WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION-- QUICK QUESTION.
SHOW OF HANDS: ANYONE HERE LIVE ON EARTH?
I'VE GOT SOME WONDERFUL NEWS FOR YOU, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, OUT OF
NOWHERE SENATOR JOE MANCHIN REACHED A DEAL WITH HIS
DEMOCRATIC COLLEAGUES ON A BILL THAT WOULD LOWER HEALTHCARE
COSTS, REDUCE THE FEDERAL DEFICIT, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,
COMBAT CLIMATE CHANGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT?
JOE MANCHIN IS FIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE?
WAIT, AM I DREAMING?
I HAVE ALL MY TEETH, I'M NOT A SKELETON, YOU'RE ALL WEARING
CLOTHES, I'M RICH AND FAMOUS...
NO, THIS IS REAL.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL.
THE SIZE OF THE BIG?
GRANDE.
IT PROVIDES $370 BILLION IN NEW SPENDING TO FIGHT GLOBAL
WARMING.
AND ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, BY 2030, THIS PLAN WOULD REDUCE
U.S. CARBON EMISSIONS BY ROUGHLY 40%.
THAT IS--
THANK GOD.
THAT IS GOOD NEWS.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A REACTION FROM THE ARCTIC:
♪ ♪ ♪ >> WOOO!
>> HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LAID!
>> PARTY!
>> Stephen: TO ACHIEVE THIS GOAL, AMONG OTHER THINGS,
THE BILL PROVIDES TAX CREDITS TO BOOST SOLAR PANELS, BATTERIES,
AND OTHER TECHNOLOGIES, AND ALSO MAKES IT COSTLY TO EMIT METHANE.
SLIGHT HITCH.
SLIGHT HITCH ON THAT LAST ONE: FROM NOW ON, YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY
A $10 TOLL EVERY TIME YOU FART.
DON'T WORRY.
THERE'S GOING TO BE AN E-ZPASS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE WHERE IT GOES.
THE BILL PAYS FOR ITSELF BY SETTING A 15% CORPORATE MINIMUM
TAX RATE ON BILLION-DOLLAR COMPANIES OR LARGER,
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FUNDING TO HELP BEEF UP TAX ENFORCEMENT, ESPECIALLY FOR
WEALTHY AMERICANS.
FINALLY, THE MEGA-RICH WILL HAVE TO PAY ANY TAXES AT ALL.
IT'S GOT ELON MUSK SO SCARED HE'S AS WHITE AS A GHOST.
PEOPLE ARE VERY EXCITED.
PEOPLE, I AM TOLD, ARE VERY EXCITED ABOUT THE BILL.
INCLUDING PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHO SAID, "THIS IS THE ACTION THE
AMRICAN PEOPLE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR."
TECHNICALLY, SIR, TECHNICALLY, THAT WAS "TOP GUN: MAVERICK."
CRUISE HAS STILL GOT IT!
WE MISS YOU, GOOSE.
MANCHIN'S ANNOUNCEMENT SHOCKED EVERYONE, BECAUSE HE HAS OPPOSED
THESE PROVISIONS FOR MONTHS.
IN FACT, THIS BILL IS A MARKED DEPARTURE FROM MANCHIN'S
POSITION ONLY DAYS EARLIER.
SO WHAT HAPPENED?
TURNS OUT MANCHIN WAS VISITED BY THE GHOST OF CLIMATE FUTURE:
>> YOU THERE, BOY.
WHAT DAY IS TODAY?
>> WHY, IT'S JULY 27, OF COURSE!
>> GO DOWN TO THE SENATE AND GET ME $370 BILLION OF CLIMATE
SPENDING.
HURRY, IT'S SNOWING IN JULY!
THAT'S (BLEEPED) UP!
>> Stephen: STILL-- STILL GET YOU.
IT'S SO-- IT GETS YOU, YOU KNOW.
ALL THESE PROVISIONS WERE ORIGINALLY JOE BIDEN'S IDEA, BUT
IN HIS ANNOUNCEMENT, MANCHIN PROCLAIMED, "'BUILD BACK BETTER'
IS DEAD, AND INSTEAD, WE HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE OUR
COUNTRY STRONGER BY BRINGING AMERICANS TOGETHER."
