Okay, let's do this I've tried to start this video about 124 times but
Here goes. [intro] On tonight's program ladies and gentlemen, we have something that's gonna make you sick
Hello everyone and welcome back to my YouTube channel, my name is Jack Edwards and over the past three years
you have been following my
university journey
from freshers week to now
All the highs and the lows and the peaks and the troughs
and
unfortunately
today
um, I'm not coming to you with good news [laughs]
Today is definitely one of the lows
But that's how, that's how it goes, um,
So three weeks ago I
Found out some news
Basically as
Some of you may know before I came to university
I applied to go to Oxford to study for an undergraduate degree in English literature
And I had an interview but I didn't get in
and I
then ended up at Durham a university that I love and I think that things worked out perfectly for me, and I'm so
content and happy with how that
turned out, um,
Then I
Kind of always had in my head from the moment
I got to Durham that if it was possible, I would apply to do a master's at Oxford
Because it's somewhere I've always wanted to go and it's still a huge dream of mine and a huge goal. So I
Got my grades last year at the end of my second year and
I found out that I had worked hard enough to apply to even think about
Considering applying to Oxford which was obviously really good news. I was elated over the moon
Um, I
Applied
I started writing my application in October
worked on it, just as much as I possibly could, until January when I sent it off and
then
Three weeks ago. I got a little email, popped up in the corner of my laptop screen
to tell me the results of that application and I
Didn't get in
And again, um, I
Was rejected by Oxford again
and
I'm dealing with it
but
That's what this, I, that's what I'm I came here to say. Um, I guess you can click off now if you don't care
but
yeah, I
Got rejected from Oxford University
Again, this intense disappointment that I feel
Isn't because I ever
expected to get into Oxford because I didn't it's not because I felt like I deserved to go to Oxford because I didn't but
it's because I
applied with the best application that I am capable of and
It still wasn't enough
It's really tough when the best you have
Still isn't good enough, you know, uhm. I just think that I've
Been working so hard for my whole degree
to get better, and I've fallen in love with this subject and this
Area of study. Um, I I adore it and
I think anyone who knows me knows that I
Everything I've done and the things that I've been lucky enough to achieve in the past
three years
There's always that thing in the back of my head that's like this
This could be the thing that makes me good enough to get into that program that I have wanted for so long
and it and it hasn't been, and that is
hard
it's tough, it's
You know
We did the podcast we, the YouTube channel has been has given me so many incredible opportunities
I got to speak in the houses of parliament. I've written a book. I'm gonna be a published author
this summer
and
It still isn't enough and that's hard to deal with
because I I don't know what more I
Can do more I have inside me. I think one of the most frustrating and heartbreaking things about this whole
process is that I
Really really want to continue studying English Lit. I'm not done with it
I found an area of research that I'm so passionate about and I just want to keep learning about I
would ideally love to do a PhD and
so for me
finding out I've been rejected from the only master's program that I applied to and the
ideal masters program that I would love to do
it's tough because
It's being told no to something that I want more than anything and
Basically pushing me a year back because I'm going to reapply I'm going to give it another shot next year
I'm now kind of I see this year ahead of me like
What do I do?
I definitely I think obviously you have to look at the positives and think about it's an incredible opportunity to have a whole year to
to get better and
to keep working on myself, learning more things so that when I apply again next time I
Have more of a chance
Hopefully. I think that when I
Was rejected last time
it gave me this real fire in my belly to prove them wrong and
actually
This year when people were finding out about whether they got into Oxford and Cambridge for their undergrad degrees, I
Was on Twitter and I tweeted saying if any of you were struggling to deal with it
Or you didn't get the news you you wanted today?
Message me because I know how it hurts, you know
because I've been through that and
I sat in the British Library and
For hours, it was probably about three hours and I was just sitting there messaging all these incredible people these bright
inspiring
people who deserve that opportunity
and
I was like, I make these academic planners and so I was like send me your address and I'll send you one for free so
That you can start working on how you're gonna prove them wrong
right and my mentality has always been prove them wrong prove them wrong prove them wrong and
so I really wanted it but
For those people I wanted to show those people and show everyone that I could do it, you know
And in the back of my head, I'm thinking
I've got to do this too now. I've got to prove them wrong as in, prove Oxford wrong and I
haven't
So we go again
we've got another year to improve and get better and
Make that damn application the best bloody thing I am capable of
next time. I feel
Genuinely, I feel like a fraud. I feel like I've let you guys down let myself down
Because I really wanted this, you know, I wanted this to be my next step and
So many people have been commenting on the videos being like
we know you've got in like when are you gonna tell us that you've got in and and
There's, I always say, you know that I'm an English Lit you know Durham University
it's become a bit of a running joke that people say I say it in every video and
I even on my most recent video there were comments being like don't worry like next year. He'll be a master's student
somewhere else and
Yeah, I really wanted to be able to turn around and be like yeah, you're right how exciting and how fun and
awesome, is that going to be but
That isn't what's going to be that's not what's happening so
Yeah
sorry, I guess I
Don't know what else there is necessarily to say here
I would love for this video to have a positive spin at the end of it and be like but it's gonna be okay
I think it's gonna be okay. I hope it's gonna be okay, but I don't know yet
And I am a believer in everything happens for a reason
That shit, but this this is testing me, you know
It's been tough
It's been hard. It's been like that is the kind of why I took a bit of time off YouTube and off social media because
It can be such
highlights real full of just success stories and people getting the news that they want and finding out they've got into their
Dream University and and it's hard to see that coming up on your timeline when you're dealing with something
That's so deeply personal to you and you haven't I've barely told anyone about it
Just very much kept it to myself
Yeah
Um
Ooooh I don't know how to end this now
So I'm kind of just going to this pit of like pity a pit of pity good
That's if I could use the English language better than that then maybe I would get into the master's program
Going to Oxford University to do this specific master's program is still my dream. It's still the thing that I would love to do
I'm not going to give up because I'm stubborn and
it's something I really want and something I'm really passionate about and so
Something that I believe I should keep fighting for. This is a video to tell you that unfortunately
Sometimes things don't work out and it's okay because it's an opportunity for redirection
To you know improve yourself work things out it'll all make sense eventually
Just right now, I am having trouble dealing with that and coming to terms with that and
convincing myself that
But it's true
It's gonna be okay. Thank you for watching this video. Thank you for the love
Thank you for letting me ramble on for however long I have probably way too long I'm gonna go and
continue working my dissertation and get this degree and
prove them wrong
Okay, so my camera cut out automatically which is probably a sign from the world telling me to to shut up now. That's it
That's that's enough. So thank you very much for watching this video
I'm alright, I'm gonna dust myself off and I'm gonna be okay
um
Be kind to yourself look after yourselves because it's important
And have a good day
[Outro] In case I don't see ya good afternoon good evening and good night