How do we figure out what to put in these videos? Well, you asked us. And one
of our recent questions "How do you teach kids table manners?" So, Vicki. Here's the
thing. Kids don't come pre-programmed to follow all of your rules and
especially when it comes to something like table manners. -Actually really any
manners are learned. Those are kind of natural things. -If you don't believe this,
just watch your animals. -Well... Remember that manners are really more related to
our culture? -Yes. -And so... Then even our needs or wants or
expressions. -And it really is a higher level of functioning too. Because it has
a lot of social innuendo that's woven into it. There's a lot of complexity that
goes into manners, etiquette rules of behavior that affect how we interact
with other people. So, because the kids don't come by it naturally, how are they
going to know? Unless we teach them. -Yep. We have to explicitly teach table manners.
-One of my favorite songs I hadn't experienced years ago where I got to
sing in a choir. And we were singing a song about children. And the
recurring theme in the song was "How will they know unless we teach them?" -Right. -I
love that and that's exactly what we're talking about. So, let's get into table
manners specifically. Can we do that? -Yeah. One of the things you're going to want
to do is establish an actual mealtime. Now, a lot of people get a little bit of
anxiety about the whole mealtime. We're not looking for a beautiful magazine
spread for our mealtime. -No. This is not the Pinterest moment. -No. Really the idea of a
mealtime is a it's a chance to come together as a family whatever your
family looks like. And to have time to talk dialogue debrief the day and to
learn some things. And so that's the perfect place to begin with
table matters. -Now, Vicki. We have had other conversations here on the channel
about the importance of mealtime and what that does to your family culture
and the ability that you have to connect with your kids. So, we're not even talking
about that aspect of mealtime. We're simply using that now as an opportunity
to practice something. Vicki you taught piano lessons to
beginning piano students for a lot of years. -Yes. -And it always blew my mind
that somehow this lady is so brilliant she
could tell if those kids hadn't practiced. How do you do that, Vicki? -You
know really it just goes back to we think how are we going to know and you
can tell us on practices because things become habit they become easier. They
become more natural. And so that's what we're going to do with table manners.
-Beautiful. So, this is the opportunity that you have to practice and whatever
you practice you get better at. Notice I'm talking to you, not your kids.
Now, your kids need to practice too. That's where we're going to establish those
mealtimes. But honestly this is about training you as a parent to train your
kids. Vicki and I just got a new puppy. -We go to obedience school. And really it's more for us on
how to train our dog than it is for the dog to learn obedience. -And that's
exactly what I was thinking about because as owners of the dog, we're the
ones that need to change our behavior that the dog will come into line as we
consistently practice the thing that the trainer is teaching us. So, as parents,
you're on the front lines for this thing. Your example matters. And I'm just going to
jump ahead to that because we do that as a later point. Your example is
what is going to teach them the most. Sometimes kids can't hear what you're
saying because what you're doing is so in their face. Model for them the
behaviors that you want to see happen. -And that brings up a great point. You
want to get clear about what those behaviors are. Because everybody's family...
Remember we said this isn't kind of an innate thing. And so we have these
different expectations culturally or socially. So, get really clear on what
those manners are that you want to reinforce and teach. -Vicki, you remember
that show that we've seen a couple of times with the British super nanny? -Yes.
-A big shout out to the super nanny. One of the things that I really
love about her presentations is what we were just talking about. She focuses on
training the parents. Because her intervention is going to be so brief with
those kids anyway. What really is going to make the difference is when the
parents change their behavior. And she's very outspoken,
she calls it like it is and she tells you when you're out of line. If you're
indulging your kid ah rescuing them or whatever.
