Machine: Welcome, to MOG HOUSE
Tifa: Whyyyyyy...
Yuffie: Yo, shut up, tho! Check it:
Machine (repeating): MOG IS DEAD
[Tifa and Yuffie dying from laughter] Machine (repeating): MOG IS DEAD
Tifa: Oh my god! Machine (repeating): MOG IS DEAD
Machine (repeating): MOG IS DEAD
Tifa: [sigh] I bet Cloud's not having NEARLY as much fun right now. Machine (repeating): MOG IS DEAD
Cloud: AND FURTHERMORE...
Cloud: WHAT am I supposed to do with all the Gold Points I DON'T spend??
Dio: Please leave all your concerns for the head of our Complaints Department, Mr. Coates in Corel Prison.
Cloud: Your complaints department is a PRISON?!
Dio: Ah, a common misconception: the Complaints Department is IN the Prison.
Cloud: WHY is it in a prison?!
Dio: Needed space for the gondola!
Plus, you've been caught red-handed for murder, sooooooo...
Cloud: We were FRAMED! It was a man with a gun-arm who killed all those people, maybe!
Dio: [sigh] This has been such a stressful day.
What, with 1) counting all of my Gil...
What, with 1) counting all of my Gil... 2) Cleaning up my priceless antiques...
What, with 1) counting all of my Gil... 2) Cleaning up my priceless antiques... 3) Souping up my buggy...
4) Telling a man in a black cape with a tattoo on his hand that I don't know what Black Materia is...
Cloud: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
Hold on. Black cape?
That sounds a lot like SephiRO-
-OOOOOOO-
-OOOOOOOOO-
-OOOOOOOOOOO-
-OOOOOOOOOOOOO-
[deep breath]
-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
[Intro Theme]
[Sputtering, coughing]
Cloud: Everyone alright?
Aerith: Yup! Mog's big fluffy body broke our fall!
Mog: Whereas my spirit was already broken...
Cloud: Where the hell are we?
Cait Sith: Corel Prison.
It's completely surrounded by quicksand that'll drag you under faster than yer self esteem working for a corrupt organization.
Cloud: Workin' at Gold saucer was really that bad, huh?
Cait Sith: Ye-heah! Gold Saucer! That's- that's the thing I was talking about...
Aerith: Look, it's Barret!
Cait Sith: OH, KITTY LITTER!
It's the gun-armed man who moidered all dose people!
Mog: If only I had gotten there sooner.
Cloud: Look, just because Barret fit the description of the assailant to a t doesn't necessarily-
[Gross blood splurting sound]
Cait Sith: A picture's worth a thousand words, Cloud. [Gross blood splurting sound]
Cloud: And all of them are f**k.
Barret: Cloud?! Why the hell did you follow me after I biggity-bounced outta that station in a fit of rage?
Cait Sith: And where would you like to rate this rage on a scale of one to moiderous?
Barret: I dunno, six? Seven? Who the f**k are you for askin'?
Wait a second. Where's Tifa? Where's Yuffie?
Where's Red?
Cloud: Well, Tifa and Yuffie are probably off killing each other right now...
Yuffie: WE JUST GOT LAIIIIIIIID! [INTERCOURSE ACHIEVED]
Tifa: We are KILLING IT right now! [INTERCOURSE ACHIEVED]
Cloud: As for Red, he seemed really hurt by what you said to him...
None of us have seen him since.
Aerith: Barret, we heard about what happened at the Battle Arena...
Barret: You- You did?
Cloud: Yeah...
Barret, we have to know-
Barret: Ya'll need to leave.
Now.
This is somethin' I need to do on my own...
Aerith: Please don't run off again, Barret!
Whatever is wrong, we can help you! We're your friends!
Barret: I don't have any friends...
They're all dead and they ain't never comin' back.
Cait Sith (shouting): Are they dead because ya killed them?
Cloud: Barret...
C'mon guys, let's go finish what we started.
AND FURTHERMORE, MR. COATES...
