WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
IT'S JUST TWO DAYS BEFORE THANKSGIVING, AND I KNOW A LOT
OF YOU ARE STRESSED ABOUT MAKING THE MEAL.
THAT'S WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO GET ACCURATE INFORMATION ON
TURKEY PREPARATION.
YOU COULD TRY YOUTUBE.
LOTS OF HOW-TO VIDEOS THERE ABOUT HOW TO GIVE YOUR TURKEY A
SMOKY EYE.
BUT THE GOLD STANDARD IS THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE.
IT'S A TOLL FREE NUMBER YOU CAN CALL TO SPEAK TO EXPERTS WHO
REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.
OR, THIS YEAR, TO ME BECAUSE, LAST WEEKEND, I FLEW TO THE
HEARTLAND OF AMERICA TO HELP BUTTERBALL OUT.
>> Announcer: THE "LATE SHOW" PRESENTS STEPHEN COLBERT'S
THANKSGIVING TURKEY TITCHES.
>> Stephen: I HEADED TO THE BUTTERBALL CALL CENTER IN
NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS WHERE I MET CAROL MILLER A 33 YEAR
BUTTERBALL VETERAN.
>> HI.
>> Stephen: CAROL, WHAT MAKES A GOOD BUTTERBALL HOT LINER?
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR.
>> A GOOD BATTLEGROUND.
YOU HAVE TO BE A GOOD LISTENER BECAUSE THEY'RE TELLING YOU
WHAT'S HAPPENING IN YOUR HOUSE.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T CATCH THAT?
>> THEY'RE TELLING YOU WHAT'S HAPPENING IN YOUR HOUSE.
YOU HAVE TO BE A GOOD DETECTIVE.
>> Stephen: THEY MIGHT HAVE MURDERED SOMEONE?
>> NO, YOU HAVE TO FIND CLUES.
>> Stephen: IF THEY DID MURDER SOMEONE?
>> NO, YOU NEED MORE CLUES TO ANSWER THEIR QUESTION.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE CRAZIEST QUESTION.
>> SOMETIMES THEY CALL AND WANT TO RENT A TURKEY SUIT.
>> Stephen: WHY.
I DON'T ASK NU ROLE PLAYING, MAYBE?
YOU BE THE PILGRIM, I'LL BE THE TURKEY, GO GET THE BASTER?
DO YOU KNOW THE SECRET HANDSHAKE?
>> I DON'T.
>> Stephen: COME AT ME LIKE THIS AND OUR THUMBS HOOK FROM
BEHIND AND YOU GO -- ( GOBBLING )
>> GOT IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE PHONE MANNER LIKE?
HI, THIS IS STEVE.
CAN I TAKE -- >> YES, YES.
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT, WE CANAL TO THE BUTTERBALL HOTLINE.
>> NO, FIRST ONE.
THANK YOU.
WHEN YOU'RE DONE TALK AND YOU'VE MADE THEM HAPPY AND GOODBYE YOU
MAY WANT TO SAY HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> Stephen: SHOULD I GIVE THEM HAPPY AT THE BEGIN ORG THE END
OF THE PHONE CALL?
>> ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
KEEP IT HAPPY, INFORMATIVE.
WHEN YOU'RE DONE, SEE THE BLACK BUTTON?
THAT'S GOING TO GET RELEASED AND YOU WILL GET ANOTHER CALL.
>> Stephen: THE RELEASE IS RIGHT THERE.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AFTER THE HAPPY ENDING, I HIT THE BLACK BUTTON
FOR THE CALL RELEASE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) GREAT, THANK YOU, CAROL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> THANKS.
GOOD LUCK.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
BUTTERBALL HOTLINE, LET'S BUTTER YOUR BALLS.
>> I LIKE IT WELL DONE, HOW WOULD YOU SUGGEST I COOK IT?
>> Stephen: A LONG TIME.
COOK IT A LONG TIME.
HI, THIS IS CAROL, WE CANAL TO THE TURKEY TALK LINE.
>> HI.
CAROL, COOKING MY BUTTERBALL TURKEY BREAST WITH WINGS, AND I
PUT IT IN AT 325.
