I recently saw a movie in which the main
character Laura Jean writes letters to
all the boys she's ever loved before and
in this movie
unbeknownst to Laura Jean her letters
get sent to all these boys now mind you
is never Laura jeans intention for
anyone to see these letters so this
sound familiar to anybody here today has
anybody here seen this okay a few of us
yeah so as I started watching the movie
I reflected on my own life and I started
to think about all the boys I've crushed
on before so I'm watching lurgy navigate
all her relationships her parents her
friends and then I start to think about
my relationships when I was 13 and 14
and I thought about all the boys I'd
crushed on before and I actually went
all the way back to kindergarten and in
kindergarten there was Preston and
Preston was funny and he made me laugh
and he could draw and I thought these
are good characteristics I liked Freston
and spoiler alert my current partner
actually has both of those
characteristics but no it's not Preston
and so I sat there and thought about
these relationships and the crushes that
I had and I also started to think about
what messages that I receive from adults
in my life about relationships and some
of these messages you might hear be
hearing from adults in your life as well
and these are well-intentioned
well-meaning adults right sometimes
these are our parents our teachers our
coaches but I remember thinking about
when I heard these messages how they
didn't align with how I felt and so some
of you guys may have heard some of this
so let me try one has anybody heard well
boys will be boys
okay okay so mr. Perret that one okay
what about well you know I mean you're
young you have so much life to live I
wouldn't worry about this oh I see some
hands yeah okay so that one resonates
how about this one well girls will be
girls anybody heard that one
okay few of us yeah and again while it
was well-intentioned well-meaning adults
in my life who shared this information
with me it just didn't resonate with how
I felt and so I want to share with you
today that regardless of whatever
relationships you have in your life
right now whether it's your best friend
who doesn't sit with you anymore and you
feel lonely and you feel sad or maybe
it's someone you liked and you talk to
often but now you don't hear from them
anymore whether you're happy confused
joyful whether you're like my friends
here whether you feel like this every
day sometimes once a month twice a week
whatever those feelings may be confusion
joy frustration I need you I urge you to
understand that your feelings are valid
I don't care what people say if boys
will be boys that's just how girls are
or that you're young and one day you'll
grow up and it won't matter how you feel
today how you feel now your feelings are
valid and so as I continue to watch
Laura James story unfold I started I
started off thinking about this I shared
this with you guys already all the boys
I've crushed down before we started with
Preston and I continued to sit there and
reflect and instead I transitioned to
some of the things I've learned from all
the boys I've crushed on before and
other equally important relationships
because I learned things not just when
the boys I crushed on before know I've
learned things from my friends from my
family from my frenemy 'he's right i
learned people learn things from
everybody that I've interacted with and
so I wanted to talk to you today just a
few of the things I learned and just so
you know I don't know everything and
quick spoiler alert no adults knows
everything either we're
all figuring it out as we go and so the
first thing I want to share with you is
people aren't mind reader's now I know
this seems obvious and you're probably
sitting there thinking da Veronica
of course people aren't mind reader's I
know but hear me out
hold on one second so I was about 15 14
and Ayana I was cute I was young and
there was a friend that I had and we
were like this we text each other all
the time we called all the time this was
before snapchat Instagram tick-tock so
you actually called people and sometimes
on their house phone so it was different
stakes y'all mom or dad could answer so
we spoke all the time and then one day
we decided we liked each other
why don't we date so we started dating a
and guess what we did not talk or text
or hear from each other anymore and he
was the strangest thing and I couldn't
understand why it mean it made perfect
sense that if we talked before we start
dating we'll talk after we didn't talk
and I was confused and I was hurt and so
I did what every person would do I asked
their friend no I didn't ask them I
asked their friend and they gave me this
very confusing piece of advice they said
well Veronica they don't want to come
off as liking you too much but they
really really like you and so they
actually want to hear from you a lot and
I was like what that makes zero sense I
don't understand what you're saying
because I'm not a mind reader and
neither are you and neither were they
and at the same time if I'm honest I had
this expectation that this person should
call me or text me before school khamir
texted me after school and we should
talk for hours on the phone in the
evening but guess what they weren't a
mind reader either and so they had no
idea that I had this expectation of them
