Video games allow players to create their own experiences, make their own choices, and
be whoever they want to be.
But while many games are pure expressions of artistic freedom, others are just cynical
attempts to sell you something, whether it's a product, a personality, or a lifestyle.
It's embarrassing for the companies who make these games, but it's almost worse for the
players who get tricked into paying to play them.
If you've fallen for one of these, don't worry, we won't tell anyone.
But you may want to hang your head in shame as we take a look at the most embarrassing
video game cash-grabs you've ever played.
And even if you haven't played some of these games, it's pretty embarrassing just to watch
these disasters in action.
Shaq-Fu
If you thought Space Jam was the most random bit of pop culture junk featuring a basketball
player battling aliens, you clearly haven't played the 1994 release Shaq-Fu.
Starring NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, Shaq-Fu allows players to control Shaq as he battles
the evil forces of an interdimensional alien mummy to save the life of an innocent child.
Which… honestly sounds a lot cooler than the game actually is.
Actor, rapper, video game fighter, is there anything Shaq can't do?
...other than rap, act, or fight?
"I'm yummy and I know it doo doo do do doo doo doo"
"Doo do do doo doo doo...oh my bad"
Barney's Hide and Seek Game
Unless you're 4 years old, playing a Barney video game will do nothing but invite ridicule.
That's not just because you're playing a game literally meant for toddlers, it's because
you're playing a very stupid game meant for toddlers.
As you might expect, Barney's Hide and Seek Game is about hide-and-seek.
As Barney, you find five friends and five presents, and then you've beaten the stage.
Do that a handful of times, and you've won the game.
Sure, you expect a children's game to be easy, but Barney takes this to the ultimate extreme:
if you set the controller down, Barney will just walk to the end of the level and win,
without you doing anything.
Yes, the game literally plays itself, rendering the whole thing completely pointless, even
for the actual children it was meant for.
Simpsons Wrestling
In 2001, pro wrestling was more popular than ever, so naturally video games got in on the
trend.
That's why we got The Simpsons Wrestling, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds
like: wrestling matches starring your favorite characters from The Simpsons, each of whom
has particular special attacks, Flanders prays and hits you with lightning, Barney throws
mugs of beer at you, Krusty uses clown gadgets...you get the idea.
It actually sounds awesome, but unfortunately, it's tainted by terrible graphics, bad controls,
and worse sound.
Bummer, man.
Bible Adventures
If you love video games and God, the 1991 NES title Bible Adventures might be your salvation.
It contains three mini-games, though they're all variations on a theme: in Noah's Ark,
Noah brings animals to the Ark, in Baby Moses, Miriam brings Baby Moses down the Nile, and
in David vs. Goliath, David brings lost sheep to safety before finally battling Goliath.
Even more fun?
The game has various power-ups, which include Bible verses you can read.
Step aside, Mario, Moses is here!!
Pepsiman
Ever wanted to be a cola-themed superhero whose only power is jogging?
Then Pepsiman was literally made for you.
Released exclusively in Japan in 1999, the goal of Pepsiman is to control the titular
hero as he saves people from thirst by running around and distributing cold cans of Pepsi.
Not getting the message yet?
Well, don't worry, because the cutscenes between stages are Pepsi ads featuring...dudes drinking
Pepsi.
And… that's it.
That's the entire game.
"Pepsi, the choice of a new generation"
​Mary-Kate & Ashley: Magical Mystery Mall
In the 2000 PlayStation game Mary-Kate & Ashley: Magical Mystery Mall, players have to perform
a series of tasks to lift a curse that prevents girls from leaving a strictly regimented world
where they're forced to only do stereotypically feminine activities.
As a metaphor for the challenges facing 20th century feminism, it's interesting.
But as a video game, Magical Mystery Mall is terrible, not only because it totally buys
into its own stereotypes, but also because it's just incredibly boring.
In the game, the Olsens buy a magical necklace that freezes the entire mall and traps them
in it forever unless they can find the gems that will reverse the curse.
They do that by playing mini-games like getting dressed up for a photoshoot, filming a music
video, and serving pizza.
Cue the Olsen Twins pizza-video meme:
"Pasta!
Put it in the pizza!"
Complete all these tasks, and you're free, free to never play this game again.