'Can I show you around?'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Let’s get out there and kick some ass!’
We’re looking at 1988’s Space Mutiny.
‘What took you so long?’
So that’s like a mutiny, but in space, you need that qualifier,
‘Can I have your space status card please’
‘You let that space bitch slip through our fingers.’
‘Take a chair.’
I think you mean space chair.
What you said is meaningless.
The film is best known for its appearance on Mystery Science Theatre 3000
which gave us the many names of Reb Brown.
'Ridge Large Meat.' 'Hans Speed Junk' 'Butch Deadlift'
'Flint Iornstag' 'Bolt Vander Huge' 'Punch Rock Groin'
'Buck Plank Chest' 'Stunk Chunkman' 'Dirk Hard Peck'
and Cameron Mitchell as Santa Claus.
But enough of other people’s jokes, we start on a Starship called the Southern Sun,
from the outside its Battlestar Galactica,
inside they’ve perfected the awkward keyboard.
Commander Jansen and his daughter Lea await the arrival of Professor Spooner.
‘You know the professor taught me everything I know.’
As the movie goes on, you’ll realise what an insignificant achievement that was.
But his ship has been attacked by Cylons.
'We have fighters coming up fast on our tale.'
I mean space pirates.
Seriously, every exterior is from Battlestar Galactica.
Pilot Dave Ryder brings the professor in, but…
'We lost power!'
What happened?
The Southern Sun’s guidance system was sabotaged by its mutinous Enforcer.
‘Commander Calgon, can I help you.’
He may be evil but his washing machine lasts longer.
‘Washing machines live longer with Calgon.’
Oh, don’t call your golf cart Enforcer.
Fortunately Ryder was able to beam out,
'Medical team standing by.'
leaving the professor to burn.
‘Commander, I'm sorry about the professor. There’s nothing I could have done. The system’s only hooked up to the viper pilots’
‘Don’t blame yourself’
He didn’t.
'This place will serve our purpose.'
Also onboard is a party of Belarians.
Who I’m sure will serve a purpose beyond sexy dancing,
which is an essential part of their religion.
Meanwhile Calgon’s band are making plans to take control of the ship.
‘This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report.’
But someone has found out.
‘According to my printout from the supply store's inventory we are definitely short on conventional holistic explosives.’
‘For the sake of security I think it would be better if you came up here and asked for me.’
Yeah, come up to the bridge. I don’t know why we even have all this high tech equipment.
And you can guess what happens next.
But I’m sure Lieutenant Lamont, will report their conversation and the fact that he never showed up,
maybe after she goes clubbing.
‘That is my business’
‘But now I’m making it mine’
Maybe not.
Ryder and Lea are first on the scene and it’s time for a high speed chase.
‘There they go’
or at least a chase.
'Let's take this.'
Oh yeah don’t forget the crash helmets, you’ll need them.
After an exciting chase between two floor polishers armed with toilet roll bazookas,
they lose Calgon and seem to get lost.
‘I don’t know what’s going on in this ship.’
I have a theory this is like a fantasy quest, set on a spaceship,
so we have magic,
the larger than life bag guy.
‘And the rest of those idiots on the bridge, who have scored my offer of a more rewarding future’
and eccentric characters for our heroes to meet on their quest.
‘Can I help you?’
‘Yes you can. We’re looking for the enforcers headquarters’
It’s another classic Dark Corners break-out character, the man with the cling filmed corpses.
‘A personal collection’
How is he just in one scene?
‘Would you care for a spot of tea?’
We will remember him.
Elsewhere, Jansen and Captain Devers meet to… Wait, isn’t that the dead girl?
Wow, she goes to all the trouble to coming back to life and still doesn’t report the prospective mutiny.
Anyway Jansen and Devers meet.
'I got the reviews.'
These reviews are terrible.
They’re trying to figure out what’s going on.
‘We have to find out who’s behind this. Any ideas Captain’
I can’t think of anyone suspicious on board.
#evil music#
One of many shots in which you can clearly see the spaceship’s windows letting the daylight in.
Calgon is replaced by Ryder and the crew celebrates.
If you forget your uniform you go on duty in your pants.
But for some reason, no one makes any effort to round up Calgon and his fellow mutineers,
'Lovely spot isn't it.'
so he’s just able to wander into the greenhouse to kidnap Lea and hold her to ransom.
‘I have something to show you’
What was she doing down there?
'surrender the bridge.'
Finish what you started.
What no one ever says in this movie is that Calgon has been able to assemble his own personal army,
killing anyone who gets in his way, without anyone noticing until it’s too late.
It’s a big ship, but Jansen was clearly asleep as the wheel.
‘I feel like I failed’
I would go with that feeling.
But he’s paying for it as Calgon tortures his daughter.
‘It works not unlike ancient dental equipment. Not that you’d know anything about that’
Your knowledge of ancient dentistry is pitiful!
And it’s Ryder to the rescue, running everywhere,
Screaming...
‘Arrrgh!’
and shooting people in the crotch.
Before the epic finish.
Why would these things need ladders on the back?
What an odd sized explosion.
As a story this is totally incoherent; the Belarians play no role.
‘One cannot escape one’s own destiny’
The space pirates are just there to use more Galactica footage
and neither side has anything approaching a lucid plan.
‘I’m surrounded by incompetents!’
On the other hand it leads cinema in Reb Brown shouting unnecessarily.
‘Ahh!’ ‘Shit! Son of a bitch!’ ‘Move!’ ‘Lea y’laright!’
embarrassing dancing...
and, of course, railing deaths.
Why, I can’t wait for the sequel.
Thanks for watching. Don’t forget to order your Dark Corners T shirt, there’s a link in the description below.
Calgon is played by John Philip Law of Barbarella, Sinbad and Danger, Diabolik.
That’s a diverse CV, what cult stars have managed to avoid typecasting.
Let us know in the comments below.
'Now thank you for calling, do call again.'