♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW WHO'S HERE IS JON BATISTE.
HEY, JON.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Jon: WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH
YOU?
>> Stephen: I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU IN A LITTLE CLUB AGAIN.
THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO DO IN THE CITY IS JUST GO
DOWN TO A LITTLE CLUB, SEE YOU PLAY, HAVE A LITTLE ADULT-- A
LITTLE ADULT BEVERAGE WITH MY LOVELY LADY.
AND THEN JUST-- IT'S THE MOST ELEVATING, ILLUMINATING,
RELAXING, ENERGIZING NIGHT.
YOUR MEDICINE, JON.
HOW LONG DO YOU THINK?
PREDICT IT.
HOW LONG BEFORE YOU'RE PLAYING IN A CLUB AGAIN?
>> Jon: WOOO"H" I'LL PROBABLY GIVE IT... I'M GOING TO SAY BY
THE END OF THE SUMMER WE'LL BE IN THERE, WE'LL BE SHABIN.
>> Stephen: I'LL TAKE THAT BET.
I'LL TRY TO BEAT THAT BET.
I'LL GO MIDSUMMER, I HAVE NO PLANS.
MAYBE EVEN THE BEGINNING OF THE SUMMER, WHO KNOWS.
BECAUSE IT'S TIME TO GET OUT OF HERE, JON.
IT'S GETTING TIME TO BE OUT OF HERE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE CELEBRATING THIS FRIDAY--
CELEBRATING IS NOT THE RIGHT WORD.
MARKING, WE'RE MARKING THIS FRIDAY.
>> Jon: WHAT'S THAT.
>> Stephen: THIS FRIDAY IS ONE YEAR SINCE WE HAD TO BUG OUT OF
THE SULLIVAN TO GET AWAY FROM COVID AND EACH OTHER.
A YEAR, JON, THIS FRIDAY MARKS A YEAR.
>> Jon: MAN.
>> Stephen: ONE OF US DOESN'T LOOK A DAY OLDER.
>> Jon: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT FEELS LIKE IT WAS LONGER THAN A
YEAR AGO.
IT FEELS MUCH, MUCH LONGER THAN A YEAR.
>> Stephen: I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE AN
AUDIENCE, OTHER THAN EVIE.
>> Jon: THAT'S A GOOD AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: THERE IS NO BETTER AUDIENCE THAN EVIE, BUT I WISH
THERE WERE 400 OF YOU.
THAT'S ALL.
JON, DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC-- WHAT COMES TO YOU WHEN YOU THINK
OF A YEAR OF THIS?
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.
A YEAR...
♪ ♪ ♪ ( "AULD LANG SYNE" ).
>> Stephen: AND NEVER BROUGHT TO MIND.
>> Jon: NEVER, NEVER.
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANKS JON.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF TIME FELLING THE
STURDIEST, MOST TOPICAL NEWS TREES, SHAVING THE FINEST OAK
PLANKS, RAISING THE TALLEST MAST, AND CAREFULLY DRAWING THE
PERFECT CAMBER ON THE SAILS TO CREATE FOR YOU THE MIGHTY VIKING
LONGBOAT OF NEWS THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I STUMBLE ONTO A DIRTY
BEACH WHILE ON THE RUN AFTER GETTING CAUGHT MATCH-FIXING AT
AN UNDERGROUND FIGHT CLUB, SO I GRAB SOME HALF-EMPTY PLASTIC
BOTTLES, A TOWEL I STOLE FROM AN UNSUSPECTING RETIRED COUPLE,
THEN RIP SOME ELECTRICAL WIRE OUT OF A MOTEL SHUTTLE BUS,
WHICH I USE TO BIND IT ALL TO AN AIR MATTRESS I FISHED OUT OF THE
DUMPSTER BEHIND THE TWISTICREAM TO ASSEMBLE THE UNSEAWORTHY
CASTAWAY RAFT OF NEWS THAT.
IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN BLASTING AWAY AT CREATURES
IN "HALO" AND THOUGHT, "I WISH I COULD EAT THEM," GREAT NEWS:
PRINGLES AND MICROSOFT HAVE ANNOUNCED A "NEW 'HALO' POTATO
CHIP THAT TASTES LIKE SPACE OSTRICH."
NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WOULD TASTE LIKE, BUT HOPEFULLY
THIS WILL BE A MORE SUCCESSFUL GAME CHARACTER FOOD PROMOTION
THAN WHITE CASTLE'S YOSHI SLIDERS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN CRIME NEWS, FOOTAGE OF A VERY DRAMATIC ART
THEFT IN NEW YORK CITY CAME OUT THIS WEEK.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> THIS IS A WEIRD ONE.
