>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO "THE
LATE SHOW."
AND PLEASE SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE.
JON, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
>> I'M GOOD.
I'M A LITTLE HUNGRY.
I'M THINKING OF COOKING SOME RED BEANS AND RICE.
>> Stephen: WHOO!
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOW, YOUR MOM'S RECIPE?
>> Jon: YEAH, EXACTLY.
MY MOM'S RECIPE, ONE OF THE PRODUCERS ON THE SHOW'S COOKED
UP A FEW AND I'M KIND OF GOING INTO A RED BEANS BATTLE WITH
HIM.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DRY ICE HIM MY PLATE.
>> Stephen: IT'S A RED BEAN THROWDOWN?
>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL IT, THE RED BEAN THROW
DOWN.
AND YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE THE RIGHT INGREDIENTS AND I JUST GOT THEM
SHIPPED IN, SO I'M ABOUT TO DO IT.
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
>> Jon: YES, YES.
>> Stephen: SAVE ME SOME.
>> Jon: OH, I WILL.
THEY MIGHT TURN BY THE TIME WE SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN, BUT I'LL
GET YOU NEXT TIME.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN HERE MEASURING OUT THE FINEST
BARREL-AGED NEWS STORIES, TOSSING IN SOME HAND-BLENDED
AROMATIC BITTERS, THEN SHAKING AND STIRRING THEM INTO THE
UPSCALE HIPSTER APERITIF THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES -- SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO
BATHTUB WITH GRAIN ALCOHOL, STIR IN A HALF-FINISHED BOX OF
WELCH'S GRAPE JUICE AND A GLADE PLUG-IN, AND LET IT FESTER
A COUPLE WEEKS, TO CREATE THE RAIL-YARD HOOCH OF NEWS THAT IS
MY QUARANTINED MEANWHILE SEGMENT "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
FILL MY.
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, EVEN THOUGH ALL OTHER SPORTS HAVE BEEN
SIDE-LINED, "SOMEHOW THE PANDEMIC HASN'T STOPPED SUMO
WRESTLING."
WELL, I BELIEVE MAKING THOSE MEN WRESTLE FOR THEIR ENTERTAINMENT
IS DANGEROUS AND IRRESPONSIBLE, AND JAPAN SHOULD GO BACK TO
SENSIBLE GAME SHOWS LIKE THIS.
( SHOUTING ) CRAZY WAY TO PICK A PRIME
MINISTER.
BUT I GUESS THEY HAVE TO LET THEM FIGHT.
IF THEY DON'T LET THEM OUT NOW AND THEN, THOSE SUMO WRESTLERS
MIGHT START STRESS EATING.
ONE MAJOR U.S. BOOKMAKER SAID "HIS COMPANY DECIDED TO ADD SUMO
WRESTLING TO ITS SPORTS BETTING OFFERINGS BECAUSE IT WAS ONE OF
THE FEW PROFESSIONAL LEAGUES STILL OPERATING."
GREAT.
SO YOUR CO-WORKER WHO WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT FANTASY FOOTBALL, NOW
WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT FANTASY SUMO.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW BAD FUJI-AZUMA SHANKED IT THIS
WEEKEND!
I SHOULD HAVE DRAFTED KAGAYAKI!
HE'S GOT A WAY BETTER OSHI-DASHI!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M FIRED?!" SO THE SUMO CONTINUES, BUT
WITHOUT A CROWD.
ONE FAN WATCHING THE MATCHES ON YOUTUBE FOUND THE EXPERIENCE
DIFFERENT, SAYING, "YOU COULD HEAR EVERYTHING.
YOU COULD HEAR THEM FART, YOU COULD HEAR GRUNTING, STUFF
YOU DON'T USUALLY HEAR."
YEAH, USUALLY TO HEAR FAT MEN FARTING AND GRUNTING WHILE
WATCHING SPORTS YOU HAVE TO GO TO A BUFFALO WILD WINGS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, YESTERDAY MORNING, THERE WAS A FLYBY OF
EARTH BY THIS ASTEROID WHICH, OBSERVERS HAVE POINTED
OUT, HAS "FEATURES THAT MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE ASTEROID
REMEMBERED TO WEAR A MASK."
