Big news out of the retail industry.
Goodwill, the famous donation store,
has launched its own e-commerce site where you can
buy second-hand items online.
Yeah, so if you're looking to buy
a shirt for $0.40, but then pay $20 in shipping,
you're in luck.
No but, this is great. This is great.
You know, it's good to see them expanding.
They do really good work.
But you have to admit, thrift shopping online
isn't just the same as doing it in person.
You know, you've got to be there to see the patterns.
You feel the fabric.
You smell that second-hand sweat that's just
like, mm, someone's grandpa.
In international news, an Irishman just
became the first person ever to row a boat
from New York City to Ireland.
Yeah.
It took him four months.
But he said, it was still better
than flying out of LaGuardia.
He's like, argh, the Atlantic might be dangerous,
but it's still better than terminal tree, aye.
Oh, in economic news, the Treasury Department
has announced that America's national debt
has hit $31 trillion, which damn, that's a lot of debt.
You realize the only solution now
is for America to marry another country
that has good finances, right?
Yeah, Joe Biden needs to go out and give a press conference,
like hey, hey, Japan, you up?
But let's move on to some of the bigger stories of the day,
starting with a major milestone in the world
of baseball, the only sport that's
somehow better on radio.
Baseball is a game that treats its records with reverence.
You know, all of them from Cal Ripken, Jr.'s more than 2,600
consecutive games played, to Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hitting
streak, to Derek Jeter's record of being the only successful
guy ever to be named Derek.
But no stat is more revered than the home run.
And last night, Yankees outfielder, Aaron Judge,
smashed his name into the record books.
With the swing of his mighty bat,
Yankee superstar, Aaron Judge, slugged his way into history.
There it goes, soaring into history.
62.
It took until the 161st game of the season,
but number 99 has finally etched
his name in the record books.
Aaron Judge passes the great Roger Maris
to break the record for most home runs in a single season
by an American League player.
The ball was caught by Cory Youmans
of Dallas, a vice president at Fisher Investments.
He said he hasn't decided what he's
going to do with the souvenir, which could be worth a couple
of million dollars.
Well, there's a feel-good story for you.
I'm glad things are finally working out for that executive
at an investment firm.
That's what the game is all about.
Good for you, buddy.
Good for you.
But yeah, huge congratulations to Aaron Judge.
Right?
With just one game left to go in the season,
he broke the American League home
run record set by Roger Maris all the way back in 1961.
Think about that-- 1961.
That is a long ass time for a record to stand.
I mean, back in 1961-- you understand
how long ago that was--
America didn't have a Voting Rights Act
and abortion was illegal-- very different times.
Now, to be clear, this is just the American League home run
record, not the all-time record.
But some people think it should be,
because everyone who's above Aaron Judge on the list
was busted for taking performance enhancing drugs.
And whether you like it or not, this is a complicated issue,
because every player, whether they took steroids or not,
has some advantage over players from other eras.
You know, like Babe Ruth, he didn't have
access to modern medicine.
Yeah, if he pulled a muscle, the team doctor
would be like here, smoke this entire pack of cigarettes.
If that doesn't work, I'll prescribe you some asbestos.
Go on out there, buddy.
You know, if I'm being honest though,
I don't know why we celebrate home runs in the first place.
Because to me, all that happened
is that you just lost the ball.
Yeah, and now we've got to get a new ball.
That's like, what-- $10?
With 62 homers, that shit adds up, Aaron.
And I don't know if you've heard,
but America's $31 trillion in debt.
We-- we shouldn't be handling this shit.
We can't afford it.
Just hitting the balls out there.
You know who we should be celebrating?
We should be celebrating the bastards
who missed the ball completely so we can keep using it.
Those people are the real heroes.
I'm really fun at parties.
All right, let's move on to public health news.
You know, uh, how the food you buy
has an expiration date on it?
Yes?
And if the food is past that date,
then you throw it out, unless you're a single guy
and then you just eat it anyway.
Well, soon there might not even be a date at all.
New this morning, concerns about global food waste
are leading countries to rethink
best before labels on food.
Major UK grocery chains have already
removed best before labels.
And the European Union is expected
to revamp its labeling laws by the end of the year.
Best before labels are different than use
by and have nothing to do with safety.
Critics say they could cause people to throw
away perfectly good food.
Yeah, thank you.
This is a great idea.