>> Stephen: OH, BOY -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> BUT AFTER TWO HOURS, I PUT ALUMINUM FOIL ON IT?
>> Stephen: OVER ALL OF IT OR JUST THE THIGHS?
>> THERE WERE NO THIGHS.
>> Stephen: THERE WERE NO THIGHS.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BIRD.
WHY WERE THERE NO THIGHS?
>> THE WAY IT WAS SOLD IS THE BREAST AND WINGS.
>> Stephen: YOU GOT RIPPED OFF, BIRDS USUALLY COME WITH
THIGHS.
I APOLOGIZE.
CAN I GET A NUMBER?
WE'LL SEND YOU OUT A FRESH TURKEY WITH THIGHS.
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
>> HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
>> Stephen: GIVE ME AN ADDRESS, I'LL SEND YOU ANOTHER
TURKEY.
MOST OF THEM ARE GROWN WITH THEM.
>> REALLY?
IT'S IN THE OVEN AND AN HOUR LESS THAN THE REQUIRED COOK
TIME.
>> Stephen: THAT HAPPENS A LOT.
>> AND THE MEAT THERMOMETER IS SAYING IT'S AT 188.
>> Stephen: GET OUT OF THERE, IT'S GOING TO BLOW.
IS -- 188, NO WAY YOU WANT A TURKEY THAT HOT.
>> THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
BECAUSE I FOLLOWED THE TIME ON THE INSTRUCTIONS.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME MY NAME?
>> Stephen: I'M TRYING TO CALM YOU DOWN.
SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE IN A PANIC.
>> BECAUSE WHEN I ANSWERED THE PHONE YOU'RE DESCRIBED AS THE
TURKEY EXPERT.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S MOSTLY MARKETING.
I APOLOGIZE.
BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK LINE, THIS IS STEVE, HOW CAN I HELP
YOU?
>> OH, I HOPE YOU CAN.
THIS IS REMLLY A QUESTION ABOUT STUFFING.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
DO YOU CALL IT STUFFING OR DRESSING?
>> I CALL IT STUFFING.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
WRONG ANSWER.
BYE-BYE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> HELLO.
>> Stephen: HELLO.
LA-LINIA -- ( SPEAKING FRENCH )
>> I SPEAK ENGLISH.
>> Stephen: DELTA THREE-FIVE-NINER, THIS IS
CHICAGO O'HARE TOWER.
NEED YOU TO GO TO 2700 FEET, LEVEL OFF ON APPROACH.
PLEASE STAY IN A HOLDING PATTERN.
WE WILL ADVICE.
>> HELLO.
>> Stephen: HELLO, IS THIS DELTA THREE FIVE NINER?
>> NO, I'M CALLING THE BUTTERBALL -- TURKEY -- HOT
LINE.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU'VE REACHED O'HARE TOWER.
CAN YOU PLEASE PUT THE PILOT ON.
>> WHAT?
>> Stephen: CAN YOU PLEASE PUT THE PILOT ON THE PLANE ON?
YOU'RE ON FINAL APPROACH TO RUNWAY --
>> NO, I'M NOT -- NO!
>> Stephen: MA'AM, IT IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE TO INTERRUPT
WITH AVIONICS OR AVIATION.
PLEASE PUT THE PILOT ON RIGHT NOW.
YOU ARE DELTA THREE FIVE NINER ON APPROACH TO O'HARE.
I HAVE PLANES STACKED UP ON O'HARE LIKE CORD WOOD RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
I'M CALLING THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY HOTLINE.
>> Stephen: CAN I HAVE YOUR NAME, PLEASE?
>> NO.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T HAVE YOUR NAME.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO HAND THIS OVER TO HOMELAND SECURITY IF YOU
DON'T GIVE ME YOUR NAME.
>> WELL, YOU CAN DO THAT.
>> Stephen: DELTA THREE FIVE NINER, YOU ARE CLEARED TO LAND.
>> I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE.
ALL RIGHT?
>> Stephen: WELL, I'M GOING TO CALL THE ARMY.
IF YOU WANT TO GET INTO IT.
