All right.
It's the long-awaited response video to the article "16 things
to know before dating an INFJ."
This is a timely response.
The article is three and a half years old.
But better late than never, huh?
So "16 things to know before dating an INFJ,"
written by Koty Neelis.
I think she gets pretty much everything right.
There are a few things I disagree with.
But I'm going to point that out.
All right.
Let's go through point by point.
Number one, if you're looking for a temporary romance
with them, they likely won't even
bother, "them" being INFJs.
This is, by and large, true.
I think this is because with introverted intuition,
we are more geared towards things
that are deep and meaningful.
That extends to relationships with other people.
I don't think it's outside of the realm of possibility
that an INFJ might decide, yeah, I just
want a casual relationship.
But I think by and large, an INFJ
isn't going to be out there just looking for a bunch of hookups.
Everyone's capable of everything, though.
Let's not say that a INFJ would never do x, y, z.
Hey, if anyone ever says a certain type would never
do something, don't believe that person.
Number two, they sometimes forget
to take care of themselves.
That's because INFJs have extroverted feeling.
And it makes us big, self-sacrificing martyrs.
And we put everyone else's needs above our own
until we crash and burn.
And she actually points this out--
that we'll be sweet and selfless until we've overextended
ourselves until we're exhausted and need
to shut everyone else out, which was the basic premise
of my video INFJs are Cold.
Number three, they'll always be thinking of the next fun date.
Yeah, we'll always be thinking about it.
But then we'll drive ourselves crazy being like, oh my gosh.
This isn't good enough.
This other person has such high standards now.
And I need to outdo the last date I did.
And you're going to get in that perfectionist paralysis, where
you want to make sure that the date is really good and really
meaningful.
And sometimes it's just hard for an INFJ to say, yeah,
we're going to go to a movie and a restaurant.
Sorry.
That's cliche.
But we're such creative people and stuff.
We hold ourselves to a high standard.
We don't want to just do the same old thing.
So yeah, an INFJ--
we're thinking about the next fun date.
Will we ever get around to planning it?
Will we ever implement it?
Will you ever actually get to go out on another date with us?
I don't know because we'll probably just keep planning it.
Then we'll be disappointed afterwards
because it didn't live up to our expectations.
So it's a real treat dating an INFJ.
Number four, someone who puts a lot of emphasis
on labels, designers, or money is immediately off-putting.
This is one that I have to disagree on,
at least a little bit.
So yeah, on the one hand, INFJs don't like shallow people.
So if all you care about is money,
designer brand names, then yeah.
We're not going to really take to you very quickly.
But here is the other part of it--
is that INFJs do actually put some value on things
like looking good, looking put together.
And they also do value, to a degree, brand names, designer
things, nice high-end things.
Because extroverted sensing is our inferior function,
what that means is that we kind of idealize it.
We often think of ourselves in the future
as being surrounded by really nice things.
This is an idea I picked up from, I think,
personalityjunkie.com.
We also tend to be very perfectionistic
when it comes to extroverted sensing, meaning that
when given the choice of buying something,
we might go for the higher-end thing, the more expensive thing
because we want the best.
Number five, INFJs can be loyal to a fault.
But this doesn't mean it's an opportunity to take advantage
of them, jerk.
Yeah, we're very loyal.
But it can go the other way, like in that INFJ brutality
video slash INFJ door slam.
We're loyal to you and give you too many chances.
And then one day, we're just gone.
You're dead to us.
Number six, INFJs can be very strange people.
That's very true.
Just take a look at the comments section.
And everyone's saying how strange
they think they are compared to everyone else.
The other thing, though, is we are good at hiding it, I think.
Once you've developed your extroverted feeling enough,
you're good at pretending to be normal.
So either you're going to be confronted
with the weirdness right off the bat when you're dating an INFJ,
or they're going to hide it for a while.
And then the weirdness will come out of nowhere suddenly.
Number seven-- oh, this is a good one.
They'll always be able to pick up when you're
lying or being deceptive.
Yes.
I wish I had put this in my video
Why INFJs Leave Relationships because this
is a big reason why.
We pick up on lies very easily.
We have a very sensitive BS detector.
This is because of introverted intuition.
So that function is all about seeing patterns and picking up
on all these details and seeing how they fit together.
So we pay attention to everything that you've said.
And if all of a sudden things start to not make sense
with all these different things you've said,
there's some kind of disharmony somewhere.
We will realize, oh, that's because there's a lie in there
somewhere.
Something isn't lining up with the rest of the pattern
that you've established.
We're also good at reading people.
We can read your face.
We can tell what words you're choosing
and what words you're dancing around to get around an issue.
And so an INFJ is going to be the kind of person who's like,
date, what are you trying to do?
Why are you lying to me, man?
Don't lie to me, dude.
Come on.
That's how I talk to girls I'm dating.
Dude, dude, don't lie to me, dog.
Come on, dog, dog.
