[Please keep these captions clean for those who need them. Funny extras can be added to the English (Canada) subs. Thank you!]
NARRATOR: After endless running and detours, Goku has finally reached the end of Snake Way.
How very convenient.
GOKU: Oooooo!
Oh, wow!
That must be King Kai’s place!
Woohooo...
...aaaaaaaieeeeeee--!
[Thud] UGH!
KING KAI: Nice job, jackass!
GOKU: Oowwww...
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back in the deep reaches of space...
NAPPA [via radio]: Are we there yet?
NAPPA [via radio]: Are we there yet? VEGETA [via radio]: No.
NAPPA [via radio, #2]: Are we there yet? VEGETA [via radio]: No.
NAPPA [via radio, #2]: Are we there yet? VEGETA [via radio]: No. No.
NAPPA [via radio, #3]: Are we there yet? VEGETA [via radio]: No. No.
NAPPA [via radio, #3]: Are we there yet? VEGETA [via radio]: No. No. No!
NAPPA [via radio, #4]: Are we there yet? VEGETA [via radio]: No. No. No!
NAPPA [via radio, #4]: Are we there yet? VEGETA [via radio]: No. No. No! *No*!
NAPPA [via radio, #5]: Are we there yet? VEGETA [via radio]: No. No. No! *No*!
NAPPA [via radio, #5]: Are we there yet? VEGETA [via radio]: No. No. No! *No*! *No*!!
NAPPA [via radio]: Hey Vegeta!
VEGETA [via radio]: *WHAAAT*!?!?
NAPPA [via radio]: Can we stop at that bug planet?
VEGETA [via radio]: Nappa, if it’ll shut you up for FIVE minutes, then FINE!
See? Look how fun this is...
{BOOM}
NAPPA: Hey, Vegeta! The locals.
VEGETA: Seems they brought a welcome service.
NAPPA: You know, Vegeta, on some planets they really appreciate foreign commune.
Really brings in the revenue.
They’ll probably treat us like royalty, considering the--
[Cuffs click] [Cell gate slams]
VEGETA: Well...
NAPPA: Yeah...
ATLA: Ah, I see. You too have been imprisoned by our horrible fascist King.
[Continues speaking; unintelligible]
NAPPA: Hey, Vegeta.
VEGETA: What is it?
NAPPA: We're in prison, Vegeta.
VEGETA: I see that, Nappa.
NAPPA: Hey.
VEGETA: What?
NAPPA: *Don't drop the soap*.
VEGETA: I swear to God, Nappa, I will shiv you.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on the Kai planet...
GOKU: Sooo, you're King Kai.
KING KAI: That’s right. I am the most superior martial artist in all of the galax--
GOKU: Ooh, a monkey!
KING KAI: Yes; this is my monkey, Bubbles.
Say hello, Bubbles.
BUBBLES: (Monkey sounds)
KING KAI: Alright, that’s enough, Bubbles.
Anyway, welcome to my planet.
GOKU: Man... I’m so... heavy here!
KING KAI: Well, because of the small size of my planet,
the gravity here is much more intense than that on Earth.
GREGORY: That doesn’t make any sense!
KING KAI: Shut up, Gregory!
Alright, fine. How’s this for a reason:
I have an unbelievably *powerful* space pirate locked up in the depths of my planet.
That’s why the gravity is so heavy here.
BOJACK: Yarr! Get me outta here!
KING KAI: Shut up, Bojack!
[Stomping]
Anyway, what are you here for?
GOKU: Oh! Well, King Kai...
I need you to train me.
There’s a terrible threat coming to our planet, and I’m its only hope.
I’ll do whatever it takes for you to train me.
I’ll withstand any test!
I will try as hard as I have to!
And I--
KING KAI: Sure.
GOKU: What?
KING KAI: I'll train you.
GOKU: Se... Seriously?
I thought I had to do some kind of test!
KING KAI: Are you kidding me? The only company I’ve had
for the last 500 years have been a disembodied pirate...
BOJACK: Yarrr!
KING KAI: ...A monkey...
BUBBLES: (Monkey noises)
KING KAI: ...And a grasshopper!
GREGORY: Actually, I’m a cricket!
KING KAI: Nobody cares!
You tell ‘im, Bubbles!
GOKU: Wow, you’re right!
I can’t imagine anything more boring than that!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on Namek...
[Birds chirping; flowing water]
[Soft splash]
GURU: Naaaaiiillll...
NAAAAAAAAIIIIILL!
NAIL: What is it, Lord Guru?
GURU: I saw a fish.
That is all. You can go back outside now.
NAIL: 'Oh God, this is so horribly dull...'
'I hope something exciting happens around here soon. I don’t care what it is.'
GURU: Naaaaail!
NAIL: *What*?
GURU: I saw a bird.
It was pretty.
Kick its ass.
NAIL: (Sighs heavily)
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back on Arlia...
ATLA: As you can see, many questionable people have been locked away in here.
ANOTHER ARLIAN: Welcome to Oz, bitch!
That’s right, YOU with the spiky hair!
You’re going to be my BITCH!
I’m going to sell you for a cigarette...
but not before I violate you, because you’re my BI--!
KING MOAI: I love ruling this planet with an iron fist!
