Hey there, this is Clay with RelationshipInnerGame.com.
And in this video we're going to be talking about whether or not No Contact, the No Contact
Rule actually works.
So if you are going through a breakup and you maybe want to get back together with your
ex, you've probably done a little bit of research out there and you've probably heard of this
thing called the No Contact Rule.
It's basically says, Hey, don't contact your ex for a certain period of time.
It kind of changes depending on which website you're reading and all that stuff.
But, it says, Hey, don't contact your ex for a certain period of time if you want to get
back together.
So I'll admit I have been through a breakup before.
I did get my ex back.
I've been where you're at.
I've been on those websites that say do the No Contact Rule.
And I'll be honest, when I was at that point in my life, the idea of doing No Contact,
it scared me.
It scared the crap out of me.
It really did.
I thought that whatever small, fragile thread of connection and communication that we had
was like the one thing that was keeping us together and the idea of actually like cutting
contact.
It was so terrifying.
But eventually I did it and I'm glad that I did it, but that's what we're talking about
today.
No Contact Rule.
Does it actually work?
Okay.
And to answer this question, it's important to get clear on what exactly you mean by does
it work?
Does it work for what?
And you might be thinking, well duh, does it work to get my ex back?
And we have to kind of look at this in a little bit of a different light because I know that
a lot of people out there believe that there is one No Contact Rule out there that somehow
all of the relationship experts in the world agree on.
But no, there's not one No Contact Rule.
There are many, many, many, many, many different types of No Contact.
Just like how there's not one diet out there.
There's many, many different types of diets out there.
And so it really depends on what your outcome is.
Okay.
So I am a little bit well known I guess for really popularizing this idea that there are
different types of No Contact out there and that kind of break it up into two different
types of No Contact, two main families of No Contact.
There's Passive No Contact where you're basically just cutting contact with your ex and just
hoping and praying and just scratching and crawling through the 30 days or whatever,
that you're not contacting your ex and then you're just picking up the phone again and
saying like, Hey, what's going on?
Reaching out again.
Right?
That's Passive No Contact because you're not really doing anything to fundamentally change
the dynamic between the two of you.
You were just cutting contact and hoping that time passes and then that's going to make
all the difference.
And then there's the kind of No Contact that's I have kind of popularized called Active No
Contact.
And this is about actively doing things that will help the two of you interact, connect,
and relate better after the period of No Contact is over so that when you reach back out, when
you reestablish that contact, there's actually a very good reason for your ex to want to
spend more time with you, connect with you, and eventually maybe even get back together
with you again.
Okay?
So I'm an advocate of Active No Contact.
Obviously I don't think that just passing time is going to necessarily help you very
much.
There's also some other motives that people might have when it comes to No Contact.
There's the whole reverse psychology motive where it's like, hey, if I stopped contacting
my ex, they'll miss me.
They'll think that I've moved on or something like that.
And then they'll miss me.
And then they'll reach out and start contacting me for a change.
And, ha ha, I'll finally turn the tables on them and they'll actually start calling me.
They'll actually start texting me and then I'll be the one in control.
And I don't think that's a really good game to play, number one, it often doesn't work.
By "work," I mean make your ex jealous and reach out to you.
But, number two, it's also a mind game sort of thing and we all know that mind games aren't
a good foundation for a relationships and all that stuff.
But number three, it's also a good way to be disappointed because I've helped a lot
of people through breakups and I've seen a lot of people try this sort of strategy and
it often doesn't really work out the way they want it to and they just feel disappointed
that they've wasted a month of time doing some sort of like Passive No Contact, hoping
that it would make their ex miss them and reach out and it didn't work out.
So, I don't recommend that.
Another common motive that people have for doing No Contact is for healing themselves
from the breakup.
That's great.
I think that healing yourself from a breakup is obviously something that you definitely
want to do.
Even if you want to get back together with your ex, you want to heal from that breakup.
You want to be in a place where you're not in super panicked Damage Control Mode sort
of mindset.
So, I do think that No Contact of any form can be helpful at just getting that under
control.
There's also the whole No Contact thing about helping your ex sort of move on from the heat
of the breakup, the intense raw emotion of the breakup.
And then, after like a month or something, the two of you can be a little bit more rational,
a little more civil, a little bit more composed around one another and, sure, that's all great
and everything like that.
But I like to take it one step further and use the period of No Contact for going out
of your way to develop what we call Advanced Relational Skills that we've talked about
in many videos on this channel that we talk about on our website RelationshipInnerGame.com.
And we want to work on these skills and strengthen them like a muscle.
You know, going to the gym and working on your muscles so that you can actually become
stronger, lift heavier things and all that.
But it's more of an interpersonal kind of exercise and gym.
And, we want to work on these Advanced Relational Skills during this period of No Contact so
that when the No Contact is over and we reach back out, when we restore contact with her
ex, we are able to connect with them in a much more meaningful and deep and powerful
way than we were before.
Which sends a very strong message to them, that, number one, things are different.
This is not the same game.
This is not the same dynamic they walked out the door off in the first place.
This is totally something different.
And, number two, it also gives them a damn good reason to want to spend more time with
you and possibly even entertain the idea of getting back together again.
So does No Contact Work?
It really depends on what your motives are.
If you want to make your ex jealous, probably not very reliably.
If you want to heal from the breakup, sure it could work.
I mean, it depends on what you do during that time.
Like there's things that you can do that will help you heal.
There's things you can do that won't help you heal.
It depends on what you do in terms of helping your ex sort of move past the intensity of
the breakup.
Sure.
That helps too.
In terms of giving you the time and energy and space to focus on working on the skills
that you need to connect better with your ex and give them a really good reason to get
back together with you.
Yes.
The No Contact Rule can help you do that if you do it the correct way.
If you follow what I call the Active No Contact Rule, so if you want to learn more about this,
if you want to get back together with your ex and if you want some help and advice on
this whole No Contact business on this whole idea of connecting better with your ex, please
head on over to our website RelationshipInnerGame.com.
You can fill out a quick little survey that just sort of gives us a little bit of information
about you and where you're at with your whole relationship and breakup and all that stuff
so that we can give you the right kind of advice to help you get back together with
your ex.
So if that's something you're interested in, go check us out RelationshipInnerGame.com.
If you like what we're doing here on this channel, please go ahead and give us a thumbs
up and subscribe to the channel.
And you know, if you want to share your opinions or your experiences with No Contact, Passive
No Contact, Active No Contact, anything else, please go ahead and leave a comment down below.
And again, this has been Clay with RelationshipInnerGame.com.
I'll talk to you again in the next video.
Thanks.