-In the span of just a few hours,
President Trump caved
on the signature promise of his campaign
and one of his closest advisers
was indicted in the Russia investigation.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
It's not often that a single event
sums up an entire presidency, but on Friday,
we got one that came pretty close.
Remember, Trump brags that he only hires the best people,
calls the Russia investigation a hoax,
calls CNN fake news,
and his government shutdown left FBI agents without pay.
So it was especially ironic
when one of Trump's closest associates was arrested
by unpaid FBI agents working for the special counsel
in the Russia investigation,
and the whole thing was caught on tape by CNN.
[ Laughter and applause ]
The only way --
The only way that could have been more humiliating for Trump
is if Robert Mueller celebrated by eating a Happy Meal
at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And you know, when Trump first heard about the arrest,
he was furious to find out
that the FBI hadn't also been shut down.
[ As Trump ] What? I thought there were no laws
during the shutdown, like in that movie "The Purge."
[ Laughter ]
When do I get my purge? [ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] When, in fact,
the FBI was affected by the shutdown.
But that didn't stop them from making the arrest.
-These FBI agents making this arrest of Roger Stone
in Fort Lauderdale this morning, like every other FBI agent,
they're not being paid right now.
800,000 federal workers begin missing their second paycheck
this week. -Wow.
Imagine being such an ass[Bleep] that FBI agents
will come into work and arrest you for free.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"If you think I'm coming in --
Oh, Roger Stone? Yeah, on my way.
[ Laughter ]
Somehow, the day managed to get even more humiliating for Trump,
because just a few hours later, Trump was forced to cave
on the signature promise of his campaign
and reopen the government
without money for his border wall.
After 35 days of subjecting millions of people
to needless suffering and pain, Trump gave up.
And he did it in true Trump fashion
by rambling aimlessly about walls.
-Walls work. They do work.
No matter where you go, they work.
We have barriers at the border
where natural structures are as good
as anything that we can build.
They're already there.
They've been there for millions of years.
[ Laughter ]
Last year alone, ICE officers removed
10,000 known or "suspested" gang members,
like MS-13 and members as bad as them.
Horrible people. Tough, mean, sadistic.
Think of that. we apprehended 60,000 people.
That's like a stadium full of people.
A big stadium.
-Man, even right after suffering a humiliating defeat,
he still talks like the guy in front of me in line
at the pharmacy.
"Wow, a whole stadium, huh? Cool.
Hey, um, they're calling you. They have your pills."
[ Laughter ]
And because the speech made no sense,
Trump later had to follow up on Twitter
and insist that even though he caved
without getting anything he wanted,
he had actually won. -The president wrote, "I wish
people would read or listen to my words on the border wall.
This was in no way a concession."
-Yeah, we did listen. You said "suspested."
[ Laughter and applause ]
We were listening.
Also, if you have to tell people it wasn't a concession,
then it was definitely a concession,
like that time Custer wrote home from Little Bighorn,
"This was in no way my last stand."
[ Laughter ]
Trump caved after 35 days, got nothing.
You got to give credit to the air traffic controllers,
flight attendants, TSA screeners,
and custom agents who showed the power of labor solidarity.
And you got to give credit to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi,
who held out long enough and kept her caucus together.
Meanwhile, Republicans spent the last few days of the shutdown
at each other's throat.
-Frustration is growing among Republicans on Capitol Hill,
and we quote, "Republican Senators clashed
with one another and confronted Vice President Pence
inside a private luncheon on Thursday
as anger hit a boiling point
over the longest government shutdown in history."
'This is your fault,' Senator Ron Johnson told
Majority Leader Mitch McConnell at one point,
according to two Republicans who attended the lunch
and witnessed the exchange.
'Are you suggesting I'm enjoying this?'
McConnell snapped back."
-First of all, Mitch McConnell doesn't enjoy anything.
[ Laughter ] I think, at the very most,
he has a rudimentary nervous system
that allows him to respond to light and heat.
[ Laughter ] Enjoyment is beyond him.
Here he is in a bouncy house. [ Laughter ]
Here's Mitch McConnell doing a cannonball.
[ Laughter ] Second, it's all of your fault.
You could have ended the shutdown at any time,
but you subjected millions of people to needless misery
for a President who lied and a wall that won't work.
In other words, you're all... -Horrible people.
-So the shutdown gave us more evidence
that Trump is not the master deal-maker he claimed to be.
And the indictment of Stone,
who has been one of his closest associates,
gave us more evidence that he does not, in fact,
hire the best people.
Now, if you're not familiar with Roger Stone,
he's the third one. [ Laughter ]
He's also a longtime political dirty trickster,
known for his shady tactics and his bizarre outfits.