Oh, no, I'm ser--
I'm saying that people throw out perfectly good food all
the time because they think that best buy means goes
bad after, when it doesn't.
All right?
And that's not just bad for the planet,
it's an insult to the plants and the animals
you get the food from.
You're going to toss away some perfectly fine cheese
after a cow has worked so hard to pee
it out of its four penises.
Huh?
Educate yourselves.
Hey, look, I do get that best before and use by
are confusing.
I do get that.
But it's not that hard to understand.
It's, um, it's sort of like guac.
Yeah?
Think of it this way.
It's best before you run out of chips.
But you can still use it by dipping your finger in it
when no one's looking.
Did I clear that up?
Yeah?
Good.
Anyway, I'm glad--
I'm glad they're getting rid of the best
by dates, because if you ask me, all they need
is a worst by date.
That's all you need.
Yeah, that's all I want to know.
When is the date that this food is going to turn
my butt into a Supersoaker?
Anything before that is fine.
I don't care.
And finally, let's move on to some entertainment news.
One of the biggest shows right now
is HBO'S House of the Dragon.
[cheering] Yes.
Huge.
Everybody's loving it.
And now obviously, this is a prequel
to Game of Thrones, which itself
was a prequel to Friends.
I'm not going to get into the timeline.
I'm not going to get into the timeline,
but Ross and Rachel are siblings.
It's a whole thing.
Anyway, a lot of people were so disappointed
in the Game of Thrones finale that they
said they weren't ever going to watch House of the Dragon.
But now, even the people watching House of the Dragon
are complaining that they can't watch House of the Dragon.
HBO'S House of Dragon is a very
dark show thematically, right?
But how dark does it have to be visually?
Fans of the show, showed their dismay,
saying it was actually too dark to even see
what was going on in the scene during the show,
blaming the lighting budget.
Now the HBO Max Twitter help line
was flooded with tweets from irritated fans.
And the network kind of brushed off the criticism.
They offered a boilerplate response on Twitter
that read the quote, "dimmed lighting of the scene
was an intentional creative decision."
What?
This was an intentional creative look.
Look, I am not Steven Spielberg or Barry Jenkins.
All right, I haven't directed anything.
But in my opinion, if your intentional creative decision
is that people can't see the TV show that you're making,
then you're making a podcast, all right?
That's what you made.
That's not TV.
If I can't see it, that's not TV.
That's a podcast.
House of Dragon, brought to you by Casper mattress.
No, but, for real, have you guys
noticed how this is happening on every single show
these days?
Everything on TV is so dark.
You can't see anything. I don't know why.
Oh, are they trying to make it grittier?
Are they trying to make it like, feel like a movie,
or, you know?
Maybe-- maybe, they figure if they make it dark enough,
then we can't complain about the cast not being diverse.
You're like, I think that's another white person.
I guess I'm going to let it slide.
Mm.
And right now-- right now, HBO is facing a lot of backlash.
But I think if they're smart about this,
this could be a good business opportunity for them.
Yeah.
They should just add a higher price tier.
Yeah, think about it.
They should say HBO Max is $9.99 a month,
or $14.99 a month if you want to be able to see
what the [bleep] is happening.
Which one you looking for?
Huh?
And by the way, if you think it's bad watching a scene that
dark, put yourself aside for a moment
and just imagine how tough it must be for the characters
who are in those scenes.
The time has come Lord Valerian,
for us to unify the houses.
And to you Sir Christine, I beg of thee, Sir Christine-- wait.
Wait.
Is that Sir Chris-- is that Sir Christine?
Who-- who is that?
Jeff, is that you?
Does someone have a torch, or an iPhone
light they can shine? No?
No?
Well, OK, just at least tell me,
is this a fighting scene or a sex scene?
I don't know.
I don't know-- OK.
I'm just going to stumble around with my sword
out and my penis out and we'll see what happens.
OK, let's try this, everybody.
Let's try this. Here we go.
Here we go.
Ah!
All right.
That's it for today's headlines.
But before we go to a break, let's move on to something
that everybody loves.
It's time to check out today's lotto numbers with our very
own Dulcé Sloan, everybody.
Hello.
TREVOR: Oh, yeah.
What's going on, Dulcé?
I'm doing good.
I look like I run a juke joint.
[laughter]
What's happening with today's lotto numbers?
So listen, I heard that America is $31 trillion
in debt.
TREVOR: Yeah, America owes the world, Dulcé.
