>> Stephen: LET'S IT.
OKAY, LET'S DO IT.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR YOUR BURST OF ENERGY.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HEY, DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER MICHAEL FLYNN?
IT'S BEEN A LONG, STRANGE SAGA, SO LET ME CATCH YOU UP.
JIM?
>> PREVIOUSLY ON "MICHAEL FLYNN":
>> MICHAEL FLYNN RESIGNING AFTER THE SHORTEST TENURE EVER IN THAT
POST.
>> RETIRED GENERAL MICHAEL FLYNN PLEADED GUILTY TODAY TO LYING TO
THE F.B.I.
>> FLYNN'S ATTORNEYS TONIGHT FILING A MOTION TO WITHDRAW HIS
GUILTY PLEA.
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MICHAEL FLYNN STORY, THE JUDGE PROCEED
WITH POSSIBLE PROSECUTION.
>> DON'T YOU EVER GO AFTER MY ( BLEEP ) HUSBAND!" AND NOW
TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF "MICHAEL FLYNN."
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "MICHAEL FLYNN," WHERE, JUST LIKE EVERY
FLYNN," WHERE, JUST LIKE EVERY PRESTIGE DRAMA THESE DAYS, WE'RE
NOT AFRAID TO KILL OFF BELOVED, CHARACTERS, BECAUSE IN THIS
EPISODE, WE'RE BUMPING OFF LADY JUSTICE.
THIS MORNING, A FEDERAL APPEALS COURT ORDERED THE THE JUDGE TO
DISMISS THE CRIMINAL CASE AGAINST MICHAEL FLYNN.
WELL I'M SURE HE LEARNED HIS LESSON: THAT RICH, WELL-
CONNECTED PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO LEARN LESSONS.
THE ORDER TO DISMISS THE CASE WITHOUT REVIEW IS CALLED A "WRIT
OF MANDAMUS," WHICH IS ALSO THE NAME OF A POORLY RECEIVED HARRY
POTTER COURTROOM NOVEL.
( AS HARRY POTTER )
THIS COMES EVEN THOUGH MICHAEL FLYNN ALREADY TWICE PLEADED
GUILTY OF LYING TO THE FBI.
BUT, IN THE END, IT WAS JUST A CASE OF "HE SAID..."
THAT HE DID IT, TWICE.
AMD THE WHOLE THING FEELS FISHY.
THE TWO JUDGES WHO RULED IN FLYNN'S FAVOR HAVE A HISTORY OF
SEEING EYE-TO-EYE WITH THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.
AND ONE OF THEM, JUDGE NEOMI RAO, IS A FORMER WHITE
HOUSE OFFICIAL WHOM TRUMP APPOINTED TO THE APPEALS COURT
LAST YEAR.
LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING SHE'S IN TRUMP'S POCKET, BUT I WAS
SUSPICIOUS WHEN SHE GAVE THAT RAMP THE DEATH PENALTY.
THIS RULING MEANS THE POLITICIZATION OF THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT HAS SUNK TO NE LOWS.
BUT I GUESS WE SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED THAT.
AFTER ALL, IT IS LITERALLY RUN BY A LOW BARR.
SO CONGRATULATIONS, MICHAEL FLYNN.
YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK.
YOU CAN NOW GO BACK TO YOUR DAY JOB OF PEDDLING INFLUENCE TO
FOREIGN POWERS FOR CASH.
TURNS OUT, TRUMP'S RIGHT: AND MAYBE TOO FAST, BECAUSE THE
CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC IS NOWHERE NEAR OVER.
ONE SURE SIGN: I'M STILL BROADCASTING FROM MY DEN WITH
JACKSON BROWNE'S HAIRCUT.
SAY A PRAYER FOR "THE PRETENDER."
IF ANYTHING, THE PLAGUE IS GETTING WORSE.
YESTERDAY, THE NUMBER OF NEW CASES GREW TO THEIR HIGHEST
LEVELS SINCE APRIL.
WHAT?
APRIL!
COME ON WE HAVE TO HAVE MADE PROGRESS SINCE APRIL.
I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK... FIVE MONTHS?
10 YEARS?
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW.
YOU HAVE TO CUT ME OPEN AND COUNT THE RINGS IN MY GUT.
I'M WELL MARBLED.