PROVING ONCE AGAIN, EVEN A LIFELESS, FROZEN ROCK IS SMARTER
THAN MIKE PENCE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "IN WHAT MAY BE A MEDICAL FIRST, A WOMAN'S
SILICONE BREAST IMPLANTS HELPED DEFLECT A BULLET AND SAVE HER
LIFE."
SO STARTING NEXT YEAR, POLICE BULLETPROOF VESTS WILL BE
SLIGHTLY MODIFIED QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MOON
NEWWWWWS, NASA HAS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL "SHOOT LASERS AT THE
MOON TO HELP FIND WATER."
OH, GREAT.
WHEN THIS IS OVER, YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA BE PUSHING IT ON
YOU IN RESTAURANTS.
"WOULD YOU LIKE TAP, SPARKLING, OR MOON?"
NASA'S PLAN IS TO CREATE "A SPACECRAFT THAT WILL USE ITS
NEAR-INFRARED LASERS TO SHINE LIGHT INTO SHADED POLAR
REGIONS ON THE MOON, WHILE AN ONBOARD REFLECTOMETER WILL
MEASURE SURFACE REFLECTION AND COMPOSITION."
WHICH SOUNDS VERY COMPLICATED, BUT NASA DID PROVIDE THIS
HELPFUL SIMULATION VIDEO OF THEIR MOON LASER:
( CRASHING SOUNDS ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, "CLOWNS,
JUGGLERS AND GYMNASTS IN A TRAVELING CIRCUS ARE STUCK IN A
TEXAS PARKING LOT AMID THE LOCKDOWN."
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
IT'S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SOCIALLY DISTANCE IN A CAR WITH
50 OTHER CLOWNS.
"I SAID SIX FEET, WAFFLES!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "THE FEDERAL
AVIATION ADMINISTRATION IS INVESTIGATING AN AIRCRAFT
INCIDENT AT HAWTHORNE AIRPORT LAST FRIDAY INVOLVING ACTOR
HARRISON FORD."
IT SEEMS FORD WAS "PILOTING A PLANE THAT CROSSED A RUNWAY WHEN
ANOTHER PLANE WAS TRYING TO LAND."
THIS IS NOTHING NEW.
HARRISON FORD HAS A HISTORY OF FLOUTING AVIATION SAFETY RULES.
>> GET OFF MY PLANE!
>> STEPHEN: CROSSING A RUNWAY DURING A LANDING IS A BAD
SIGN.
LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME TO SIT HIM DOWN AND HAVE A DIFFICULT TALK.
"LISTEN, I THINK YOU KNEW THIS DAY WAS COMING, BUT YOU SEEM A
LITTLE CONFUSED BEHIND THE WHEEL THESE DAYS, SO... WE'RE
TAKING AWAY THE KEYS TO THE MILLENNIUM FALCON.
WE CAN'T RISK YOU MAKING THE JUMP TO HYPERSPACE THROUGH
A JAMBA JUICE."
THROUGH A STARBUCKS.
IT'S A DISTANCE, NOT A TIME!
I'M SORRY.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A TEXAS ZOO IS OPENING BACK UP TO THE PUBLIC
WITH A DRIVE-THRU EXPERIENCE."
FROM THE SECURITY OF INSIDE THEIR VEHICLE, "VISITORS WILL BE
ABLE TO SEE LIONS, TIGERS, AND BEARS."
OH, MY.
THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER THOUGHT, "I WISH
BIRDS WEREN'T THE ONLY ANIMALS POOPING ON MY CAR."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A SWEDISH CITY WILL SPREAD MANURE AT A
FESTIVAL VENUE TO DISCOURAGE CROWDS" AT AN UPCOMING
"SCANDINAVIAN HOLIDAY USUALLY MARKED WITH BONFIRES AND SINGING
AND DANCING TO FOLK SONGS."
A MUSIC FESTIVAL WHERE THE GROUNDS ARE COVERED IN POOP?
THAT... IS A MUSIC FESTIVAL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SENATE DEMOCRATIC LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER.
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