and so we're sitting there both confused
and unsure and all we needed to do is
talk all we needed to do was communicate
you see when you have open and honest
conversations about what you're thinking
what you're feeling with the important
people and relationships in your life
maybe it's your best friend and they're
not sitting with you at lunch and you
feel some kind of way
right when we have these conversations
we then start to talk about boundaries
and I know boundaries are a very hot
topic right now right there's a lot of
conversations around boundaries and
sometimes boundaries can seem kind of
murky and sometimes they seem clear and
so I want to tell you about boundaries
for my mom so my mom had this rule that
any time I had a friend come over the
pantry was open to them
she had a free pantry policy and what
does that mean anytime my friend came
over my mom would say mija mija go get
some food whatever you want and my mom
had all the good stuff
she had the Hot Cheetos she had the
honey buns she had the Nutter butters
all the stuff all the things and every
time these friends would come over where
there was the first time or the
hundredth time she said the same thing
please go to the pantry get whatever you
want the food is there for you and what
I realized in this conversation that my
mom had with my friends is that she had
constant and continuous communication
about boundaries for the pantry the
pantry yeah okay and so I was thinking
about my mom and the amazing example she
set about clear constant communication
and so when I think about boundaries I
think about the pantry at my mom's house
and no I'm not saying that boundary
should just be open and free to everyone
what I'm saying is when we talk about
our boundaries they have to be clear
they have to be consistent and sometimes
it's scary I get it sometimes talking
about our boundaries whether they're
emotional or physical can be scary and
can make us feel some kind of way and I
understand when we talk about our
boundaries especially the physical ones
what I need you to know also is that
curiosity about bodies is normal Oh
shocker what she said what yes I know I
heard the muttering yes curiosity about
bodies is normal in fact in fact if you
ask any adult in this room here today
they will tell you that they were in
that exact same place too it's part of
human development it's part of human
growth we all go through it at some
point but here's the thing
remember we are not mind reader's and we
have to communicate about our boundaries
so when we look at about our curiosity
about bodies this includes talking to
important adult in your life maybe it's
your parents maybe it's an aunt and
uncle maybe it's a sister it's a brother
but we have open and honest
communication and conversations about
our curiosity and then when we're
talking to other people we remember
people aren't mind reader's and we have
to be clear with what we're okay with
one example that I want to share with
you guys about boundaries is when I was
dating in high school different person
not not the first person different
person and we went on several dates and
after maybe four or five dates I'm we're
headed our separate ways about to go
home and they see says to me can I kiss
you and I'm like yes I'm sure but after
that I said you know these are my
boundaries I'm okay with kissing and
that's where I'm at right now
and from there we continued to have an
open conversation about what our
boundaries are and was I terrified yes
was i nervous
absolutely right but I remembered the
pantry and I remember my mom and how she
clearly communicated the expectation in
the boundaries of her house and so I had
to clearly communicate the expectations
and boundaries of my life
and of my body and so whether we're
talking about boundaries or the fact
that people aren't mind reader's
whatever you do please remember that you
are enough and rejection is hard and
sometimes hearing no can make us feel
some kind of way but you are enough and
so be who you are when I was in Middle
School there was a group of people who I
wanted to hang out with so bad they
seemed like the coolest people and I
felt myself changing a little bit of who
I was to fit in with them and I wish if
I could go back in time I would tell
Veronica hey listen the fact that you'd
rather read books then like you know go
out and do things that's fine read your
books girlfriend yes you are enough be
who you are because the most important
relationship you will ever have in your
life is you it's the one that you have
with you it's the one that you have
thinking about why do I feel the way I
feel and have I communicated with
someone because my feelings are valid
and my boundaries are real and as I said
earlier spoiler alert adults don't have
it all figured out I know I'm up here on
the stage right with this microphone in
this jacket and may seem like I know
everything some of the adults in your
life may seem like they know everything
but adults let's be honest we don't and
so through that we are open to having
conversations about what we have learned
because we're learning too and it's all
about being clear in our communication
and helping one another and so I leave
you guys with this thank you to all of
the boys I've crushed on before but also
all of the equally important
relationships in my life for all of the
lessons that I've learned
[Applause]
you