THE COVID SPIKES ARE ESPECIALLY BAD IN THREE STATES:
FLORIDA REPORTED A NEW DAILY HIGH OF 5,508 CASES.
TEXAS REPORTED MORE THAN 5,000 CASES, ITS LARGEST SINGLE-DAY
TOTAL YET.
AND ARIZONA ADDED MORE THAN 3,600 CASES, ALSO A RECORD.
OKAY, THAT SOUNDS BAD, BUT REMEMBER, IN ARIZONA, IT'S A DRY
DEATH.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> DARK HUMOR!
>> Stephen: THANKS, GRIMY.
THINGS ARE SO BAD IN THE REST OF THE COUNTRY THAT NEW YORK, NEW
JERSEY AND CONNECTICUT WILL NOW REQUIRE CERTAIN
OUT-OF-STATE TRAVELERS TO QUARANTINE UPON ARRIVAL.
SO IF YOU'RE FROM OUT OF STATE AND WANT TO VISIT THE BIG APPLE,
FUHGEDDABOUTIT!
SERIOUSLY, THEY DON'T WANT YOU.
THE TRI-STATE AREA IS NOT ALONE.
WITH CASES SURGING IN THE UNITED STATES, THE EUROPEAN UNION IS
PREPARED TO BLOCK AMERICANS FROM ENTERING.
WELL, FINE EUROPE.
WE DIDN'T WANT TO GO THERE ANYWAY.
INSTEAD OF PARTYING IN IBITHA, I'M PARTYING IN KANTHA-THITY.
AS I SAID, ONE OF THE BIGGEST CORONAVIRUS SURGES IS HAPPENING
IN ARIZONA.
AND YESTERDAY, THEY INTRODUCED ANOTHER WELL-KNOWN DISEASE
VECTOR: DONALD TRUMP.
THE PRESIDENT WAS THERE TO GIVE A SPEECH TO A TIGHTLY-PACKED
AUDITORIUM OF SUPPORTERS, MOST OF WHOM WEREN'T WEARING MASKS.
THE ONLY WAY IT WOULD'VE BEEN MORE RISKY IS IF HE'D REVVED UP
THE CROWD WITH A HEPATITIS CANNON.
THE VENUE FOR TRUMP'S EVENT WAS A MEGACHURCH CALLED DREAM CITY.
IT'S LIKE A REGULAR CHURCH, BUT YOU FORGOT THAT YOU HAVE A TEST,
YOU'RE NAKED, AND YOU'RE AT YOUR COUSIN LOUIS' HOUSE.
BUT IT'S NOT HIS HOUSE, BUT IT IS HIS HOUSE?
AND THEN YOUR TEETH FALL OUT.
AND THOUGH IT WAS ONLY A CROWD OF 3,000, TRUMP WAS JAZZED.
>> THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON.
YOU FEEL IT, RIGHT?
YOU FEEL THE SPIRIT.
( AS TRUMP )
FEELING THE SPIRIT.
IT WAS IN THE AIR SPREADING LIKE A FEVER.
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THEIR LUNGS WERE FILLING UP WITH
SPIRIT JUICE.
TRUMP WEIGHED IN ON PANDEMIC NOMENCLATURE.
NOW REMEMBER, IT'S CALLED "COVID-19" BECAUSE IT'S A
COMBINATION OF THE WORDS "CORONAVIRUS," "DISEASE,"
AND "2019," THE YEAR IT WAS DISCOVERED.
BUT TRUMP APPARENTLY HAS NOT BEEN BRIEFED.
>> COVID. COVID-19. COVID.
I SAID, WHAT IS THE 19?
COVID-19?
SOME PEOPLE CAN'T EXPLAIN WHAT THE 19-- GIVE ME THE COVID-19
>> Stephen: YES, SOME PEOPLE WHO HEAD OUR GOVERNMENT CAN'T
UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S CALLED COVID-19.
JUST LIKE THOSE SAME PEOPLE EXAENT EXPLAIN WHERE THE WORD
"BRUNCH," COMES FROM.
HE'S HEARD RUMORS THAT IT'S A COMBINATION OF "BREAKFAST" ND
"UNCH."
TRUMP COMPARED HIMSELF TO THE RADICAL DEMOCRATS AND MADE AN
INTERESTING CONTRAST.
