Good evening, Mr and Mrs Jones.
Lovely to see you here.
Hi.
Lily. How are you?
Well thanks.
So. Lilly.
She's one of my top students.
As and Bs in everything.
Oh, fantastic!
There are, however,
a few social issues.
Like what?
Lily has become somewhat known as what we like to call a
a "social savage".
She's gained quite the reputation for her infamous catchphrase,
"your feelings aren't relevant".
Well, maybe their feelings aren't relevant.
Shh!
Oh.
I see there's little hope here.
Your daughter has a tremendous ability to bring people together
to make them work well as a team.
Well, that's a positive spin on it.
We like to call it
"covert manipulation".
Ahahahahaha
stop.
Well, if you're interested,
I'd love to show you a project that they all worked on together
that Katie managed.
It's an advertisement for their favorite app.
Which is now your favorite app, isn't it, Miss?
I have been known to dabble.
Ur My Type is an app that uses personality types to help you
make friends or find love
and meet other 16 personality types enthusiasts.
The app also contains a community section with a memes feed
and a topics feed
where you can fall down random-subject rabbit-holes
with other curious and like-minded souls.
You can share memes, photos, quotes,
make jokes about all the personality types
or talk about your plans for world domination.
The app also has an icebreaker chat roulette for those who are not
naturally comfortable in starting conversations!
Can't relate.
And a humor quiz
based on memes.
So you can see how similar your sense of humor is.
You can share all of your hobbies and interests in an engaging way on your profile
in order to build real, deep connections.
So if you're like me and you're interested in finding people who actually get you,
click on the link in the description and download Ur My Type today.
...and that's the most collaboration that we've seen from the kids all year!
All thanks to your daughter.
Wow. How did you get the INTJ to participate?
Easy.
I told her that I knew she wouldn't.
See?
Manipulation.
Look, there's no denying that your daughter is very smart.
I do, however, need to encourage her to actually read the prescribed texts.
You don't read the prescribed texts?!
Why would I?
Literally everything that I need to pass my exams can be found online.
Yes, but it's...
it's about engagement with the texts.
Miss, with all due...
I already have six subjects as it is and no free time.
Why would I spend my time reading an entire novel
to get acquainted with all of these irrelevant details
when I know that the exam question is going to be something vague about the
themes of the text that I could write in my sleep?
Because you need to do well in school.
Am I not doing well?
She's topping the class.
So why would I read the texts?
Every time.
Every time we ask her to do something.
I've been wanting to ask you:
why is it that Wendy so often shows up to school without her homework,
books, lunch...
shoes?
Oh!
I was going to ask you why she comes home without them.
I fed and housed a lot of animals this term.
Just wait 'til you see my art project.
Does that have anything to do with why my hair dryer has gone missing?
We filmed a music video and we needed a wind machine.
Your son is what we in the profession like to call a
"public nuisance".
What a coincidence.
That's the term we use for him at home too.
The problem is, however...
he keeps passing his exams with flying colours
without even completing any of the class work.
So I can't do anything about it.
Darn right you can't.
Do you feel like maybe
putting your hair up, Jimmy?
It's part of school uniform protocol.
As I've told you
700 times.
Nah.
I don't feel like it.
You literally have a hair tie on your wrist.
Where did you get those scissors?
I just thought them into existence.
Why did I become a teacher?
Now I just wanted to have a quick word about Christina's performance in Show-and-Tell.
You know I put the "show" in "Show-and-Tell", Miss.
Well, look, I mean,
there's no denying that you are certainly capable of putting on a show.
But one area that we might need to work on
is a sense of appropriate time and place.
Oh please.
Everyone loves an impromptu musical.
But Show-and-Tell only goes for 15 minutes, Christina.
Hamilton goes for three hours.
Well, you and the teaching staff can do all you want to try and squash my dreams, Miss,
but guess what?
I'm still gonna get a scholarship to King's College.
I probably shouldn't brag, but dang I amaze and astonish.
The problem is I've got a lot of brains but no polish.
I've gotta holla just to be heard
with every word I drop knowledge.
She's a diamond in the rough.
A shining piece of coal
tryna reach her goal
her power of speech:
unimpeachable.
Only 19 but her mind is older.
- She's 16. - These New York City streets
get colder.
We live in Australia.
every burden every disadvantage I've learned to manage.
I don't have a
She's doing it again!
I walk these streets famished.
The plan is
to fan this spark into a flame
Should I just come back?
but dang it's getting dark...
Now, there's obviously the issue that we're all here to discuss.
Your son, Brendan, was caught hacking into the school's network.
Now I am not paid enough
to care about students hacking into the school network
and trying to sneak a peek at exam papers.
I'm not even paid enough to prepare for parent-teacher conferences.
Heck, this computer screen is blank.
Here.
What's this?
Your network is riddled with security vulnerabilities.
I wrote a list so you can fix them.
This is what you were doing on the network?
You mean
you weren't looking up exam papers
or trolling the school's database
for the phone number of the girl you have a crush on?
Please.
He wouldn't notice a girl if she slapped him in the face.
Once, we hatched an elaborate ruse to set Brendan up with the girl next door.
Invited her around for tea, made sure Brendan would be home...
I even made Brendan's favorite cake.
She rang the doorbell,
Brendan answered,
she said, "nice to see you, Brendan."
And then Brendan just left and went for a bushwalk.
Didn't even invite her.
No one communicated any of this to me.
Well, this is certainly an extensive list.
Thank you, Brendan.
I'll pass it on to the IT department.
Your IT department is trash.
Brendan!
No.
Our IT department is trash.
Fair play, Brendan.
It'd be great to see Geraldine interact more with her classmates.
I thought you said you've been having great conversations at school!
That was with the librarian.
