- [Host] Have any of you sick freaks tried to find me
on a dating app?
Well, you're in frigging luck because I'm about to show you.
We're here with some of our newer cast members
Angela and Chanse.
Courtney's also here.
- [Courtney] Ugh.
(Chance and Angela laughing)
- And we thought it would be fun today to share
with each other and you, our dating profiles.
It's very vulnerable, this is very real.
We spend a lot of time crafting these, you know?
- [Host] I know we've talked about
how much effort we put into our dating profiles.
- [Chanse] I'll say it now. I need help.
- [Host] Really?
- [Chanse] Yeah.
- Like, improving your dating app or?
- Yes! Absolutely!
- [Host] Okay. - Okay. Okay.
- Absolutely. It's not working.
- Which is why I've crafted mine to be very authentic.
- [Chanse] Yeah.
- [Host] Very genuine. It is who I am 100%.
(People laughing in the background)
- This is gonna be helpful because I'm one of those bitches
who's new to the apps.
- [Person Offscreen] Uh huh. Yeah.
(people laughing)
- [Courtney] I specifically, with my dating apps,
I try to fish out the red flags.
- Red flag, like, if they're holding a fish, obviously.
Like-
- Yeah.
- It's probably a no-go.
- It's a no go
- So, what's that mean?
- Well, it means they fish, right?
- I provide for you.
- Yeah. They decided to-
- Yeah, I'm trying to get some trout.
(everyone laughing)
- I mean, yeah, I guess it depends on the fish.
- And the side...
(everyone laughing)
- So, this is a picture that I have on my dating apps.
I use this across all of the apps.
So, you know, it's a flip on what Chanse
was saying, you know?
A lot of guys have photos of them holding a fish.
I noticed that and I was like,
you know, I'm gonna change that
and I'm gonna have a fish holding me.
- There's a fish holding you, dude.
- And you know what?
Instead of Shane Top, it's giving Shane Bottom.
- Yeah!
(people laughing) (Courtney clapping)
- [Angela] Huge!
- That's huge.
- What's funny about this is that this is real.
(people laughing in the background)
- No, it's not.
- Really?
- This is 100% real. This actually-
- You're joking!
- Happened.
So, I was in
(people snickering)
Boca Raton.
(people laughing in the background)
So, my car broke down and I actually,
I tried to get outta my Prius and I got tangled
up in some weeds on the side of the road.
There was a lot of kudzu and I was stuck there
for a whole day and suddenly,
a man came by and I was like,
"Help! Like, get me outta here!"
And he grabbed me, he was massive.
This is a massive man.
He was at least six two.
- Wow.
(everyone laughing)
- And that's how I met Mike Trout.
Apparently he is
(person laughing in the background)
a famous baseball player.
(people laughing in the background)
- Oh.
- Who snapped the pic?
- Oh, so it's kind of like a celebrity picture? Like-
- It's kinda a celebrity picture.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- That's smart.
- Two birds, one stone
We to this day do not know who took the photo.
We, we both got mailed it.
- Yeah.
- Okay. So this is the picture
I've used.
- Okay. Oh my god.
Angela oh
- You look skinny.
- Angela
- You look so skinny.
- [Host] I didn't realize you were...
- Thank you that's what I'm leading with
- Is this one of those marijuana awareness commercials?
(everyone laughs)
- Who is the guy?
Why is he touching you like that?
- Yeah
- This was a non-union commercial I did
about marijuana awareness and I wanna show that I like work
and I thought it would be cool to just like lead
with like, I'm successful, I work.
- Yeah.
- On this specific commercial,
they flattened me like a pancake.
- You look snatched.
I mean you're skinty legend right here
- Your little baby forearms.
- Absolutely, look at how small those are
- And listen, I love all bodies, all sizes
but I thought there was something really funny
sexy and quirky about being flat.
Like a pancake, cardboard piece of paper.
- Yeah.
- On the many, many dates that you went on.
I'm sure.
Were people confused when they saw you
in person that you were like 3D?
(Laughter)
- I'm thinking that that pic maybe isn't like
attractive enough in a weird sense
cuz I'm like a piece of paper in it.
- Sure.
Yeah. I feel like men like things just coming
0ut at them.
- What I will say
- This is me.
- Wow. I...you look great.
- Like I said, if you can't ex-
if you can't handle me at my worst,
you don't deserve me my best.
This is simply me without makeup on.
- Yeah, your lips look full.
- Yeah. I actually use anti lip plumping gloss
- Yummers
- [Host] Yumzers
- Yumzers
- Oh
- That's a good looking pizza
- with an emoji, which science-
- Doesn't that pizza look good?
- I'll say the
- If most men had that instead of a fish pic, I would be in.
- Do you have any photos-
Do you have any photos of yourself?
- My hands are in one with a burger.
- Is there a reason that you don't include your face
in any of the photos?
- I just think that like
I'm giving you pictures of like what's in my head.
Right. I'm giving pictures of what, what I see.
- Yeah, it's personality.
- Its personality
- So when you close your eyes, you see pizza?
- Yeah.
- How do people react when they meet you
in person and they finally see your face?