This is his actual outfit from the inauguration,
and by far the best thing about his arrest is
we can make fun of this picture again.
I mean, look at that.
Did Quentin Tarantino remake "Lincoln"?
[ Laughter ]
I didn't know "Downton Abbey" had a pimp.
[ Laughter ]
If he weren't a political consultant,
he'd be the world's oldest chimney sweep.
He looks like he got kicked out of the Magic Castle for vaping.
[ Laughter ] Mueller arrested him
on seven counts of perjury and five counts
of looking like Teddy Roosevelt's deadbeat dad.
By the way, that isn't even the only insane outfit he's worn.
Look at all these. These look like headshots
from the poster of a one-man show
called, "My Mother is Italian, My Father is Jewish,
and I'm in Jail." [ Laughter and applause ]
Stone got his start in politics
working for both Richard Nixon's presidential campaigns,
and he loves Nixon so much,
he famously has Nixon's face tattooed on his back.
Although it's equally possible that the tattoo
just burned itself into his skin while he was sleeping.
"You have the mark!"
And after Stone left the courthouse on Friday,
he celebrated his political hero
by doing the Nixon victory pose for the cameras.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself,
"Didn't Nixon resign in disgrace?
Maybe that's not the best pose to show you're innocent."
[ Laughter and applause ] But Stone doesn't remember that,
because he spent most of the '70s
traveling the world in a glass elevator
he stole from Willy Wonka. [ Laughter and applause ]
And if I were Stone, I'd be afraid of the parallels,
because Nixon's presidency ended, in part, over charges
that he obstructed justice,
and the indictment against Stone alleges
that he was very intent
on interfering in Mueller's investigation.
For example, Stone sent an e-mail
to a guy named Randy Credico, a radio host
who allegedly acted as an intermediary
with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange.
And in that e-mail, Stone tried to get Credico to lie
by citing a character from "The Godfather"
as an example to follow. -The special counsel
also indicted Stone for witness tampering.
This for allegedly attempting to sway radio host Randy Credico,
allegedly a go-between with Assange,
before Credico testified to Congress.
The indictment alleges that Stone said Credico
"should do a Frank Pentangeli,"
referring to a character in "The Godfather: Part II"
who lied to Congress. -That's right.
Stone literally told the witness to do a Frank Pentangeli,
a character in "The Godfather" who lies to Congress.
This guy was basically begging to be arrested.
I mean, he imitates Richard Nixon,
he quotes from "The Godfather,"
and he dresses likes Hannibal Lecter.
[ Laughter ]
But Stone's e-mail to Credico got weirder.
Stone allegedly threatened Credico
in an attempt to keep him quiet during the investigation.
And at one point, according to the indictment,
Stone even suggested he would steal Credico's therapy dog.
According to an e-mail included in the indictment,
Stone also said he would "take that dog away from you."
Man, it really doesn't help your case
when you make the same threats as the Wicked Witch of the West.
[ Laughter ]
He actually threatened to steal the guy's dog.
How much more of a villain can you be?
"I'll steal that dog of yours,
and then it's off to Monte Carlo in my autogyro!"
[ Laughter ]
That's it.
That was the last one about his outfit.
Yet even after threatening another guy's dog,
Stone had the audacity to complain
about the FBI's treatment of him
in a courthouse press conference on Friday.
-This morning, at the crack of dawn,
29 FBI agents arrived at my home,
with 17 vehicles with their lights flashing,
when they could simply have contacted my attorneys.
And I would have been more than willing
to surrender voluntarily.
They terrorized my wife, my dogs.
-Oh, now you're worried about dogs?
[ Laughter ]
Well, I hate to break it to you, buddy,
but when they heard you threaten one of them,
they flipped on you. [ Laughter ]
It's clear. [ Applause ]
[ Barking ]
[ Laughter ] It's clear what's going on here.
Stone is obviously angling for a pardon from Trump,
who has shown a willingness
to praise witnesses who refuse to cooperate
and attack those who do.
And to get that pardon, Stone has been going on TV,
complaining about the FBI and the media
to win Trump's favor,
like in this interview he did on "Fox News Friday."
-It's disconcerting that CNN was aware that I would be arrested
before my lawyers were informed.
That's disturbing.
If it was a dangerous situation
which would merit the SWAT team,
well, then CNN's cameraman would be in danger.
I'm not a flight risk. In fact, I think my passport
has expired or it will expire in a few days.
-That's silly.
You don't need a passport to travel via magic umbrella.
[ Laughter ]
I lied. That was the last one. [ Laughter ]
One after another, the President's closest associates
are being indicted or going to jail.
Trump says he only hires the best,
but Stone's indictment is more proof
that Trump surrounds himself with...
-Horrible people. -This has been "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]