- My first girlfriend, huge deal,
'cause I didn't even know how gay I was
'til I met this girl, you know?
I don't know, 'cause women, we teeter, we do, we play games.
You kiss a girl in the club
to make your boyfriend's dick hard.
You do silly (beep). (audience laughs)
You're not always just laying over there.
You know what I mean?
So I didn't know.
I was like, maybe I'm just grab titties in the club gay,
and not go down on a chick gay, very different gays.
(audience laughs)
Very different gays on the spectrum.
(audience laughs)
But I met this girl, I was like, nah, man,
I'm going down on this chick, I'm ready.
Huge deal, man, I was scared.
I had to get myself charged up to do it.
John Madden in the huddle, like, I'm gonna eat this (beep).
Go, go, go. (audience laughs)
Got that.
I was looking in the mirror like,
you are a champion, don't worry.
And then I got her home and she laid down on the bed.
And I realized I had never seen a vagina from this...
Like, I've seen mine from this perspective.
(audience laughs)
I ain't never seen it like that.
I was not ready at all.
I was like, oh, what the hell is that?
(audience laughs)
Started poking at it like, uh-uh.
Close your legs, let's go to church, we need to pray.
(audience laughs)
Go ahead, pray this gay away, girl, we are living foul.
(energetic music)
- I was giving a gay blow job recently.
(audience cheers)
Look.
Thank you, and also to you.
(audience laughs)
They're not all gay, you know?
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
(audience laughs)
They're not all gay.
But the way I do it is, pinky out,
you know what I'm talking about?
I bat my eyelashes like a cartoon character,
whatever it takes.
(audience laughs)
But I've been down there for a while.
I was down there for about 30 minutes.
Yeah, god damn.
(audience laughs)
That's an entire episode of Seinfeld.
(audience laughs)
And I know because we watched an entire episode of Seinfeld.
(audience laughs)
I'm a guys' guy, you know, I'm a guys' guy.
I'm not afraid. (audience laughs)
I do it for the fellas, you know?
I was down there for about 30 minutes.
And finally I was like, "Hey, are you close?"
And he said, "I'm on Lexapro.
"I forgot to tell you I might not come."
(audience laughs)
I said, "When were you gonna tell me?
"I'm about 45 seconds from developing lock jaw."
(audience laughs)
And you're on the cowards' drug Lexapro?
(audience laughs)
Life is hard, grow up. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
No, no man.
Being medicated is good.
Seriously, stay on your meds.
(audience laughs)
You stay on your meds.
(audience laughs)
I was furious, I was like, listen,
I'm sucking dick for the love of the game, what's going on?
(audience laughs)
I'm an American citizen, I have rights, you know, like.
(audience laughs)
- I am trying online dating.
Which I feel like online dating...
First of all, I'm trying Tinder, which...
(audience cheers)
Oh god, I mean, just like the swiping.
I cannot be on Tinder because on Tinder,
like five minutes into Tinder,
I turn into this like Victorian queen.
I'm just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, fine.
(audience laughs)
You know, then we just like ignore each other.
But I feel like it's better than Grindr,
which Grindr's a gay dating app.
If you don't know what Grindr is,
it's basically a step above
tapping underneath a bathroom stall.
(audience laughs)
- I am dating women now, I am-
(audience cheers)
Okay, is it a woo, is it a woo?
(audience laughs)
Bitch, I'm in my 30s, iit just seems prudent.
(audience laughs)
You know, but here we are, I'm dating women.
And the first time I hooked up
with a woman I had these nails.
(audience laughs)
And it was just a real
longtime listener, first time caller energy.
(audience laughs)
You know, but where there is a will, there is a way.
I got just real Edwards Scissor Hands up in her.
(audience laughs)
Didn't do a full cut, just a graze.
And I made her come.
(audience cheers)
So men, what is your excuse?
(audience laughs)
- I am gay and...
(audience cheers) Thank you.
Was anybody on OkCupid like back in the day?
(audience cheers)
Same. (audience laughs)
Like when I first moved to New York City,
I was on OkCupid like quite a bit.
And I had like a lot of anxiety about like online dating.
And I had a weird OkCupid strategy
which is that I would create a profile,
and then just like immediately kind of
like be in my head about that.
And then I would not like log in for like four months.