>> WHILE THEIR MOVEMENT IS BASED ON HATE, OURS IS BASED ON
LOVE.
>> Stephen: YES, TRUMP'S ALL ABOUT LOVE.
L. IS FOR THE WAY KIM LOOKS AT ME.
"O" IS FOR THE ONLY ONE GCs.
"V" IS VADDY PUTIN.
♪ HE'S SO ROOTIN'-TOOTIN' ♪ E.IS EVEN MORE DICTATORS I DO
ADORE ♪ YES, LOST WAS MADE FOR THEM
AND ME.
BA-DA-DA.
I'M LOVING IT ♪ >> WE SAVED THAT INCREDIBLE
STATUE.
YOU SAW IT LAST NIGHT.
AND RESTORED PEACE AND ORDER TO THE STREETS.
AND THESE PEOPLE FOUGHT BACK AND THE LAW ENFORCEMENT WAS MUCH
TOUGHER, MUCH SHARPER.
MUCH BETTER.
THEY REALLY HAD NO TROUBLE HANDLING THEM.
IT WAS LIKE HANDLING A BABY FOR HIM, WAS JUST LIKE A BABY.
>> Stephen: NOTE TO SELF: NEVER HIRE TRUMP AS A
BABY-SITTER.
"LITTLE JOHNNY'S FINALLY ASLEEP.
HE WAS DIFFICULT, BUT DON'T WORRY, I HANDLED YOUR BABY LIKE
A BABY.
-- WITH TEAR GAS AND FLASH GRENADES, AND HE CRIED LIKE A
DOG."
"THAT'S $20 AN HOUR."
PLUS, TRUMP MUST HAVE BEEN HAPPIER WITH HIS ARIZONA RALLY
THAN HIS CATASTROPHIC RALLY IN TULSA OVER THE WEEKEND.
IF YOU RECALL, HE ENDED THE EVENING WITH A SHAMBLE OF SHAME,
NECKTIE DANGLING LIKE SOMEBODY WHO TRIED TO TURN INTO THE HULK
BUT GOT BORED HALFWAY THROUGH.
PRETTY SAD SIGHT.
BUT NOT IF YOU ASK DONALD TRUMP THE LESSER.
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, DON JR. POSTED A PHOTO OF HIS
FATHER TO INSTAGRAM WITH A REPOSTED CAPTION THAT READ,
"THE LEFT IS ATTEMPTING TO USE IT AS A NEGATIVE.
ITS NOT.
THIS IS THE LOOK FAR TOO MANY OF US THAT HAVE WORKED A NIGHT
SHIFT OR A 48-HOUR SHIFT OR A THIRD JOB ARE TOO FAMILIAR
WITH."
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING: BUT, DON JR. ACTUALLY
HAS WORKED A 48-HOUR SHIFT, JUST NOT IN A ROW.
48 HOURS IS HIS YEARLY AVERAGE.
DON JUNIORED ON: "THIS IS, BEEN WORKING MY ASS
OFF FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, GOOD OLD-FASHION EXHAUSTION,
BORN OF LOVE; NOT FOR WHAT YOUR DOING, BUT WHO YOUR DOING IT
FOR."
OKAY, DONALD TRUMP HAS NOT BEEN WORKING HIS ASS OFF FOR THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE.
OR ANYONE ELSE.
HOW DO I KNOW?
I CAN PROVE IT.
HERE'S HIS ASS.
IT'S ALL THERE.
LAST NIGHT, THERE WERE PRIMARY ELECTIONS IN NEW YORK,
MISSISSIPPI, VIRGINIA, NORTH CAROLINA, AND KENTUCKY.
THERE WERE HUGE VICTORIES, SHOCKING UPSETS, AND NAIL-BITING
SQUEAKERS.
ONE IMAGINES.
BECAUSE WE DON'T REALLY KNOW A LOT YET.
THANKS TO THE CORONAVIRUS, MOST PEOPLE VOTED BY MAIL, SO IN SOME
STATES IT WILL BE AT LEAST A WEEK UNTIL WINNERS ARE KNOWN.
A WEEK?
WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHAT SHAPE THE COUNTRY WILL BE IN BY THEN?
WE COULD ALL BE TRADING OUR CHILDREN FOR SCRAP METAL AND
WORSHIPPING THE SPICE LORDS.
