♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
THANKS TO THE READILY-AVAILABLE COVID VACCINE, AMERICANS ARE
BACK TO ENJOYING OUR FAVORITE SUMMER SOCIAL ACTIVITIES: FAMILY
REUNIONS, POOL PARTIES, SHOVING YOUR FAMILY IN THE POOL.
AND I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE LATEST VAX FACTS IN MY LONG-RUNNING
SEGMENT, "THE VAX-SCENE."
( SUNG TO THE PROCLAIMERS' "500
♪ WHEN WE POKE YA, WELL WE KNOW YOU'RE GONNA BE,
♪ YOU'REGONNA BE SAFE FROM COVID INFECTING YOU
♪ WHEN YOU GO OUT, YEAH, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA HUG
♪ YOU'RE GONNA HUG, AND NOT WORRY IT MIGHT KILL
YOU ♪ AND WE WILL SHOOT 500 VIALS
AND WE WILL STICK 500 MORE ♪ JUST TO BE THE VAX WHO SHOOTS
500 VIALS ♪ WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
GET PFIZER!
♪ MODERNA!
JOHNSON & JOHNSON!
♪ STOP CORONAAAA!
>> Stephen: NOW, WE'RE DAMN CLOSE TO PRESIDENT BIDEN'S
GOAL OF 70% OF AMERICAN ADULTS GETTING VACINATED BY JULY 4.
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, THE NUMBER OF DOSES BEING ADMINISTERED
DAILY IS ON A STEEP DECLINE.
COME ON, PEOPLE!
JUST GET THE SHOT!
IF I HAD TIME TO SPEAK DIRECTLY TO EACH OF YOU ON NATIONAL
TELEVISION, I WOULD!
OH, WHICH REMINDS ME, I'M SUPPOSED TO PASS ALONG A
MESSAGE: "UNCLE JEFF, PLEASE GET THE
VACCINE.
OTHERWISE, YOU CAN'T COME TO MY HEAD WRITER'S WEDDING!
THERE'S GONNA BE A SHRIMP TOWER!"
ONE PROBLEM: ANTI-VAX THEORIES ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE TO
CRAZYTOWN, LIKE THE THEORY PULLED FROM THE ASS OF SOMEONE
TESTIFYING BEFORE AN OHIO HEALTH COMMITTEE HEARING NAMED
DR. SHERRI TENPENNY.
ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOUR DOCTOR SOUNDS LIKE A DICKENS
CHARACTER.
( AS OLIVER TWIST )
GOT A SPOT OF DROPSY.
DON'T TAKE ME LEGS."
( LAUGHTER )
WOULD BAN PRIVATE ENTITIES FROM REQUIRING VACCINATIONS-- SEE YOU
MONDAY-- THE OHIO G.O.P. INVITED TENPENNY
TO OFFER THIS PENETRATING ANALYSIS:
>> I'M SURE YOU'VE SEEN THE PICTURES ALL OVER THE INTERNET
OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD THESE SHOTS, AND NOW THEY'RE
MAGNETIZED.
THEY CAN PUT A KEY ON THEIR FOREHEAD.
IT STICKS.
THEY CAN PUT SPOONS AND FORKS ALL OVER THEM, AND THEY CAN
STICK, BECAUSE NOW WE THINK THAT THERE'S A METAL PIECE TO THAT.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD!!
SHE'S RIGHT!
IT'S THE DREADED "THANKSGIVING KIDS' TABLE SYNDROME."
AAAH!
MAY I REMIND YOU, THIS PERSON ACTUALLY CALLS HERSELF A DOCTOR.
HER MED SCHOOL?
THE UNIVERSITY OF WOOLY WILLY!
GO, FIGHTIN' FILINGS!
THEN THEY OPENED THE FLOOR TO THE MOST SCIENTIFIC RELIABLE
SOURCE: PEOPLE WITH TIME ON THEIR HANDS TO COMMENT AT PUBLIC
HEARINGS.
AND TENPENNY'S TESTIMONY WAS BACKED UP WITH A DRAMATIC
EXPERIMENT: >> YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT
DR. TENPENNY'S TESTIMONY, ABOUT MAGNETIC VACCINE CRYSTALS.
SO THIS IS WHAT I FOUND OUT.
SO, I HAVE A KEY AND A BOBBY PIN HERE.
EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THE KEY STICKS TO ME.
IT STICKS TO MY NECK TOO.
SO, YEAH, IF SOMEBODY COULD EXPLAIN THIS, THAT WOULD BE
GREAT.
ANY QUESTIONS?
>> Stephen: SO MANY QUESTIONS.
NONE OF THEM ABOUT THAT KEY, THOUGH.
OF COURSE, THAT WASN'T THE BEST EXAMPLE OF MAGNETISM.
BUT THE NEXT SPEAKER, A MAN CALLED ERNEST, HAD AN ABSOLUTELY
STUNNING DEMONSTRATION.
♪ ♪ ♪ OF COURSE, NOW YOU KNOW THE
AUTHORITIES ARE GOING TO TRY TO SILENCE HIM.
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF ERNEST GOES TO JAIL.
( LAUGHTER )
L. JACKSON.
♪♪