♪♪
-Welcome, everybody, to "Corrections."
We're back.
We took a week off.
We did not do "Corrections" last week.
We, instead, did a "Specjackular, which was a celebration
[ Laughter ] of the first 50 episodes of "Corrections."
So, last week was not, technically, a "Corrections."
It was a "Specjackular."
If you missed it,
it's available to stream on Peacock.
Although, I have been told, by some people
inside the Peacock infrastructure
that, if you go, it will be a little buggy right now
because so many people are logging on
[ Laughter ] to watch the "Specjackular."
They weren't prepared for the onslaught.
It is -- not going to lie -- it's a little bit hard
to do a regular "Corrections" after a "Specjackular."
[ Laughter ] Bit of a hangover.
[ Laughter ] And, look, sometimes
a hangover is fun and sometimes
it's "Hangover Part III."
[ Laughter ]
I --
A beer koozie is a portmanteau
of beer and cozy.
I said it was a portmanteau
of beer and koozie.
That's obviously wrong.
You look down your nose at something.
You don't look down at your nose at something,
which is what I said, and I was told,
if you do that, you're going to get crossed eyes.
[ Laughter ]
I talked
about Donald Trump thinking that
his favorite participant in "The Hunger Games"
would be Joey Chestnut.
Someone said something --
a jackal said something I think is true --
that Donald Trump would probably call Joey Chestnut
Joey Hot Dog.
[ Laughter ]
And I think that's right.
I think he would think Joey Chestnut
was a guy who won a chestnut eating contest.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, you don't get tested for rabies.
This is very important.
You do not get tested for rabies.
If you get bitten, you get a rabies shot,
out of an abundance of caution.
There's no test for rabies.
But if you leave a comment under a YouTube video,
that's how you know you have it.
[ Laughter ]
The only way to test for rabies is
to cut off the head and examine the brain.
[ Laughter ]
So, if you ever see like a white van
that has the words
"Free rabies test" on it...
[ Laughter ]
...steer clear!
Mm.
So we had, um...
...his picture of
crystal meth coming in four different sizes.
It was a punch line of a joke.
And one you said those are not
four different bags of crystal meth.
That's the same bag scaled down.
[ Laughter ]
Which is true.
Now, we had four different bags,
but we left them out
and they went missing!
[ Laughter ]
They went missing!
And so then I put up a note for the crew...
[ Laughter ]
...that said, "Put them back where they were
and nobody's going to get in trouble."
And then the crew left a note and said,
"We forget what they look like."
[ Laughter ]
So, I put out four more bags and they went missing.
[ Laughter ]
And I don't know who took it.
But I do know...
...that I went to the cue card office...
[ Laughter ]
...which is usually a mess,
and it was super organized.
[ Laughter ]
Someone had taken apart all the Sharpies
and put them back together.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, this is a comment for you guys.
I don't know. This is obviously --
You've spent time on YouTube,
in the YouTube comments section.
Sometimes one of you will write first.
But you're not first.
It's shocking to me how often this happens, because, again, I,
as we've established, a core truth of "Corrections,"
I'm the one who reads all these comments
and one of you will write,
"First!" with an exclamation point, but you're second.
Someone else is first.
And I think what happens is
you realize you're going to be first
and you celebrate a little bit too long.
I think you see it and you're like,
"Ooh hoo hoo hoo!
[ Laughter ]
Look at this! Look at me!"
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Bunk! And you're [bleep] second.
[ Laughter ]
We talked about how
Brian Kilmeade said the worst part
of Donald Trump's presidency was the two months
between the election and the insurrection,
but the problem was we said three months.
And it was pointed out it's actually only two months
between the election and the insurrection.
Ian wrote that joke and I -- I know what he did.
He thought November, December, January -- three months.
I know what he didn't do,
which was check his work.
[ Laughter ]
I said the plural of Batman would be Batmen.
It's Batsmen.
[ Laughter ]
We had -- man, oh, man, did we have some --
We had some really nice cameos in the "Specjackular."
We had a lot of friends of the show
who, you know, we reached out, they sent in videos.
It was really fun to show you.
While I was working on this cameos,
I realized, you know, there's that app, Cameo,
where you can get celebrities to make a video for you.
And I'm not going to say who,
but there was a former mayor who was on Cameo,
and I felt pretty confident I could trick that mayor
into making a video for the "Specjackular."
What I would do is write this former mayor --
not going to say who -- and I would say,
"Hey, former Mayor [insert name there],
man, those jackals in the press
sure give you a hard time.
I got a lot of jackals giving me trouble at work.
Would you record a video saying your name
and saying, "Don't let the jackals get you down"?
And I would trick that former mayor
into participating in the "Specjackular."
But, unfortunately, that former mayor,
I think he might be --
and, again, I'm not going to name names --
I think he might be in some legal trouble.
[ Laughter ]
He's currently not making Cameos.
That was a lost opportunity.
And I know some of you may be thinking, "Oh!
I wish you hadn't said anything.
Now you won't be able to do it."
Oh, I think I can still trick him.
[ Laughter ] Or her.
This is a coincidence.
This is not a segue that was planned.
We had a joke about Rudy Giuliani
and I said that he...
[ Laughter ]
...he looked like an animal in the reptile house,
but then we showed a frog and a bunch of you said,
"That's an amphibian."
Sal would like you to know he knew that,
but he felt he couldn't sacrifice the comedy inherent
in the words reptile house.
[ Laughter ] It's always a little disappointing that it's not --
It feels like monkey -- Is it monkeys and reptiles
are the only ones in the zoo who get houses?
Right?
Here's what I'm saying.
You want people to come to your zoo?
Make it look like a tiny house.
Don't make it just look like another part of the zoo
that's got a roof on it.
Make it look like a suburban home
and just let the reptiles run.