Mr. Coates: I'm gonna stop you right dere, buddy.
Uh, see. If it wasn't obvious, da "Complaints Department" is just da name of our prison gang.
Cloud: Oh.
That would explain why your office is a truck...
Initiation Guy: Alright, rookie. Ready for your initiation?
Initiate: What are ya gonna do? Stab me?
Initiation Guy: Oh well, you're gonna do great around here!
[STAB] Initiate: Pleaugh!
Mr. Coates: Hey, this thing's got four walls and a door dat locks from the inside. Around here, that's a friggin' palace.
In fact, dis gig wouldn't be half as bad if it wasn't for da boss.
Cloud: Tch-yeah. That Dio guy is a piece o-
Mr. Coates: Ah-nananana. The NEW boss.
Yanno what he pays me in?
Cloud: Is it spray tan? Because you are layin' it on THICK.
Mr. Coates (deadpan): Coats.
But not just any coats...
Coats of his VICTIMS...
I've worn so many Guiseppe's...
SO MANY Guiseppe's...
Sometimes he makes me watch while he wastes them.
Eatin' coal with his right hand and mowin' 'em down with dat gun-arm on his left...
Cloud: Wait... A gun-arm?
On his left hand?
Coates... What else can you tell me about your boss?
Mr. Coates: Well, he used to live here.
Back when it used to be a town called "Corel".
Cloud: Alright! The traps' been set!
Now I just gotta wait to see if Barret picks up the bait-
Barret (shouting): Prison wives, your prayers have been answered!
Cloud: Awesome! It worked!
Barret: Cloud...
Did you put up fake posters of there being hot single prison wives in MY area in an attempt to lure me to this very specific location?
Cait Sith: The hard part was finding a printer!
Cloud: Looks like everything worked like a-
[Gun-arm cocking]
Cloud: -charm?
[Gunfire] [Cloud, Aerith, and Cait Sith screaming]
[dead]
Aerith: Is it bedtime already?
Mog: I would welcome the eternal slumber.
Cait Sith: See? This is why we don't get invited to mixers.
Cloud: Listen, Barret. I figured it out! You're-
Tifa: Innocent, bitcheeeeees~
Yuffie: Check it! That jacket guy's BOSS is the one who killed all those people at the Battle Arena!
Cloud (dismayed): What? But that's what I was gonna-
Tifa: Good job using your ninja-evesdropping technique, Yuf's!
Yuf's: Thanks, Tif's! Hey, can we get those robots to take us on that SICK drop again?
THAT WAS LIIIIIT!
Cait Sith: Oh my god, It was on fire?!
Aerith: So there's another man.
With a gun for an arm.
Barret: Yeah. There is.
It was four years ago...
Young Barret: Oh, golly gosh!
Our village!
Your family!
(despair) MY DYIN' NOW DEAD
WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!!
Dyne: To use coal's superior clean burning properties for EVIL... [Barret sobbing]
[Barret sobbing]
Dyne: What kind of MONSTERS would stain its purity?! [Barret sobbing]
Barret: Look, Dyne! Shinra troops!
Maybe they'll be able to help us out!
Shinra Mook 1: Guys! More innocent civilians!
Shinra Mook 2: What should we do?
Shinra Mook 3: Kill 'em?
Shinra Mook 4: Ain't goin' out of style!
[Gunfire]
Dyne: RUN, BARRET!
Barret: I'm a little busy dancing for my life right now!
Shinra... They destroyed our village... [Barret screams as he gets shot at]
They destroyed our COAL! [Barret screams as he gets shot at]
Barret: Why would Shinra d-d-do that?!
Scarlet: Ahahahahaha!!!
Yes, my minions!
Kill the terrorists who blew up our mako reactor!
Barret: But we would never blow up a mako reactor!
Shinra Mook 2: Oh, we know! We're just framing you!
BLEH!
Shinra Mooks: OH, SHIT!
Scarlet: He was new. Ignore him.