Do we?
We got all the guns.
Come get it.
We got all the guns.
Come get your money.
This is what America do.
Come get your money!
TREVOR: That doesn't sound like a very professional country.
Listen, red, white, and blue, baby.
What you trying to do?
And the rockets red glare--
[laughs]
[laughter]
We will blow up your entire country.
Thank you so much.
But like I wish we could treat people like these countries
that we're never going to pay, because like whole,
like other countries also have massive amounts of debt.
And no one talks about it.
No one is blowing up America's phone every day
like, yo, where's my money?
That's not what you do.
Like I said, because we got all the guns.
But listen, like say you might only be $1,300 in debt,
and now your cousin Jojo keep blowing up your cell phone.
Like, bro, this is nowhere near what America owes.
Like, stop it.
Like, sir, I'm at the Emmys.
Leave me alone.
Like, what are you talking about?
I told you I was going to pay you.
What's up? - Is this a personal story?
What are you talking about?
Oh.
It sounded like you owed someone named
cousin Jojo or something-- No.
I don't owe people. TREVOR: No?
Sorry. OK, my bad.
My bad. - This is human hair.
What are you talking about?
Oh.
Most of this jewelry is real.
[laughing] Relax yourself.
TREVOR: What's happening with the numbers?
So listen, also, Goodwill--
I heard Goodwill's doing an online store.
I'm going to get to the numbers.
I'm trying to talk to you.
Listen.
I heard you was talking about Goodwill
was doing an online store.
TREVOR: Yeah, they're going to sell the stuff online.
They're going to make it e-commerce and everything.
You know? - But like, why?
Like, you're supposed to go inside
and earn them itchy clothes.
This is just Craigslist without the creeps,
and the creeps were my favorite part.
I have no idea what that means.
Oh.
So you never sent somebody a picture for your feet
in exchange for an end table, Trevor?
A little classy-- TREVOR: I'm sorry, wait.
Wait.
Did you say send someone a picture of your feet
in exchange for an end table?
Listen, you got to give a little classy side
boob for an ottoman.
TREVOR: What?
You know, a little shot of that Georgia peach for a lamp.
You know what I mean?
[cheering]
No, but--
Sometimes you got to furnish your first apartment any way
you can, Trevor.
TREVOR: No way.
So that was a real thing.
Listen, get out of my business.
All I'm saying is Craigslist was basically
OnlyFans, but for furniture.
TREVOR: I've-- I've never heard of this.
Now, listen, I never plan to live
this way again, because I'm trying to marry well.
And, um, I heard you were talking about an athlete.
TREVOR: Oh, yeah, Aaron Judge.
Yeah.
Um, he plays--
TREVOR: For the Yankees.
And they play--
TREVOR: Baseball.
He hit the home runs. - I'm sorry.
OK, baseball. TREVOR: Yeah.
I can say athlete.
So, he hit the home runs.
TREVOR: Yeah. Yeah.
OK.
So is he married, or does he have a girlfriend, or does he,
you know, does he like Black girls?
[laughter]
Well-- well, I mean, either way,
he's taken, like girlfriend or wife, he's taken.
So why does it-- why would it matter?
Oh, it matters, Trevor.
A wife is sacred.
But a girlfriend-- [bleep] the girlfriend.
What?
Listen.
You didn't stand before God and promise
anything for no girlfriend.
There's no paperwork with no girlfriend.
With a wife, the government is involved.
OK?
That's the law.
But with the girlfriend, shit, you put that bitch in an Uber,
it's over.
It's a known fact.
You don't-- you don't owe that girl anything.
OK?
Now listen, Aaron Judge, if you're acting right,
stick with me, baby.
I'll get you 75 for a season. Come on.
TREVOR: No. No.
No.
Don't say-- no, don't encourage this.
He's taken.
Dulcé, let's get to the lotto numbers, please.
All right, just give us the numbers.
Let's see who's won. - OK, fine.
Let's do the lotto.
And the winner is Cousin Jojo.
You've won $1,345.64.
Cousin Jojo.
TREVOR: I feel like that's an oddly specific number.
Is that-- is that the money that you owe your cousin Jojo?
[laughs] Like I told you, Trevor,
I don't owe people anything.
No.
This is your lottery.
So you owe my cousin Jojo.
Good night, everybody.
Mwah.
Dulcé Sloan, everybody.