Super nanny did an episode about table manners. In fact, you can link to it right
up here in this corner of the screen. Go over and take a look at what she was
doing. She had some brilliant ideas about the actual practical teaching of table
manners and how we can train our kids. One of the points that she made... And it
goes right back to what you were saying, Vicki. Be clear about what rules are
important to you. This may be cultural and maybe family. -I think it's even very specific. I have to share
something. This is from my past I loved to sing and I think it was
rather annoying that I was singing all the time in one of our table manner
rules was no singing at the table. -You had that rule? -I'm pretty sure was
specifically so I would stop singing hit the table. -And it's okay for you as a mom
or as a dad to totally make up rules. Now, be reasonable but you can make it
up. And no singing at the table? How many American families have that as a rule? Or
a worldwide. -Ours did though. -Yours did. And there was a reason for that. The
Supernanny episode give us an example of a way to make this
very concrete, very tangible so that there can be different kinds of
conversations about it at the dinner table. And her suggestion was that you
make a centerpiece for the table. And again, we're not on Pinterest or good at
homes and gardens or whatever. But you make a centerpiece and in that
centerpiece are (in her example) paper flowers that were just fashioned down a
construction paper. And on each flower was written one of the rules. So, the rule
might be keep both elbows off of the table. Alright, if that's one of your
rules, that would go on the flower. In your home, Vicki it would have been... No
singing at the dinner table. That's on one of the flowers.
It could be appropriately use your silverware. -Or swallow before you speak.
Yeah, things like that. -Right. -One of the beautiful things about having this
visual. Remember we said we're kind of training the parents. So, it's a reminder
for the parent of the rules you've decided to focus on as well as modeling
for the children what to be doing. -Right. The thing I love about this kind of an
approach. And it could be the flowers but you could have paper plates set at
different places on the table and each one has a rule written on it. Some
physical representation of the rule because we're going to use those
physical representations of the rule in our practice. And if there's someone who
doesn't follow that particular rule... So, let's just say that we're having dinner
and Vicki pops off with a song. She just breaks forth into singing
as she has been known to do. Okay, now if I'm the father and Vicki starts singing
and that's one of our rules, I can simply pull out that little paper flower out of
the centerpiece and set it right there in front of Vicki. Or pull that plate off
the table. Whatever it is you're using. It might be a bouquet of forks or whatever,
okay? And you put that in front of Vicki. Now, Vicki's awareness is called
back to the rule. -Right. -We can also use this in a way
that we can say, "Let's pick a rule and see how we're all doing with that for
lunch today." And then you just pull a rule out. It might be play with toys not
food. You know, and you've got your daughter over there
playing with her food. We ran into this a couple of times. Our
daughter is an artist. Let's just say food is a legitimate medium for arts.
Anyway. What if your rule is "Play with toys, not food"? Then you could pull that
out and you could have a little discussion about what that means with
the family. So, there's a lot of things about having that physical
representation. -You know what I love about this is it gives you a chance to
really review your own because we talked at the very beginning the example is one
of the best ways that is the way to teach. I know that many families have a
"no cell phone at the table" rule. And we've kind of toyed with that at
different times. And then I found myself grabbing the phone to check something.
And so, it's good reminder for us also. How often have you gone to a
restaurant you'll see a couple on a date and they have spent zero time looking at
or talking to each other just on their phones. So, we're teaching this etiquette
of how to behave when in a social situation with another person. And so, it
might seem a little silly that we are addressing this but it really is
important and we've kind of lost this civil social connection. -I like the way
you put that Vicki. Because it really is about civility. -Mmm-hmm. -And also self
regulation. If you pull up that rule and say, "How's everybody doing
with it?" Or you say, "Hand it to him?", I mean what parent doesn't wish their
child could be better at self-regulating? And so, it gives them a chance to do some
self-evaluation and and regulating of their behavior. -These skills that they're
learning at the dinner table will generalize to other areas of their life.
And that I think is the point that you're making there. It will help them
with their relationships, with their schoolwork, with getting along in social
situations. There's so many reasons to pay attention to this. Hope you found
this helpful and we really want you to have some fun with this too.
So, we've got a little challenge for you. Take the family out to dinner. Can you do
that? -After you've practice. -Oh, yeah. You might want to practice some of what we talked about. Take them
out to dinner and let's see how this goes.
Leave some comments down below and let's interact with each other a little bit to
see if we can help each other to really get this positive parenting thing down.
I can