(audience laughs)
And then eventually, when I would try to log back in,
I would forget my password.
(audience laughs)
And I also forgot the password to the burner email account
that I used to create the profile.
(audience laughs)
So I would just end up making
an entirely different profile.
And there was a point in my life
where I did have five active profiles on OkCupid.
And each one was much more vulnerable than the last one.
(audience laughs)
Like when you make a profile,
you're supposed to answer
like fun, flirty questions about yourself.
One of 'em is like what's a typical Friday night for you?
And the first profile I made for that question,
I answered dancing. (audience laughs)
You know, I'm fun, whatever.
By the time I got to the fifth profile,
for that same question I answered,
honestly thinking about my family's history
of mental illness and alcoholism.
(audience laughs)
...Like dance a little.
(audience laughs)
I ended up just getting an 87% match
with one of my other profiles.
So I'm dating myself, which is chill.
(audience laughs)
I did like graduate to Grindr.
I'm on Grindr now.
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
It's like am I gonna die from a Grindr hookup?
TBD, you know Grindr is dark.
But something I like about Grindr are the profile names.
Because like I feel like I've encountered
like Grindr profile names that have like two parts to them.
Like the first part of the name is
like something very personal about the guy.
And then the second part is something
exclusively about his dick.
(audience laughs)
Like actual Grindr profile names I've seen
are like "Recently Sober, Uncut."
(audience laughs)
I've also seen like "NYC Transplant, Seven Inches."
(audience laughs)
My Grindr profile name is
"Native American Sponsored by Casper Mattress."
(audience laughs)
I'm no longer like terrified of dying
during a Grindr hookup though,
'cause that's kind of like he died doing what he loved.
(audience laughs)
- To me queerness is the, I'm hungry
but I don't know for what of sexualities.
(audience laughs)
My sexuality is just a salad from McDonald's.
It's confusing to some, appealing to others.
Either way, I'm loving it.
(audience laughs)
You know what, maybe I'm bi.
Maybe I'm bi because I am attracted to very feminine men.
But I'm also attracted to very masculine men.
I recently told... (audience laughs)
I recently told a guy at coffee that information.
I said "I identify as bi or queer because that's more honest
"and reflective of my sexual and romantic journey.
"But if you to call me gay wouldn't get mad.
"Gay is not a bad word.
"In fact sometimes gay is just easier as shorthand
"for straight people to wrap their brains around
"when they don't wanna have to use the terms
"we come out with every three months
"to categorize, quantify and qualify sexuality."
And he said, "That is a lot to write on one cup."
(audience laughs)
And I say, "You right, my bad homie, my name is Jay."
And you guys, he still got my name wrong.
He just wrote gay on the cup.
(audience laughs)
Put that there.
I hear from those varying pitches
that there are some straight people out there.
That's nice.
Listen, I like straight people.
I do a lot of straight outreach.
Usually at urinals.
(audience laughs)
I'm just handing out pamphlets, don't get crazy.
Okay, here's a little bit of honesty.
I used to be straight, then I got better.
Yeah, there's a vaccine for it, did you know?
That's right, vaccines don't cause autism.
Vaccines make your kids gay.
And by that, I mean they let your child
live long enough to figure it out.
(audience laughs)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Because last week I did that joke
for what I can only describe as a very pro polio crowd.
So between you and me, I'm just happy
that joke still has legs.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps) (audience cheers)
No you guys, I'm serious, I did used to be straight.
I used to date girls because we've all made mistakes.
And I like to think of the female body
the same way I think of the south,
in the sense that I'm from there, and I visited,
but I don't know if that's where I wanna raise my kids.
Also, it's not the heat, it's the humidity, does that?
(audience laughs)
Ah, come on, you guys.
That is a perfectly pH balanced joke.
(audience laughs)
That joke is a seven.
I could go back, ladies, I could go back.
I could go back, that is a threat.
Yeah, it could definitely happen.
I could go back to dating girls.
But me going back to girls,
that's like LeBron James going to the Lakers,
in the sense that it would cost a lot of money.
I'd probably have to bring some of my boys with me.
And at the end of the day, you ain't getting no ring.
(audience laughs)
- It's true, I am bisexual, but I'm very bad at it.
My problem is I have to stop assuming that girls are gay.
It's gotten me into too many sticky predicaments.
