I got four kids now, by the way. Four little ones, yeah.
Do we have parents of young ones? Yeah?
Couple there. Yeah. Kids are great.
It's the greatest gift on the planet. Children. There's no better gift.
When we had our first daughter, I freaked out.
I told me wife, "There's nobody on this Earth
I will ever love as much as this little girl ever, ever again.
I'm just gonna pour all my love into this child." My wife felt the same.
Then she got pregnant again. We were worried.
We were like, "Wait, we just said we love this one so much,
how do we split up our love?"
Honestly, we were nervous about it.
Our friends were like, "Relax. Everybody goes through it.
It's unconditional love. You love your kids equally."
And I gotta say, they were wrong.
I don't care for the second one, I just don't...
She's just a little needy. Every day, it's the same: "I'm hungry."
"Oh, really? That's some news. We're all hungry, get in line."
She's my angel, that one.
She stops in the middle of the day.
She comes into my office middle of the afternoon.
"Daddy, can I talk to you?" I'm like, "Yeah, what's up?"
"I just want you to know, I love you."
Yeah, and I'm like, "Are you kidding me? I love you."
She's like, "No! I love you so much."
I'm like, "I love you so much." And she's like, "No!
I love you more than brownies."
I was like...
"Thank you. Thank you. I...
I love you more than gluten-free brownies."
What do you say? I didn't know what to say.
The new one, our little new one, she's not a daddy's girl right now.
I wish she was.
The other day, she was crying standing in the hallway, late at night.
I told my wife, "Let me go deal with her. It'll give me a chance to bond with her."
I walk into the hallway and I'm like, "What's the matter, sweetheart?"
She stops me. She goes, "I want my mommy.
I don't want you.
Go downstairs."
The first thing she said threw me the most. She said, "I want my mommy."
She didn't say, "I want mommy," like we both know who mommy is.
She said, "I want my mommy,"
like "I don't even know who the hell you are."
Then in case I'm confused, she makes it very clear:
"I don't want you!"
Not only that, I don't even want you on the same floor as me.
You need to be a floor below me...
"Chubby." I think she said chubby, I'm not sure.
It was late at night. It was under her breath,
but I think I heard, "Out of my face, fatty" or something.
Question. If you were dating someone and had leftovers in the fridge
and they ate them, you'd be pissed, right?
There are a lot of variables.
What was the food? How long was it there?
Were you actively hiding it? Walk me through everything.
Frank and I went to Basil Leaf, my favorite restaurant.
-I ordered my favorite dish. -Yeah, lobster ravioli.
Yeah, 'cause they put big chunks of lobster in there.
I saved half for lunch today, and Frank ate it.
Hold the phone. Frank went into his own fridge and ate the food?
Beth, if he's capable of that, he's capable of anything.
You gotta get out of this relationship.
I know you don't wanna hear this, but the rule is,
unless specifically labeled, leftovers in the fridge are a jump ball.
-It's common knowledge. -Ugh. I should've gone to Amir.
Okay. If you say that, you've already lost.
So, how was your weekend with…
[moaning, kissing]
…Morgan?
I don't like her for her money,
but yesterday I did feel like Pretty Woman.
Except instead of a dress, she bought me Nikes and a pretzel.
So, did you tell Catherine yet? She was pretty mad.
I don't care. I don't. It's none of her business.
Morgan's great. Unlike you, she laughs at my stories.
I laughed at them the first time and second time.
But after 100, I just don't have the will.
The only strike against her is she's friends with Catherine.
Yeah, well, that is a pretty big strike.
It's like having a face tattoo. It's hard to get past it.
She checks a lot of boxes.
-You have boxes? -Yeah. I've always had boxes.
-Since when? -Since always.
-What are they? -Funny, hot--
Okay. I've only had two boxes.
Officer Steve, I saw my ne--
Never mind that. Cop a squat.
-Here? -Yeah.
Hubie, how long have you lived in Salem?
Eh, my whole life.
Now, you've brought us many instances of unlawful conduct
to our attention over the years.
Somebody put a firecracker in my mail slot.
There's a diaper in Dori's pond.
There's a weird station wagon at the senior center.
The supermarket is selling expired bacon.
Janet at the library has not been herself lately.
I heard a voice in the sewer.
I'm sorry. I didn't recognize him.
The power of observation, the ability to blend in.
That is you in a nutshell, Hubie.
Well, Steven, let's talk turkey.
May I?
Mmm… I only have 30 left.
Okay.
You ever hear of an AUU?
I don't have an Internet, so I'm not up on my latest abbreviations.
Illuminate me.
AUU stands for "Auxiliary Undercover Unit."
[squealing, muttering]
[puffs, inhales]
-Now, before you get too excited, -[exhaling]
let me tell you what it entails, okay?
First off, there's no salary.
-[exhales] -There's no badge.
-[exhales] -We can't acknowledge you officially
-in any way whatsoever. And-- -[exhaling]
And the most important thing is
you can never be seen talking to me or any other officer in this place.
[exhaling]
A question. How would I go about getting the information to you?
Oh, you just keep a log. A very detailed log.
And you drop that log right here.
In the garbage can directly outside Town Hall.
So, drop a log in a garbage can?
Well, that garbage can, that's monitored, 24-7.