- Oh, they're usually like
(Chanse throws a double thumbs up and smile)
- You're meeting other bots and you're a bot.
- I think that's what's happening
- Top of the morning to you.
It'd be a shayne if we didn't match with each other.
- Shayne with a smiley face.
- So I threw out a couple puns there.
So my last name is Top.
So I did a whole little Irish thing.
I am half Irish so that's why-
- You are?
- That's why half of the bio has that little Irish thing.
And then it'd be obviously like that's a play on...
it'd be a shame if we didn't match with each other.
But I used my name.
I used my name
- You used your name, yeah
- I use my name.
- Can you talk about the the smiley face?
- Yeah let's talk about the landing.
- So I think emojis don't work, research has shown that.
So I like to use traditional, you know, a-a colon
and a parenthesis is just, it's just, it's classic.
- And you're so right because I did forget about
that huge study they released about emojis not working.
- Yeah, emojis don't work.
- Here's my bio.
Listen buddy, let's make one thing clear.
I do, I don't need to like you to have sex with you.
What I love is calling; leading with buddy.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- It's immediately giving friend.
- No, no.
It just drop it like, it like drops any of the walls
and it's like, hey bud, here we are in the deep sea of apps.
What's up?
Let's make it clear.
I don't need to like you to have sex with you.
- [Angela] I think that's me being like
F*** off in like a really hot, inviting way.
- I love this because it kind of takes the pressure
off them of feeling like they need to do all this stuff.
So you might actually get a more authentic
maybe even better version of this person.
And you're also showing that you're sex positive.
- Yeah
- I was gonna say though, that that could probably
get you a lot of luck because a lot of guys are
Sopranos fans and that feels
like that was Ghost written by James Gandolfini
- And he's my dad problem.
- All right, this is my bio coutrbney
(Laughter)
- So you spent a long time working on that because-
- This is heavily curated Courtney
- Yes. Coutrbney
- It says your name right there
and then right below it in your bio.
- [Courtney] Yeah
- It's just a misspelling of your name.
- Yes.
- If I saw this, I would think
that you just thought it was another place to put your name
and you just misspelled it.
- I would assume you are 65 years old.
- Yeah, yeah
- So this is my bio, doggo enthusiast, fluent in sarcasm
Dwight sun, Pam Moon, Stanley rising
#Hufflepuff
- Wow, Wow.
- And you know what I thought I'd cover here?
Just like all the basics, you know
like what Harry Potter house am I in?
#Hufflepuff
It lets them know exactly who I am.
Stanley rising, I appear like standoffish.
I appear...I appear cold.
Pam Moon, I'm funny deep down.
And I'll get my work done at my little desk.
Dwight sun, I'm extroverted, I'm out there.
I'm doing it right?
I'm fluent in sarcasm, so like maybe I'm not, or whatever
you know what I mean? I'm funny.
Dog enthusiast, I like dogs
- You just thoroughly, legitimately explained this.
So we now know this is actually true.
- I have two pet peeves, dog enthusiasts, but doggo
enthusiast really gets me.
- Gets you good.
- And the lowercase gets you too
- No, gets me bad
Yeah
- Yeah, I get a lot of like people who are like
oh I love a pupper, you know?
- Oh good.
It's like, oh my gosh, I'm a gym, I'm a Jim moon.
We go together perfectly.
- Oh
- Oh, cute.
- You know?
- So those are the people you're trying to seek out.
- Yeah, exactly, it's like, oh, I'm also #Hufflepuff.
I'm caring and then...
- So then you sit down with them and you're not, you're not
- That's what they text me
and then I meet them in person and they suck.
Oh, they all suck.
- So this is like a prompt, you know, like Hinge gives you
like prompts like a question and an answer.
So this is one of those prompts.
Worst fad I've ever participated in.
Frosted tits
- What's, what's that
(Laughter)
- Yeah, so it it, it did, it was,
it was a fad that didn't last that long.
Basically you'd fill a small tub with bleach
and you would plank on top of it and try to just
have your nipples get into
- What color did they turn?
- Like a frosty color.
Now that obviously didn't work
so I then did just spray white.
Like, you know how they have that like snow spray
that you can get in the holidays?
I would just like wake up in the morning, just
(Spray noises through mouth)
- Witness me.
- Yeah
- That's good.
- Here's my prompt.
Let's make sure we're on the same page about dot dot dot
How good it feels to take a big stinky dump.
- Okay
- Angela.
- So my Dad James Gandolfini also help with this one.
- Wow. So you're being funny here.
You're being funny?
- Yeah, so this is a joke
(Laughter)
- Huh?
- Huh...Interesting. It doesn't read like that.
- No
- It, it's great for you
but why do they need to know about your big stinky dumps?
- I'm also curious, who are you marketing to?
Are you hoping to find someone who specifically
also enjoys big stinky dumps?
- Right.
- But you also said it's a joke.
So do you not care?
- I think what I wanna be clear
about is like how, like that I don't give a f***
- That is clear, that's clear
- Is that clear from big stinky dump?
- [Courtney] It's very clear, very clear.
So this is the prompt.
This is a shower thought I had.
It's an audio bit.
