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Aahhh!
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[gunshot]
As Edutainment Month draws to a close,
I figured it's time to cover the undisputed king
of educational entertainment games.
And at over 65 million units sold,
of course we're talking about The Oregon Trail.
Now I could just go ahead and review the legendary
1985 Apple II version of the game and call it a day,
but I don't feel that would do it justice.
And besides, a ton of people have done that already.
This is, after all, Lazy Game Reviews,
where the game reviews are anything but lazy.
So let's go all the way back to the beginning of the story.
Back to 1971 to an apartment in Minnesota
where an idea was forming,
starting with the drawing of a map of the United States.
Don Rawitsch,
Paul Dillenberger
and Bill Heinemann were student teachers
at the nearby Carlton College.
Don was teaching a history class and for the Western Expansion unit,
he decided to create a game for his students
in which they would role-play as pioneering families
taking on the trek from Independence, Missouri,
to Willamette Valley in Oregon.
By rolling dice and drawing cards,
they would endure the 2,000- mile journey in about 12 turns.
if they survived.
Soon after this, the three decided to update the game digitally
and two weeks later they had ported the gameplay
to the Hewlett-Packard Time-Shared BASIC environment
on an [HP 2100] minicomputer.
There was no screen or display of any kind, just a teletype machine.
You would receive and give commands by typing into a large sheet of paper
and see the results using large amounts of imagination.
Although severely limited, it was still quite engrossing.
You could even hunt animals in the game by typing in the word "bang"
at opportune moments.
And if you typed it quickly and accurately enough, you would score some meat.
After you reached Oregon, a little bell would ring
and you'd be congratulated.
It was crude but effective, and was quite a success around the school.
However, it was packed away and forgotten for several years,
as they really didn't know what else to do with it.
Then in 1973, a statewide organization
called the Minnesota Educational Computing Consortium
also known simply as M.E.C.C., or "MECC,"
was formed with the goal of providing more computing facilities to students.
In 1974, Don Rawitsch joined MECC
and got to work porting and updating the game
for use on the statewide time-sharing computer system,
using a teletype system similar to the old HP machine.
Then in 1978, the microcomputer revolution was starting to take off
and the large minicomputers were quickly being replaced
by machines like the TRS-80
and the Apple II.
MECC decided on the Apple II for their computer system
and the new Oregon Trail ports soon followed.
Around that same time, The Oregon Trail started seeing distribution
outside of the Minnesota schools,
being distributed with magazines like Creative Computing,
which was still a text-only game written in BASIC 3.1
for the CDC Cyber-70/7326,
with Apple II ports of this version and updates of it following soon after.
Then a version simply known as "Oregon"
was released in 1980 on compilation disks from MECC,
like the Elementary Volume 6 disk.
Several new team members were brought on board to update the game,
and it was a huge leap forward,
adding things like color graphics,
music,
recognizable landmarks,
and even an interactive hunting mini-game.
I used the term "interactive" very lightly.
It wasn't until 1985 that the most recognizable version of The Oregon Trail was released,
based on the 1980 version but with lots and lots of considerable improvements
to graphics and gameplay.
It was awesome and everybody knew it,
leading to it being ported to pretty much every major computer system out there.
There have been at least ten major revisions over the years,
like Oregon Trail Deluxe in 1992,
The Oregon Trail in 1993,
Oregon Trail II in 1996,
the 3rd Edition in '97,
4th Edition in '01, and so on,
as well as several other similar games
like The Yukon Trail
and Amazon Trail.
It practically single-handedly created the edutainment game genre
and its legacy is still noticeable,
with pop culture references continuing to this day.
Everything from t-shirts to weird advergames
to Digg's fail page.
So why in the world is this simulation about a 19th-Century road trip so full of awesome?
Well, let's dive right into the timeless 1985 Apple II version and find out.
If you played The Oregon Trail back in the day on the Apple II,
there is a good chance you played it on a monochrome display.
The graphics were still in color, technically,
but with a green screen monitor, it looked more like this.
