If you're thinking about killing yourself, wait.
The Earth might do it for you.
Man: Species are vanishing
at roughly 100 times the normal rate.
In all of Earth's history,
there have only been five mass extinction events,
one of which killed the dinosaurs.
Now biologists say we are on the verge of the sixth.
The sixth mass extinction event is about to happen!
I don't know much about the other ones.
I assume it's like the "Fast and Furious" franchise.
If you don't catch the first five,
you still know what's going on.
And in the last one,
Vin Diesel fights a comet whilst riding a T-Rex.
Many species are already suffering,
and, as usual, it's humans' fault.
Man: Researchers aren't sure
what's making birds so vulnerable
but point to humans,
potential reasons including the destruction of natural habitat
and use of toxic pesticides.
Woman: Since 1970, nearly a third of birds
in the U.S. and Canada
have disappeared from most biomes.
That's almost 3 billion birds.
Three billion birds?!
How many have we got left?!
It just seems like there's plenty out there.
Like, I've never been anywhere and thought,
"You know what this place could use? More birds."
[ Laughter ]
The strippers have to watch out for the eagle.
He gets a little bit wingsy.
[ Laughter ]
The signs of extinction are everywhere.
Man: The term is called colony collapse disorder.
Suddenly hives are dying.
We lost 43% of bee colonies over the last year.
That's important 'cause honeybees are a key part of agriculture.
So not only are we losing the birds,
but we're also losing the bees, too!
Without them around, now when parents want to have
the "birds and the bees" conversation,
they're just gonna have to [bleep] in front of their kids.
[ Laughter ]
Even if humans survived, these extinction events
means we wouldn't have anything left to eat.
The number of different species that are providing our crops
has plunged dramatically.
Our food system isn't necessarily going to be able
to cope in the future with the damage being done to it.
You know what they say --
give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll drain the oceans,
bleach the coral reef,
and bring the extinction of the human race.
[ Laughter ]
And it's not just that humans are causing these changes.
In our efforts to help,
we are throwing money at the wrong things.
Woman: Pandas, by comparison,
don't affect many other life forms,
so saving them saves the pandas but not much else.
Yet it's the cuddly pandas who qualify as a poster species
for conservation organizations.
Of the close to 20,000 endangered animal species,
only 80 get the lion's share of the already scarce funding.
Yeah, pandas are a bunch of [bleep].
[ Laughter ]
Pandas are using up resources,
and it's pretty clear they don't even want to be alive!
Their bodies can't digest their diet,
they barely survive in the wild.
And they [bleep] so rarely that they literally forget how!
Things are so bad that panda breeders
have now started showing them panda porn
so they can emulate the process.
Although I don't see how that's gonna help.
If you showed me porn of someone who looks exactly like me
[bleep] someone else who looks exactly like me,
I'd be too busy masturbating to get anyone pregnant.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Hold on. Can we just hold for a second?
This erection's gonna take a while.
[ Laughter ]
Personally, I'm not interested
in some long, drawn-out extinction event
where we slowly all starve to death.
Give me a meteorite, man. That's what we need, man.
Just a meteorite. That's how I wanna go.
I think humans should all die at once.
Like, we spot, like, some comet or some other sky thing, right?
And it's falling, and we're told
we've only got like 48 hours' notice before the end.
How would you spend your time?
I'd spend me last minutes on Earth
telling everyone what I [bleep] think of them!
And then I'd walk right up to a bull's-eye of a Skee-Ball lane
and just throw all the balls in at once
and see what happens.
And then I'd probably get mad at meself and go,
"I should have thrown it in the 100 thing in the corner,
but what are you gonna do?"
And then I'd make sure I die in a tar pit
so future generations can see my skeleton in their museums.
And I'd hold a bone in front of me crotch
so future species would think that's what me dick looks like.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
The only downside would be if somehow the government
managed to knock the meteor out of the sky,
then we'd all wake up on extinction day
and realize we had been saved.
And then you'd have to roll over to your step-sister and go...
"Let's never speak of this again.
But seeing we've already done it,
let's [bleep] one more time."
[ Laughter ]