And I can't afford to break another lease.
(audience laughs)
So from here on out, going forward I got a new strategy.
I'm gonna play it safe,
and just pretend that every hot girl I meet is straight
until she explicitly tells me otherwise.
She's gotta snap back on, doesn't mean anything.
She's got a rainbow flag pin on her cargo jacket,
I'm not reading into it.
She's kissing my neck, she's probably just being polite.
(audience laughs)
Her family is Scandinavian.
It's probably just a cultural thing.
Not gonna be rude and just assume a girl is queer
just because she's fingering me.
(audience laughs)
There's a number of explanations available.
Maybe she lost her keys, I don't know.
I know her star sign, not her story.
(audience laughs)
- I'm gay sexually, I'm pretty cool otherwise.
(audience laughs)
Okay.
I'm dating a conservative gay guy.
And all my liberal friends are really mad at me.
They're like, "Oh no Dylan, you shouldn't."
Then you fuck me, if that's what you want.
(audience laughs)
Otherwise, I'm going with Honky Montana.
Okay, 'cause he fucks me.
And culturally too, he gets it, you know?
These socialists aren't paying for pizza.
(audience laughs)
They're not, you know?
But it's weird, like dating a gay conservative
is like bringing a deaf person to a concert.
(audience laughs)
It's just like, are you having fun?
(audience laughs)
I just feel like
we're having different experiences right now.
But I'm glad that you're here, just confused as to why.
And we'll get in an argument sometimes
'cause like I'm more liberal and he is more conservative.
I'm like, "Hey, you really can't say this stuff online.
"It like hurts people's feelings like legitimately."
But then I'll hear a bump in the night.
And I'll be like, oh my God, I hope he has a gun.
(audience laughs)
I hope he has a gun, it could be immigrants.
We don't know the situation.
We don't know what the Swedish are doing.
(audience laughs)
- Speaking of collecting STDs, I'm dating.
(audience laughs)
Dating's hard, dating gay dudes is hard, am I right, ladies?
(audience laughs)
No, I feel like I reached
like peak millennial dating moment.
I was on a date a few nights ago.
The guy disclosed in the middle of it.
He asked me out because his birth chart told him to.
(audience laughs)
I was like, what does the chart say about eating my ass?
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers)
What house is my booty in, star boy?
(audience laughs)
No, I did come across my favorite Tinder profile ever.
How do we feel about the wallet phone case?
(audience laughs) (audience cheers)
Fun fact, when you turn 30, they just send you one.
(audience laughs)
Okay, so first of all, his name is Yale,
which I think we can all agree is the key word
in an article about sexual assaults.
(audience laughs)
Like the Yale rapist or Yale the rapist, both work.
But here's his profile.
"In this age of hipster twerps and soy boys..."
Present. (audience laughs)
"It's time we revisit the glory days."
And then it's just bullet points about him.
"Owns a construction company.
"Physically confident.
"Can scale a mountain."
Is everyone else sopping wet?
(audience laughs)
And this next one, you guys.
"If I have to kill, I do it neatly."
(audience laughs)
I've just been asking audiences, what does that mean?
(audience laughs)
Like, are there any damaged men
in the room who would like to?
Or is it just like 50/50 you're gonna die on this date?
After that it's,
"Healthy and active with a modicum of decorum."
(audience laughs)
And at the very bottom it just says,
"In southern California with a kid
"for a make-a-wish type thing."
(audience laughs)
Is this what we're killing neatly?
(audience laughs)
So I swiped right.
(audience laughs)
Hopefully I'll match with the old Yale.
'Cause unfortunately, Yale is my type.
I'm painfully attracted to toxic masculinity.
Do we know what that is?
Yes.
For those of you who don't, toxic masculinity
is when a man becomes so masculine
he becomes poisonous to himself and those around him.
And it makes me come so hard.
(audience laughs)
'Cause okay, like you guys know me now,
I'm catastrophically gay. (audience laughs)
Which is super cute in like L.A. and New York.
Not so cute in other parts of the world.
(audience laughs)
Or look at it this way, I'm not built for battle.
(audience laughs)
Like, I'm just as frail as I look.
Like these wrists are good for three things.
Holding a microphone, mixing pancake batter,
and jerking off dudes who don't read good.
(audience laughs)
(energetic music)