-There's a moral imperative around talking about racism.
People are dying because white people
aren't having conversations about racism.
-As Americans think more critically about
what it means to be anti-racist,
a lot of people are realizing that journey starts at home
by having conversations with your family.
And some have started doing that.
But it's not exactly an easy conversation to have.
-How can I approach my parents
when it comes to things about racism
without feeling like I am annoying them
or in a way that gets them excited
and wanting to learn more about it
rather than just getting the "Oh, not again."
-Today's episode is about
how to confront racist family members.
I'm Nicole Ellis, and this is "The New Normal."
Before you can have a productive conversation
about how someone else is racist,
you've got to come to terms with the fact
that you might be racist, too,
or, at the very least, that you benefit from racism.
-The problem of racism is the problem of white people.
It's created by white people.
It's perpetuated by white people.
It benefits white people.
We don't even know what being white is
or how we came to be white.
We understand so little because we aren't meant to understand.
That's how the system perpetuates itself
because it exists in silence, it's wrapped in silence.
And we learn not to question it.
-In the US, we're all taught that white men
are the protagonists of American history.
Being an anti-racist means questioning that narrative
and thinking more critically about
how that informs the cultural and systemic biases
that you benefit from as a white person.
-The more you can approach a conversation like this
from your own stance as a learner,
that's going to be helpful because, get it straight,
you are still learning if you're white.
-It's also really important to be honest with yourself
about your own motivations for having these conversations.
-What are you trying to get out of this conversation?
Is it that you enjoy having a thing or two
to tell your parents?
Those are all very human temptations
that we've all indulged in from time to time.
Clear that up with yourself.
Then you can start to be more strategic with regard to tips
for talking about racism and tips
for having conversations with people about almost anything.
-Why is it white people's duty to stay committed
to having these conversations
and not decide that it's just too hard to talk about?
-I see some white people on Facebook saying,
"I've unfriended all of my racist relatives."
And I think, "Oh, my gosh,
what opportunity you have with your white privilege
to actually be able to reach out to family members
and to have these conversations with white people."
And that's a privilege that people of color
don't have in that same way.
-Part of leveraging your privilege as an anti-racist
is talking to white people who disagree with you.
-It is not up to black people to educate everybody.
It should not be.
And so this is a place where white people
can really take on those efforts on themselves.
-Tania Israel is the author of "Beyond Your Bubble,"
where she coaches people on how to have conversations
about polarizing issues.
-The first important thing is listening.
And what we call "listening to understand,"
rather than "listening to respond."
And so really being curious and trying to know
where somebody is coming from.
Because if you want to maintain that family connection,
that's going to be important.
-How do you have these kinds of conversations
with family members, particularly when you know
that they're going to disagree with you?
-Nobody likes to be lectured, including you yourself
who's getting ready to facilitate the conversation.
So the more you can ask open-ended questions
that invite conversation,
rather than coming in to sort of pontificate and speechify
and tell them a thing or two.
-We can get evangelical about things that we've just embraced
and we're really excited about and energized
by and upset about and angry about.
So I think it's really helpful to express that somewhere,
but not necessarily to express that with the people
who we're hoping we can move to shift their views.
-What is the benefit of being vulnerable
in this kind of conversation with somebody who's racist?
-We all have grown up in a racist society.
There are a lot of people who two months ago
were kind of in the same place their parents are.
So I think it's helpful to talk about that process,
to talk about their own journey
of how they've come to see things
and how their views may have shifted
and how questions have come up for them,
rather than just using the statistics or the slogans.
-Your kids -- they'll inherit this world just like it
is if we aren't honest with each other
about what's happening and what it's done to us
and what we need to do to get each other past it.
-In the next episode, we'll talk about why
it's important for non-black people of color
to start having these conversations, too.
So stay tuned.
For more stories like this one, find us on thelily.
com or washingtonpost.
com.