- Oh, okay.
Interesting.
(Loud, deep burping)
- [Host] You were really curating
that one for a long time.
- Yeah. What really got me was the breath at the end.
- Yeah
- Yeah, the breath.
Can we hear it again?
- Yeah, could we play it back?
- Beautiful effects
(Loud, deep burping)
- Listen for the breath.
(stifled laughter)
- I had to take a breath at the end cause it was a lot
- That sounds exactly like-
- It's clear to live
Oh
- What the hell do people say to this?
- Yeah
- They go damn that's an impressive thro- bro- throat
(Everyone laughs)
- Sick. So this is about how big your throat is?
- So this is a prompt that I have,
a shower thought I had recently, I just lost the game.
- Wow.
- And an emoji.
- You guys remember the game?
Cause you all just lost Probably.
- We all just lost the game.
- You all just lost probably if you just thought about it.
- No joke,
just pissed a lot of people off watching this video.
- Right? Wow.
- So I When did you make this dating profile?
- I dunno, I've had it, I had it in high school but
- Yours does feel like it was written
by an AI that was given the internet in 2011.
So I said, are you natural sunlight
because you've ripened my banana and then they unmatched.
And I think, you know, sometimes it's
that's a difficult thing with being extremely smart
and and attractive is that sometimes people are intimidated.
- Oh, do you think this person was intimidated?
- I think, I think they saw, you know
they probably matched with me going, oh my gosh.
Like, I don't know if this person's outta my league.
And then I throw this
at them and they go, oh my gosh, I'd to, it is so clever.
- I'd like to dive into the joke a little bit.
- Please do it.
- Ripened my banana?
- because natural sunlight ripens bananas and my banana
- So what does that mean in terms of your penis?
- Like Yes
- it's getting brown?
- Yes
- You're getting soft? It's getting mushy?
- You're making my dick soft
- like I would unmatch too.
(People talking over each other)
- [Host] It's, well, no, when, when bananas get ripe,
they get, they that's how, that's them
when they get yellow and and strong, Right?
- Maybe it should be, Hey, are you the grocer who put me
out too early because my bananas really hard.
- Hard.
- That's good Angela.
- Home run.
- Thank you.
- Do you wanna grab drinks?
And I said, I said, I said, I said, sorry I can't
I have to lube up my dog's penis and-
- Is your dog unwell?
- What?
- My dog had surgery on his peen
This is the real story.
- This is real I got this text from you
- Real what?
- No, this is a real thing that I actually have to
do every morning.
He had a tumor on his wiener
and the vet came out and she was like
the procedure was great cause she had to get the thing
out and she was like, the procedure went great
but we don't have enough skin to close him up.
And I was like, oh no, what happens?
And she goes
he's just gonna be kind of sticking out sometimes.
And I was like, okay.
And she goes, you just have to like, kind of lube him up.
And I was like, for how long?
And she was like, for the rest of his life.
- Do, do matches always message you when you are
specifically luing up your dog, dog's d***
I just want, do they ever
do they ever message you at any other time?
- You'd be surprised how much this happens.
I'm like, uh oh, my hands are busy.
They have dog lube on them.
I can't respond back voice to text.
I can't grab drinks tonight.
I'm lubing up my dog d***
- So brave and strong.
- Irma Guard, you're a heckin cutie uwu
And then they said, what you doing tonight?
See, it worked already.
I got 'em.
- I found your people got the hook.
Okay. I'm already getting all the feels.
- Oh my God.
- What happened after that?
They unmatched me.
- This would've worked on me in 2011.
- Maybe this is like a nostalgia thing for you.
You're like trying to bring us back.
- So have, were a lot of messages like this
or were there other people?
Like did, were you always initiating
- I'm not always initiating.
Some people are like, oh, oh, oh, oh my gosh.
Well, they're like, er mcg.
I love ru too.
- Wow.
So there are people like this on the internet.
I'm surprised we're all single.
- Yeah.
- And I said, I love grooming.
- What?
- And they said what?
I said, sorry, I hit send too early.
I love grooming my beloveds with my tongue.
- Yeah. You okay?
First question, what is your beloved?
- My beloved like, like my dearly beloved
like the people that I love.
- Okay.
- They'd beloved by me and I love them.
So they, I love my, they're my beloved and I groom them
with my tongue.
I always hope they'd be like, that's hot.
Send pics.
And then I'd send a pic of just my tongue.
- Oh. Huh.
- Wow. So this whole thing's about your mouth.
- Yeah. I'm demonstrating my power.
- Wow. Mm, Huh.
- Are you learning a lot about me, Shane?
- I just didn't expect this.
This is fascinating.
I didn't think I'd be more surprised than someone
lubing their dog's penis.
But boy you really took it to...
- Why are we comparing women?
- Yeah. You know?
Yeah. Well, mine wasn't nearly as bad.
Well, you know
let us know whose dating profile you think was the best.
And also let us know who else you'd like to see
in these chairs sharing their dating profiles.
Because everyone here has one and yeah, that's it.
- Swipe right.
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- Make sure swipe right on that subscribe button.
That that won't work, but you know, press it.
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See you later.