- I'm really excited to be here tonight
at this great show
with all these great comics
and I'm also really excited to tell you about
the new business that I'm starting
which is an escape room adventure,
but it's for people who don't have a large friend group.
So their challenge is to try to break into the room
where a bunch of people are having fun.
(laughter)
I have a quick poll,
quick informal poll.
Should caricature artists have the same
human rights as the rest of us?
Most people vote no.
I have mixed feelings.
Initially I was like of course not,
but then I was thinking they do have a unique gift.
They can go up to a complete stranger
and just by looking at you,
they can guess which of the features on your face
you're the most insecure about
and then they can draw a picture of you
where they exaggerate that feature
even more than you do in your mind.
And then the best part is
then they offer to sell you the picture.
That doesn't seem right.
Do you guys like topical jokes?
(cheers)
Well, I have a few from 2018.
You may remember
in March of 2018.
Guys this is serious.
In March of 2018
Uber suspended their driverless car program
when one of their cars hit a pedestrian and killed them.
And that marked the worst driverless car incident
that we've had on American soil
since the 1980 Disney documentary Herbie Goes Bananas.
Also in 2018, you might remember the summer of 2018
when a man in Florida
took a full grown live alligator to a liquor store,
terrorized the other customers
by chasing them around with it.
He was arrested and then when he went to court
he plead not guilty because he said
he didn't remember any of it.
And I'm just like,
how do you think that makes that alligator feel?
That his best friend doesn't remember
the greatest night of their whole lives.
(laughter)
Also in the news, I don't know from when,
but I know the headline was
emotional support pig removed
from plane for being disruptive.
His person wasn't kicked off the plane,
it was just the pig,
and so I imagine it as
he's in the airplane aisle on his hind feet,
and one flight attendant is holding each elbow,
and he's fighting them
and then he keeps turning back and going
I'm not leaving without my wife.
Because he doesn't understand
the relationship with his person
and some guy was talking to what he thought was his wife
and that's why he was disruptive, and it's heartbreaking.
And I do know for a fact that is exactly how it happened.
Guys, I miss when Oprah was in charge.
I really do feel like life was better
when she was at the helm.
I loved her, I still love her.
She's not dead.
And one of my favorite things that she did
was that she would have guests on
and they would take complicated human psychology phenomenons
and they would put them into a simple phrase
that everybody could understand.
Like, one of the best ones was,
and you might have heard it,
it's hurt people hurt people,
meaning people who've been hurt hurt other people,
so that if you know that,
then when someone hurts you
you don't have to take it personally,
you can just think well, someone hurt them, too,
and I think that's really true and helpful.
But I also like to daydream of a rogue Oprah
who is just commanding housewives,
hurt people, hurt people, hurt people.
(laughter)
I just was recently diagnosed with reverse body dysmorphia
which means that I just think
that everybody else looks like shit.
(laughter, applause)
That's not true.
I was thinking recently about the human race
and how messed up we are
and I think it's because we have a split personality.
On the one hand we're predators
and so we kill and eat animals
and we also can be really ruthless
and cruel to each other,
and then we also on the other hand
we have this great capacity for empathy.
Like some of us are vegans
and that British lady on the internet
who has a pet bumblebee.
So it made me realize we really are
the absolute best and worst
of all the animals put together.
So for an example, in ways that we're the worst.
In the worst column,
we're the only species that imprisons
other members of our species,
which is awful.
But then in the best column,
right now we're the only species working on prison reform.
(laughter)
All right, I'm going to speed through the last two.
This is just a quick thing I like to share
which is two of my favorite things in the whole world.
Leaving parties without saying goodbye to anybody,
and never showing up in the first place.
I can't get enough of that.
In conclusion, I'm going to do a character
that I'm working on
and it's called the lady who's had it with stuff.
Okay, so, you know what?
I've had it with putting gas in my car.
How many times am I going to have to go through this?
I've also really had it with traffic,
and not just heavy traffic,
I've also had it with light traffic.
It's scary, where is everybody?
Did something happen?
And then the last thing,
and it's the worst,
I've really, really had it with people
who impatiently wave at me to cross the street
in front of them at a stop sign.
Motherfucker, I don't answer to you.
Okay, you go.