-Enjoy yourself. Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ] I appreciate it.
Guys, some big entertainment news.
Netflix has officially confirmed that a second season
of "Squid Game" is coming soon.
[ Cheers and applause ]
So, if you forgot what happened in season one,
congrats -- that means therapy's working.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, after COVID, Ukraine, and inflation,
critics are already calling it
"the feel-good comedy of the year."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, this season's gonna be pretty intense,
mostly 'cause all the players are competing
for a single gallon of gas. [ Laughter ]
Everyone's talking about this. A senior software engineer
at Google was suspended after he claimed
that the company's artificial intelligence
has gotten so powerful, it now functions like a person
with thoughts and feelings.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Yeah, the engineer knew the robot was a real person
when it forgot this weekend is Father's Day.
[ Laughter ]
"Google last-minute Father's Day gifts."
"You're a real boy!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Google grilling."
That's right. The Google employee claims
the artificial intelligence acts like a 7- or 8-year-old.
Even more frightening, here's what it looks like.
Oh! [ Laughter ]
Well, some news from Washington.
Today, Congress held the second January 6th Committee hearing.
Yep. You know things are weird times
when the song of the summer is the ABC News theme.
[ "ABC News" theme plays ]
[ Laughter ]
Uh, well, this morning on ABC,
they showed loud, chaotic riot footage.
And then, after that episode of "The View" was over,
they showed the hearing. And --
[ Laughter ]
You guys are a good crowd tonight.
I like this crowd. -Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] -You guys get it
Stay with us all week! I want this energy all week.
I love this crowd. [ Cheers and applause ]
Fantastic. That's right.
So, today, every major network
covered the hearing, even Fox News.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
They were like, "Might as well.
All our anchors are in it anyway."
So, yeah. [ Laughter ]
Today's big witness was supposed to be
Trump's former campaign manager, Bill Stepien,
but he cancelled at the last minute
because his wife went into labor.
When the baby was born, the doctor was like,
"It's a...lucky break, is what it is."
[ Laughter ]
You know last night, he was like,
"Honey, I made you a spicy jalapeño casserole.
Eat up. Let's take the stairs.
Let's take the stairs."
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this. For the first hearing,
on Thursday, over 20 million people tuned in,
which is higher than this year's NBA finals.
[ Audience "Oohs" ] Trump was torn.
He didn't know whether to worry about the hearing
or brag about the ratings. [ Laughter ]
"Biggest riot ratings in history.
Just --" [ Laughter ]
"Biggest. People love the riot."
[ Laughter and applause ] No, people don't love the --
Hey, I read that there's a growing number of high-ranking
Democratic officials who do not want President Biden
to run for re-election.
Biden believes that he can get back on track
by crafting a tight, concise message.
And then he talked for three hours
about how he plans to do that.
[ Laughter ] Apparently --
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Clicks tongue ]
[ Cymbals crash ]
Foul ball.
-Apparently, some Democrats are worried about his age.
Yeah. Bernie Sanders is like, "I agree.
He's too young!" [ Laughter ]
"He's too young, these whippersnappers..."
[ Laughter ]
"...wearing sneakers and..."
[ Laughter ]
I saw that, due to a worldwide shortage of helium --
this is true -- helium -- the National Weather Service
hasn't been able to launch all their weather balloons.
It's tough. And I think I have a pretty good idea
of what the meetings inside
the National Weather Service are like right now.
[ Laughter ]
-[ High-pitched voice ] Dale, why don't we have
any weather balloons in the sky?
-[ High-pitched voice ] Well, Doug,
we don't have enough helium.
And without it, it's hard to get up real high.
-I guess this is what happens when there's inflation.
-It's a real kick in the weather balloons.
[ Laughter ] -Time to cut back on helium.
[ Valve squeaks, helium hissing stops ]
-[ Deep voice ] What a sad day.
-[ Deep voice ] I know, Doug.
-Also, today's my birthday. -Oh! Sorry.
I almost forgot.
Happy birthday.
-Thanks!
-Doug, wait!
[ Explosion ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-What?! [ Laughing ]
-Yeah. -Wait. What?
-Yeah. -That happened?
-Yeah. -They both had blonde hair.
-Yeah, that's what I imagine is happening.
At the he-- at the National --
-And then helium became a flammable substance.
That's great. That's beautiful.
[ Laughter ]
-Bill Nye over there.
-And that guy had a really deep voice naturally.
-Yeah. They both did, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Some business news, everybody.
Coca-Cola -- I'm kind of excited about this.
Coca-Cola is teaming up with Jack Daniel's
to release a Jack and Coke cocktail in a can.
[ Audience "Oohs," applauds ] There it is.
Look at that. -Yeah.
-Finally, we no longer have to go through that
exhausting task of mixing Jack with Coke.
[ Laughter ]
Yep. Right now, there are four cases of this stuff
holding up a rusted truck in Kid Rock's front yard.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, get this. Yesterday, 15 McDonald's restaurants
in Russia reopened with new branding
along with a new name, called Vkusno & Tochka,
which translates to "Tasty and That's It."
[ Laughter ]
"Tasty and that's it." -No more.
-Yep, they're really trying to distance themselves
from the existing McDonald's brand.
Check out this ad -- this latest ad I saw.
-[ Russian accent ] If you're a fan of McDonald's,
then you'll love, or at least tolerate, Vkusno & Tochka.
We offer all of menu favorite,
including fraction-of-kilogram burger with dairy square,
room-temperature potato shavings,
deep-fried poultry blocks,
the crispy traitor --
we mean chicken sandwich,
and milk sludge.
And if you see missing clown, Donald McRonald,
please report to authorities.
