What's love got to do? got to do?
Right? Love that Tina Turner song a lot.
of people are not just searching for
love they're searching for this magical
mystical unconditional love. Today, here
on limitless TV, I'm bringing on one of
my, one of my, dear, dear friends and
guests mentor, marianne de Novelists to
talk about what unconditional love is
and how you create it.
You know, a lot of people have asked me
what is unconditional love? and what does
it mean in a relationship? what does it
mean in terms of yourself? how can you
really have it? and here's what I want to
share with you, I've discovered a lot of
things on what unconditional love is and
what unconditional love isn't. Let me
give you an example, you know we think
about love. There's a lot of different
ways to express love. There's a lot of
different ways to feel love. Many of you
have heard of love languages and many of
you have heard of different kinds of
love and different languages. You know,
you love your animal, you love your pet,
you love your dog, you love your house,
you love your kids, you love you know to
do things. You love to go on hikes, you
love to have hobbies, you love yourself
and maybe for some people that's a new
concept. Maybe for some people you have
had these inclinations and voices in
your heads with Oh, I hate it when I do
this. I hate it when I do that. And here's
the difference,
unconditional love, means no matter what.
It means no strings attached. It means
whether or not the circumstance shows up
like I expect it or not. That's what
unconditional love looks like. And when you
have unconditional love, that means that
nothing can rob you of your peace. Now
let me lay the foundation for this for
just a moment.
Unconditional love, when you look at
yourself in the mirror what do you see?
when you look at yourself in the mirror
do you see things that are just
objectifying for you? do you see and I
used to do this. I used to look at myself
in the mirror and say, "Oh, I like how I
look today". I like this outfit or I don't
like this part of me and sometimes I
would just look at myself you know from
the neck down makes a bunch of judgments.
And, I was super conditional. If I looked
at the scale one day, and I saw two more
pounds than I noticed yesterday, or the
week before, then I put a condition on it.
That I'm somehow less than that two
pounds more made me less than. I looked
at my bank account says this number, this
figure represent how much I'm worth? is
it affect how much peace I have? is it a
heading to or taking away? I'm checking
on dipping my energetic dipstick
you will into all of these different
circumstances in determining my level of
self-love and I really want to define
for you, what self-love means. What does
love mean to you? Just consider that for
a moment. What does love mean to you you?
You know in Greek there's so many different
words for love there's a word for love
that means brotherly love. There's a word
for love that means close intimate love
between you and a spouse. There's a word
for love that means, you love your field
or your job, or what you do. There's
several different words for love and in
the English language we don't really
have that? We have just love. We have
friendships that means something
different. We have relationship that
means something different. But what is
love really mean? and this is my
definition. Love means commitment to
success. Let me say that again,
love means commitment to success. You see
love isn't an emotion. It's not something
that you feel although there are
emotions that come with it. Love is a
commitment. Love is a commitment to
success. I once had a dear friend and
mentor who was explaining this concept
to me and he said, "Maryann, if I love this
cheese burger,
I'm committed to his success. and the
highest success for this Cheeseburger is
to become part of me, and fuel me, and
give me energy to do what I do for out
the whole day." and I just laugh I thought
that was the most hilarious thing they
were her but he had a point. Committed to
the success. So what does that mean for
you? you think about a child. Now I don't
mean how many of you have kids but I
know you've also been one before.
speaking as a former one-year-old, I can
tell you this and having one year olds
of my own I've watched them get up and
I've watched them take steps and I've
watched them learn how to walk and I
watch them fall a lot of times. And,
sometimes the fall is a little trip, and
sometimes the fall is a fall down a
flight of stairs. And you can imagine, as
an adult, I'm not looking at them and
saying, "oh you should really do better,
you know that wasn't a very good try, you
know that was a really maybe, you should
stop, maybe you should stop doing what
you're doing because that's not really
working for you you're getting results
that aren't favourable. Hmm.... you should
just really cut that on". No!
What kind of parent does that? I mean can you imagine a world
where we have full-grown adults crawling
and rolling on the ground because they
never learned how to log because someone
told them to give up? I mean it's funny
that would be, that would never happen
because, we are committed to success.