And although it's friggin' nostalgic,
I'll be playing the rest of the game in full color
just to get the, uh, full... color.
'Cause it's nice.
From the main menu, you have the option to jump right into the game,
learn stuff,
check the high scores
and turn off the sound.
Selecting the learn stuff option displays a screen
which covers stuff that you have to learn,
mainly the goals of the game.
Which it gets across by taunting you.
I mean, seriously, it's like,
"Just try! Just try to play this!"
I feel like it's saying,
"Yeah, seriously, just go ahead, you stupid kid."
"You're so going to die."
Now take note of that slightly oppressive tone here
because you'll see it again soon.
Starting the game will present you with three different people you can be.
Who you choose will determine how much money you'll start off with
and, seriously, why would you not pick the banker?
This is a fantasy. Why would I want to play as a poor farmer?
Sure, it'll get you more points in the end, but screw that!
Next you're given the option to name yourself
and, man, do I have some memories with this.
You see, the game will use whatever you type in here
throughout the entire game.
Give kids total freedom and they'll probably do something immature soon enough.
Like naming themselves Fart
or something much, much worse.
In fact, I learned several new words as a kid,
playing this game on the public library computer.
Next you'll choose the month to depart,
which affects the weather and other such variables that go with the seasons.
It says to go all Goldilocks–
pick one not too late but not too early–
so I usually pick May.
Finally, you'll be able to put the money you're given to use
by purchasing crap from Matt at Matt's General Store.
He's apparently psychic or something,
since he already knows I'm going to Oregon
and I sure as heck didn't tell him.
You'll need to buy oxen, food, clothing, ammunition and spare parts.
You can actually buy nothing but oxen and be on your way.
Which makes what Matt says after this pretty ridiculous.
"Well, you're ready to go to Oregon
with a wagon, two oxen, no food and completely naked.
Good luck!"
Seriously, you should probably stock the crap up if you want to play the game very long.
especially flour, sugar, coffee and bacon.
Do not forget the bacon!
DUKE: Bacon!
LGR: Besides, it's 20 cents a pound,
so just pile up the most sacred of meats.
Buying lots of spare parts is a good idea, too,
unless you want to leave yourself to the mercy of your non-existent repair skills.
This is not The Sims.
You cannot upgrade your repair skill.
Leaving a few hundred bucks left for later
is probably a good idea too,
since you'll no doubt consume your heavenly bacon
before you're halfway there.
Once you're done at the store, you're greeted with a beeping rendition of "Yankee Doodle."
["Yankee Doodle" plays]
This is actually the first of many authentic songs from the time period
that are played throughout the game.
Well, as authentic as the Apple II's dinky speaker can do, at least.
You're then on the trail
and greeted with the "size up your situation" screen.
Your vital information is here,
like the location, date, weather, health, etc.
You also have a menu of options to choose from:
your supplies, your map, your pace,
your food rations,
and some actions which will change
depending on your location.
Select "Continue on trail"
to... continue on... the trail,
and the trail will appear for you to continue on it.
In about three seconds, you'll no doubt have something terrible happen
to somebody in your crew, like Seriously here getting typhoid,
after only 20 miles of travel.
Seriously. What a pansy.
And this is really where most of the game takes place.
on this screen representing you and your surroundings,
as well as these black boxes of death that appear on-screen.
They're a lot like the chance cards in Monopoly,
except that, uh, they have a much higher pain-to-pleasure ratio.
They really start feeling oppressive before too long.
I mean, tons of evil crap happens.
Like measles, cholera, fever,
breakdowns, thieves, inadequate grass,
lack of water, death,
zombification,
nuclear radiation,
demon attacks,
hipsters.
Alright, so maybe I added a few of those, but you get the point.
It's a bunch of junk.
And of course, probably the most famous – or infamous –
is the dysentery,
which is actually completely nasty
and was always a point of snickering back in the day.
Dysentery, also known as the "bloody flux,"
is an inflammation of the intestine that results in a mucousy, bloody, explosive diarrhea.
Holy crap, what an awful way to die!