[ Laughter ]
Or maybe you hate having people come to your zoo.
Speaking of animals,
we had a joke about
kids playing with a bobcat
and we played audio.
Very surprising -- more than one of you said,
"That's not a bobcat. That's a mountain lion."
And you got us dead to rights.
We went. We reached out.
We tried to cast a bobcat.
[ Laughter ]
We work with one of the best animal talent agents
in New York City.
And it was not -- The best we could do is we got --
this is the mountain lion we got...
[ Laughter ] And --
And so, [indistinct] Reggie
and, if you can see, though,
the reason we --
I don't know if we'll be able to pop in on this,
but we have his
acting résumé right here.
But it says that, special skills and interests,
he did say, "Great at improv. Some guitar.
[ Laughter ] Chasing down and killing prey.
Good with dialects -- French, Bobcat,
[ Laughter ] and Borat voice.
[ Laughter ]
So.
Ol' Reggie Cantrell.
Supposedly good to work with.
[ Laughter ]
Because we get him in the booth.
I guess they say the hardest part is
getting the headphones on.
[ Laughter ] Because they're not used
to hearing their own voice.
[ Laughter ]
But I called up the audio guy today and I was like,
"How was -- How is Reggie?"
And he's in the hospital.
[ Laughter ]
Talked about having one --
like the lifeguard had one Wordle guess left
and then we put this up and everybody's like,
"That's not his last guess
and also, the letters above aren't right
and this is bad Wordle. [ Mumbles ]" So, anyway.
[ Laughter ] Pbbbt!
So I went down to graphics and I'm like, "Guys!
What's up? Do you not play Wordle?"
And they were like, "No."
I was like, "Why not?" And they're like,
"Everyone who plays it is an insufferable dork."
[ Laughter ] And I was like, "I play it."
And then -- Again, I don't like to be the guy who does this.
They work for me.
[ Laughter ] And I said, "Hey! I play it."
And they just went like this. They went,
"Oh, we know."
[ Laughter ] And then close the door so slow.
They were like --
[ Laughter and applause ]
Everybody was upset that Samberg was not in the "Specjackular."
Here's the thing.
I don't know if he's going to answer
and I wanted the "Specjackular" --
I wanted a semblance of control and I feel like
it's ha ha funny when he doesn't answer,
when we're doing a "Corrections,"
but a "Corrections" is not a "Specjackular."
We've established they're two very different things.
And like for big moments, you don't want to risk
the person not being there, you know?
If they called up to Neil Armstrong
after the moon landing, they're like --
[ Transatlantic accent ] We've got the president,
would like to say hello.
And they're like, "Oh, well, we'd love to talk
to the president," and then you just heard like
[ As line ringing ] pbbbrrrp.
[ Laughter ]
Pbbbrrrp.
[ Laughter ]
Pbbbrrrp.
[ Laughter ]
Pbbbrrrp.
Pbbbrrrp. [ Laughter ]
"We're real sorry, Neil.
I don't think he's here."
[ Laughter ]
Um...
We'll try him today, though.
Been a while since I've called him.
[ Ring ]
[ Ring ] He probably doesn't even know
there was a "Specjackular." [ Ring ]
Or how many episodes we've even done.
[ Ring ] He's not going to answer.
See? This is it. Do you guys like this?
[ Ring ] You're like, "Why wasn't Andy there?"
Because he's a bad friend.
[ Ring ] [ Laughter ]
[ Ring ] Alright.
I'll leave the ringer on.
He's not a bad friend.
Okay.
I said that Paul Revere said, "The British are coming."
He did not say that. At the time,
everybody considered themselves British.
That would not have been a helpful thing to say.
That would've been like the dogs asking,
"Who let the dogs out?"
[ Laughter ]
But he probably said, "The regulars are coming,"
which is --
The regulars are coming.
"The regulars are coming! The regulars!"
That's awful, but I guess that's what he said.
Also, I mentioned the poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
and a couple of you said, "It's Wordsworth."
It's not Wordsworth. It's Wadsworth.
There was Williams Wordsworth.
William Wordsworth was a poet, first,
and then there was Henry -- It was Wordsworth.
It was Henry Wordsworth Longfellow,
but in the poetry union,
like you can't have the same name.
[ Laughter ]
It's like a guild.
They went to him like, "We already have a Wordsworth.
You got to come up with something best."
And, because he was a poet
and he had a way with language,
he said, "Wadsworth."
[ Laughter ]
So, we joked about the fact
that the reason Paul Revere is the famous one,
instead of Prescott or William Dawes,
the other two riders, is that his name
had a better rhyme scheme, you know?
Revere is -- you got that "ear" sound.
Lot of words in there.
So,
turns out, I'm not the first person to make this observation.
Turns out, in 1896,
a woman named Helen F. Moore wrote a poem called
"The Midnight Ride of William Dawes,"
which was 100 years after our friend Longfellow,
and it begins, "I am a wandering, bitter shade,
Never of me was a hero made;
Poets have never sung my praise,
Nobody crowned my brow with bays;
And if you ask me the fatal cause,
I answer only, "My name was Dawes."
It finishes -- "History rings with" the --
"History rings with his silvery name;
Closed to me are the portals of fame.
Had he been Dawes and I Revere,
No one had heard of him, I fear.
No one has heard of me because
He was Revere and I was Dawes."
That is "The Midnight Ride of William Dawes,"
by Helen F. Moore,
of whom very little is known about Helen F. Moore.
But scholars believe the F stands for
"[bleep] Paul Revere."
[ Laughter ]
Um -- Sorry.
If anybody's -- he is open, if anybody's casting.
[ Laughter ]
You guys, this is -- We're off and running, they say.
And --
Oh, we're about to take a two-week hiatus
and that means see me in three weeks.