Now aim for Dyne and his sexually attractive friend!
[Dyne cries out as he falls]
Barret: Gotcha!
This is all my fault, Dyne!
I shouldn't have given in the temptation of modern technology!
Just keep hanging on, and you'll be back with your family in no time!
Dyne: No time's all I got, Brother.
Only one of us is going back to the village.
Barret: Don't say that!
I don't want you to die, Dyne!
And what about-
Dyne: You take care of her.
Treat her as you own.
And live by these words...
[Slow-motion evil laughter]
Don't.
Don't. Fuck.
Don't. Fuck. Up.
[BANG]
Barret: DYYYYYYYYNE!!!
Barret: DYYYYYYYYNE!!! Dyne: REMEMBER THE COOOOOOOOaaaaaalllll....
Barret: It was on that day...
I first swore...
Cloud: Revenge?
Doktrr: Okay, so we have a few options. First we have this new bronze gauntlet---
Barret: I want a f**king gun.
Doktrr: (leans forward) How big do you want it?
Barret: There were layers of swearing, yes.
Cait Sith: Okay, so just so we're all on the same page:
Dyne is the killer, and instead of getting revenge on the company that burned down his village,
he's just going around killing random people.
Tifa: So what's the plan?
Cait Sith: That's not weird to any of you?
Tifa: We gonna take him down or what?
Barret: There is no "WE" in this scenario, y'all.
So for the last time, please let me do this by myself.
Red: Nooooo!!!
I'm sorry, but a good dog can't let his bestest friend do this alone.
Cloud: Red? How did you find us?
Red (seriously): I followed the trail of dead bodies.
(jovially) Now I'm full.
Barret: Red, I thought I told you I HAVE no friends.
Red: Barret...
You told me that when you were but a wee lad,
every day you would go to your church and pray to whatever God would listen,
and you didn't care if you lost your arm, your friends, or the home in which you slept.
(tearing up) All you wanted was a talking dog best friend.
Now here you stand...
Armless and homeless...
But not talking dog best friend-less!
Barret: (tearing up) Red... I...
I'M SORRY, REEEEEEEED!!!
I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A BAD DOG AND PUSHED YOU AWAY!
I JUST DON'T WANT THE PEOPLE I LOVE TO KEEP DYHIHIYING.
Cloud: Wow. Even me?
Barret (still crying): SHUT THE F**K UP, CLOUD!
Cloud: Ehh, worth a shot.
Barret: I'm gonna find Dyne,
and I'm gonna make things right.
And I'm gonna do it...
with my talking dog best friend by my side!
Red: Oh my dog, does this mean?
Barret: Set your clocks, Red. Because it's-
Red: AVALANCHE TIME!!!
Barret: AVALANCHE TIME!!!
Red and Barret (slurring): AVALANCHE TIME!!!
Cloud: YEEAH, LET'S KILL PEOPLE!!
Barret: Dyne? Is that you?
Dyne (raspy): Hey, Brother. Long time no see.
Cloud [Off Screen]: Oh, that's foreboding!
Barret: CLOUD, SHUT THE HELL UP! THIS IS MY MOMENT!!!
It has been a long time. Four years, if I recall.
Dyne: Yeeeesssssss... *unhinged cackle*
Four long years... with no coal to light this dark world we live in.
Barret: Dyne, I came to apologize.
To make things right---
Dyne (cocks gun): Make things right? You can't make things right, Brother. No one can.
She told me so herself.
Barret: Who told you, Dyne? Your wife...?
Dyne: Noooooo. My mistress...
Coooaaaalllll.
Cloud [OS]: Ooooohhh, that's weird.
Dyne: The coal and I have become one, Brother.
It tells me everything.
Barret: So did the coal tell you to murder all those people at Gold Saucer?
Dyne: Yes, she did, Brother. *evil laugh*
Barret: And did the coal tell you why?
Dyne: Why? Does there gotta be a reason to why people do things?
