FREQUENT YIEWRS OF SHOULD SHOW NO I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
OVER THERE UNPACKING THE BIGGEST, MOST CRUCIAL NEWS
STORIES, LAYING THEM ALL OUT, THEN METICULOUSLY ASSEMBLING
THEM INTO THE AWESOME, IMPRESSIVELY DETAILED LEGO
MILLENNIUM FALCON THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO COLLECT ALL THE LEFTOVER BITS, THE SPARE
WHEELS, THE DISCARDED 2x2 FLAT TIRES, THE EXTRA FOUR-TOP
BRICKS, SLAP THEM TOGETHER WITH SOME RUBBER BANDS, ADD AN OLD
TRAIN LOCOMOTIVE, THEN STRAP A DINOSAUR ON AND A BOTTLE ROCKET
TO MAKE THE BACKYARD ROCKET CAR OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!"
MEANWHILE-- IT'S SIMPLE.
IT'S DELICIOUS.
MEANWHILE, THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT OF SAN MIGUEL,
COLORADO, WENT VIRAL YESTERDAY AFTER ISSUING THIS WARNING:
"LARGE BOULDER THE SIZE OF A SMALL BOULDER IS COMPLETELY
BLOCKING EASTBOUND LANE OF HIGHWAY 145."
WOW, YEAH.
TO MOVE, THAT THEY'RE GOING TO NEED A MEDIUM-SIZED CRANE THE
SIZE OF A HUGE CRANE.
( LAUGHTER )
PROFESSOR HAS CREATED A PATCH INFUSED WITH BACON TO 'HELP
VEGANS COPE WITH MEAT CRAVINGS.'"
( LAUGHTER )
THE VEGAN'S MOUTH SO THEY CAN'T KEEP TALKING ABOUT HOW CASHEW
BUTTER REBALANCED THEIR GUT BIOME.
( LAUGHTER )
NO ONE CARES.
( APPLAUSE )
"WHEN A PERSON WHO IS WEARING THE PATCH SCRATCHES IT, IT
PRODUCES A SMELL SIMILAR TO THAT OF COOKED BACON," SO THEY CAN
IMAGINE THAT THEY ARE EATING BACON, WHICH SHOULD SUPPOSEDLY
SATE THEIR APPETITE."
RIGHT, BECAUSE THE NORMAL HUMAN REACTION TO SMELLING BACON IS TO
NO LONGER WANT TO EAT BACON.
( LAUGHTER )
SELLING A ROSE WINE DRINK ENHANCER THAT CAN BE USED TO
TURN YOUR WATER INTO A DELICIOUS GLASS OF WINE TO ACHIEVE THE
PERFECT NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK."
IT'S ALL THE THINGS YOU LOVE ABOUT WINE, WITHOUT THE ONLY
THING YOU LOVE ABOUT WINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND--
♪ ♪ ♪ AND THE REVIEWS ARE IN, WITH ONE
DRINKER SAYING, "IT'S AMAZING" IF YOU ADD A FEW DROPS TO
VODKA."
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S RIGHT!
JUST THROW A FEW DROPS OF THIS MAGIC ROSE MIXER INTO YOUR
VODKA, AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS WILL BE SAYING, "ARE YOU OKAY?"
( LAUGHTER )
PRINTER, A LOUDSPEAKER, AND COMPUTER SOFTWARE TO RECREATE
THE VOICE OF A 3,000-YEAR-OLD MUMMY."
HERE'S WHAT THEY ACTUALLY CAME UP WITH:
( GROANING ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I CAN'T-- CAN WE HEAR THAT AGAIN?
IS IT POSSIBLE?
CAN WE HEAR THAT AGAIN?
( GROANING )
MUMMIES SOUND LIKE.
IT'S GOING TO REALLY KNOCK SOME OF THE SUSPENSE OUT OF OUR
MOVIES.
>> WHAT'S IT SAY?
( GROANING )