Done right, hash browns may be the most fantastic fast food breakfast item ever created.
They're hot, they're crispy, and they almost never need ketchup.
Plus, they come in fun shapes.
Done wrong, though?
Yuck.
So, where should you go to get your hash brown fix?
Imagine a bagful of sizzling hot, golden hash browns,featuring an impossibly light and crispy
exterior, a delicately fluffy yet moist interior, and an ever-so-slight dusting of salt to round
out the natural potato flavor.
Now picture the exact opposite, and you'll know what to expect from Carl's Jr.
These aren't crispy and fluffy.
They're crunchy and dense.
They're the oat cakes of hash browns, woefully lacking in anything resembling substance,
let alone taste.
Also, the potatoes appear to be mashed, and mashed potatoes are about as exciting as dirt.
It's actually possible this will make you mad at Carl's Jr.
After all, this is a place that's also been associated with Froot Loop mini donuts, so
it's not like they're opposed to a little weirdness on the menu and, you know, flavor.
The one consolation is that they only cost a little more than $1.
Next.
We have to hand it to Dunkin'.
They do try, as you can see by the flecks of herbs in their hash brown circles.
According to the Dunkin' blog, the signature to their "seasoning profile" is a proprietary
blend of sage, garlic, and parsley, among other untold ingredients.
They also claim to source their potatoes from the U.S. Northeast and Pacific Northwest,
adding how "cool" this is.
What's not cool is how they taste suspiciously thawed out from a previous frozen state.
Hash browns shouldn't taste like something that flatlined and got deep-fried back to
life.
The crispiness is there, but there's a definite lack of fluff.
They're even slightly bendy, and bendy food just doesn't taste fresh no matter how many
herbs you put in it or how much you dress it up.
So the next time you're at Dunkin', do the smart thing and get yourself a warm, sugary
donut instead.
Del Taco's hash browns taste exactly like what you might think — an afterthought.
They're also called hash brown "sticks," a word that should not be applied to most types
of food.
Sticks are small and dry and they definitely don't say "fresh".
Maybe it's psychological, but these feel pretty small and dry, as well.
But they are fairly crispy, and crispiness is generally acknowledged to be the signature
of a good hash brown.
We just wish they'd make them a little heartier, and a little more potato-y.
In the meantime, it's best to stick with, well, what they do best.
"Could tacos get any more kick butt than this?”
Speaking of Mexican fast food restaurants with mediocre hash browns you may not have
known existed, there's Taco Bell.
Yup, Taco Bell also does breakfast, including hash browns.
They had to do something.
There's a whole morning crowd out there to feed and nobody eats Burrito Supremes at 8:00
a.m.
They eat eggs and potatoes.
So, like Del Taco, Taco Bell is simply supplying a demand, except with no taste or imagination.
Their hash browns are bland, slightly mealy, and as dry as the paper they come in.
Also, kind of thin.
Seriously, it's Taco Bell.
Would it be so wrong to want a little bit of grease?
Or a lot more salt?
They're seriously underwhelming, but hey, at least they're only $1.
Burger King calls them, quote, "a blissful breakfast favorite," but this is clearly marketing
mumbo-jumbo and not at all indicative of what these nugget-sized hash browns taste like.
Yes, they're crispy.
But they're also tragically plain, and curiously not even that potato-y.
That's what happens when you use no seasonings whatsoever, except salt, which doesn't really
count.
Salt is a given.
This is fast food.
And that brings us to a huge problem: a medium serving of Burger King's hash browns actually
contains 580 milligrams of sodium.
That's roughly a quarter of your day's sodium intake down the drain, all for 10 ultimately
flavorless deep-fried nuggets.
Pass… just stick with the coffee.
People are obsessed with Chick-fil-A, and for good reason: It's some darn tasty chicken.
Again, chicken.
The hash browns are a different story.
For one thing, they come in a box, which only works if you eat them right away.
Wait any longer, and you'll have what amounts to a sad pile of shredded potato balls that
have lost their crisp.
There's also an unidentifiable graininess to them, almost like dirt, and that's a texture
that's just super weird.
Ultimately, It's a shame these don't have a little more flavor.
With a bit more love and attention, it wouldn't be hard to elevate these sides to the same
level as their chicken… and that would be amazing.
Generally speaking, cafeteria food is pretty much the worst.
It's notoriously boring, not to mention gross.
There's not a reason in the world for a restaurant to invoke the heyday of cafeteria food, because
in reality there wasn't one.
Tater tots, however, are the exception.
The name alone makes us smile.
And Sonic's Tots are awesome.
These little cylinders are lightly crispy on the outside, flaky on the inside, and beyond
delectable.
But what really makes these so great is that they're simple, delicious, and — possibly
most important of all — they're so filled with nostalgia they're guaranteed to take
you to your happy place.
Crazy, right?
But just for a moment, forget the rest.
McDonald's hash browns are ridiculously perfect.
They're a handful of slightly sweet, buttery potato bits, dipped in magic, and enveloped
in magnificence.
One bite will simultaneously zing you back to being 10 years old again, and make you
grateful to be at an age where no one can tell you anymore you're not allowed to eat
at McDonald's.
They're the standard to which all other hash browns should be measured, although what makes
them so fantastic isn't exactly measurable.
Is it some kind of special salt?
Or maybe the beef flavoring they use in the fry oil?
Are they made with a secret recipe of exotic seasonings only known to a few select people
in the upper echelons of the McDonald's organization who have undoubtedly signed non-disclosure
agreements?
Whatever it is, they're what you call inspired.
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