WHILE THE DEMOCRATS DEBATED IN IOWA, TRUMP TRIED TO STEAL THE
LIMELIGHT BY HOLDING A "KEEP AMERICA GREAT" RALLY UP IN
MILWAUKEE.
TRUMP KICKED THINGS OFF WITH A MOVE FROM SPEECHWRITING 101.
>> AND YOUR GREAT GREEN BAY PACKERS ARE PLAYING
SAN FRANCISCO THIS WEEKEND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO, DO WE HAVE ANY GREEN BAY PACKER FANS HERE TONIGHT?
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T ASK A CROWD IN MILWAUKEE IF THEY ARE
GREEN BAY PACKER FANS.
THAT IS THE CHEAPEST PLOY FOR APPLAUSE. MY AUDIENCE WOULD
NEVER FALL FOR IT, BECAUSE THEY'RE THE SMARTEST, MOST
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, AM I RIGHT?!
OH, YEAH!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT KILLING
SOLEIMANI, AND HAD HIGH, IF STRANGE, PRAISE FOR OUR
MILITARY.
>> THESE GUYS WERE BETTER THAN TOM CRUISE AT HIS BEST.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "BETTER AT FLYING JETS THAN
TOM CRUISE IN 'TOP GUN.' BETTER AT MAKING COCKTAILS THAN
TOM CRUISE IN 'COCKTAIL.' BETTER-- BETTER AT RAINING MEN
THAN TOM CRUISE IN 'RAIN MAN.'" "BETTER AT INTERVIEWING VAMPIRES
THAN..."
THEN TRUMP DUG INTO SPECIFICS LIKE "WHEN IS NOW?"
>> AND IS THERE EVER, EVER A BETTER PLACE TO BE THAN A TRUMP
RALLY ON SOME NIGHT DURING SOME WEEK?
( LAUGHTER )
IDEA WHAT DAY IT IS.
( LAUGHTER )
"I'LL NEVER FORGET THE WONDERFUL NIGHT AND/OR DAY WE'RE HAVING
HERE IN UNNAMED SCREAMING PLACE, U.S.A."
GO, UNNAMED TEAM!" THEN, THE PRESIDENT RAMBLED ON
ABOUT STUFF HE LIKED.
>> YOU KNOW, I LIKE GOLF, AND I LOVE MY GRANDCHILDREN.
I DON'T THINK I COULD TALK TO SOMEBODY ABOUT THEM FOR 45
MINUTES THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL GRANDCHILD, HE IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL, HE IS SO
GREAT.
OKAY, WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO SAY?
RIGHT?
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I LOVE MY GRANDCHILDREN, WHO
DEFINITELY HAVE NAMES, WHICH I KNOW, AND WHO WERE BORN ON SOME
NIGHT DURING SOME WEEK, SOME PLACE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: TRUMP SPECULATED ON HOW THE WORLD WOULD BE DIFFERENT
IF A DEMOCRAT HAD BEEN ELECTED IN 2016.
>> YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BOUGHT ALL THOSE BRAND-NEW "KEEP AMERICA
GREAT" HATS.
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.
NO, NO, THAT CHECKS OUT.
YES, WE HAVE PAID A PRICE: AMERICA'S LOSS OF STANDING IN
THE WORLD, THE DESTRUCTION OF OUR CONSTITUTIONAL NORMS,
MASSIVE AND FLAGRANT CORRUPTION...
BUT HATS.
( LAUGHTER )
FAVORITE TOPIC: HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.
>> I BROUGHT BACK THE OLD LIGHT BULB.
>> Stephen: NOTHING-- NOTHING MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE AN OLD MAN
MORE THAN SCREAMING "I BROUGHT BACK THE OLD LIGHT BULB!
IT WAS IN THE GARAGE.
IT WAS IN THE GARAGE BY THE THING WITH THE BOX WITH THE PINE
CONES AND LAST YEAR'S TINSEL!
HEY, CLOSE THAT DOOR!
I'M NOT PAYING TO AIR CONDITION THE NEIGHBORHOOD HERE!"
TRUMP WASN'T AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT THE HOTBUTTON ISSUES--
LIKE DISHWASHER EFFICIENCY.
>> I'M ALSO APPROVING NEW DISHWASHERS THAT GIVE YOU MORE
WATER SO YOU CAN ACTUALLY WASH AND RINSE YOUR DISHES WITHOUT
HAVING TO DO IT TEN TIMES.
FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, 10!
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, WE CANNOT LET THIS GUY BECOME
PRESIDENT.
SECOND--
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: NO!
NOT AT ALL!
>> Stephen: JUST CAN'T.
SECOND, NOBODY DOES THAT.
NOW THIS IS-- IT'S ALL MADE UP.
AND, THIRD, I'M GOING TO SAY, WE SHOULD NOT TAKE DISHWASHER
ADVICE FROM A MAN WHO EATS EVERY MEAL OUT OF A CARDBOARD BUCKET.
IN THE END--
IN THE END-- CARDBOARD BUCKET!
IN THE END, TRUMP GOT REALLY UPSET WITH THE MEDIA FOR...
REPORTING THINGS.
>> ANYTHING I SAY THAT'S EVEN SLIGHTLY FALSE, IT'S HEADLINES.
"TRUMP SAID THIS"-- THESE PEOPLE, "HE SAID THIS."
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "EVERY TIME I LIE, THE MEDIA'S
LIKE 'THAT'S A LIE!' I'M LIKE, 'NO LIE.'
WHY CAN'T YOU LIE ABOUT MY LIES?
THESE PEOPLE, WITH THE EARS AND THE FINGERS."
( LAUGHTER )
WEREN'T THE ONLY NEWS TODAY.
BECAUSE WE'RE ALSO AT THE BRINK OF THE PRESIDENT'S
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IN THE SENATE.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "DON AND
THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> TELL ME WHAT I DID, PLEASE!
LAUZ >> Stephen: WHEN LAST WE MET,
THERE WAS A STANDOFF PITTING HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI
AGAINST SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND GOOGLEY EYES GLUED ON AN
UNCOOKED CHICKEN THIGH, MITCH McCONNELL.
McCONNELL OPPOSES HAVING WITNESSES IN TRUMP'S SENATE
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, AND IN RESPONSE, PELOSI REFUSED TO SEND
OVER THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT.
BUT NOW SHE'S READY TO MOVE AHEAD, AFTER POINTING OUT ONE
INESCAPABLE TRUTH: >> THIS PRESIDENT IS IMPEACHED
FOR LIFE, REGARDLESS OF ANY GAMESMANSHIP ON THE PART OF
MITCH McCONNELL.
THERE IS NOTHING THE SENATE CAN DO THAT CAN EVER ERASE THAT.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I CAN'T ERASE IT, BUT IF I USE
MY MAGIC MARKER I CAN CHANGE IT TO THE 'FARTICLES OF
IMPOOP-MENT.'
LEGACY SECURE, NANCE."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
COME ON!
ON, MARK YOUR CALENDARS, BECAUSE TODAY MITCH McCONNELL ANNOUNCED
THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL WILL START NEXT TUESDAY.
TO WHICH THE PRESIDENT RESPONDED:
(AS TRUMP) "I'M SORRY, MITCH, THAT DOESN'T
WORK FOR ME.
I HAVE SOMETHING ON TUESDAY, IT SAYS HERE: TACO."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.