Complex post-traumatic stress disorder. And it is the subject of—
What you just saw was footage of me having an emotional flashback; a C-PTSD
episode. I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder and this is something that I've mentioned
in passing in previous videos but it's not something that I've really talked about at length
and it's certainly not something that I've devoted an entire video to, much less allow myself to live
out in full expression on camera (to be broadcast to you). And even though I don't really experience
C-PTSD episodes quite as frequently as they used to in the past (before I started microdosing,
before I started meditating consistently), I still do from time to time. And, incidentally,
I have just experienced one, so I thought it was kind of fitting but also kind of ironic
that I would experience one just before the filming of this video. That episode actually
took place almost five hours ago and I have since stepped aside rested and now I'm back.
Even though I'm not as energetic as I was before, I wanted to just film this video to sort of have
a heart-to-heart with you. We're going to talk about complex post-traumatic stress disorder today
as a condition but also as a framework because I feel like, as a framework, it is more applicable
to a broader audience than one might initially imagine. I think it is tremendously interesting
that ever since I started my YouTube channel, the number one book that I've been recommending
to people has nothing to do with psychedelics or microdosing or meditation... It actually is this
book right here: Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder by Pete Walker (who is a psychotherapist
who has worked with C-PTSD patients for over 30 years). Pete himself has C-PTSD.
This is a seminal work and is a must-read for anyone who has complex post-traumatic stress
disorder. But scratch that. You don't even have to know whether or not you have Complex PTSD.
If you identify as having been a child of trauma in any way, shape, or form,
this book is for you. Many of us can identify with having had some form of childhood wounding
whereby we felt like our needs weren't met. Maybe some of us were abused, maybe some of us
were neglected or abandoned... And the way that it manifests now that we're adults is; particularly
within intimate relationships, we'll find ourselves having certain codependent tendencies,
counter-dependent tendencies, anxious, avoidant tendencies —what have you. Or, like me, being my
old perfectionistic self... when things don't go right, I get triggered and I am immediately taken
back to the child that I used to be who felt like she could not be safe unless everything
in her environment was perfect. Certainly, I feel like (at the very least), we can relate
to the experience of reacting disproportionately to something that doesn't call for such a reaction
and then later on, we're like "Why did we react that way? That was so visceral; so emotional."
C-PTSD is considered to be a more severe form of PTSD. C-PTSD is rooted in complex trauma, so
instead of trauma stemming from a single incident, we're talking about trauma that is often ongoing,
repeated, and from which the survivor feels like there is no escape (so you can see why childhood
trauma is a prominent example of complex trauma). Even though there doesn't seem to be a consensus
among mental health professionals as to how to delineate C-PTSD from PTSD; or whether
or not they should be separate diagnoses at all, according to Pete Walker in his book C-PTSD,
there are five ways you can generally tell C-PTSD apart from PTSD in terms of their
presentation. C-PTSD often includes toxic shame, emotional flashbacks, a vicious inner critic,
social anxiety, and self-abandonment. Generally the experience of these characteristics is what
sets C-PTSD apart from PTSD. I want to talk more specifically about emotional flashbacks, because
it is perhaps the most characteristic feature of C-PTSD and most of us experience emotional
flashbacks without even realizing that that is what we are going through. And let me tell you:
I didn't even learn that I had C-PTSD until five years ago when I started working with a
therapist who I was paying out of pocket to meet with consistently, on a regular basis. Before I
started seeing that therapist, I believed that I had a different diagnosis. I thought I had
borderline personality disorder. When I was 21, I worked with a psychiatrist (a government-funded
psychiatrist) after the incident that I spoke about in a previous video. This psychiatrist
analyzed my dreams and diagnosed me with BPD and sent me packing. Unfortunately, he told me at the
time that there was no medication for it. It's just who I was; I was just disordered that way.
Of course I was devastated (especially after running a Google search on it). And for so long,
I felt like I was broken and it wasn't until I finally started working with a therapist who
could actually take the time to observe me and my history, that she said, "What you have is not
borderline personality disorder. It's complex PTSD from childhood trauma." This made so much more
sense. C-PTSD is not an official diagnosis within the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, which is
used by mental health clinicians to diagnose people. We're not going to get into the reasons
why in this video. That's beyond the scope of this video, but for now, all that matters is that I
found a framework that made sense to me. I found a framework that helped me understand myself.
I have found a framework that enabled me to heal. We could have countless other conversations
about whether or not people should be abiding to certain labels that have been granted on them
—you know, that have been assigned to them and what it even really means to be disordered. Is
it really something that can be changed in the long run? Even though you might not share in
my experience of having had a misdiagnosis that you really identified with (to your detriment),
I'm sure we can all relate to identifying with certain adjectives that aren't so flattering.
Like, "I'm an angry person. I am unlovable. I am broken. I am terrible in relationships. I'm
needy, what have you." If you decide to identify with these adjectives, it's not my place to tell
you not to but I want to at the very least tell you why I have chosen to dis-identify with the
adjectives that I used to use to describe myself. Because I'll tell you: you're not angry, you're
not anxious, you're not all those things. There's nothing wrong with you intrinsically. You weren't
born into this world that way. You weren't born into this world disordered or needy or anxious
—what have you. If you are that way, you're most likely operating from a place of wounding and
the concept of an emotional flashback explains so much. So what happens when you're in an emotional
flashback? My therapist used to ask me to recognize the signs in my body and I used to get
so annoyed with her. I'd be like, "I'm paying you so much money. Why are you asking me such basic
questions?" The answers are really that basic and the thing is, we just have to pay attention.