YES, "BUILD BACK BETTER" IS DEAD.
INSTEAD, MANCHIN'S GOING TO...
CONSTRUCT AGAIN...
THINGS MORE GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HIS CHANGE-- HIS CHANGE OF HEART-- MANCHIN'S, I MEAN,
HIS CHANGE OF HEART REALLY SURPRISED SENATE MINORITY LEADER
AND TAXIDERMIED CHICKEN THIGH, MITCH McCONNELL
McCONNELL CAN'T FILIBUSTER THIS BILL, BECAUSE IT'S PART OF THE
BUDGET RECONCILIATION PROCESS.
BUT TO DISSUADE DEMOCRATS FROM EVEN TRYING THAT, MCCONNELL HAD
THREATENED THAT REPUBLICANS WOULD BLOCK A DIFFERENT BILL,
A POPULAR SEMICONDUCTOR CHIP BILL THAT WOULD MAKE THE U.S.
MORE COMPETITIVE WITH CHINA CALLED,"THE CHIPS AND SCIENCE
ACT."
WHICH I BELIEVE ALSO PAYS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF NEW THREE-
DIMENSIONAL COOL RANCH TECHNOLOGY.
IT'S LIKE THE SODIUM IS COMING RIGHT AT YOU.
YESTERDAY, McCONNELL DID ALLOW THAT CHIP BILL TO BE VOTED ON
BECAUSE LAST WEEK, MANCHIN SAID HE WAS NEVER VOTING FOR "BUILD
BACK BETTER."
THEN, JUST HOURS AFTER THE CHIP BILL PASSED, SCHUMER AND MANCHIN
ANNOUNCED THEIR RECONCILIATION DEAL!
BOOM!
THEY PULLED THE OLD BAIT AND MITCH.
AND YOU HAVE TO GET UP--
( APPLAUSE )
HOLD ON!
YOU HAVE TO GET UP PRETTY EARLY IN THE MORNING TO OUTMANEUVER
MITCH MCCONNELL, BECAUSE ONCE THE SUN WARMS THE ROCK HE'S
LYING ON, HE CAN MOVE PRETTY FAST.
PEOPLE ARE CALLING THIS DEAL "WASHINGTON'S BEST-KEPT SECRET,"
A TERM PREVIOUSLY USED ONLY TO DESCRIBE GEORGE'S THIRD NIPPLE.
( LAUGHTER )
PLANET, WE CAN NOW REST EASY AND FREAK OUT ABOUT THE ECONOMY,
BECAUSE TODAY, WE LEARNED THAT THE U.S. ECONOMY SHRANK FOR A
SECOND QUARTER IN A ROW, RAISING FEARS THAT WE COULD BE
ENTERING A RECESSION.
WE HAVE A CLIP OF ECONOMISTS RELEASING THE NEWS THIS MORNING:
>> THAT WAS SCARY.
THE NUMBERS WERE SCARY.
( LAUGHTER )
RECESSION.
OR ARE WE?
ACCORDING TO THE WHITE HOUSE, TWO CONSECUTIVE QUARTERS OF
ECONOMIC CONTRACTION DOES NOT, IN AND OF ITSELF, CONSTITUTE A
RECESSION.
THANKFULLY, WE HAVE CABLE NEWS TO CUT THROUGH ALL THE SPIN AND
GIVE US SOME STRAIGHT ANSWERS.
CNN, WE'VE HAD BACK-TO-BACK QUARTERS OF NEGATIVE GROWTH.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HISTORICALLY?
>> EVERY SINGLE TIME SINCE 1948 THAT YOU HAVE HAD BACK-TO-BACK
QUARTERS OF NEGATIVE GROWTH, YOU'VE HAD A RECESSION, EVERY
TIME.
>> Stephen: SO THAT'S THE CASE THIS TIME.
>> THAT MAY NOT NECESSARILY BE THE CASE THIS TIME.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
STILL, RECESSION-WISE, WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO USE HISTORY AS A
GUIDE, RIGHT, MSNBC?