NO ONE'S GOING TO STOP SIPHONING FUEL OUT OF A HIJACKED TANKER
TRUCK TO SAY, "OH, LOOK, GLENN ANDERSON IS KENTUCKY'S NEW
COMPTROLLER!" THIS DELAY IN THE RESULT DOES
NOT BODE WELL FOR NOVEMBER.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT FEELING YOU HAD BETWEEN 9:00 P.M. AND
MIDNIGHT ON ELECTION NIGHT 2016?
GE READY TO BE THAT DRUNK FOR FIVE DAYS.
THE POINT IS, THIS ELECTION IS NOT GOING TO BE A SPRINT.
IT'S GOING TO BE A MARATHON, IN THAT, BEFORE IT'S OVER, YOU'RE
GOING TO POOP YOUR PANTS, AND YOUR NIPPLES ARE GOING TO BLEED.
THINGS ARE NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR TRUMP, BY THE WAY.
IN A NEW POLL CONDUCTED BY "THE NEW YORK TIMES"/SIENA COLLEGE/
DORITOS LOCOS CRUNCH WRAP THE PRESIDENT IS TRAILING JOE
BIDEN BY 14 POINTS.
THAT IS JOE-MENTUM!
HE'S AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE, AS LONG AS HE NEVER LEAVES HIS
BASEMENT.
YOU STAY DOWN THERE, JOE!
EVEN IF YOU WIN, YOU STAY DOWN THERE.
IT'S GOING TO TAKE A FEW MONTHS TO FUMIGATE THE BURGER FARTS OUT
OF THE OVAL OFFICE!
ONE DISTURBING PART OF THIS POLL WAS THE FACT THAT 14% OF VOTERS
WOULD VOTE FOR ANOTHER CANDIDATE, WOULD NOT VOTE, OR
DID NOT KNOW.
DID NOT KNOW?
HOW THE HELL DO YOU LIVE THROUGH THREE AND HALF YEARS OF DONALD
TRUMP AND HAVE NO OPINION?
"WHAT'S THAT?
WHO'S PRESIDENT?
DONALD TRUMP?
THE GUY FROM "THE APPRENTICE"?
WELL, I MISSED THAT.
I WAS BINGE-WATCHING A MARATHON OF KEVIN SPACEY MOVIES.
WHAT!" THE GROUP THAT REALLY CAN'T
STAND TRUMP IS COLLEGE-EDUCATED WHITE WOMEN.
IN 2016, HILLARY CLINTON-- A COLLEGE-EDUCATED WHITE
WOMAN-- WON THIS GROUP BY JUST SEVEN PERCENTAGE POINT.
BIDEN WINS BY 39 PERCENTAGE POINTS.
( AS TRUMP )
TO YOU?
AND BEFORE YOU ANSWER, PLEASE SIGN THIS N.D.A."
BIDEN HAS NOW DRAWN EVEN WITH TRUMP AMONG MALE VOTERS, WHITES,
AND PEOPLE MIDDLE AGE AND OLDER.
WHITE MALES, MIDDLE-AGED, AND OLDER?
BUT THAT'S TRUMP'S BASE.
JIMMY, CAN WE GET A PICTURE OF THOSE VOTERS?
AH, THERE THEY AREN'T.
TRUMP STILL HAS A CHANCE BECAUSE OF THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE.
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
>> Stephen: A LITTLE LATE.
A PLITLE LATE.
BUT EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO PLAN TO VOTE FOR HIM DON'T LIKE HIM.
A TEXAS REPUBLICAN, WHO'S DEFINITELY VOTING FOR TRUMP, PUT
IT LIKE THIS: "PART OF YOU JUST FEELS ICKY
VOTING FOR HIM."
YEP, VOTING FOR TRUMP IS JUST A DIRTY FEELING.
THAT'S WHY, IN TEXAS, DEMOCRATS GET VOTING BOOTHS, AND
REPUBLICANS GET VOTING SHOWERS.
"GAAHHH, I'M DIRTY DIRTY."
THINK ABOUT THE TAX CUTS.
I'M STILL DIRTY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR TONIGHT.
JON STEWART IS HERE!
THAT'S RIGHT OUR OLD FRIEND JON.
STICK AROUND.