Our body is all knowing. Our body really never lies to us. So what goes on when you have an
emotional flashback is you'll notice that your heart is racing faster, you've got tunnel vision,
you can't seem to focus on anything aside from the thing that you perceive to be your psychological
threat. And depending on the intensity of the triggering, your sympathetic nervous system
could be hyper-aroused and that ultimately can be really, really draining once it's all over.
There's actually four F's that I'm going to talk about today: fight,
flight, fawn, freeze. You know fight or flight; we both know what they are. "Fawn" is to become
overly nurturing or attentive (to really try to be there). If the source of our threat
is another person, then we will try to control the threat by serving that person's needs.
That's the fawn response. And then the "freeze" response is when you disassociate. By the way,
I'm only describing these responses in the way that I understand them to be,
so if you want to learn more I recommend that you read the book C-PTSD by Pete Walker.
Moving on. Gonna do the best with the time that I have left. Your rational mind has gone offline and
you are now in the face of a threat. You might act to try to contain that threat and then once
that state of hyperarousal is over, then you will find that, often, you are now physically drained.
So what happened to me earlier was I was in an emotional flashback. It wasn't the most intense
flashback that I've ever experienced. I would say it's actually more of a mild one and I was able to
just step aside, rest up for a bit, and now, four or five hours later, I'm back. I've had flashbacks
in the past that have drained me for two days straight and those were flashbacks triggered by
relationship difficulties. Intimate relationship difficulties. Now you understand why I don't
really date anymore. I'm really taking time aside to work on myself (story of my life). Fun fact:
it's actually within intimate relationships where you'll see that C-PTSD symptoms are often
more pronounced. Why understand all this? Why see it through the lens of trauma and to see it
through the lens of a trauma response? When we are not conscious of our behaviors and why they
have occurred... here's the telltale sign that something has is coming from an unconscious place
and from some place of wounding: it's when you are reacting disproportionately to what the situation
calls for. That is most certainly an unconscious reaction. Unless you are happy to continue to let
your life be driven by unconscious behaviors, unconscious beliefs, and drivers... then I feel
like you would want to know what is unconsciously driving you, right? So you can bring it to the
level of your consciousness so that you can work through it, release it, heal from it (what have
you). So that instead of those things —that which is unconscious being the driver of your destiny,
*you* get to be the driver of your destiny. I say all of that to say that if you are the type of
person to identify with your emotional reactions, please don't. I mean you can if you want to but I
feel like you would prefer not to. Then you don't have to! You're not an angry person,
you're not a co-dependent person, you're not a counter-dependent person, anxious person, avoidant
person —what have you. Those are not intrinsic to you. Nobody is born into this world disordered,
needy, anxious, avoidant —what have you. Nobody is born into this world that way. If you wind up
adopting certain coping mechanisms to the point where they become instinctive, that comes from
a place of pain from when you were really, really young (most often). And what has been learned can
be unlearned. When I started seeing my therapist five years ago, she would get me to meditate
and I would go in with certain issues and I would be looking for... just as I understood this my
issues in a cognitive way, I would be looking for solutions as laid out to me in a cognitive
way. As in I wanted someone to say to me, "This is what you do and your issue will be fixed." It
turns out that what my therapist ultimately had me doing a lot of was meditating and I remember I
used to be so annoyed. Like it would make therapy so unbearable. I did not want to meditate then,
let me tell you. And so I feel like understanding C-PTSD as a framework is something to do. I'm not
asking you to meditate but, at the very least, I'm saying that could it be possible that the
next time you experience an emotional flashback... could you have the know-how to say to yourself,
"Hey! My heart is racing fast. I've got tunnel vision. I actually am experiencing an emotional
flashback now." So instead of automatically acting on it and then later on regretting
that you've acted on it), you then take a step back and you recognize it for what it is. "I'm
having an emotional flashback," you tell your inner child (the child within). "Hey, you are
safe. You are safe." And then you remove yourself from the situation. You let whatever feelings just
flow through you and you remind yourself that you are safe. You're an adult; you're safe. You're no
longer the child who felt unsafe. That's what I do now when I experience emotional flashbacks. And
this simple concept is honestly... it's been transformative and I know I've just
allowed you to see a flashback play out on camera but let me tell you: C-PTSD used to be so much
more debilitating for me. The fact that I'm able to be on YouTube and pump out videos by myself
on a consistent basis is a huge testament to the fact that trauma can be healed. It can be healed;
it can be worked through. C-PTSD can be worked through. All the things that come with C-PTSD —all
that negative self-concept and all that it— can be worked through and grown from. And I am saying
this to you not as a guru —not as a coach. Some of you guys think I'm a coach. I'm really not.
I am not. I'm sharing this with you heart-to-heart as somebody who has been through it; who feels
like she has something to share and now it's out there and it's with you. And that's it. I hope
that this video makes sense. I know it's a little bit different; I'm not speaking from a script. Let
me know what you think of videos like this because I think I quite like them. Anyway, I'm gonna end
the video here. Please check out the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. You won't regret it (and if
you do then just give it to someone else and they won't regret it). And I will see you next week.