Eventually, everyone may die,
and when that happens you're at least given a reward for death
by being able to choose your own epitaph.
Once again, this was always a point for the most immature of immature punks
to do their immature handiwork.
The best part is that if the disk write protection is off,
it will save these tombstones on the trail,
so the next person that plays will run across your dead leader every time they play.
Eventually, The Oregon Trail becomes somewhat like a public bathroom wall,
scrawled with only the finest perversions and obscenities.
Often you'll run into rivers to cross
and you'll be presented with choices like fording the river,
floating your wagon,
taking a ferry,
waiting for conditions to improve,
hiring an Indian guide, and so on.
The choice you should make depends on the weather
and the depth and width of the river.
And of course, using the ferrymen or the guide costs money or supplies.
If you fail, it's the worst feeling in the world.
You lose stuff, stuff gets wet, people die and stuff.
It's just heartbreaking, especially as a kid.
But you know the perfect way to recover from river death is?
Hunting.
Yes, probably most kids' favorite part of The Oregon Trail is the hunting mini-game.
You can choose to hunt from the menu from just about any location.
You control a little albino Robocop
and shoot little albino animal silhouettes
by aiming and pressing Space.
Squirrels, deer, buffalo, kill 'em all!
The sucky part is even if you get an epic haul of meat,
you're only able to carry back so much food,
so the rest just kind of gets wasted.
Why you don't just take along one of your disease-prone offspring to help you out,
I dunno, I guess they're just brats.
Along the way, you'll run into famous and not-so-famous American landmarks
which greets you with a song
and the chance to talk to people about useless stuff
that nobody cares about except history buffs.
Eventually, you'll reach the occasional fort,
where you can stock up on supplies with any money you have left,
or you can trade items if there's anyone available to do that.
And I've gotta say, I've always hated the trading system
because it seems like nobody ever has what you need
and is just a clunky waste of time for the most part.
But it's good when you're in a bind and with no cash
because you chose the stupid farmer.
About halfway through, you'll reach a point where the trail divides
into the Green River Crossing and Fort Bridger.
The former seems to be a bit shorter, but also much harder, than the latter,
at least from June to August.
And then it's more of the same routine
of keeping track of your pacing, rations, diseases,
and bacon worship until you reach another divide,
this time between the Columbia River and the Barlow Toll Road.
Pretty much you either pay money to stay safe and take the longer route,
or pocket the cash, take the shorter route and play a mini-game.
I always thought the river mini-game was kind of cool, so I usually just do that.
It's a bit simplistic, but whatever.
It's better than staring at the screen, anticipating the black box of death.
Just dodge rocks and then dock where the trail continues,
and then balls yeah!
You've finally reached Oregon!
It only takes about 25 minutes to get there on average,
but the stress involved honestly makes it feel a lot longer.
You get a score based on what you have left
and who you chose at the beginning,
and then you can input your name into the high score table if you are good enough.
And that's it! That is The Oregon Trail.
At least the 1985 Apple II version
that's so awesome you shouldn't need to play anything else anyways.
So why it is it remembered so fondly by those of us who played it as a kid?
Well, for many, it was the first taste of freedom in a game.
I know for me, it was one of the first simulation games I'd ever played
and it really felt open-ended.
And the fact that it was different every time you played
and had so many variables just made it tons of fun.
Plus, you usually got to play it during school or while visiting the library
so it kind of felt like getting ice cream
while the rest of the kids were eating dry vegetables.
It was a reward because it was awesome
and it was awesome because it was a reward
that other kids didn't have! Ha ha!
And the subject matter was something that was kind of cool already.
You know, pioneering across the untamed American West and all that stuff.
And it was a billion times better than just reading about it in some bland textbook.
The Oregon Trail was one of the first computer edutainment titles
and to me, it still stands up as one of the best.
I don't know what I really learned from it,
besides the f-word and maybe what dysentery is, but I don't care.
It will always be special to me and I highly recommend trying it out
in one of its various forms,
be it the Apple II, Commodore 64,
Macintosh, PC, Android, or even Facebook versions of the game.
It's just that awesome.
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