( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HAPPY FRIDAY!
HAPPY FRIDAY.
LOVE YOU ALL OUT THERE.
>> Stephen: JON, I'LL TELL YOU--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: LOVE YOU ALL.
>> Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
JON YOU KNOW WHO IS HERE TONIGHT, THE ONE, THE ONLY THE
MULTITALENTED, THE DYNAMIC DYNAMO HIMSELF, MR. KEVIN HART
IS HERE.
>> Jon: LIVING LEGEND.
>> Stephen: BIG STAR.
THAT'S AN HONEST TO GOD HUGE STAR.
>> Jon: DOES STANDUP IN STADIUMS.
>> Stephen: 55,000 PEOPLE.
>> Jon: BY YOURSELF ON STAGE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS MORE THAN THIS.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: BUT VIEWERS AT HEME, THOUGH.
WE HAVE VIEWERS AT HOME.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE VIEWERS AT HOME.
THAT'S TRUE.
WE HAVE LIKE... TWICE THIS MUCH.
FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, TENDERLY
CLIPPING THE NEWSIEST, MOST FRAGRANT TEA-LEAF BUDS OF THE
DAY, GINGERLY LAYING THEM TO DRY BY THE LIGHT OF THE
ROSY-FINGERED DAWN, PAINSTAKINGLY STEEPING THEM TO
PERFECTION IN THE MOST TOPICAL OF FRESH WATER GATHERED FROM THE
NATION'S NEWS RESERVOIR, BEFORE CEREMONIOUSLY SERVING TO YOU THE
ANTIOXIDANT-RICH ELIXIR OF BESPOKE TEA SHAN THAT IS MY
NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AFTER A BENDER ON ABSINTHE AND
MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED, I SWEAT MYSELF AWAKE HOVERED OVER A VAT
OF BLISTERING SEWER RUNOFF.
I ADD TO THE GURGLING POT OF NIGHTMARES WHATEVER THE VOICES
DEMAND: SCRAPS OF WET TRASHCAN LETTUCE AND BAND-AIDS FROM THE
COMMUNITY POOL.
THEN, USING AN OLD GYM SOCK I FOUND AT THE HOBOKEN Y.M.C.A., I
STRAIN IT ALL INTO A DISUSED GASOLINE CANISTER TO OFFER YOU
THE SCALDING-HOT DEMENTED DEMON TONIC OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
THIS RIGHT HERE.
IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
MEANWHILE, ON SATURDAY, MICHIGAN COACH "JIM HARBAUGH'S PANTS
CAUGHT FIRE DURING THE MICHIGAN-PENN STATE GAME."
HAPPENS ALL TOO OFTEN.
THAT'S WHY THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO BE READY TO PUT THE COACHES OUT.
APPARENTLY, HARBAUGH STOOD TOO CLOSE TO A SPACE HEATER, WHICH
CAUSED THE FIRE, AND HE DESCRIBED THE MOMENT IN AN
INTERVIEW.
>> ALL OF THE SUDDEN, DAYLEN BALDWIN SAID, "COACH, YOUR PANTS
ARE ON FIRE."
AND I GO, "HUH?"
"YOUR PANTS ARE ON FIRE."
I LOOK DOWN AND OH, MY GOSH, MY PANTS ARE ON FIRE.
SO, MADE A LITTLE COACHING POINT TO DAYLEN BALDWIN: IF SOMEBODY'S
ON FIRE, MAN, LIKE, "HEY, COACH!"
>> Stephen: NOW, TO BE FAIR, THAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYER
ISN'T BEING PAID TO BE A FIREMAN...
OR A FOOTBALL PLAYER.
( APPLAUSE )
JUST RODE HORSES TO A McDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU.
"YEAH, I'LL TAKE A NUMBER FOUR WITH A SMALL COKE AND 1,500 OF
THOSE LITTLE APPLE SLICES."
( LAUGHTER )
CYBERJAYA, A CITY IN WESTERN MALAYSIA, KNOWN AS THE
COUNTRY'S VERSION OF SILICON VALLEY.
SO, NO MATTER WHAT COUNTRY YOU'RE IN, SILICON VALLEY BROS
ARE EXHAUSTING.
( LAUGHTER )
AGAIN, BECAUSE "GEN Z HAS DECLARED BLOND HAIR AS
'CHEUGY.'" AND A-LISTERS SUCH AS GIGI
HADID, FLORENCE PUGH, AND HAILEY BIEBER HAVE DITCHED THEIR
STRAW-COLORED 'DOS AND GONE BRUNETTE.
AND THEY LOOK PRETTY COOL DOING IT.
BUT, OF COURSE, TRUE GEN Z STYLE ICONS WERE BRUNETTE ALL ALONG
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CATCH MY DRIP, FAM!
I'M A BOP, T.B.H!
( LAUGHTER )
DRAPES?
( LAUGHTER )
I WON'T TELL YOU.
MEANWHILE-- THEY'RE HARD WOOD FLOORS.
MEANWHILE--
BELOVED--
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BE IN COMEDY.
MEANWHILE, BELOVED CAST MEMBER FROM "THE OFFICE," B.J. NOVAK,
HAS A FACE.
THERE IT IS.
WELL, NOW THAT FACE IS ON PRODUCTS WORLDWIDE, AND HE'S
NOT SURE WHY.
PEOPLE STEALING CELEBRITIES' FACES TO SELL STUFF IS VERY
COMMON.
AND THIS IS TRUE.
A FEW YEARS AGO, AN IRANIAN CLOTHING COMPANY USED MY IMAGE
TO SELL SUITS.
I NEVER SHOULD'VE DONE THAT STOCK PHOTO GIG IN TEHRAN, BUT I
WAS YOUNG AND HUNGRY, AND THEY PAID IN PISTACHIOS.
BUT B.J.'S IS BEING USED TO PUSH ALL KINDS OF WEIRD STUFF, LIKE
THIS LINE OF URUGUAYAN FLAG FACE PAINT, THESE ELECTRIC RAZORS,
AND THESE EUROPEAN KNEE-LENGTH PONCHOS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, I WILL SAY THIS: "KNEE" IS THE PERFECT LENGTH FOR PONCHOS:
NOT TOO LONG, NOT TOO SHORT, BUT YOU STILL FEEL LIKE YOU'RE
WEARING A HOT, WET GARBAGE BAG.
AND YOU'LL NOTICE IT'S THE SAME PHOTO OF NOVAK ON ALL THESE
PRODUCTS.
THAT'S BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, SOMEONE UPLOADED IT TO A WEBSITE
WHERE IT BECAME PART OF THE PUBLIC DOMAIN.
AND IT'S THE INTERNET, SO IT SPREAD OUT OF CONTROL.
NORMALLY, AN IMAGE DOESN'T ENTER PUBLIC DOMAIN FOR 120 YEARS.
THAT'S WHY, IN 2020, THE HOTTEST PRODUCT WAS THE BIG BILL
McKINLEY AIR FRYER.
( LAUGHTER )
ASSASSINATE YOU FOR IT!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KEVIN HART.
♪ ♪ ♪