(deep breath)
You think SHINRA had a reason to burn our town to the ground?
It was only when I fell into
DARKNESS
that I saw the light.
This world is a cruel place, Brother.
Everywhere I go, all I see is death and destruction.
Cloud: [OS]: Probably cause you're the one causing it!
Dyne: This planet is so full of resources...
...and people just abuse it!
People like
*increasing growl* SHINRA...
The planet gives, gives, and gives.
And all we do is
(gunshot) Take.
(another gunshot) Take. Take!
(yet another gunshot) Take. Take! TAKE!
Cloud [OS]: How are you not dead yet? You got shot like 50 times!
Dyne: SHINRA TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME!!!
My home. My family...
My coal...
I've got nothing left.
Barret: That's not true, Dyne! There's still someone left: Your daughter...
...Marlene.
Cloud [OS]: I knew it!
Barret: I went back to the village and found her. I've been raising her ever since. She's a healthy 8-year-old girl now.
Cloud [OS]: She looks four, if you ask me!
Dyne: Marlene...
My daughter...
The coal's telling me something, Barret. It's telling me to see Marlene again.
Barret: *relieved* Oh, that's great.
Cloud [OS]: Wait for it...
Dyne: So I can send her to her mother.
Cloud [OS]: Oooh, nothing but net!
Barret: *worried* Dyne, W-what are you saying?
Dyne: *more unhinged* What I'm saying, Brother...
[Gun-arm cocking]
...is that it's time to Dyne [dine] with death.
Cloud [OS]: *clapping* Ohhh! That's good!
*Boss battle time*
Barret: Dyne! It doesn't have to end this way!
Dyne: Yes it does, Brother! I shall reunite you with the ones you've lost...
With my coal gun!
Cloud:[OS]: At least he's consistent.
Barret: Dyne, for the last time--- *Gets shot*
I'm not--- *Gets shot by grenade launcher*
Going *Gets shot by laser* to fight you.
Dyne: YOU HAVE NO CHOICE, BROTHER!!!
Because if you don't, my path of destruction will continue.
And this world will be rid of every man---
Barret: No...
Dyne: Woman!
Barret: No!
Dyne: CHILD!
Barret: Noooo!!!
Dyne: And dog!
*Dyne laughs as he f**ks up*
Barret: *pissed* Hey, Dyne. You know what time it is, sucka?
Dyne: Excuse me?
Barret: I said...
(Limit Break activate)
DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS,
SUCCKKKKKAAA!?!
(explosion)
AVALANCHE time, mothaf**ka.
(Dyne groaning)
Glad to see you've only suffered minimal damage from that head-on grenade explosion, Dyne. [Seriously?!]
Now come on. Let's forget all about this, head back to Midgar and see Marlene.
*Dyne laughs weakly*
Dyne: You know I can't do that, man.
How can I hold my daughter?
With these hands so stained.
Barret: My hands ain't any cleaner, Dyne.
Cloud [OS]: If you put 'em together you'd have a pair.
*Red bites* Cloud [OS]: Oww! My hand!
Red: Read the room!
Dyne: Barret, you want to get out of here, show this pendant to my man, Coates. Then give it to-
...to Marlene...
It was her mother's.
Barret: Dyne... I-
Dyne: Don't let anger and hate control ya. Don't do what I did.
Be better!
Use your gun to shield the planet from Shinra!
Cloud [OS]: A gun can't shield things!
*Red bites again* Cloud [OS]: (whines) Oww! My other hand!
Barret: Dyne, I...
I promise. I'm going to protect this planet at all costs.
But let's do it together! We can involve coal, if you want!
Dyne: My coal is burnt out, brother.
Farewell. And remember:
Don't.
Don't. Fuck.
Don't. Fuck. Up.
Barret: Dyne!
Dyne...
DYYYYYYYYYYYYNNNEEEE!!!!
Red: Do you think he's alright?
Cloud: Well, he survived it the first time---
(explosion)
...
No.
(Victory fanfare)