Vkusno & Tochka.
♪ Ba-da, ba-ba-ba ♪
You will loving it.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-"You will loving it."
To distance themselves.
Hey, did you guys hear about this?
Marvel has announced that "Spider-Man: No Way Home"
is going to return to theaters with new and extended scenes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Do people really care about that?
[ Audience shouting "Yeah" ]
-Really? I thought it was like, "See it again
but now with the scenes that weren't good enough
for the real movie." [ Laughter ]
Speaking of Spider-Man, over at Disneyland,
they have a Spider-Man show, right?
And there's a dummy that's supposed to do
flips in the air and land on top of a building
like it's Spider-Man, but something went wrong.
And someone got video of it. Watch this.
-Here goes something.
♪♪
-There he goes. You're the man, Spidey.
Good luck, Spidey.
Good luck -- ooh!
[ Laughter ] [ Wah-wah! ]
Ooh! [ Laughter continues ]
Looks like Spider-Man after a six pack of Jack and Coke.
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
"Hey, buddy!"
That's actually in the extended scene
from the new "Spider-Man" movie in theaters and IMAX.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And IMAX, of course.
Guys, some entertainment news.
A lot of fans are theorizing that Beyoncé
has a new album coming soon because of mysterious clues
that she dropped online this weekend.
-Yeah, but how do you know for sure?
Isn't that just a rumor?
-I mean, the clues are everywhere, Tariq.
-Like what? -Okay.
So, on Friday, Beyoncé deleted her profile pictures
for all her social-media accounts --
Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, all of them.
And she still hasn't uploaded new ones over 72 hours later.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
-Go on.
-Beyoncé's most recent studio album was "Lemonade,"
which was surprise released over six years ago in 2016.
But you know what else happened in 2016?
Her second Super Bowl performance,
the one with Coldplay.
And we all know what happened the day before that performance.
She surprise released the song for the video "Formation."
Then immediately after the Super Bowl, the next day,
she announced The Formation World Tour all before
anyone even knew that she was going to surprise release
"Lemonade" that April!
-Well, that was 2016, though.
-Right, right, right, but both "Lemonade"
and her self-titled surprise album, "Beyoncé,"
had sneaky clues before their release, too,
like Beyoncé posting pictures of herself with lemons.
And on Saturday, fans realized
that if you search Saturday's date, June 11th,
on Beyoncé website, placeholder art
for a mysterious Beyoncé album
that's just called "B7" came up.
"B7." Beyoncé's seventh album. Get it?
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
-But she didn't release an album this weekend.
-Are you even listening? 'Cause then Tidal,
the streaming service that Jay-Z is on the board of,
tweeted, "What is a B7?"
Then just "B8." Jay-Z is Beyoncé's husband.
So, if and when Beyoncé puts out a new album,
it could be "B7" and "B8."
That's a double album. Isn't that crazy?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh, it's crazy all right.
Crazy in love!
[ Roots play "Crazy in Love" ]
♪♪
-All right.
[ Laughter ]
Moving on. [ Laughter ]
I heard that some companies
are allowing workers to wear shorts --
[ Laughter ]
-Wait!
[ Roots play "Crazy in Love" ]
[ Laughter ]
You're not gonna crawl on all fours?
-When it comes on, I've got to get in my -- my moves, man.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, moving on. I heard that, uh...
[ Laughter ]
...some companies are allowing workers to wear shorts
in an effort to get them back in the office this summer.
Yeah. You know a CEO is desperate when they're like,
"Fine. You don't have to wear pants."
[ Laughter ]
It's gonna be weird after meetings to hear 20 pairs
of sweaty thighs peel off the seats.
Shwwee! [ Audience groans ]
Also, you guys hear, but apparently
a pest-control company is offering $2,000
to families who are willing to let them release
100 cockroaches into their homes.
[ Audience groans ]
Yep, 2,000 bucks for 100 cockroaches.
Right now, the owner of the Red lobster in Times Square
is like, "I'm gonna be a billionaire!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Finally, you ever see a photo in the news
and think that headlines should be different?
Well, we're gonna take care of that right now.
It's time for "News and Improved."
Here we go.
-♪ News and Improved ♪
-For example, check out this first photo.
The original headline was, "Dr. Fauci says U.S.
is out of pandemic phase."
Yep. The headline can definitely
be improved because if you only looked at the photo,
the headline could have been, "Dad does mic drop
after destroying eulogy." [ Laughter ]
He's like... [ Applause ]
-Come on!
-Up next, this headline says,
"Queen Elizabeth beams at Royal Windsor Horse Show."
The headline could've been, "Wedding guest gets really into
'Little bit softer now' portion of 'Shout.'"
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
-♪ Oh, oh, way-oh ♪
-This next headline was,
"Biden's job approval numbers continue to slide."
Headline could've been, "Father of the bride
clearly taking a leak in the shrubs."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-"Ooh!" -"Oh!"
Next headline was, "BTS holds White House press briefing."
Headline could've been, "New FDA commissioners
announce plans to make butter 35% smoother by 2024."
[ Cheers and applause ]
The next headline was, "Harris announces plan
to cancel federal student loans."
Headline could've been, "Mom accidentally walks in
on son's 'personal computer time.'"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Mom! It's my personal --
it's my personal computer time." -Throuple.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Next headline was,
"Prime Minister Trudeau attends ceremony."
Headline could've been,
"Dad gets just a little high for PTA meeting."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, this headline was,
"Pope Francis opens doors for women."
Headline could've been, "Drunk friend gives final,
reassuring look before eating it on water skis."
That's all the time we have for "News and Improved."
We have a great show.