-Now I thought I'd share some of my favorite
#ItShouldBeIllegalTo stories from you guys.
This first one here is from @WantPeace4All.
That's nice. He says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
You still look the same, Karen!
This one's from @CJ7Ten.
-Ooh, CJ7Ten.
-He's 7'10".
He's like a gentle giant.
-Yeah, 710. 7'10".
-He says...
"Leave me alone!" [ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you!
Power saver mode on your TV.
-Leave me be.
This is from @lissyisbusy.
-Oh, she is. [ Laughter ]
She's very busy.
-She says...
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's simple math! -Illegal.
-This one's from @dontatme...
-Oh, well, then don't.
[ Laughter ]
-...30. She says...
[ Applause ]
No, actually we only do -- Sorry, we only do --
-Chips? -What's that?
No, we only check your swipes.
-Okay, so I should swipe it. -No, we take checks.
-Wait, you take checks?
-Just put the chip in and wait for the beep.
Don't remove it. -Okay, wait a second.
-Don't take it out!
Seriously, a lot of screwed-up things will happen.
-I'm not gonna take it out.
-Oh, aisle four was just destroyed.
Please stop touching the chip.
-Alright, I'm taking it -- -You got to sign it.
You have to sign it.
You have to pay for the person behind you as well.
[ Laughter ]
This one's from @Megan18495602.
Very easy.
How come you never tweet me, you idiot?
-Well, why don't you just tweet me --
-Just do -- it's so simple.
-Okay, what's your name on Twitter?
-@Jimmy24191949 -- sorry, 1-5-3.
You're, like, not my friend. I'm unfollowing you.
-No, I'll get it. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Give it to me again. One more time.
-What were you just doing?
-I was erasing numbers.
-Were you on WhatsApp?
-I was on my calculator. I was writing on --
[ Laughter ] I was on the wrong app.
I just learned how to erase on a calculator.
3-5-8-4.
-Just do it the way in the rhythm.
2-3-4, blah, blah, blah. -Yeah.
-Don't do it in twos.
[ Laughter ] -Here's my number.
9-7, 3-6-4. -1-9, 1-4.
-Wait, what?
How am I supposed to -- -1-1-1-9-9-1-1-1-9-1-1.
[ Laughter ]
-4-8-4-8-9-3-8-7.
-This is from @Megan18495602 -- -Empire.
[ Laughter ]
-She says...
No, come on, hey. -Hey, come on.
-Come on. -Come on, front butt.
That's rude.
-This one's from @AGillenwater98.
-AGillenwater98?
-Not Jillen Water.
-Gillenwater? -Oh, Gillenwater.
-Gillenwater?
-A -- This is from AGillenwater98.
-A gill in water? Maybe it's like a fish reference.
-No. [ Laughter ]
No -- Gillen, G-I-L-L-E-N.
-Like Gilligan from "Gilligan's Island"?
-No, that's Gilligan, as, like, you just said.
So, it's Gillen.
But I see where you made the mistake.
-Yeah, yeah, I made the mistake. I misheard.
I thought you said Gilligan.
-You thought that I said "Gilligan's Island."
-Yes. -Instead I said AGillenwater98.
-Well, Gilligan lives, is -- he's surrounded by water.
-No spoilers. I've never seen the show.
-Are you serious? [ Laughter ]
Alright, I don't want to ruin it.
They go for a three-hour cruise.
-Is that where they go and their fantasies happen?
Just don't spoil it.
This is from @AGillenwater98.
He says...
-Oh, cold-blooded. [ Applause ]
-Then you're in Satan's hands.
-Yeah, oh.
-This one's from @margesondanny.
He says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Illegal! -I signed customer copy!
-This last one's from @mariabrandont.
She says...
-Oh! -There you have it.
Those are our "Tonight Show" hashtags.
To check out more of our favorites,
go to tonightshow.com/hashtags.
-♪ Hashtags ♪
-Now I thought I'd share some of my favorite
#HowIGotDumped stories from you guys.
Here we go. This first one's from @kyleosmon.
He said...
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
It's like, "What's going on?"
-Wake up!
-This ones from @ItsNotTheFall.
"It's not the fall"?
Is that a famous thing?
It's not -- It's not the fall.
Talking about seasons?
[ Laughter ]
It's not the fall that hurts...
-It's the coffee? The bunk?
The rehab? [ Laughter ]
It's not the fall, it's the rehab.
-I'm thinking skiing. I'm thinking skiing.
-Oh, I was thinking falling from grace, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, you were thinking fall from grace.
-Yeah, like, you know, you hit rock bottom,
you have to go to rehab. Something like that, whatever.
[ Laughter ]
-Everything okay, man? -Nah.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sleeping on my couch in the office.
-We'll talk about this later. We shouldn't say this --
shouldn't do it on national television.
This is from @ItsNotTheFall.
She -- She says...
[ Audience groans ]
[ Wah-wah! ]
-Oh, come on! -It's not the fall.
-Yeah, not the fall. -Holy moly.
If that ever happened... Wow, wow, wow.
This one's from @NotGlue.
[ Laughter ]
-Not the fall and not glue. -Not the fall and not glue.
-Not glue. That's not glue, dude.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Andrew Karn.
[ Laughter ]
-He says...
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
"I had nothing to do --" -There's other stuff going on.
[ Laughter ]
-This one's from @matadorchick.
-Ooh. Nice. No bull.
-She likes matadors. -Yeah.
-She says...
[ Laughter ]
What?
-That's it.
-Well, folks, that's the ball game.
-Lates. -[ Chuckles ]
This one's from @Ash10G.
She says...
[ Laughter ]
-Oh. -Wow!
Wow! ♪♪
Wow.
-Ouch!
-This last one's from @kalsimanmeet.
He says...
There you have it!
Those are our "Tonight Show" hashtags.
To check out more of our favorites,
go to tonightshow.com/hashtags.
-♪ Hashtags ♪
-Now I thought I'd share some of my favorite
#WhyDidISayThat tweets from you guys.
Here we go. This first one's from @mopage19.
He says...
[ Laughter ]
This one's from @TheMostKing4.
He says...
[ Laughter ]
-Which town?
-This one's from @teenager423.
He says...
-Yeah. -This one's from @RobynProctor1.
She says...
[ Laughter ]
I like montofri. -Oh.
-Let's try it. -I've had that.
I usually don't like it.
-I like fried food.
-I love montos.
-I love montos, yeah.
This one's from @kristennd.
She says...
"I was trying on the shirt. I own these."
-I meant...
-Oh, this is a good one.
This one's from @kingedhill.
He says...
[ Laughter ]
"I want extra fries.
You know what? Make that two extra fries.
You listening to me?"
[ Laughter ]
-"You're not listening to me!
-It was a garbage can.
This last one's from @lweaveee.
She says...
There you go. He's up twice.
Those are our "Tonight Show" hashtags.
To check out more of our favorites,
go to tonightshow.com/hashtags.