NEW VIDEO SHOWS SUSPECTS SETTING UP A LADDER OUTSIDE A BRONX BAR
TO STEAL A PORTRAIT.
YOU SEE THEM HERE OUTSIDE ALFIE'S PLACE ON EAST 177th
STREET ON FEBRUARY 20.
POLICE SAY THE ONLY THING THEY TOOK WAS THIS HAND-PAINTED
PORTRAIT OF A DOG HANGING OUTSIDE THE BAR.
>> Stephen: HOW IN GOD'S NAME COULD THIS HAPPEN?
WHY WASN'T THERE A HIGH-TECH LASER SECURITY SYSTEM SET UP TO
PROTECT THIS PRICELESS MASTERPIECE OF A... SHEEPDOG
POUNDING JAMISON.
THE POLICE ARE ON THE OUTLOOK FOR THIS MAN.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN SEA SLUG NEWS, "THESE SEA SLUGS CAN
SELF-DECAPITATE AND GROW A NEW BODY."
SO, SEA SLUGS HAVE IT MADE.
I'M SORRY.
AM I KEEPING YOU WEAK?
SO, SEA SLUGS HAVE IT MADE.
DURING THE QUARANTINE, THEY THEY CAN POUND DOWN THE
SOURDOUGH AND DRINK NUTELLA, RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR, AND THEN
JUST CHOP OFF THEIR OWN HEAD AND LEAVE THEIR GARGANTUAN ASSES
BEHIND.
AT LEAST SCIENCE HAS FINALLY EXPLAINED WHY SEA SLUGS ARE ALL
SUCH SMOKE SHOWS.
MMMM, BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT-- SPECIFICALLY, THE HEAD.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A DUTCH INVENTOR HAS CREATED A TEST
WHERE PARTICIPANTS STEP INTO AN AIR-LOCKED CABIN AND SCREAM.
PERFECT!
BEING CONFINED AND SCREAMING IS ALL I'VE DONE FOR A YEAR!
WHEN THE SCREAMING IS DONE, AN INDUSTRIAL AIR PURIFIER COLLECTS
ALL THE PARTICLES EMITTED, WHICH ARE THEN ANALYZED FOR THE VIRUS.
THE TEST CAN ALSO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT YOU RECENTLY HAD
GARLIC KNOTS.
CURRENTLY, THE TEST IS BEING CONDUCTED IN A BOOTH ON THE
OUTSKIRTS OF AMSTERDAM.
OH, I THINK I'VE SEEN THOSE BOOTHS.
DOES THE TEST ONLY WORK IF YOU'RE WEARING THIGH-HIGH BOOTS
AND A PINK WIG?
NO?
DIFFERENT BOOTH.
MY APOLOGIES.
ONE DUTCH PARTICIPANT RAVED, "IT'S ALWAYS VERY NICE TO SCREAM
WHEN NOBODY CAN HEAR YOU, THOUGH."
WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, IS ALSO THE SLOGAN FOR THE POORLY
TRANSLATED DUTCH VERSION OF "ALIEN."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, SCIENTISTS SAY THAT MALE FROGS TRYING TO
ATTRACT MATES ARE "SUPER, SUPER LOUD," "BELTING OUT SERENADES
THAT CAN REGISTER AT MORE THAN 100 DECIBELS APIECE-- CLOSE TO
WHAT YOU'D HEAR AT A ROCK CONCERT OR A ROWDY NIGHTCLUB."
SO, HOW DO FEMALE FROGS DEAL WITH IT?
WELL, THEY CAN IGNORE THEM BECAUSE FROG LUNGS ARE BASICALLY
NOISE-CANCELING HEADPHONES, WHICH IS WHY I NEVER TAKE A LONG
FLIGHT WITHOUT THESE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, CHIPOTLE IS LAUNCHING A MAKEUP COLLECTION.
GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO'S LOOKED AT A BURRITO AND THOUGHT,
"BOY, I WISH MY FACE LOOKED LIKE THAT."
THE NEW MAKEUP WILL INCLUDE A 12-COLOR EYE SHADOW PALETTE
INSPIRED BY CHIPOTLE INGREDIENTS.
SO, MOVE OVER, SMOKEY EYE, AND HELLO, BEAN BROW.
ALL THIS CAN BE YOURS FOR ONLY $16.
PLUS, AN EXTRA TWO BUCKS FOR THE GUAC MASK.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I MAKE AN OFFER TO SMALL BUSINESSES
THROUGHOUT AMERICA.
THAT I HOPE THEY DON'T REFUSE.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