>> WE REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW FAR WE CAN OR CANNOT USE HISTORY AS
A GUIDE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
BUT AT THE BARE MINIMUM, ON THE G.D.P. NEXT QUARTER, UP OR DOWN?
>> THIS IS A NUMBER THAT COULD TURN POSITIVE, COULD TURN MORE
NEGATIVE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
LAST QUESTION: DO YOU NEED ANY QUALIFICATIONS AT ALL TO GO ON
TV AND TALK ABOUT THE ECONOMY?
>> IT'S REALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: SO--
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: SO, ALL OF YOU ALL
ARE JUST TAKING STABS IN THE DARK LIKE YOU WANDERED
BLINDFOLDED INTO A CAVE?
>> WHERE ARE WE?
HOW LONG IS THE TUNNEL?
DO WE KNOW?
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, CABLE NEWS.
SO, THE ECONOMY IS SHRINKING, AND INFLATION IS STILL BLOWING
UP, AND IT'S HITTING US RIGHT IN THE BREAKFAST NOOK, BECAUSE IT'S
REACHED A NEW YORK CITY BODEGA FAVORITE: THE BACON, EGG, AND
CHEESE.
NO!
THAT'S THE BEST THING ABOUT THE BODEGA!
AFTER THE DUSTY CAN OF GRAPE SODA, OATMEAL COOKIES FROM THE
90s, AND THE ANGRY CAT.
THE PRICE OF THE BACON, EGG, AND CHEESE HAS SKYROCKETED FROM
$2.50 TO $4.50.
MAN, THAT TAKES A LOT OF CHEDDAR TO BRING HOME THAT BACON.
AND THIS IS--
REALLY?
WOW, WOW.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HIT WITH THE THE BAND.
YOU JUST DON'T KNOW...
THIS IS A TOUGH BLOW TO CITY COMMUTERS, BECAUSE THE BACON,
EGG, AND CHEESE IS A STAPLE IN MANY NEW YORKERS' DIETS.
YES, BECAUSE IT'S GOT ALL THE ESSENTIAL FOOD GROUPS:
BACON, FOIL, AND YELLOW.
ED A LITTLE BIT OF FOIL.
JUST A LITTLE-- LITTLE FOIL.
RISING PRICES ARE ALSO HITTING NEW YORK'S DESSERTS, BECAUSE
ICE CREAM TRUCKS ARE THE LATEST TARGET OF INFLATION.
FIRST, WE LOSE THE CHOCO TACO AND NOW OUR SOFT SERVE.
ICE CREAM TRUCKS USED TO BE LUCRATIVE, BUT NOT ANYMORE, NOW
THAT GAS PRICES ARE UP AND A 25-POUND BOX OF SPRINKLES GOES
FOR ABOUT $60, DOUBLE WHAT IT COST A YEAR AGO.
WHICH REALLY MAKES "SPRINKLES" SOUND LIKE A STREET DRUG:
>> PSSST!
HEY, YOU WANNA SWEETEN YOUR CONE?
60 BUCKS FOR 25 POUNDS.
TAKE THEM WITH A FRIEND IN A SAFE PLACE.
DRINK A LOTTA WATER."
NOW ICE CREAM TRUCKS ARE ON THE VERGE OF BANKRUPTCY.
MISTER SOFTEE'S SO DESPERATE, HE'LL LET YOU LICK HIS HAIR FOR
50 BUCKS BEHIND THE BUS STOP.
( LAUGHTER )
CREAM TRUCKS MIGHT BECOME A THING OF THE PAST.
IT'S SUCH A SHAME.
IF WE DON'T HAVE ICE CREAM TRUCKS, KIDS WILL NO LONGER HAVE
A REASON TO GATHER IN THE STREET TO HAPPY JINGLES LIKE THIS:
♪ ♪ ♪ COME, CHILDREN.
HEED THE SIREN SONG OF THE MYSTERY VAN AND COLLECT YOUR
SWEET TREATS.
DO MAKE HASTE, FOR THE VAN WILL NOT BE HERE ON THE MORROW.
WE ACCEPT VENMO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JONATHAN KARL AND B.J. NOVAK.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
STICK AROUND!