So, any intel that you have, it's gonna get to us. We'll know about it.
-Makes-- makes sense. -Yep.
But remember, you cannot contact us, no matter how dire the emergency.
-Yeah, I heard you the first time. -Yeah, I said it twice, it's important.
-Gotcha. -So, you ready to join the team?
Put me in, coach. I'm ready to play.
[Steve] All right!
This annoyed me. I was on the phone with somebody today
trying to get a phone number from that person and write it down,
but they didn't have phone number rhythm, and that pissed me off.
I'm talking about phone number rhythm.
Especially if there's, like, an area code involved.
Like, "2-1-2, bump-bump-bah...
bump bah... bump baaahhh."
[audience cheering]
That is the rhythm I think we're all familiar with.
This guy had no clue. I was like,
-"OK, Hank give me the number." -He's like, "All right, it's 2-1-2-9..."
[audience laughing]
"15-8-11-6-42-5...
7...
2."
"Did you throw in your zip code?
'Cause I got a lot of extra numbers over here.
I-- I have extra. I can almost start a new number, what do you got?
-Start again from the top." -[audience howling with laughter]
They really screw you up on the last four numbers, that's where they get you.
"5-5-5...
six...
teen, 41."
-"Dude, I already wrote the six!" -[audience laughing]
"I made the dash too close. I can't shimmy the one in there now.
Forget you!"
Great to meet you, Sam.
I have heard so many nice things about you.
You good?
-They've been so nice to me. -Good.
-Anything you want. -Okay.
Just ask.
Well, not anything, but--
[laughs]
-Thank you, Miss Couric. Appreciate it. -Oh, please. Call me Katie.
Thank you, Katie.
-Katie. -Just-- Just breathe.
-Right, right, right. -This is gonna be fun.
It is gonna be fun. It feels fun.
Katie.
Right here. Just check on this page.
-It's right here. -[Katie] Right here.
-Uh, Kylie? -Ten seconds.
Where's the timetable that doesn't match the dates?
-[clears throat] Kylie. -No, no, no, the other one.
-Five seconds. -Yeah, perfect.
Can someone find my publisher, Kylie Applebaum, please?
This is gonna be great. Don't worry.
[stammers]
-I wasn't. Should I be worried? -[Katie] Love the book. Great stuff.
[man] Three, two, two, two...
For years, Sam Larson was known simply as the Ghost.
But now he's telling all in his new book, True Memoirs of an International Assassin.
Sam, thanks for being here.
Hello. Nice to-- See me.
Do you mind if I read a passage from your book?
Oh, why do you need? You don't-- You're gonna--
"Killing became easy for me.
I told myself that I was making the world a better place.
But in my heart of hearts, I knew the truth.
I was addicted to death."
Is Kylie...?
So, Sam, let me ask you.
Are you still addicted to death?
Can I--? You know, can I just--?
Before we start, I've just got to go to the bathroom.
Is there a--? Do they have a bathroom? Do they--?
-In the outside, is there a bathroom? -We're actually live.
But this is also live and I gotta make it happen.
I get-- Is there--?
I've got to just-- Excuse me.
No, no.
-[Sam] This is bad. This is very bad. -Alison, is that him running?
Taxi! Taxi!
And now he's apparently getting into a cab.
You know how many books this is gonna sell?
Go, go, go.
-He had this one guy, Ted Rafferty... -Oh, yeah.
...who was a, you know, puppet act. Not that good. Like, a middle act.
He believed in him. He thought he was the greatest.
He's like, "I'm gonna make him the next Mr. Buttons."
[people laughing]
So, uh, Charlie, have you always been a puppet?
Well, I don't know. Have you always been a parade float?
[scattered laughter]
[Ted] I'm just trying to get to know you better, that's all.
[Charlie] Know me better? I'm sitting on your lap.
[audience laughing]
No, but seriously, what's it like being a puppet?
Well, I come from a long line of puppets.
My father was a puppet. My father's father was a puppet.
Really? Was your father's father's father a puppet?
[laughing]
Wait for the punch line, buddy.
[all laughing]
Somebody call JCPenney. One of the mannequins is on the loose.
[all laughing]
Sir, have you ever had a date in your life?
Actually, I have.
Your Anita Bryant poster doesn't count.
[all laughing]
But honestly, sir, how long have you been dead for?
[all laughing]
(CHEERING)
(DETROIT ROCK CITY PLAYING)
Let's do this.
♪ I feel uptight on a Saturday night
Attention shoppers.
Please make your way to the nearest exits.
Unfortunately, the mall will be closing early.
♪ ...and it pulls me through
Everybody out!
♪ ...tells me what I got to do
MAN: Everybody out, now!
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
You, too!
♪ ...Detroit Rock City
♪ Get up, everybody's gonna move their feet
♪ Get down, everybody's gonna leave their seat
♪ First I drink, then I smoke
Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me...
(GRUNTS)
♪ I feel so good, I'm so alive
♪ I'm so alive
♪ I hear my song playin' on the radio
I'm at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
♪ Get up
♪ Everybody's gonna move their feet ♪
Hey, yo. Hey, there's some crazy-ass people
trying to take over the mall.
I'm out of here.
Everybody on the floor!
Tell them to bring SWAT.
There may be hostages.
What are you doing? Get down.