Number eight, INFJs love helping people, especially the person
they're dating.
Aw, isn't that special?
That's true.
That's extroverted feeling.
We'll monitor ourselves for you and then wonder
why you don't give the same treatment back to us.
Number nine, sometimes it can be hard for them to open up.
It really depends on the person because the INFJ
has something that's like the inverse of the door slam,
where it's the door fling wide open to a stranger, where we'll
just be totally open with people that we barely know and develop
strong emotional connections.
Then, in my experience at least, as the relationship
progresses, you become more and more of a shell of yourself
until the other person is left wondering,
hey, where did that person go?
I think it's more likely that it will
be hard for an INFJ to open up after you've
been dating for a while.
That's just my experience.
Maybe I am just a commitmentphobe
who becomes distant as a way of protecting myself.
I don't know.
Number 10, they typically don't enjoy
PDA, which is Public Displays of Affection.
I know I don't.
Anything more than handholding freaks me out.
Maybe this is just a hyperaware extroverted
feeling, where we don't like to rock the boat at all
or do anything that might be perceived socially as
impolite maybe or making other people uncomfortable.
We don't want to disrupt other people.
I think that's where it comes from.
Number 11, don't ever--
don't ever never pressure them to make more friends
or socialize more.
OK.
So I think you shouldn't pressure anyone to do anything,
really.
You shouldn't pressure anyone to make more friends
or socialize more.
However, I think sometimes introverts--
well, anyone, really-- might need a little kick
in the butt to go out there and make some more
friends because it could be like, hey, buddy.
You've been sitting inside for the past three days
playing City Skylines.
Maybe it's time you go out and make a friend or two.
Because believe it or not, whether you
want to accept this, you need friends.
I need friends.
We all need friends.
There's no getting around it.
If your partner sees that you are really
going into hermit mode, I think that it's
good to get a little bit of gentle encouragement,
a gentle kick in the butt to get out there and make
a friend or two.
I think it's OK.
Number 12, they're extremely future oriented.
I said that weird.
They're extremely future oriented, especially
in relationships.
So basically, on our first date, we're
going to project 30 years into the future.
This is because of introverted intuition.
We see all these patterns and stuff.
And it's actually probably not going
to be the most helpful thing in a relationship
because we're trying to extrapolate
all these things that are happening in the present moment
out way far into the future to see, well, if we get along
in these ways and don't get along in these ways,
how is this going to project into our future
together in the year 2525 if man is still alive?
That's an exaggeration, of course.
But we do project way too far into the future
for our own good, I think.
Number 13, INFJs can be easily affected
by the energy around them, including yours.
We have extroverted feeling.
We absorb other people's emotions.
This is why for a INFJ, you need to find someone who is kind
of like even keel, I think.
If an INFJ is with someone who's down all the time,
it's going to be very hard for the INFJ
to pull that person out of it because we're going to be--
it's like a drowning person pulling you down with them.
And we just can't help it.
It's because we're going to feel what you feel
because we're so empathetic.
Number 14, they will rarely initiate anything.
I kind of disagree with this.
I think, yeah, we're introverts.
So we're not out there.
I talked in my videos how I fall in love with the photographer
at a wedding.
And then I don't even say hello to her.
So yeah, I'm not going initiate there.
But if I get to know someone, I have
no problem asking them out.
I mean, she goes into detail--
Koty does-- saying, asking for a number,
making plans for a first date-- these
are things that will have to be done by you.
An INFJ takes careful note of who shows interest
and whether the energy they put into someone else
is reciprocated or not.
I think it's different for everyone.
But if anything, INFJs have the potential
to be the most extroverted introvert.
And so I've got to disagree with this.
Maybe your default as an INFJ is to not initiate anything.
I prefer not to initiate things.
But would I call it rare?
Yeah, I guess I would call it rare.
Maybe she's right.
But she makes it seem like we're going
to be a nun or a monk if someone else doesn't ask us out,
which is untrue.
I don't have no problem asking someone out if--
when the rubber meets the road, I can do it.
Did I use that saying correctly?
I don't think I did.
Number 15, if it seems like they're off in another world,
it's probably because they are.
Yeah, because we got introverted intuition, man.
We got these crazy good imaginations
that are better than the real world, which is probably
why you'll end up leaving us because we're off
in our own world all the time.
And number 16, they'll always be down to listen
to what you have to say.
Yeah, we will.
And it's not just kind of like fake listening.
We'll really listen to you.
We'll really dig in deep and want
to hear what you have to say because we want to get
to know other people deeply.
And we want to just understand everything about you.
So we'll listen.
Don't take that for granted, man.
OK.
So that was the article "16 things
to know before dating an INFJ."
You can read the whole thing on thoughtcatalog.com.
I'll put the link in the description below.
Please let me know in the comments
what you thought if there was anything that you disagreed
with in the article that I didn't point out
or if you disagreed with anything I said.
Let me know if you thought there was something else
in the article that should have been there that wasn't.
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