that says, "Oh deer"
and there's a picture of a deer.
God, what a talent!
I wish I had ten Daves.
Christ! With the money he's lost,
we're going to have to let go of staff.
You're right. That is going to be tough.
Mind you, you're not actually on any social media, are you, Kate?
THEY LAUGH
Ooh, boo-boo-boo! Boo-hoo-hoo!
I can't do it! I can't...
This guy. This... Too funny.
So, I'd say the numbers are looking pretty promising.
Well done, Nick.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
I mean, Darren.
HE SNORTS
He's not his dad at all! It's Darren!
APOCALYPTIC MUSIC
DISTORTED VOICE: You idiot!
I hate you!
Hi. Hey. Nice to meet you. I'm Sophie.
Hey, how's it going? I'm Sophie.
I mean, Nick, my name's Nick.
Your name's not Sophie! Daft prick!
DISTORTED VOICE: That's her name!
Hi. Hi. 65 pence, please.
CASH REGISTER RINGS
35 pence change. Thank you.
Thanks, love you.
Love her? You're only buying Wine Gums!
DISTORTED VOICE: What is going on in your head, mate? Learn to speak!
SOFT PIANO MUSIC
And to drink?
Uh, yeah, a glass of the...
Uh... Ooh...
St Julien Chateau Barnier du Croux.
Good choice. Thanks.
Enjoy your meal. Thanks, man. You too.
APOCALYPTIC MUSIC
Well, we all started wearing strap-ons after Brenda did, really.
LIFT PINGS
Before I feel like the guys didn't really feel
we were part of the same team.
I think the only reason that men were getting the recognition
was because they had penises.
And now we've all got penises.
Since it came in,
everything's better.
Productivity's through the roof.
It's all thanks to strap-ons.
I'm not looking back now.
There's no turning back
and I won't be using anything but a strap-on to work from now on.
I think the management were initially quite resistant
to the idea but when they saw how well we were working
and how good it made us feel,
you can't really argue with results, can you?
GUILLOTINE CHOPS
Oh, for fuck's sake!
I think it was a very divided workplace
and I feel like now we can all swing together, as it were.
It's nice to be on a level pegging with the boys.
Look, it's no big deal
but you might want to wear something a little less revealing next time.
You don't want anyone to get the wrong idea.
So is that everything, yeah? Cheers.
HE FARTS
Did you just fart? Yeah.
HE FARTS AGAIN
Whoof! That is punchy.
Jesus! What's that smell?
Probably this.
HE FARTS
Seriously, do that again and I'll e-mail HR. Yeah?
Well, why don't you attach this?
HE FARTS
HE COUGHS
This is a place of work. Will you stop with the...
HE FARTS
HARD ROCK MUSIC
Is someone burning tyres?
RAPID-FIRE FARTING
EVERYONE YELLS
LONG SUSTAINED FART
SCREAMING
SCATTERED FARTING
LOW DEEP FART
Michael, what are you doing? I'm dealing with clients. Oh, yeah?
Well, why don't you deal with this?
HE FARTS
CHOKING AND GASPING
Please, sir, my baby.
HE FARTS
WHISTLING FART
MAN YELLS
Freeze! Police!
HE FARTS TWICE
Oh, my God. You're amazing at farting. Will you have sex with me?
Yeah, I guess so.
Hop on.
SHE FARTS
Nah, not for me.
It's a bit weird when you do it.
See you later.
SAD FART