Well, why can't you have conversations with your classmates?
I totally would!
But none of them seem to care about the sensation of liminal space
or the nature of memory.
And then there's the issue if the bathroom breaks.
I thought you'd learn to control your bladder!
Oh no no. Not for her.
For Charlie.
Her pot plant.
Oh! Is Charlie healthy again?
Yeah!
Tell him I said hi!
Tell him yourself!
So.
I have this parental permission and liability waiver for you to sign.
Duct tape?
Well!
We've tried to keep little Jimmy here still by putting a seatbelt on his desk, but
the mechanism is too simple and
he remembers it's there and unbuckles it immediately so
at best it's an early warning system.
You think I can't get out of tape?
I was told that shackles and chains were a legal liability.
Albeit, turning you into a duct tape mummy is a gray area.
Game on.
Sign it.
Helen is literally the best student that I've ever had the pleasure of teaching.
She always shows up on time for class,
she always does her homework,
never speaks out of turn,
always raises her hand,
she never throws things at Kevin when he makes the whole class stay in at lunchtime,
and let me be honest,
I kind of want to throw things at Kevin sometimes.
Probably shouldn't say that out loud.
She tidies her desk without prompting,
and her handwriting!
Oh!
Her handwriting
is such a thing of beauty I just...
I'm so sorry.
It's just getting to the end of term and I just...
I don't want to lose her.
Oh, that's so lovely!
Helen,
say something, darling.
I...
I'm sorry.
Would you like a tissue?
Yes, I wouldn't mind a tissue.
I've got something in my eye, you see.
Gerald!
Keep it together!
I'm a man with feelings, Gerty!
Cry it out, dad.
Yeah, cry it out.
Well.
This escalated in a
slightly chaotic but
unexpectedly wholesome way.
It's not that I don't like you,
Jill Jr.
It's more that
you keep undermining me in class
by correcting my spelling and grammar.
Well, if there was nothing to correct, I'd have nothing to say.
See?
I know she's not trying to be disrespectful
but this is kindergarten!
The other children don't understand the social nuances at play here.
Well forgive her for expecting you to understand the nuances of the language you supposedly speak.
Jill Jr. was showing me your Twitter page this morning
and let me tell you...
the amount of grammatical errors that I found.
Just because the software allows you to post something,
doesn't mean it's right.
Father, please.
Your text messages are far from perfect.
Ouch.
Hurts, doesn't it?
So my parents have been really struggling to
provide me with the support that I need in my studies.
But...
they've also been struggling to support each other
in their marriage.
No, Kaylee.
This is not couples therapy.
Ah.
She pulls that one on you too, does she?
The other day we were reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and the next thing I knew,
I was suddenly discussing my deep-seeded abandonment wounds
that stemmed back to my childhood.
How are those going?
Yeah, look.
It's been a rough week.
I was wondering if you could reassure Helena that I don't think she's stupid
or incompetent
or hate her just because I pointed out that she spelt
""scintillating" wrong in her sonnet last week?
Well, I certainly can, but
why don't you tell her?
Last time I approached her in her post-critiqued healing period,
she disappeared for seven days.
We all thought that perhaps she'd left school
but it turns out she was just at a spelling retreat.
Ironically, that meant that she fell behind on grammar,
so when she came back,
I had to correct her grammar.
Thus restarting the whole cycle.
I figured it might just be easier for her to hear it from you.
Okay.
Why don't you come out from under the table, darling?
Now, you don't have to tell me that Hildegard here is an excellent student
in terms of her marks...
No, indeed.
I can read that on her report card.
There's a "but" in your voice, though?
Well...
there are some concerns about her...
attitude.
You see,
we suspect that she might have been responsible for writing,
illustrating, printing and distributing
this anonymous satirical magazine that uh
appeared in random spots around the school.
Now, just quietly, the staff think that it's hilarious.
The principal nearly died laughing at the parody of the school song.
But the thing is
it just wasn't terribly appropriate for school.
Institutions need to be respected, you know?
And it was in the middle of exam week when she did it.
But how do you know it was Hildegard?
Well, let's see.
I'll just pull it up here.
Ah yes.
"Meanwhile, in mathematics, there was
no mention that Bertrand Russell had proved conclusively that 1+1=2
until Godel came along and-"
Gödel.
That's an umlaut.
It's pronounced "Gödel".
Oh.
Ainsley is a great student.
She's bubbly,
she's enthusiastic to participate in all class activities,
she's a chatty member of the class...
The problem is that she does tend to get quite easily distracted
you know, by other members of the class, by
a bird that flies past the window, by
literally anything.
I've also noticed that she does tend to struggle to differentiate the difference
between fiction and reality
and I'm just concerned that that might hold her back a bit.
Oh, she's like this at home, too.
Always in a world of her own.
Have never been able to shut her up.
If you can, I'll literally pay you!
Hahahahaha
Oh look, she's daydreaming right now.
She's a dreamer.
Sometimes when she does this,
I like to just
take the whole class out
just so that when she wakes up she thinks we've abandoned her.
Any questions?
Yes!
She has top marks in english literature, chemistry and business studies.
Well done.
You should be very proud.
Have a nice day.
Is something the matter?
I'm just trying not to look at her in the eyes.
Last time I did,
I think she legitimately stole my soul.
Actually, I didn't need to.
You sold it yourself when you decided to become a peon of the education system.
Yep.
This is why I've got my therapist on speed dial now.
You think that's hard?
Try having 16 kids, all around the same age,
with completely different personalities.
Oh my goodness.
Finally you brought that up!
I have to ask:
how the heck do you do it?
I, too, have my therapist on speed dial.
Also, this world isn't real.
We're in a script.
What does she mean?
There's no point in me trying to explain it.
I'll just get cut off agai-