Right, my Quee--?
[Arlia-shattering boom]
What in the great Arlian moon was that?
NAPPA: Hi!
KING MOAI: Who the f*** are you two?
NAPPA: Hi! I’m Nappa, and that’s Vegeta.
He was a prison bitch.
VEGETA: Shut the hell up, Nappa.
NAPPA: ‘K.
VEGETA: Anyway, we’re here because my partner’s an idiot.
Now that we’ve got introductions out of the way, I think I’ll just kill you and--
NAPPA: Hey Vegeta!
VEGETA: Oh God, what now?
NAPPA: I think that’s their Queen! I’m curious how they breed.
VEGETA: Oh goddammit Nappa, that’s disgusting! I say we just--
NAPPA: Hey! You guys! Breed for us!
KING MOAI: Why should we listen to *you*? You’re surrounded by my thirteen elite--
...dead guards.
Well, you heard him, honey!
NAPPA: They’re not doing anything. They’re just standing on top of each other, and--
{CRUNCH}
AWWWW, THERE WE GO!
[Bug sex noises]
KING MOAI: ...Oh, snap that thorax... [Bug sex noises]
KING MOAI: ...Oh, snap that thorax... [Bug sex noises; shutter clicks]
KING MOAI: ...Your sexy jowls... [Bug sex noises; phone vibrates]
[Bug sex noises; phone vibrates]
[Bug sex noises]
KING MOAI: ...Ah, there we go... [Bug sex noises; key depressed]
VEGETA: [disgusted] *OH*, God *dammit*, Nappa! [Bug sex noises]
[Bug sex noises]
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back on Earth, Piccolo has finally begun his training with Gohan.
GOHAN: So, Mr. Piccolo, what are you going to teach me today?
A brand-new technique? How to sense energy?
What about how to fly--?
PICCOLO: Dodge!
GOHAN: D'aah-haa!
[Birds chirping]
'Oh, man... this training with Mr. Piccolo is really difficult.'
'But I think I’m finally getting the hang of it--'
PICCOLO: DODGE!
GOHAN: What? WAAAAAAAAAAA...!
[Wind whistling]
PICCOLO: DOOOOOOODGE!! GOHAN: D'aah-haa!
PICCOLO: DOOOOOOODGE!!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice...
SUPERMAN: Alright everyone, we have to do something about these Saiyans.
They’re approaching Earth quickly, and I don’t think we have the strength to take them on alone.
Batman, what are your thoughts?
BATMAN: Well, I think--
AQUAMAN: I~ have an ideaaaa~!
BATMAN: Oh God, it’s Aquaman...
AQUAMAN: Come on, guys! We could use *whales*!
WHAAAAAAALES!
SUPERMAN: Someone! Get him out of here!
AQUAMAN: But the whaaaaales...
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back on Arlia...
KING MOAI: There, I banged my wife. Will ya leave us in peace?
VEGETA: Actually, no, I’m still going to kill you.
KING MOAI: ...Summon the Rancor!
NAPPA: Vegeta. It’s...
It's... [Rancor growls]
[Rancor growls]
IT’S SO CUTE!
Can I keep it? Can I keep it!?
VEGETA: Fine; just catch it or something.
NAPPA: Yaaaay!
Here, boy! Shake!
Ahhh, got your finger. [Rancor wails]
[Rancor wails]
Okay. Now, boy! Catch the ball. Catch the ball! Huagh!
Awwww...!
Aw, I broke-ded it, Vegeta.
It must’ve been made of something weak, like paper maché...
...or Raditz!
[Audio degraded due to copyright issues] KING MOAI: Please! We’ll do anything you want!
We’ll give you riches! Women!
Wait, what are you doing?
VEGETA: I’m about to rock you...
like a hurricane.
KING MOAI: I~ love that so--!
AAUGHWRRGH!!
VEGETA: Ha! Did you see that, Nappa? That was *totally* bada--!
W-what are you doing?
NAPPA: I’m cuddling it, Vegeta.
VEGETA: It’s dead, Nappa.
NAPPA: [anguished] NOOOOOOOOO!!
(Cries)... oh, I remember when we first got him, Vegeta...
[Barbara Streisand’s “The Way We Were” is not playing due to copyright issues]
[Just skip to 8:21 if you want to]
Ahh, good times.
[Audio back to normal] ATLA: You have freed our race!
You two are the greatest heroes known to our planet!
We shall erect statues of you...
NAPPA: Well, isn’t that nice of them, Vege--?
ATLA: ...out of our dung.
NAPPA: Well, isn’t that nice of them, Ve--?
VEGETA: We’re leaving, Nappa.
NAPPA: ‘K.
Look at us, Vegeta. We've saved an entire race from tyranny.
We’re heroes, Vegeta. We are a couple of really great guy--
...Ha ha! Ahaha! Aha! Ahhhhhh... tragic.
[♫ Closing theme (DBZ intermission) ♫]
GOHAN: 'Wow, I finally learned how to survive all by myself.'
'Live on my own, and surviving off the fat of the land.'
'Mr. Piccolo will be so proud--'
YAAAYYYAYAYAY...!
[Thud]
Ehhgruuh...
PICCOLO: DOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!!