Because, we love ourselves enough to take
the next step even if it's unsure. Even
if it's unsteady.
now couple that with unconditional. You
take love, commitment to success
you've got unconditional which means
regardless of circumstance which means
regardless of no strings attached and
you put them together into one and
here's what you come up with
unconditional commitment to success. Now,
how does it show up in relationships?
before you can give it to someone else
you have to have it here. It has to start
somewhere because, you can't give what
you don't have. You can't give what you
don't have. So if you are lacking
unconditional love for self, how could
you possibly give it to someone else?
Oh, you may think you do and a lot of times
in this world we've heard the old adage
you know love your neighbor as yourself
the golden rule do unto others as you
would do unto yourself. And a
lot of times, people will make the
mistake of giving more than they have of
giving to other batteries are tapped out.
And then, giving more. And you know what
happens when that happens? We forget
ourselves. We forget. We forget to take
care of ourselves. Imagine if you were
sinking and someone's thinking next to
you're in a big vast ocean and there's
no life preservers. There's no possible
way for you to save someone unless
you've got a life preserver or you're on
higher ground. You've got to give from a
full tank. We learn about this all the
time if you've ever been on the airplane,
you had the flight attendants give you
their spiel about how to click the
safety belts and how to blow into the
tube when your oxygen, when your,
floatation device comes and they always
talk about that oxygen device coming
down and every single time they will
tell you to make sure that you take care
of you before you pass it on to someone
else. Because what good are you to help
someone else if you're empty? What good
you to help someone else if you're
passed out? You can't.
it's impossible you can't give what you
don't have
So unconditional love, it all starts here.
and what do you do when you love someone?
what do you do when you're in love with
something? you spend time with them. You
connect to them. You find out what your
interests are. You find out what makes
them tick. Think about maybe you went on
a first date. What did you do? did you
learn things about that person? did you
ask that person's friends? what colors do
they like? what flowers you like? what
things they like? what do they like to do?
when's the last time you do that for
yourself? so I have a challenge for you
I'm going to invite you to write a top
10 list of things that you love. Things
that make you take, things that you love
to spend your time doing, do you would
like to go on rafting trips? what do you
excite, get excited about? do you like to
create art? do you like to build? do you
like to just sit and read a book? how do
you love to spend time with yourself? how
do you love to create? what do you do to
recharge your batteries? and then I'm
going to ask you to pick one. Pick one
today. I'm talking today. Right now before
this video is over I want you to have
one in mind that you can step forward
with. That you commit to accomplishing.
Maybe it's just 15 minutes you need to
commit yourself today. But that's 15
minutes of dedication to you. Dedication
to your success and what does success
for you look like? maybe it's a goal that
you're working on, maybe it's a business
goal or maybe it's a relationship goal
maybe it's a family goal. Believe it or
not taking that time to work on you,
taking that time to give yourself that
15 minutes is feeding that unconditional
love. And many have nothing to do with the
goal that you're working on. But it
charges the battery that gets you there.
So in your relationship once you've got
your tank full then you have the
opportunity to give it to someone. And
let me just talk about marriage for just
a second. This is the most important
relationship I have here when my time on
this planet the most important
relationship with another human being I
have is my marriage. And, I give in my
marriage because I'm full first so I
asked my spouse what are the top 10
things that you love to do? and what ways
can I show you love? one of the most
important challenges I was
ever issued was this unconditional love
challenge. One of my mentors, Kris Krohn
gave us this challenge in our marriage
and I got to tell you I was in a place
in my marriage when I heard this I was
folding my arms. I'm looking back like, "you just
try and make this marriage better
because right now it stinks". I mean
seriously it was like I had an
appointment for an attorney just walk
this marriage out the door because it
was so hard for me to be in and I had
forgotten who I was. I had forgotten me.
