-Welcome back to "Late Night," everybody.
You know, a lot of news agencies
provide the best- and worst-case scenarios
for various news stories, but rarely do they provide
a scenario that involves
swarms of deadly bees attacking humanity.
Well, we here at "Late Night" have solved that problem
with our new segment, "Best Case Scenario,
Worst Case Scenario, and One with Bees."
[ Laughter ]
First topic, the midterm elections.
The best case for Democrats -- the party is able
to overcome the polls and limit their expected losses
while maintaining a hold on the House and the Senate.
Worst case -- the party loses Congressional control
and dooms Biden's agenda for the remainder of his term.
Or...
[ Ominous music plays ]
[ Laughter ]
...the bees come.
[ Laughter ]
First, it's just a single bee attacking a farmer in Decatur.
Then a swarm, and another swarm, and another,
until bees are pouring from the skies.
Cities everywhere are besieged by bees.
It is unsafe to leave the house.
There is no one outside. Nothing.
Only bees.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Next topic, Elon Musk's plan to buy Twitter.
Best case for Musk -- he's able to buy Twitter
for a price lower than his $44 billion bid.
Worst case -- Musk ends up in a protracted battle
with Twitter's board, endangering both his funding
and Tesla's stock. Or, bees.
[ Laughter ]
Bees everywhere.
Bees in streets, bees in schools, bees in fields.
The sun is blotted out by scores of bees.
Military-grade pesticide slows them down -- briefly --
but they return, faster and deadlier.
They amass into a behemoth and face the full might
of the U.S. Army.
Explosions, carnage, mayhem.
And then...nothing.
[ Laughter ]
[ Bees buzzing ]
Only buzzing.
Ceaseless buzzing.
[ Buzzing intensifies ]
The melody...of...doom!!
[ Bees buzzing loudly ]
Next up, new COVID variants.
Best case -- like the 1918 flu pandemic,
COVID-19 mutates into a seasonal variant that,
most years, isn't too deadly.
Worst case -- more highly transmissible variants emerge
that increasingly evade antiviral treatments.
Or, 19 years.
[ Laughter ]
19 years have passed since the bees came.
The survivors move through tunnels,
sustaining themselves on expired cans of beans
and drippings of raw honey from the surface world.
There is no hope.
Until Henry.
Young Henry, a boy evolved with the power of flight,
a waxy exoskeleton, and a stinger.
He must journey to the Supreme Hive,
because maybe he...
can finally end this waking nightmare.
Next up, the E.U. just imposed a partial embargo
on Russian crude oil and petroleum products.
Best-case scenario -- the oil embargo manages
to end the conflict in Ukraine while also serving
as a wake-up call for Western governments
to invest in developing renewable energy.
Worst case -- the embargo results in larger
economic slumps and upheavals,
which ultimately emboldens Putin.
Or, the Supreme Hive.
[ Laughter ]
Henry has arrived, but he is not alone.
The Bee Butcher of Davenport,
the man who's killed millions of bee-kind --
he knows this is a suicide mission,
but he wasn't going to let the kid come alone.
Our heroes make their way into the prismatic den
to face the Queen.
In an instant, she beckons thousands of bees
to attack Henry. But the Butcher!
The Butcher jumps in front of him!
The Butcher incinerates thousands of bees,
but he can only hold them off for so long
before they overtake him. The Butcher!
The bees have taken him, like they have taken so much!
Damn you, you winged freaks!
Henry flies at the Queen, and she at him,
stingers exposed!
[ Laughter ]
This is it!
Two stings.
The fate of man and bee decided in two stings.
For a moment, it is unclear,
and then, the Queen falls from the air.
She is dead.
Millions of leaderless drones collapse to the ground.
Their reign is over.
Henry knows that without a stinger,
there is only so long he can live.
He has saved mankind.
But as he looks at his fallen comrade,
he realizes that, while the Butcher
may have taught him to become a man,
did he not also learn... how to become a bee?
[ Laughter ]
And before it all fades, he lets out one final breath.
Buzzzzzzzzzzz.
Buzzzzzzzzz-z-z-z-z...
This was "Best Case, Worst Case, and One with Bees."
We'll be right back with Jana Schmieding.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