- I became an ordained minister last year
'cause I had two friends that got married
and they asked me to officiate the wedding.
To legally officiate, I had to become an ordained minister.
So I went online, paid $19, instantly ordained.
For $19 you guy the certificate,
and for an extra $9 you can get a clergy parking pass.
But I live in New York, I don't even own a car,
but I know what a nightmare parking in the city can be.
So I sprung for it and I've been loaning it out
to my friends with cars for a few dollars a day
and now I understand how easily corrupted
religious leaders can become. (audience laughs)
It was like I've only been an ordained minister
for a year and I'm already running a very lucrative
underground parking scheme. (audience laughs)
For the Lord.
I liked officiating the wedding though.
It was good to be around a wedding because I actually got
married myself three months ago.
I'm three months in and I very much like being married
but I'm still not used to wearing the wedding ring at all,
like it doesn't feel natural on my finger.
But I do like wearing a wedding ring
'cause it lets me know when I've had too much sodium.
(audience laughs) Like I don't need an app
or a Fitbit or a calorie counter.
It's like oh, my left ring finger's about to fall off?
Yeah, maybe I'll have a salad for lunch.
(audience laughs)
But yeah, I don't fight with my wife a lot
but we did get into a vicious fight a few weeks ago
'cause one night I was trying to sleep
and she ate an apple in bed.
What kind of psychopath eats an apple in a silent room?
Think about that, hear it in your mind's eye.
I was fast asleep,
woke up to what I thought was an earthquake,
it was a fucking granny smith.
I was like, "What the hell is wrong with you?
"Take that shit to the den or eat a banana.
"You know how many silent fruits there are.
"You're gonna eat the loudest one next to a sleeping body?"
You can't plan a future with a sociopath like that.
And it bothered me because I have a neural disorder
called misophonia.
If you don't know, misophonia is where you get like
an irrational, visceral,
rage towards one sound in particular
and for me that is the sound of people eating.
It drives me crazy, I hate the sound of chips being chewed,
hate the sound of soup being slurped.
So it goes without saying that I really hate the sound
of someone eating cereal which is just something crunchy
being chewed while liquid is being slurped.
Like I feel about hearing someone eating cereal
the way Mike Pence feels about gay refugees,
it's like a combination of my two least favorite things.
I don't agree with his politics,
it was just a spot on analogy.
Fucking relax Brooklyn.
(audience laughs)
I don't know.
My friends have told me though
that I should use exposure therapy to get over misophonia.
They think that if I'm exposed to the sounds
that I don't like I'll stop being annoyed by them.
But I know exposure therapy doesn't work for me
because I've been exposed to things that I don't like
in the past and it backfired horribly.
Like I'm not joking, and I don't know why,
but I'm serious when I tell you
that my biggest fear on Earth is conjoined twins.
The connected people?
They scare the shit out of me.
About 10 years ago I was in line at a fast food restaurant,
thought I saw conjoined twins walking in
and passed out cold, on the spot.
Turns out it was just two young girls sharing a coat,
but I saw two heads and one coat, and passed out.
When I woke up and saw they were two separate human beings,
I finally calmed down, until I heard how loud
they were eating their food.
I've talked about this on certain shows, though,
and after some shows I've occasionally had people actually
come up and point out to me,
that in certain Asian cultures you're encouraged
to chew with your mouth open
because it's seen as a sign of respect to the chef
letting them know that you appreciate the flavor
of the food, so you eat loudly to let them know that.
And I wanna be culturally sensitive so that's why
to avoid losing my temper in public,
whenever I see someone chewing with their mouth open,
I just pretend their Asian.
No matter what.
See a white dude chewing with his mouth wide open?
I'm just like that albino Korean
respects the chef.
I can feel you guys tightening up on me
and it's okay, it doesn't bother, I'm used to this,
'cause any time you do racial material in America
people get sensitive 'cause racial tensions
are high in America.
And I do think a lot of the reason there is so much
racial tension in America is because most Americans
don't interact with people different than themselves.
Like not everyone lives in a diverse city.
Most Americans live in really small, homogenous populations
and you can tell they don't have to interact
with people different from themselves.
And I do think that contributes to a lot of the racial
tension that we see.
And I mean this from the bottom of my heart when I say,
I think you should never hate someone based on their race.
That's truly what I think, I think you should never
hate someone based on their race.
However, (audience laughs)
I do think you should hate at least one person
from every race.
'Cause if you don't hate at least one person
from a particular race, you obviously just don't know
enough people from that race.
Like every group of people have some bad apples.
If you can't think of at least one that you don't like
that just speaks to a lack of exposure.
Which means that your overly loving opinion
is still coming from a place of ignorance.
So in a very weird way,
if you don't hate at least one person from every race,
you're kind of racist.
That joke didn't do well and I will refuse to have them
remove it from my set because I'm not
(audience laughs) I don't give a fuck,
I'm not wrong.
This just 90% white crowd in Brooklyn was not prepared
for the mirror that I just held up to you motherfuckers.
Don't clap now, you had your opportunity to like the joke.
Fuck off, we are not on the same team anymore,
but I don't care, I'll finish this god damn set.
(audience laughs)
So race issues, class issues as well.
May as well go in now.
No, hey, I feel like over the last three years in America
we've also decided across the board that we hate rich kids.
Which feels weird to me.
Like if their assholes about it, yeah.
If they're the type of rich kid that'll like
challenge you to a ski race for the right
to their father's mountain, then that's a hateable rich kid,
for sure. (audience laughs)
But, if they're otherwise really nice,
hardworking individuals who just happen
to have wealthy parents, then what did they do wrong?
We hate rich kids but we don't hate lottery winners.
And in both cases, it just comes down to being lucky.
It's like why is it okay to be lucky in a 7-Eleven
and not in your father's ball sack.
No but there are a lot of class issues, they are legitimate,
and I am sensitive to them.
A lot of jobs don't get paid what they deserve
and that's problematic.
The number one job that people cite is teachers,
obviously teachers deserve way more.
The problem is when people are arguing on behalf
of teachers getting paid more,
they always use the wrong example.
Most common cliche we hear is,
it's a shame how much athletes make
versus how much teachers make, we've all heard that, right?
I used to be a teacher.
I'll be the first person to tell you teachers deserve
way more money, no doubt about it.
But that has nothing to do with how much athletes get paid.
Those are two completely separate arguments.
The fact is, for the most part, in America,
people get paid according to scarcity of their skillset.
And there simply are way more people mentally capable
of teaching children how to read,
then there are people physically capable
of dunking a basketball.
So if we wanna narrow the wage gap, we don't need
to raise teacher's pay, we need to lower the rims.
Just saying, make the hoop eight feet tall,
Lebron's making 60 grand next year, so.