>> I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S CALLING O'HARE TOWER TO
ASK ABOUT COOKING A TURKEY AND YOU'RE CALLING THE POLICE?
BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK LINE, GOBBLE GOBBLE.
>> HI, I'VE GOT A QUESTION.
I BOUGHT A TURKEY YESTERDAY AT A TARGET SUPERSTORE.
IT WAS, LIKE, IN THE REFRIGERATOR KIND OF OPEN COOLER
IN THE PRODUCE DEPARTMENT.
>> Stephen: OH, LIKE THOSE THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE COFFINS?
>> YEAH, YEAH, BUT THEY'RE CLOSED.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
THEY'RE OPEN.
EXACTLY.
AN OPEN CASKET.
>> YEAH, OKAY.
SO, ANYWAY, SO IT WASN'T FROZEN.
SO MY QUESTION IS, AND IT SAYS SELL UP TO LIKE NOVEMBER 28th.
NOW, IS IT OKAY TO JUST -- I BROUGHT IT HOPE AND JUST PUT IT
IN MY REFRIGERATOR.
CAN I KEEP IT IN THE REFRIGERATOR A WEEK OR CAN I
FREEZE IT FIRST OR WAS IT STILL FROZEN FIRST.
>> Stephen: IT MIGHT BE STILL FROZEN AND YOU DON'T KNOW IT.
THE INSIDE COULD BE STILL FROZEN.
>> BECAUSE IT'S HEAVY, LIKE 20 POUNDS.
>> Stephen: WHEN IT THAWS, IT WILL BE JUST AS HEAVY.
DOESN'T GET LIGHTER.
DON'T PUT IT OUTSIDE.
THAT'S THE ONE THING.
A LOT OF PEOPLE PUT THEIR TURK EYES OUTSIDE TO THAW.
>> I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT THE TURKEYS.
>> Stephen: DON'T BE NERVOUS.
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE, YOU'RE TALKING TO A TURKEY EXPERT NOW.
>> IT'S SQUISHY IF I SQUEEZE IT BUT IT FEELS HEAVY ON THE
INSIDE.
IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN MOVE THE LEG.
>> Stephen: IT'S STILL IN THE PACKAGING, RIGHT?
DO YOU HAVE A WOODEN SPOON?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU HIT IT WITH THE SPOON, DOES IT SOUND
LIKE A ROCK OR DOES IT SOUND LIKE YOU'RE SPANK AGING A LOVER.
>> LIKE YOU'RE SPANKING.
>> Stephen: PUT THE PHONE UP, TOO.
>> I'M HITTING IT WITH MY HAND.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE MORE TIME.
I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
( SPANK ) YEAH, THAT'S THAWED.
IT WILL BE FINE.
>> SAYS SELL BY 11/28 WHICH IS AFTER THANKSGIVING.
>> Stephen: AFTER THANKSGIVING, SELL BY 11/28.
DOES IT SAY WHAT YEAR?
>> 2016.
>> Stephen: JUST MAKING SURE.
YES.
>> Stephen: SO, YEAH, YOU CAN DEFINITELY SELL IT.
>> SELL IT?
>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU CAN DEFINITELY SELL IT, IF IT SAYS
YOU CAN SELL IT BY 11/28, YOU CAN LEGALLY SELL IT.
>> NO, IF IT WAS IN THE REFRIGERATOR PART OF THE PRODUCE
DEPARTMENT AND THEY'RE SITTING OUT THERE, SO OBVIOUSLY THEY'RE
JUST SITTING OUT THERE AS WELL AS SITTING IN MY FRIDGE, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: EXACTLY THE SAME THING WHICH IS WHY THEY SOLD IT
AND YOU CAN SELL IT NOW, TOO.
OKAY?
>> YOU'RE CONFUSING ME NOW.
>> Stephen: YOU WILL BE FINE AS LONG AS YOU DON'T TAKE ANY OF
MY ADVICE AND HAVE A FANTASTIC TIME.
>> OKAY.
YOU HAVE A GOOD THANKSGIVING.
>> Stephen: YOU, TOO.
( IMPOSSIB IMPOSSIB GOBBLE GOBBL >> Stephen: HAPPY
THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY!