- Gabrielle
Did you see Game of Thrones?
- Did the Toros lie cheat and steal to try to get to the top?
Of course!
- I literally pooped my skirt
- I need to take out my earrings
to fight somebody
about this.
♪ Gay of Thrones Theme ♪
- So at the beginning, as you know,
In Winterfell,
everyone is anxiously awaiting the arrival
of their White Twerker Postmates.
- Baby!
Silence is scary.
- And then out of the darkness,
Evil Red Riding Hood shows up late.
But don't worry,
she has enough Fireball shots for
Everybody.
Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!
- That's a Fyre Fest I can get behind.
It's Ja baby!
I feel like Ashanti.
- This battle had more ups and downs than
[Both] Martina Hingis' storied tennis career.
- So first things are going great,
she wins the Australian Open in '97
- But then she screws up in the French Open
by serving underhanded to Steffi Graf
and gets booed off the court.
- But then she goes on to Sa-lay at Wimbledon.
- Unfortunately, then she tests positive for Snow
which she denies
but she's kicked out of tennis anyways.
- But you know you can't keep a good diva down
because she comes back as a doubles champ.
But then the White Twerkers build a skeleton ladder
and they climb over the damn wall.
- Wait, we're still talking about tennis right?
- Yaaaassss!
White Twerkers are everywhere!
As Baby Kill Bill knows
when she discovers herself
in the Jurassic Park kitchen
with the Veloceraptor looking for her.
(Heavy Dinosaur Breathing)
- How come the White Walkers, like,
yell and hiss and scream through that whole episode
and then get to the library and start following the rules?
- Shhhhhhhh
- Ma'am
Sir
No.
- And then Baby Kill Bill finally escapes
by Marie Kondoing the entire library
when the White Twerkers check to see if the book sparks joy.
And then she follows it up with a little pep talk from Evil Red Riding Hood.
[Melisandre] What do we say to the God of Death?
[Arya] Not Today.
[Both] Not Today B*tch!
- You about ta get this work b*tch
- I just got my blades sharpened girl!
You gotta get out of here!
And then,
there she is,
in all of her Zombie Dragon glory.
Eiffel 65
and she's ready to bring it
Viseri-on
- I said!
[Both] Burrrr!
(Clap Clap)
It's cold in here
I said there must be some dragons in the
Atmosphere
I said
Burrr
mm mmm
It's cold in here
- I said - There must be some dragons
In the atmosphere.
I said
oeee oeee oe
Ice! Ice! Ice!
(whistle)
- And then that poor Jon Snow honey,
he's having the most ratch of evenings.
His Mapquest printout flies out of his hand,
then he crashes his aunts dragon,
she's gonna be furious when she finds out,
probably won't f*ck him for at least a week or two.
Meanwhile, in six feet under,
Sansa Fierce hears some strange noises in her neighbourhood,
so she goes on Nextdoor to make a complaint.
(muffled screaming)
And then that dang Mayor Pete picked
a terrible time to get present.
Everyone's getting their head cut off upstairs
and he's just downstairs wondering,
pining away if he was a good husband or not.
[Tyrion] Maybe we should have stayed married.
[Sansa] You were the best of them.
- What a terrifying thought.
- And then as Ice Pence is about to enter Winterfell,
Christina Aguilera's like,
hold up,
quick service add on,
I'm gonna give you a microderm Dragon Facial.
And excuse me,
don't think for one second
I did not clock Ice Pence Coming for my signature red carpet pose
(Camera click)
(Laughing)
I know we like to have a lot of fun on Gay Of Thrones
but i'd like to take a quick moment
to mourn those that we've lost
on this episode.
(Gentle Music)
But who knew that Ice Pence was into upcycling?
That motherf*cker gave us a full un in memoriam.
(Gentle Music)
So then back at the giving tree,
Baby Theon is leaving it
all on the dance floor
and Stab Stab Revolution.
(Dance Music)
- Poor Theon
I hope him and his d*ck get reunited in heaven.
Oh my god, it's gonna be like, like,
when Nettie and Celie get reunited in Color Purple.
(Hand Slapping)
Nothing will keep me from you.
And I can't wait.
(Laughing)
- And then at the end,
Baby Miss Cleo is preparing for her untimely demise,
getting her affairs in order,
deciding who gets her shawls,
visiting that lawyer,
but all of a sudden,
Baby Kill Bill out of nowhere
pulls a full Anna Shcherbakova quad Lutzes
and Jeff Gilloolys the Night King
right in the twat.
- And then Ice Pence was like,
WHHYYYY
WHHYYYYYY
WHHHYYYYYYY
MMEEEEEE
B*tch.
You know why you.
- So let me get this straight,
Baby Kill Bill
pops her cherry
and then shatters a motherf*cking king
off his patriarchal nasty podium?
That's literally
my perfect day
- Ok, not to be...
backseat general, but,
perhaps stabbing Ice Pence
might have been the strategy from Jump
- I'm so sorry,
I was like, too upset to even do your hair today.
- You do hair?
Where are
- My dragons?
Alfie
- This Champagne
is burnt
[Bran] I'm going to go now.