And one of the things that got me out of
that slump in my marriage was this
concept of unconditional love. The
concept of no strings attached, the
concept of if I commit to showing up in
love, A.K.A.
commitment to success for you whether or
not you reciprocate, no matter how long
it does or does not take. That means
there's no timeframe on it that means I
commit to giving all of my earth-years
for it. So here's the challenge, what do
you do to connect with your spouse every
day? I want you to ask these three
questions, take these three action steps
and here's the first one. Ask spouse,
what can I do to show up and love for
you today? and it may be I need you to
into the dishwasher for me, it may be I
need you to walk the dog for me and
maybe I need 15 minutes with you I made
made I need you to cancel all your plans
for day and just focus on me. It could be
anything like that or anything else and
I love where I'm at in my relationship
now because when I ask that question
every morning, This is something I still
do. I was challenged for 30 days and
that's my challenge to you do this for
30 days. I still do this with my spouse
over a year and a half later and you
know what the answer was this morning?
my sweetheart said to me, "you're doing it.
just keep doing it." That was such a
beautiful reminder to me that you have
on the right track. So the first thing is,
what? ask your spouse, what can I do to
show up and love for you today?
and here's set number two. Do it. Do it no
strings attached
and when I say no strings attached I
mean no expectation. And, a lot of times
when I say no expectations this is what
people would hear, no expectation that
they'll appreciate it. But, a lot of times
we'll go into this with an expectation
that they actually won't appreciate it.
Think about that. Have you ever gone into
something and given a gift
with an expectation that it will be
rejected? have you ever offered a service
with the expectation or the thought
nagging the back of your mind that oh I
know they're just going to reject this.
I know they won't appreciate this anyway.
I know that they're going to forget or
not even notice that I did it. That's an
expectation. That's an expectation on the
outcome. I want you to go into this with
no expectations, whatsoever, nothing. Just
giving. Because, what? because you're full
first. Because your happiness is not
contingent upon how they respond.
So give, give with no expectation. No
strings attached which leads me to the third
point. Observe, watch, and see what happens.
And while you're observing, and why
you're watching, I'm gonna invite you to
do this, to do it with gratitude. You know
one of the greatest things I ever
learned was actually gift from my mother.
I called her when during the one of the
hardest times of my life. I'll never
forget I was sweeping my driveway
because we just had this huge nasty oil
spill in my driveway and for some reason
that oil scene represented everything in
my life that wasn't working. I can
remember scrubbing on my hands and knees
on the concrete I made it so hard for
myself to get this oil stain out of the
driveway and I called my mom as I was
watching my kids run around the front
yard you know maybe some of them...
and even half dressed because I was
trying to get their diapers on all at
the same time if you have been any part
of the rat race you know what I'm
talking about when everything just piles
on. And, here I am scrubbing this oil
stain in my driveway. I've got my mom on the
phone with me and I'm just, "mom why is
this so hard?"
talking about the oil stain but really
referring to life. Why is my life so hard?
Why do things stinks so much? why is
everything working against me? my mom and
her all her wisdom replied, "Maryanne that
question has no good answers" and then my
mom's loving words they hit me like a
ton of bricks. What am I asking my
relationships? am I even asking the right
questions?
am I even taking the time to consider
what the great questions are? what are
the right questions? the biggest
roadblock I've seen people come up with
against unconditional I've been giving
unconditional love is fear. Fear that
they'll give and
run out. Fear that they'll give and it
won't be reciprocated. Fear that they'll
give and they'll turn to a doormat I'm
sure you've heard that term before.
Fear is such a horrible reason to do
anything.
Fear will paralyze you. Fear will stop you.
Fear will impede you from everything
you want when you make decisions and ask
questions out of fear you're always
going to get a result that fuels of fear.
So ask questions out of love, ask
yourself this question, "why should I? why
should I show up an unconditional love
with my spouse and myself? what possible
benefits could it bring to me? what
possibilities will open up in my
relationship? what would be possible if I
were to opt into that. To give all of my
energy not just 99% not just 80% not
just 20% but a hundred percent. You see,
no one ever asks someone to marry them
saying I am coming to you asking your
hand in marriage and I commit to giving
99 percent of myself to you, let me just
ask you, if that happened I don't know
about you I probably wouldn't say yes. In
fact, I definitely wouldn't say yes.
99 percent is not good enough for me. I
demand 100 percent and I demand 100
percent of myself and I demand a hundred
percent commitment to my success. So
here's your invitation, take on these
three questions, these three commitments
first. Ask yourself and ask your spouse,
how can I show up and love for you today?
Second, do it with no strings attached
Third, observe with gratitude.
Boom!
There you got it!
unconditional love Marianne bringing the
heat on what you can do to intensify
that in your life. Here's my advice, do
what she say and we'll see you next time
on limitless TV. If you want to see her
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